Discussing good/bad days in front of DD

[sun-shine01]

My husband and I usually discuss our days at the table while we are eating dinner with dd who is 27 months and very verbal. Currently I have only discussed her positive behaviors during this time and held off on telling him the negative things while she is listening and telling him of the negative things when she is not present.

Lately I have begun to wonder if I should be talking about the negative things also.

What do you guys think?

[mamawanabe]

great question.

This weekend I was at a conference and I really messed up the paper I was reading IN FRONT OF MY DISS DIRECTOR. At a party later that night she told the story to the group we were talking to, and it was wonderfully relieving to hear her voice it (and so nonchalantly). Had she not said anything about it, had she just given her usual speel of nice stuff (she is a wonderful director), I wouldn't have been able to let it go.

Narrating the bad stuff in a lighthearded accepting, even humorous way is an important life survival tool. Ditto for narrating the bad stuff of others.

At the same time, you don't want to talk bad about her, you know. So it is the way you tell the bad maybe?

Interested in what others think.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by mamawanabe

Narrating the bad stuff in a lighthearded accepting, even humorous way is an important life survival tool. Ditto for narrating the bad stuff of others.

Interested in what others think.

[lilylove]

[yaM yaM]

Well, the cons of doing it behind her back (which is you only other option) are that, if she accidentally overhears anything...
She might feel ashamed, etc. plus she'll learn that example herself. Believe me, when she's bigger, it will be hard enough to help her navigate through all of the girly behaviour (socially speaking, like at school) that is sometimes ethically questionable (*gossiping* included). Help her develop righteous behaviours at home, while she's little.

And on a side note:
for some reason....
My daughter (who is now 10), as well as all of my friends' daughters, have this very peculiar genetic trait -- it seems they can hear through walls and even whispering across houses....
hmmm...

[peaceful herbivore]

I think discussing all aspects of your life and moods (within reason of course!) is really healthy for children...as long as it isn't damaging (honey, the boss grabbed my rear today...what should I do!!) or whatever...as long as it is appropriate, not TOO serious etc, I think it is totally fine to reflect that today was kind of crummy, you wish the day had gone faster, someone said a rude comment, whatever---

I think it helps children learn that people have and are allowed to express all kinds of different emotions. I think it helps children learn that, although you are upset about something (and don't dwell forever on it), that something *bad* can happen and it doesn't break you or ruin yor life, I think it's important for children to learn that life and the world isn't perfect but that you can still have a happy, full life despite of that...it helps children to learn that Mommy and Daddy can depend on eachother trough thick and thin and are eachother's sounding board and stress release etc...

I think it's fine! Some of these benefits mentioned above might be completely subconcious to the child until a certain age, but I think it is definately beneficial....again, within reason. I wouldn't discuss anything TOO *heavy* around small children (betsy told me she is going to DIE *burst into tears*) type thing....but everyday crap of life that gets you down or upsets you or pisses you off a bit is okay in my opinion, as long as it is peppered heavily with how great life still is!

Good luck!

[singermom]

We've started trying to play the "What's the best thing that happened to you today?" game when we eat dinner. That way, if either DH or I has had a totally crappy day, we can fall back on "picking up you girls at day care," or "making dinner for my family." But both kids are pretty intuitive, so we can't hide it completely. So if it is really obvious that one of us (or one of them, for that matter) has had a bad day, we will try to talk about it, be empathetic to each other, but not dwell on it. My DH suffers from depression, so that part about not dwelling can be a trick, believe me!

I agree with the other posters about trying to minimize heavy topics, like death or serious illmess, but by the same token there are times when I worry that I am sheltering my girls (at least the older one) too much--it can be very hard to strike that balance between what is going to completely freak out a sensitive 5-year old, and what she's going to need to learn to deal with, regardless of age.

Interesting thread. Thanks.

Mia

[onlyzombiecat]

In terms of dd's behavior... If dd has had negative behaviors during the day I might say to dd in front of dh that I felt we had a challenging day with________ and include her in the discussion instead of just talking over her head about it. I wouldn't make a huge deal about it at the dinner table but I wouldn't not mention it either. I wouldn't bring up every little thing she did during the day. I'd probably emphasize the positive more at that time.
If it is something with her behavior that is unresolved, that I need to vent about or get feedback on from dh I'd probably wait until we were alone to talk instead.

If it is a parent's bad day I think it is better to share what is going on to some degree rather than just be grumpy for no reason.

[coleslaw]

At dinner, we not only talk about the best thing that happened today, but the worst. It usually comes out about challenges we had together - whether it was me or her. It gives her a chance to talk about what she did or a chance for her to "tell on" Mommy. I think it allows her to open and honest and knows that we will be too.

[famousmockngbrd]

It all comes out at the dinner table with us - the good, the bad, and the ugly, lol. I am not one for keeping anything to myself.

I do try not to go on and on about it, though. I try to involve DS in the conversation, to get his side of it so it's not just me talking smack about him. And I try to talk about what we learned from it, what we can do differently next time, how it made us all feel, etc. And I try to leave the subject on a positive note, like "I know next time we'll do better" or "DS apologized and I think that helped", etc.

Also, I don't just vent about him. I relate incidents. If I feel like I just need to rant and let off steam, I dont do it in front of him. That's not fair. But I don't think glossing things over or only focusing on the positive is helpful, either. Bad things happen, they're a part of everyday life. Ignoring them is not healthy. I think it helps DS process them mentally if we talk about them later, especially in story-telling form to someone who wasn't there, like Daddy. We can put it in perspective, get it out of our system and move on.

[kamilla626]

I do something along the lines of what famousmockingbird does. I don't just save the good stuff for discussion, but - for example - I'll tell dh (in front of dd) "Taryn hit me with a toy today." Dh will say "Wow that must have hurt" and I'll go on to say that it did, but that she said she was sorry and gave me a big hug... I knew it was a mistake... she knows that hitting people is not ok... "

We have lots of conversations like that about the positive stuff too. Taryn seems to soak in more feedback if we're talking to each other about her, rather than talking directly to her.