What do I do in this situation?

[Siana]

We are invited to go to my husbands grandmothers retirement home (it is more like a very upper class condo building) for Easter lunch in their meal area. Grandma T has one very specific request from me -- DO NOT nurse in the meal area. She said it will offend the folk there. I have been told that if I want to nurse while everyone is eating, I can go into an ajacent *private* room to do so.

I know for a fact that my 5 month old will (without a doubt) want to nurse as we eat. He has almost always nursed at the meal table at home, and when we are out, he tends to nurse more often anyway.

All this makes me so MAD! I don't want to change the way I nurse (and I will be discreet) to conform to the immature notions of a bunch of 80 year olds. I know Grandma T has to live with these people, and she feels she has to make her guests conform to some unwritten social code, but I still can not completley understand it. I am given to understand that bottle feeding is fully acceptable because that is the form of feeding most of the people at the home used on their babies (heaven forbid you use your breast outside the privacy of your home for even something so natural as nuturing your innocent helpless baby).

Sorry for the rant everyone. Please tell me, should I just do this to make her happy, or should I stand my ground and breastfeed discreetly (and hope she doesn't notice). Are there other options?

[Simply Nurtured]

These are just my own thoughts, as an older mama. I would imagine that a lot of the ladies in that home nursed their own children. But, maybe she is more concerned about mixed company.

I used to try to be respectful to my IL's who had never been around breastfeeding and just did not know any better.

My folks when compared to my ILs were like night and day.

My own father always insisted I that not ever leave the room , to always nurse in his presence, does not bother him one bit, to him it is a normal and natural process and that is what breasts are for.

You might be able to do it where no one would notice, especially if you have a front carrier/sling. With my second baby (who is now 16!!! boohoo, why do they grow up, LOL), my FIL sometimes would walk right into a room where I was nursing, talk to me, then walk out, never knowing that was what I was doing.

Does this help at all?

I hope so.

[Sustainer]

No way would I comply with that request. That is a completely unreasonable request. Tell her that you are going to breastfeed openly, and if she wants to retract her invitation, so be it.

[Siana]

I know that the rest of the family will just tell me to comply to 'keep the peace'. I really don't want to upset anyone else, but why it is okay to upset me and my baby by setting limits on our bf relationship? Breastfeeding is the only way he eats, and in so many words, grandma T is telling me that some obscure social standard takes precedence over the basic need of my child to eat naturally. Anyone's embarrasment at seeing a baby breastfeed (or even a lactating breast) does not take precedence over the right of a mother to breastfeed her baby in comfort or the right of a baby to breastfeed naturally.

Thank you for your responses mamas. They made me realize a few things that are at the heart of our parenting methods.

I will talk to my lactivist husband about this and air out my thoughts, and I hope he is with me. I plan to Bf disccreetly. Wish me luck!

[velcromom]

I'd do it anyway, but I'd let her know I don't plan to hide when ds wants to nurse. I'd ask, is that a condition of our visit? Because ds eats when we do, and I will feed him when he needs to be fed. If I were invited to share a meal with them, but would actually end up being stuck alone w/ ds in another room during the meal because of their preconcieved notions about breasts, why would I want to go anyway? We invite family over to spend time with... not to just be in the same building in different rooms.

I nursed my ds right next to my late FIL at BIL's wedding reception... he noticed ds was about to nurse and suggested we go to the ladies' room. I just made a face at him and said, eeww, I wouldn't eat my meal in there! and carried on. He made a big point at first of "not looking", til he realized nothing was showing and that I was continuing to eat my dinner and socialize as usual.

[chersolly]

Does she think that you'll run around the dining hall topless, like one of those 'Girls Gone Wild' chicks?

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by Siana

Grandma T has one very specific request from me -- DO NOT nurse in the meal area. She said it will offend the folk there.

hmmmmm....did she take a poll? Maybe she did, but it sounds more like "Grandma T" has a problem with this, and not the rest of the folk, yk? What would she do if you simply nursed when the baby needed to? I would think that most people wouldn't even notice, and that if she asked you to leave the room, SHE would be the one making a scene.

I wouldn't leave the room. If people don't want to see, then I'm sure they can find something else to look at besides your breasts.

[taz925]

I would nurse in the room should the baby want to nurse. If you act like it is normal and natural most people don't even notice. If you go to another room to keep the peace, that just confirms her notion that it needs to be hidden.
Good Luck,

Doreen

[annettemarie]

Do you have a sling? I would nurse in the room, but would probably make an effort to be "discreet" (ugh, I hate that word)

[soccerchic21]

I would refuse to go if I had to change the way I feed my child. You could bring a sling though. When I nurse Riley in the sling everyone always says...awww she's sleeping and you can just smile and say yes.

[Meiri]

This place has radicalized me! :LOL I'd've asked her why, if eating is something to be done in private--as demonstrated by her requesting that the baby eat only in private, they still have a room where everyone eats together.

