how much of the "holiday stuff" do you let the grandparents do? - Page 2

[A&A]

I suppose that mom issues are generally different than MIL issues. If we didn't conflict in the first place, about a lot of things, then I'm sure the child-related issues would be much easier, as well.

My own parents don't try to take over what I consider to be the "symbolic" stuff.

[LeftField]

Originally Posted by peaceful herbivore

So instead of arguing, ya know what I do now? Nod, smile, say thanks, and toss it into the stuff to go on e-bay or to donate...I know it SHOULDN'T be that way, in a perfect world they would *get it* and respect your wishes etc, but to avoid arguements, hurt feelings, confrontation, all this---when things probably STILL won't change..I just accept it gracefully, then do whatever I want or had planned anyway. It is so much easier, trust me. I used to be all "but it's the principle!!" type thing, and it is, but seriously, they are gonna do it anyway, even in most cases when you DO have the talk with them or whatever, so I just chalk it up, bitch to my hubby later about it..LOL... then do whatever I want anyway...

Me too. My mother shows her love through food and presents. I fought and fought about excessive gift-giving and about items that I philosophically disagreed with...from when I was still pregnant with my first. It caused some hard feelings, but while the present-giving's still excessive, it's dramatically less than it would have been. At this point, I'm giving up.

She knows we don't like toys with batteries. She knows we don't allow candy yet. She knows we don't need financial help, like clothes-buying. Yet my kids get presents on every Hallmark holiday. They get Halloween presents, Valentine's presents, etc. She repeatedly asks to buy their clothes, even though we can well afford it and I've usually stocked up in off-season sales.

The night before I came to visit her recently, she asked, "Is it Ok if I do an Easter egg hunt tomorrow?" She asked, although she had already bought the stuff, written the egg notes and arranged the whole thing, knowing I wanted to but couldn't say, "no". This is after she gave me 80 bucks for clothes my kids don't need, supposedly to make up for the presents they weren't getting. Among the loot, the kids got seasonal stuffed animals and a LOUD musical toy. I feel like she is loading up my house with crap I dislike and also stealing my thunder a bit on holiday celebrations.

You know what though? My kids aren't going to be harmed or spoiled. They'll associate this with Grandma only. I thanked her, took the toys to the car and then got rid of them. No one has asked about them. My older son liked one seasonal toy she got, so I let him have it. He lost interest within 24 hrs, making it an easy candidate for donation.

For us, this is the best way, because she's going to do what she wants regardless. Still, it's highly frustrating to have your explicit wishes disregarded. We had a famous battle over an extremely loud talking alphabet book that I was very philosophically opposed to. She claimed she couldn't wait to order it (to ask me first) and that she couldn't return it; she *knew* that I was very against those things. In the end, ds agreed to trade it for a train and I won. That was my hill to die on, but hers too, apparently.

Anyway, nodding, thanking and donating works for us.

[cal]

I'm with you skylarsmama!
I love that my parents and my MIL want to be involved in mine, my husbands and my kids lives and that my kids are bringing joy into their lives...I'm counting on being able to do these things when I hopefully, am a grandmother someday -I don't think you can ever shut that parenting side of you off even if your children are grown!I love that they help on the holidays gives me a much needed break -not from my kids but from household stuff cooking, shopping,whatever and I spend more time with my kids because of the help!I used to resist this too but now I embrace it

[bunsmom]

Originally Posted by Irishmommy

Of course, being that she's 3000 miles away, it's all moot!!

You are soooo lucky!

"My MIL is a passive agressive martyr and very hard to deal with. You know..the whole give her an inch and she takes a mile...." PadmaMorgana do we have the same MIL?

Originally Posted by chalupamom

Things like making birthday cakes, dying eggs, buying special clothes for special events are the icing on the parental cupcake, the frilly stuff we get to do because we're also doing the hard stuff - getting thrown up on, going years without three consecutive hours of sleep, explaining the birds and the bees and so on.

skylarsmama What's the big deal?: I think the big deal is this is her MIL not Mom, and it seems as though she takes over EVERYTHING, not just the Easter or Santa thing. I think if her MIL was kind about everything else this would be no problem....maybe I am wrong on this...but I have a huge problem with someone (and I don't care how we are related) who treats me, DH or DD like crap and then wants to be a big part of the "fun". How convienent.

