how much of the "holiday stuff" do you let the grandparents do?

[A&A]

I'm trying to decide if I'm getting too worked up over this.

My MIL tries, in my opinion, to "take over" the holidays. On Christmas, she wants to put something in the kids' stockings. (Not just give them presents--she wants something from her to go in the STOCKING.) She tries to take over the symbolic stuff, IMHO.

On my dh's birthday, she wants to be the one to bake him a cake. And if I bake him a cake, then he has TWO cakes. And he'll barely even eat one piece of one cake. Sigh.

For Easter, she wants to get the kids some baskets filled with lots of crap, and she wants to be the one to color Easter eggs with the kids. (Again, not just give them stuff, but have stuff from her in the BASKET.)


My argument is that she's trying to do all the "mom" stuff.......as if my dh were a single dad or something. She HAD her chance to do that kind of stuff. It's my turn, now! This has been going on for seven years, since my dd was born.

My dh says what's the big deal------they can color eggs with her at her house and with me at our house. But I always wait 'til the day before Easter, and she beats me to it......having dh bring them over a few days earlier than that. So, I sometimes give up on the eggs, since they've "already done that" with grandma.

Legitimate beef, or I do need to take a chill pill?

[Mom4tot]

A&A, I can definitely understand how you feel. It sounds like too much, ya know? Especially about the symbolic stuff...that is your domain. If she wants to give them a basket, or a gift, than that's ok, but stuff in their basket from you (or the Easter Bunny, I don't know aht traditions you practice). My girlfriends mom invites her and her her family over for her birthday and makes a cake, but it is on the weekend before or after her b day....so her dh and kids make her a cake on the actual day.

It sounds like she isn't ready to let go, and you have been kind to let her be involved. Have you ever talked to her about this before?

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Mom4tot

It sounds like she isn't ready to let go, Have you ever talked to her about this before?

My dh is 40, and she's still not ready for him to be married!!! LOL!

I usually talk to my dh who either tells me to stop stressing or he'll make some small compromise to make me happy. (He finally told his mom last Christmas that she can't put stuff in the stocking.)

And you're right about the traditions..........it confuses the kids that Santa and the Easter Bunny put stuff in the same place as G-ma!!

Of course this is the woman who walked into my house after we had been married several years, and said, "Does (dh) have any knives?" as if I didn't live there and didn't have any property rights to the knives!!

[Doodlebugsmom]

Ugh. How annoying. I wouldn't allow her to have a gift for their stocking or Easter basket that you give them. I also wouldn't really be down with her giving them a basket full of crap either. As for the egg-coloring, maybe the eggs they color with her could stay at her house. Maybe at Christmas she could do separate small stockings for the kids. She could do the same for Easter baskets too. Maybe you could drop some hints as to what to fill them with?

[Mom4tot]

:LOL about the knives. Yeah, I can see it being a little confusing. Does she at least cook dinner or host you guys for a holiday dinner? Or does she come and cook it at your house?

Can you mention that it is confusing to the kids, and just say the basket is from the bunny?

[PadmaMorgana]

Oh yeah.

In our house, Santa and the Easter Bunny only show up here (or if we are away for holidays...there). Stockings at Grandma's are from Grandma and Grandpa...not Santa. The baskets at Easter are the same thing. Can you just point out to the kids "ohhh look at the huge baskets grandma got you. Wow. How generous. Thanks MIL for thinking of the kids" No mention of E. Bunny anywhere.

About the eggs. Sigh. Think about it. Is this a bridge you want to dye on? If it is honkingly important, fight for it, but if it is not so important....let it go. Can you start another tradition with your kids? We don't colour eggs (mainly because no one will eat them and I can't handle throwing things out) but we use glue and paints and paint paper easter eggs and hang them up around the house. Plus those can be done weeks ahead of time : what about an egg hunt (that one is MY tradition and MIL ain't doing it).

Oh..and my kids get *one* cake. Mine. End of story. That was my hill to die on.

eta: I have a horrid relationship with my MIL. I either walk on egg shells or she cries to DH. When i have to stand up for myself or the kids (like refusing to allow DS in their unsafe carseat) she pouts for weeks. Months on the carseat thing . My MIL is a passive agressive martyr and very hard to deal with. You know..the whole give her an inch and she takes a mile....

[Doodlebugsmom]

Originally Posted by PadmaMorgana

Oh yeah.

In our house, Santa and the Easter Bunny only show up here (or if we are away for holidays...there). Stockings at Grandma's are from Grandma and Grandpa...not Santa. The baskets at Easter are the same thing. Can you just point out to the kids "ohhh look at the huge baskets grandma got you. Wow. How generous. Thanks MIL for thinking of the kids" No mention of E. Bunny anywhere.

