Differences in treatment of grandchildren?

[water]

Not sure what title to put on this exactly...but ds, who is almost four, was the 1st grandchild on either side of the family, and so he was SHOWERED with gifts, before and after he was born, I mean it was ridiculous!! And presents showed up regularly in the mail, at any time, for years, so much so that he started calling the UPS truck the "present truck" :LOL

I kind of expected that to happen since he was the first grandchild, but what I didn't expect was the treatment (or non-treatent) of my dd, now 5 months.

Since she has been born, my parents have sent a few things, but she has gotten ZIP ZILCH NADA from the other side. At Christmas even she got one outfit, and my ds STILL got at least 15 presents!

I don't mind if they want to give less stuff to both children; it's kind of gross how much stuff my ds has gotten in the past and I've had repeated conversations where I have asked for them to give my ds less stuff especially as he gets older and realizes whats going on, but to give him tons of stuff and then not give my daughter anything is not ok.

I'm hoping this was a case of oh she is a baby she doesn't need anything (which is very true, but neither did my ds for that matter) and not blatant favoritism, but it's getting a little weird...

hmmm, now I think about it, it's not even so much like favoritism, it's more like they were really excited about one grandchild, but now they are kind of over it and not really interested in any more...does this make sense at all? So my ds is still exciting to them because he is the one going through stages they haven't seen before, but my dd is just repeating things as far as they are concerned.

I dunno, any input?

[L.J.]

It may be that they think that whatever they buy for the oldest will also be for hte youngest and since she is a baby, she can't open gifts or anything & probably doesn't need as much. Maybe as she gets older, interacts more with them, it will start to even out a little more. (I'd give them a couple years).

It is difficult though. My kids get treated differently from their dad's family. Their grandad sends money for my oldest son's birthday and nothing for my younger son. I wish they would either give to both or do nothing. It's been easy while they've been young, but as they're getting older, I imagine someone will start to notice.

[4evermom]

Hopefully, it is just a matter of "she's a baby and doesn't need toys yet."

I have a friend whose mother told her she was out of line for throwing christening parties for all three of her girls. She was told it was only appropriate for the first. I'm wondering if she'll feel the same about weddings if all three girls decide to get married . I have a different friend whose sister declared her child's first birthday was more important than the christening of my friend's second child because it was her second.

There are definitely people out there that think the first is the most important. Probably it will even up when she is old enough to notice unequal treatment.

[LiamnEmma]

We've experienced this in a slightly different way. On dh's side, all grandkids are pretty much the same, there are 29 of them, so there is little room for favoritism. On my side however, it has been clear that my father prefers my kids to all the others. He has been somewhat rude to my brother's children since mine were born. It is sad, it is embarassing, and I can only hope that my nephews don't notice it the way the adults do. ugh. It sucks.

[mirthfulmum]

I've experienced the same kind of favoritism. When my first son was born relatives were falling over themsleves to come and visit. Yet with my second, only my mom has come, and that was to help with my oldest during the birth. My second didn't get the showering of gifts and attention that my oldest did and it makes me sad. I am glad that he is too young to know that his grandparents haven't made the trip to meet him. And I hope he never finds out how long it took them all to get around to building a relationship with him.

I think it is, as another poster wrote, a case of been there done that. My older son is a new experience. Every day he is moving into a new stage of life, he is a new experience. And it seems like relatives see it as the younger one just following in his brother's foot steps. So sad, they're missing out on an amazing, wonderful, precious and unique person in my younger son.

[Heavenly]

I have the same situation from both sides of my family. DH's parents did the same thing with giving tons of stuff to my son and nothing to my daughter. For her first birthday they gave her one present and brought him four! Yes they brought HIM gifts for HER birthday! That was the day it came out because after all the party guests had gone home I freaked on them (they were staying with us for the weekend because they live 5 hours away). My MIL said that wasn't true and blah, blah, blah and then went into the guest room and stayed there until the following morning. As she's gotten older things have gotten way better on FIL's end. He seems to be completely equal in his attention to both children and now seems to adore DD. but MIL is still showing favoritism to Elijah over Olivia. Not so much in presents now because she knows I'm watching but in how she treats them. She doesn't really hold Olivia and she tells her off for stuff but she never tells Elijah off. And she gets mad at me when I put Elijah in timeout or tell him off for doing something to his sister because she always say Olivia was goading him. Whatever!