[PadmaMorgana]

Originally Posted by chalupamom

Things like making birthday cakes, dying eggs, buying special clothes for special events are the icing on the parental cupcake, the frilly stuff we get to do because we're also doing the hard stuff - getting thrown up on, going years without three consecutive hours of sleep, explaining the birds and the bees and so on. My advice is to figure out what's really, really important to you and take a stand. I doubt you'll ever regret it. If the eggs aren't really that important, then great, you can draw a circle around Easter baskets and claim those for yourself. Whatever it is, though, do it sooner rather than later and let her pout if it comes to that.

She wants to make DH's cake? : What does DH think about that? Personally, DH would rather have me make or buy a cake for him than his mom. Last year she bought a 3 day old cake (because it was 1/2 price) and sent it home with us (we tried to forget it). It was *huge*, stale and the only one who would eat it was DS, and he only eats icing. We ended up tossing it.

If she is coming to your home, she doesn't get to bring a cake. Think of it like a movie theater....no outside food allowed.

I think that occasionally it is nice to 'let' MILs do your special things with the kids, but sometimes it is hard to let go of issues when there are issues present in your relationship. My MIL feels the need to mother my son. Not DD, just DS. It goes back to when DS was born. She did not understand our rules or our boundaries, so now there are huge boundaries up. She still mows those down (like forcing DS to sit on the potty), which is why we are not so 'giving' with our time and activites.

In a perfect world, we would all work together to raise the kids. But this is not a perfect world and my kids don't need another mother, they need a fun grandparent. Even DS notices that grandma pouts when she doesn't get her way. Alas, he thinks she is mad at him

[A&A]

Originally Posted by cal

-I don't think you can ever shut that parenting side of you off even if your children are grown!

But what that does, in effect, is take over the parenting fun of others. (The current parents of your grandchildren.)

[A&A]

Originally Posted by bunsmom

I think the big deal is this is her MIL not Mom, and it seems as though she takes over EVERYTHING, not just the Easter or Santa thing. I think if her MIL was kind about everything else this would be no problem....maybe I am wrong on this...but I have a huge problem with someone (and I don't care how we are related) who treats me, DH or DD like crap and then wants to be a big part of the "fun". How convienent.

The overall problem is hard to explain, but she's always made me feel invisible. I don't think she's ever actually taken a picture of me, for example. (Not that I really want pictures taken of me, but it's just an example.) She always lines up her son and her grandkids for pictures......and I'm just left standing there.

So, the holiday thing is an extension of the invisibility concept. If I *didn't* exist, then dh would need her to bake a cake for him, he perhaps would need more help with holidays, etc. So, she's doing all that stuff now, as if I didn't exist.

Also, she's kind of a crappy grandma in other ways. She's ALWAYS late, which means that the kids can never count on her coming over at the time she says she will be here.

[mountain]

That sucks A&A. It is a big deal, can you make an attempt to talk to her yourself? I'm assuming she's never had a DIL before, maybe she is not real smart & is thinking she is helping. I'd bring up your feelings to her before you totally explode. Use lots of "I" statements, tell her how what she does makes you feel.

It's all about boundaries, I think, tell her your boundaries and see if she respects them.

[A&A]

She's really bad about boundaries. And dh has a hard time with enforcing boundaries, because he doesn't want his mom to sulk and withdraw from the kids. (If she does, that's her problem, I think.)

[bendmom]

I am just wondering, What makes MILs like this? I have been so busy with school the last couple of years that I didn't mind when MIL took over these things, but since they live so far way, it hasn't been that much of a problem. My biggest concern is when they always send money in a card for ds. The candy and clothes and toys we can always toss or save for later, but I don't think a five year old needs $20 everytime. When he gets cards from other people and there is no money he gets really upset, and we can't open his cards ahead of time kwim? :

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by LeftField

Yet my kids get presents on every Hallmark holiday. They get Halloween presents, Valentine's presents, etc.