Yes. That is very important! The things from her are from HER. Not from Santa, Easter Bunny, etc.

[Mom4tot]

How about coloring the eggs differenty, natural dyes or painting like Padge suggested...my kids have really taken to that!

[PadmaMorgana]

Originally Posted by Mom4tot

How about coloring the eggs differenty, natural dyes or painting like Padge suggested...my kids have really taken to that!

ooohhh what about doing 'Ukranian' eggs. You use dyes and wax, then more dyes and rub off the wax. Then you blow out the raw egg. That way they keep for a long time.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by PadmaMorgana

About the eggs. Sigh. Think about it. Is this a bridge you want to dye on? If it is honkingly important, fight for it, but if it is not so important....let it go.

I guess that's my problem. I feel the need to fight about everything with her!


PS. It's my HUSBAND's birthday cake she always wants to make (as if he were still living with her or single or something.)

[faythe]

I'd let her make dh's cake. After all, you want to make your kid's cakes, right? That one isn't worth the trouble.

The other stuff is something you and dh have got to work out. Maybe he doesn't think it's a big deal, but it is to you and he should respect that.

My MIL does do stuff for the kids, but we've made sure that it's "grandma's extra stuff", not the central part of the celebration.

[Mama2Bug]

I've been having this problem with my own mother- and DD isn't even 4 months old! For Christmas, she got DD a Christmas dress and filled her a stocking. The dress was too big, so I just got her another. The stocking got put under the tree as a gift from Grandmama.

Now that it is Eastertime, she calls and says "I got Cassie a couple of Easter dresses, so don't buy her one. And I am sending her a basket too." :

I've already bought the baby a dress and filled a basket for her. I guess the basket will just be an extra gift, as well as the dresses. It really makes me mad that my mom wouldn't stop to think that DH and I might like to choose and buy these "firsts" ourselves.

Then again, my mom has always been very selfish and I think she is trying to "redo" what went wrong with my brother and I. She has always used material things to make up for a lack of interest and/or attention. I just don't know what I am going to do if the problem continues through the years. I am trying to keep DD's material goods to a reasonable number. If my mom keeps it up, the kid will have too many toys to fit in her room.

I'm just glad that she lives several states away.

[bendmom]

My inlaws are notorious for having to be in control and taking over, VERY type A personality. I've had to subtly and not so subtly let them know how I feel, and sometimes it has to go through dh. For the most part I let them do what they want, I'm pretty easy going about it. The candy thing only happens for two holidays, so I let that go too.

[4evermom]

I always thought I would do things like invite MIL over for decorating eggs and to our house for ds's birthday. Things didn't work out that way since she and dh had a falling out and haven't spoken for a year. This taking over holidays is just like that recent thread about grandparents trying to take the baby away from the mother (I guess this was under "babes". Things like wanting to babysit breastfeeding babies, have them for overnight visits. This urge to be alone with the baby w/o the mother.) Both my MIL and my mother bought my ds his first halloween costume, but with my mother it was presented as "I can return it if you don't want it." I'm pretty grateful ds doesn't get much stuff from relatives for holidays. They get so overwhelming so easily. I held back about 1/2 of my ds's xmas presents. A three year old does not need a dozen new toys. I don't want to raise him to think every holiday is a great big extravaganza. Multiple baskets? No way. A small gift or a piece of chocolate? Fine.

[peaceful herbivore]

I don't know, I guess I am from the school of, you can buy her whatever you want, but just know that it will be a waste of money and time because if it is not something I think she should have or tell you we don't need or want, it is getting donated/thrown away/saved for another time etc...

For instance, I don't want my daughter locked into gender roles at such an early age. Okay, the occasionally dress here and there is cool, I am not completely unreasonable--but I have made it clear to family members etc, that I don't want her head to toe barbie/flowers/dreses/ruffled socks type thing--both for practical purposes (a 1 year old is supposed to keep a fancy dress clean???) and for political and feminist purposes etc...

Okay, so what do I get from MIL? Dress, dress, dress, dress, fluff, ruffled crap...she even goes so far to tell me "I know you said no more pink, but she is a girl and she is getting pink".....the nerve!

So instead of arguing, ya know what I do now? Nod, smile, say thanks, and toss it into the stuff to go on e-bay or to donate...I know it SHOULDN'T be that way, in a perfect world they would *get it* and respect your wishes etc, but to avoid arguements, hurt feelings, confrontation, all this---when things probably STILL won't change..I just accept it gracefully, then do whatever I want or had planned anyway. It is so much easier, trust me. I used to be all "but it's the principle!!" type thing, and it is, but seriously, they are gonna do it anyway, even in most cases when you DO have the talk with them or whatever, so I just chalk it up, bitch to my hubby later about it..LOL... then do whatever I want anyway...