My parents clearly favour my neice. She will be 6 in April and is my sisters only child (there are just the two of us so they have 3 grandkids). She is autistic and doesn't act out the same way a "normal" (hate that word) child would so they think she is miss perfect. Then when my kids act like normal kids (tantrums, fighting, whatever) they say how wild and out of control my kids are and look how calm my neice is. My mom is always thrilled to go to my sisters or babysit my neice but if I ask her to babysit mine she hums and haws and acts like its a huge inconvenience. It is REALLY irritating!

[jeanieloz]

This is experienced on both sides of my family. I jokingly call my two of my nephews (one on each side) "the Golden Child" because things are showered upon them and they are perfect and always the topic of conversation... blah blah blah... it gets really boring and old after a while, and God forbid if I say anything against this "perfect" child. My MIL was really bad about getting my middle son stuff, but nothing for my oldest. She may get them each a gift, but the difference in value is Great, and VERY apparant! I pretty much told her off, but she still does it on occasion. My parents have yet to give my youngest anything. I was really teed off about his second birthday, they didn't send him anything, a card would have been a nice gesture, I don't expect gifts, but acknowledgement I think is necessary. However, they bought my neice a car (out of the blue thing) and they started looking for a house for the golden child, so he can live in it when he goes to college, and they gave him a car for his birthday... just pisses me off they give them cars, but couldn't even send my kid a freaking card?!?! Oh but it get's better, they said they would send him something, and three months later, it still hasn't arrived.
So are you alone in this,,, not at all! My grandmother had over 30 grandkids and we each got a card and a dollar for our birthday... it really is the thought that matters! My parents only have 9 grandkids, are retired, and don't have any excuse IMO!
Donna

[GruppieGirl]

My brother and I grew-up being the least spoiled ~by far~ of the grandchildren.

Every summer the entire family would come to the area where my immediate family and grandparents lived. My grandparents were constantly taking the othe 4 grandkids out for ice cream or to Chuck E Cheese. Of course our feelings were hurt. My parents just complained to each other about it. They never spoke to my grandparents.

Fast forward...I am now 30 with 2 little munchies of my own. My grandparents who only live 2 hours away have never been to my home (lived here 4 years). Yet, they travel to my cousins house (by car) that is 12 hours away.

I mail birthday and Christmas cards and see them couple if time a year when I go to there house. They have hurt everyone in my immediate family so much hat we can't stand them. Honestly, I wonder if my parents had just called this favoritism to their attention years ago if everything would have been different. Maybe they don't realize that they treated my bro and me differently?

Maybe your family doesn't realize that they are treating your kids differently? After 30 years of feeling hurt, I can only advise you to confront your family about it. You don't have to make the confrontation into some big intervention. Just jokingly point out how spoiled #1 was and how you are so glad they got control of there shopoholic tendencies. (Giggle after you say this).

Best of luck to you!! Let us know what you decide to do.




PS My brother and I turned out to be the only "normal" cousins. It may be snarky, but it makes me feel better.

[mamawanabe]

There was lots of this from my well-meaning grandparents (favoring my dad and thus me and my siblings over my cousins, favoring my brother, the only son of an only son , over everyone).

As a kid I noticed it and accepted it without question. As an adult I am a rather aghast that it happened and is still happening. Things like gender bias ("they just like my brother better cause he is a boy" etc) are somehow less personal explanations when you are a kid. I take it all very personally now. If it continues, I imagine it will be the same for your dd. She'll know but not bat an eye as a child, but she'll be pretty put-out about it when she is an adult.

[hipumpkins]

When my maternal grandmother was a young mother her 1 st daughter was favored by one set of the family. My grandmother put a stop to it saying that if they wouldn't give to the others they could not give to one. On that side of the famlily there was and is NEVER a shred favortisim showed toward anyone. On my father's side it is a totallly different story but truthfully my sisiter I never cared about not being favored b/c we didn't live near them and frankly they were mean grandpartents on the occasions we did see them. As an adult I stopped being in touch with them at all.

I am having my 2nd child at the end of June and while I know there will be no favortism from my side I don't know what to expect from the inlaws. If any evidence of favortism is shown I will put a stop to it just my grandmother many years ago.