My DS gets a gift for every single holiday, no matter what the holiday is, from his great grandparents (on his dad's side). Just yesterday he got a package for Easter- 2 books and a little chick that peeps. Fortunately they listen to what I say and somewhat stick to my limits (no candy as DS has multiple food allergies, limit the battery operated toys, ect). For Christmas they sent him some clothes (in a bigger size than he's wearing so it probably won't fit for another couple years) and some music cube thing. Each side has a different instrument and when you press it it plays. A little annoying after a while, but not horrible. For Valentines day they got him an outfit- khaki pants and a shirt with a "monster" that says "Watch out- he'll steal your heart"

My ex MIL is like your MIL, A&A. Fortunately (or not) I don't have any say in it, as she will do what she wants to with DS when DS is supposed to be visiting his father (his dad lives at home so DS sees his Grandma every visit). I have tried to just let it go, because I know there is nothing I can do about it. He gets a stocking, Easter basket, ect from his Grandma (and nothing from his dad ).

OT- Someone mentioned making paper eggs and coloring them.... great idea! My DS is allergic to eggs so I am definately doing the paper eggs with him. Thanks!!

[bethwl]

My mom kind of does this. She buys dd a ton of clothes, particularly special occasion dresses. For Easter, I don't care, because I wouldn't buy her one otherwise (we don't usually do much). But for Christmas I was annoyed, because I bought one that I liked and then it was like "where's that dress we bought her?" My parents don't see the big deal if we both buy things. They think it's fine to have a lot of everything. But it bugs me when we end with 3 outfits for an occasion and my parents then just want to essentially play dress-up doll with my daughter and take her picture. then I have to deal with the issue of storing the clothes. space is at a premium in our apartment. Eventually, i started saying to my mom "don't buy her a christmas dress, i want to buy it myself" or "thanks for getting these clothes, I'll look through them and decide which ones we can keep." I also like going shopping with my mom, because then we both kind of pick things out and my mom can buy the stuff she wants, but if she picks up something that I absolutely don't want, I tell her so. then I don't feel like I had no say whatsoever in what dd is wearing.

as for the holidays issue, i can definitely see the OP's mil's behavior as annoying. I think deciding what is worth putting up a fight for is important and then letting the rest slide. But then just be direct about what's important to you. If coloring eggs is important, tell her "I really like coloring eggs with the kids and they aren't usually interested in doing it twice, so don't plan on doing that with them." Or if you are comfortable including her in it at your house, then invite her.

[Parker'smommy]

Im finding this thread very interesting. We don't see my ILs all that much, even during the holidays as they are...well, just say that they aren't very nice people. But dh's mom usually will give ds ( and I"m assuming dd but she just got here!!) something for the holiday either on the holiday or after when we see them. I know that they do more for SIL's kids and stuff but that's okay because we are the ones that have set limits on their time with us and our family.

My mom on the other hand does all of the things you have mentioned AND...it doesn't bother me in the least. My mom has told me many times that she sees my kids as an extension of me, her child. She loves my kids and wants do as much as she can for them. She doesn't buy them stuff everytime she sees them but she definitely buys things for them for the holidays. She puts things in their stockings, but it isn't from her, its from Santa. She just bought it. She is putting things in their baskets too. But again, the stuff, as far as my ds is concerned, is from the Easter Bunny. SHe bought both of their Easter outfits, but we went shopping together and picked them out. She enjoys doing it, I got to pick it out, she paid for it. We both win. My parents and brothers are coming over to our house to help with the egg dying this Sat. night. She is very aware of my feelings about stuff like no candy and the type of things I want for my kids and doesn't go against them either though. Heck, yesterday, we were shopping for things to go in the baskets and she wore my dd in my Maya wrap. She knows my kids bf for an extended amount of time and doesn't bug me to have them stay with her.
I guess it really boils down to your relationship with the grandparent. I have a great one with my parents so what they do or buy for my kids doesn't bother me at all.

[LeftField]

Originally Posted by Parker'smommy

My mom on the other hand does all of the things you have mentioned AND...it doesn't bother me in the least.
...
She doesn't buy them stuff everytime she sees them but she definitely buys things for them for the holidays.
...
She is very aware of my feelings about stuff like no candy and the type of things I want for my kids and doesn't go against them either though.
...
I guess it really boils down to your relationship with the grandparent. I have a great one with my parents so what they do or buy for my kids doesn't bother me at all.

Respectfully, you're saying that your parents' spending on your children doesn't bother you, simply because you have a close relationship with them. But earlier in your post, you say that they don't buy all the time AND that they respect your wishes.