Good luck!

[Irishmommy]

The dyeing eggs I would have no issue with, I hate doing that kind of thing!!

But I would make sure that all extras are from her not Santa, etc., and there is no way she would get to make a birthday cake for MY husband.

Of course, being that she's 3000 miles away, it's all moot!!

[chalupamom]

This is one of my pet peeves about the generation ahead of mine. I hear all the time that "kids" (meaning, people my age or so - in their 30s) aren't growing up. But I tell ya, the boomers aren't exactly making room for us to grow up, you know. Both my mother and my MIL are very invested in doing the "mom and dad" things for holidays so my kids end up with three Easter baskets, three Easter outfits, three birthday cakes, etc.

I'm finally putting my foot down. I am the mother and my children have another parent present and accounted for and we will manage our family's holiday and birthday celebrations. This year I had both grandmothers return Easter dresses and packed up my MIL's grocery store birthday cake that she brought (without checking) for my daughter's first birthday. My husband doesn't exactly get involved in these disputes, he'd just as soon see less of his own mother and when it comes to my own mom I have no problem standing up.

Things like making birthday cakes, dying eggs, buying special clothes for special events are the icing on the parental cupcake, the frilly stuff we get to do because we're also doing the hard stuff - getting thrown up on, going years without three consecutive hours of sleep, explaining the birds and the bees and so on. My advice is to figure out what's really, really important to you and take a stand. I doubt you'll ever regret it. If the eggs aren't really that important, then great, you can draw a circle around Easter baskets and claim those for yourself. Whatever it is, though, do it sooner rather than later and let her pout if it comes to that.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by peaceful herbivore

So instead of arguing, ya know what I do now? Nod, smile, say thanks, and toss it into the stuff to go on e-bay or to donate...I know it SHOULDN'T be that way, in a perfect world they would *get it* and respect your wishes etc, but to avoid arguements, hurt feelings, confrontation, all this---when things probably STILL won't change..I just accept it gracefully, then do whatever I want or had planned anyway. It is so much easier, trust me. I used to be all "but it's the principle!!" type thing, and it is, but seriously, they are gonna do it anyway, even in most cases when you DO have the talk with them or whatever, so I just chalk it up, bitch to my hubby later about it..LOL... then do whatever I want anyway...


Good luck!

Thanks. I did the "nod, say thanks, get rid of it later" type-stuff for a long time, but now that my dd is 7 and more AWARE of what she's getting from grandma, it's harder to get rid of stuff later!!

And for a long time now, g-ma has been doing this thing where she wants the basket she gave dd one year back each year so she can fill it again, which means that I have to keep TWO baskets around each year for dd instead of just one, and now that will multiply to FOUR baskets with my ds........... and g-ma is so poor that she shouldn't be spending any money at all, on anyone, but that's another story!!

[A&A]

Originally Posted by chalupamom

Things like making birthday cakes, dying eggs, buying special clothes for special events are the icing on the parental cupcake, the frilly stuff we get to do because we're also doing the hard stuff - getting thrown up on, going years without three consecutive hours of sleep, explaining the birds and the bees and so on.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! THIS is what I'm saying.

Merely standing up to her wouldn't be so hard if it just involved me. But I have to remember that dh has feelings, too (which usually contradict mine, LOL), and my kids do deserve some kind of relationship with their grandmother.

Personally, as I child I saw my grandparents once a year, and that was it. They were never really involved in our lives, so it's hard for me to figure out what a "normal" grandparent relationship should involve.

Of course, when I told MIL that dd would be recognized in a special assembly at school, she couldn't get her rear-end out of bed to make a 9 am. assembly!! (I should have told her it was some sort of HOLIDAY. Then she would have been there.)

[skylarsmama]

What's the big deal?
My mom treats my ds like her own child. She carved pumpkins with him for halloween for the past 2 years. He has hios own stocking at her house for christmas, and also his own easter basket.
He still does the fun stuff with me but he gets to do it twice which is just that much more fun to him.
The way I see it, as bad as this may sound, is that my mom won't be around forever. Why not let him make as many good memories with her as he can. I have plenty of time to do things with him and when he looks back he'll remember dying eggs with mommy, even if it happened the day he did it with nana.
I like that my mom is so willing to be involved with him. I hear some stories about how horrible grandparents are and the bad advice they give, etc.
My mom does give him some junk that he probably shouldn't have but for the most part she respects my wishes about not a lot of junkfood or crappy cheap toys.

much love
-Lindsey