Discreet just happened when I nursed because I was more comfortable with my shirt draping close to DD's face. If the residents there are eating and conversing, I doubt they'll even notice. They will notice a fussing baby though, and not in a happy way.

[Jennisee]

I sometimes have nursed DD in another room b/c I wanted to, b/c she sometimes nurses better in a quiet place w/ no distractions. But if someone told me I had to nurse in another room, I'd be ticked. Personally, and this is just me, I'd either refuse the invitation and make sure everyone knew why, or I'd show up and then refuse to leave the room if asked. But that's just vindictive ole' me. :LOL

[Mama Rana]

So how did it go?!?! I'm so curious. I'm not sure what I would do in a similar situation, and luckily no one has ever tried to set limits on our bfing yet. DH is starting to ask when I'll wean though, and I expect others will start asking soon as well (DS is almost 1). But he still nurses freqently through the day and night and I can't imagine ending that now. Today I nursed at a party hosted by my hubby's boss. There were two other babies there: one was 8 mos and she had bottles, the other was 8 wks and he was bf but the first time mom took him to another room (I think that's what she was doing but it could have been a diaper change) and later (after I had nursed) she nursed in the room we were in, but turned her back. I was a little worried cuz my DH was chatting with one of his "underlings" a 20something guy and DS kept popping off to check things out. But I just went on as if nothing was happening, pulled my shirt down a bit til he turned back into me, and kept talking.

[shishkeberry]

I would do it to be spiteful, but then again I don't particularly like my grandma.

[bri276]

I wonder how it went! I can just picture people standing up, knocking their glasses over, sputtering food all over the place in the horrifying presence of an infant nursing!! lol
OR, I can just picture a happily nursing baby, a completely unaware/uninterested general public, and an indignant grandma!
but hopefully not a hungry baby and mother shying away to a lonely corner! grrr that would make me so mad! (at them, not you)

[Siana]

Just before leaving for dinner I told my husband about the situation. His first reaction was "Grandma wants that arrangement only for her benefit." He went on to say that "she probably doesn't want to associate herself with a savage". (I am pretty sure grandma T already thinks I am a bit of a savage because I am probably the only non-white she has every been in contact with).

Anyway, on the way to the dinner I decided I was not going to say anything when we arrived but rather breastfeed my little guy on request like I always have, just being discreet.
When we got there however, the second thing grandma T said was "Siana, all I ask of you is that you not breastfeed in front of these people, and if you have to, please make sure your back is facing everyone." I snapped (my blood was boiling!) -- "Grandma, I don't see why I have to hide something I am not ashamed of, and shouldn't be ashamed of." She was a little annoyed, and said "I am not asking you to be ashamed of it, but lets just drop it." My MIL was right beside me at this point and said "You are not going to change her mind, so don't bother." The first thing that came to my mind was "I have the right to breastfeed my child comfortably and openly in Ontario. No one can dictate how I breastfeed my child." (I should have just said "and I am not going to change my mind about this issue either")
Grandma T just kept saying "Just lets drop it." but I couldn't! I said "I don't think anyone here cares about me feeding my child -- they will be too busy eating their own meals afterall." Grandma T had already shut down by that point.

So despite this entire exchange the meal went well enough. I sat at the second table, away from grandma T. I did however let the exchange effect the way I brestfed . I was trying to be more discreet, but my little guy kept popping off. Then my little girl fell in the lobby after monkeying around, and was upset enough that she was asking for 'boobie'. So, I did get to breastfeed my baby peacefully -- the much-too-old-to-breastfeed one! (grandma T thinks dd is too old I am sure).

So I think it all went pretty well, but I felt kinda bad about me pushing the agenda. I lost sight that she was making a 'request' from me, and was not 'ordering' me to act a certain way. I am contemplating leaving her a message on her answering machine both to apologize for the disagreement, but still standing my ground (something like "I couldn't help but saying something because breastfeeding is so close to my heart as a mother, and I don't appreciate when anyone tries to threaten that"). I am not very good with words though, so maybe I should just let this one go. So tempting to make it an example for all time though!

[TiredX2]

I'm glad it went as well as possible.

[bri276]

Great! you did it!!

I think just let it go. Don't feel like you need to justify or apologize because you don't. You didn't say or do anything rude or inappropriate- SHE did. If she feels offended, it is unwarranted. I understand wanting to keep the peace and I think the best way to do that is to continue being civil and polite to Grandma- you could make a point to get her something nice for mother's day as a sign of good will if you wish- but nothing that insinuates you are "sorry" for bfing.

You know what? I think after a while she'll get desensitized to it and get over it. If she doesn't, oh well! her problem.

[Siana]

You're right Lily.
And mothers day gift would be nice too.

[velcromom]

Good for you for standing up and making your position clear even though G'ma wanted to sweep it under the rug the minute she realized you weren't backing down. I agree that simply carrying on with things in a friendly way is the best course - right now, I'd bet she doesn't ever make that request again, best leave it at that.