I, also, have a close relationship with my mother and she loves my kids to pieces. But she spends all the time, in quantity and she does go against my wishes. She's not trying to upset me. She just expresses love through things. I'm not sure if you can appreciate the quantity of plastic junk toys and disposable one-time-use seasonal toys that come our way through her, in addition to toys that I have previously expressed tremendous dislike for. My kids get wrapped presents for holidays like Halloween. Imagine having many birthdays throughout the year. It's not just an outfit or occasional stocking stuffer. It's vast quantities of plastic junk that I don't want and making a big to-do out of holidays that are low-key to non-existant for our family.

[onlyzombiecat]

My dh doesn't want me to make him a cake. His tradition is to go buy an ice cream cake for himself. MIL might buy him a cake and have us over to her place... she did that a couple of times. It has been hard because I like making cakes for people on their birthdays. I go with dh's preference though because it is his birthday. I guess I would view it as a mom's right to make their kid a birthday cake... even if they are adults. No one has to eat it. If dh doesn't want it he should tell her no thanks or say thanks and put it in the freezer for later. If your dh doesn't even really eat cake maybe you are both wasting your efforts and should find something else that he would like more. Maybe plan a party together.

Mil has never done much gifting or activities with dd.

My mom has done a lot more edging on those parental traditions but I choose to just say thank you because I know it is out of love and doesn't replace me in any way.

More than one Easter basket isn't a big deal to me. It happens.
I recall as a child getting to the end of the Easter egg coloring and really wanting to do more. I would have been thrilled to dye eggs twice. Even as an adult I'd like to do that. lol
Maybe just use a different method and/or create your own ritual- i.e. after we dye eggs we will make our special Easter candy or put up decorations. What you do is special because it is with you.

It sounds like the heart of the issue is you feeling mil has never acknowledged your place as wife and now mother. So you feel in competition or slighted even if it is little stuff. Easter & cakes probably wouldn't bother you if you felt she acknowledged your place in the family.
Have you talked to her about your feelings on any of this? If you haven't I would talk to her about how she makes you feel when she does this stuff in the way that she does it.

[aran]

In my own experience, underlying negative feelings in a relationship tend to color all the interactions in that relationship, so things that might be only slightly irritating and "overlookable" or even welcome, become negative and unpleasant. You seem, in later posts, to recognize that the spirit behind MIL's actions are to a great degree the offending problem, and the actions (i.e., highjacking holidays) may be a symptom of the negative undertones in your relationship with her. Seems like addressing the underlying relationship issues would go a lot further toward making things better than addressing the symptoms one by one (or maybe doing both at once). Of course, this is easier said than done. I tend to be very open and up-front, and if I were in a position like the one you describe, I imagine I might have a one-on-one face-to-face talk with my MIL about feeling "invisible" and about how that makes me feel, and how it ties in to the holidays-thing. When I have discussions like this with my MIL, sometimes she is cool about it and changes her ways, and sometimes she thinks I am being a stubborn <female dog>, in which case, I just take pains to avoid getting into the offending situation.

One thing that did get me thinking, though... when my DS is married, I would want the option of making him a birthday cake without the worry of my DIL being offended. After all, that was a very important day in my life (the most important, so far, in fact) too. I don't begrudge DH from MIL's excesses on DH's birthday - even more so now that I am a Mom - because I know how important that event was in MIL's life as well as in DH's life. It's something they share. Although I sometimes feel I want to "own" all of DH : , I try to stomp out that feeling, and be gracious. But in your case, this seems like just another event where MIL's underlying negative spirit toward you comes out, making the cake a tangible manifestation of the larger issue.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat

It sounds like the heart of the issue is you feeling mil has never acknowledged your place as wife and now mother. So you feel in competition or slighted even if it is little stuff. Easter & cakes probably wouldn't bother you if you felt she acknowledged your place in the family.
Have you talked to her about your feelings on any of this? If you haven't I would talk to her about how she makes you feel when she does this stuff in the way that she does it.

Dh has tried to talk to her about my feelings. But then she'll start crying to him, saying, "You always take her side over mine!" so she doesn't even get it.

Once I talked to MIL about my dd's feelings--when dd got stood up for an activity with grandma, because grandma "isn't a morning person" even though g-ma planned the morning activity!

Anyway, I told my MIL that she made my dd feel bad. MIL said that "everyone gets their feelings hurt sometime. She will just have to get used to it. You can't baby her."

OMG!! I told her she wouldn't get to see dd at all if she couldn't live up to her promises. She didn't talk to me for weeks after that.

So, I'm pretty sure that talking to her about my feelings would be useless.


The cake issue used to be huge--dh would tell me he really didn't want a cake, so I wouldn't do a cake. Then, MIL would come over with a cake, and he'd eat a piece!! So then I'd be mad at both of them.

Now I just do a cake anyway and he has a piece of it. Then whether or not MIL brings over a cake, I've already done a cake, and she can see that her cake is a little "redundant."

[aran]

I am so sorry for you, A&A. Sounds like MIL is a real winner. There are some people whose brains just don't operate on all cylinders (I have a SIL like that... makes me feel like ). Sounds like my proposal won't work. Maybe you just need to get tough with her - make a bunch of rules and enforce them as best you can. Good luck.

[girlzmommy00]

My MIL does basically the same. She likes to have something at her house for every occation. DH & I are separated but when we were together, it was like she'd forgotten that he was an adult. When we got married, she told me that she does all his banking for him & suggested that she could continue. Uh, heck no. The account was so off balance, I just had to close the account. Just to give you an idea of her actions. I tried to talk to DH & he just saw his mother acting the same as always. He was fine with her doing everything for him but I wasn't fine with it. I just put my foot down. I knew it wouldn't make me very popular with the in laws but I needed to do what I felt was best for my kids. Their best interests come first.
Now I don't live with DH so I don't have to make nice with MIL. She still wants to have the kids over for an additional celebration at her house. I just do what I want to for the holiday before or on the day & let her do what she likes after. For birthdays, I do the big birthday dinner & cake here on the day & she's free to do that the following weekend. I should add that she & FIL do not see the kids ever except for holidays (they live 15 min away), so I don't have to deal with her other than holidays.
But after some not popular comments & actions, MIL does now buy clothing at Old Navy, where the girls like to shop & they are great about returns. She's started asking for gift suggestions instead of just doing what she wants. Putting my foot down didn't make me well liked at first, but eventually they did realize that I wasn't trying to be mean to them, just looking out for the girls.

[UUMom]

I'm the minority, i guess, because I simply do not enjoy egg dying, cookie decoratng or anything like that. I called my sister and begged her to come over this week & dye eggs, but she couldn't. So, my poor six yr old still has not dyed an easter egg this year. I find it silly and boring, but my kids *love it*. My sister said she will come tomorrow. My kids have the dyes I ordered ( from a waldorf-type catalog. i mean, i do know how to think ahead. lol) out and the beeswax ready to go. If she doesn't show tomorrow (she's hugely peggers), then I am going to have to do it, and I don't want to. :

I wish my MIL would get her ass over here, already. I do bake cakes, but it would not bother me if someone brought along a spare. I am still trying to figure out how someone bringing food to a casual party would be a problem. Don't people do that all the time? I also would not have any problem with someone putting something extra in my kids stocking.

Maybe I'm an idiot (and I know I am. :LOL ), but that just doesn't register on my annoyance scale at all. My kids are mine, all mine, and I am perfectly happy to let others pamper my kids. My kids love me, and pretty much know I am the mother goddess, and what more could you ask for? Grammy can bring whatever she likes, but I still rule. Plus the fact i find so much holiday stuff completey **annoying** , so it would be a huge plus to have someone do a little shopping for me, hang those damn stupid tinsel things on the tree etc. That's just not fun to me.

How sad are we? Our easter basket is still mostly empty. I'll need to shop tomorrow. Thankfully, the waldorf school store is open on Sat. I wish my MIL had an urge to shop. She hates shopping more than i do. If that is even possible. She does make them easter bread, however, and puts hardboiled eggs in them. My kids love those.

I know I am the oddball, but with 4 kids, I am always open to the generosity of others. For one thing, I **know** my Dad is going to be bringing a load of chocolate bunnies over on Sun, but my kids , having little access to such things, will eat them in one day. It will be all over in under 3 hours. :LOL The stuff dh and I put in the basket (my 4 kids share one) is only what we want our kids to have. Books, art supplies, Cds etc.

I suppose if i hated my inlaws or my parents, i'd feel differently. But they are all good eggs.