Sensitive children & separation issues

[gizgirl]

I haven't posted here very much as yet, but I'm an avid mothering.com reader, & I was hoping to hear some words of wisdom/reassurance/encouragement about my highly sensitive son. He is almost 3 years & 8 months old, and has some definite separation issues.

I am a SAHM to twin boys, and they have never had much reason to be separated from me. Kyle is outgoing, comfortable with most strangers & in new surroundings, friendly and gregarious. Aidan is easily overwhelmed when surrounded by large (or even small) groups of children or adults, and will tend to stick very close to my side. There's a fairly informal activity group that we attend once a week, and he generally holds my hand or wants to play with me right next to him the entire time we're there. But towards the end of the session, when a number of the other children have left, he becomes much more confident & comfortable, and will start racing around & playing with Kyle like there is nothing wrong. He is generally fine around 1 or 2 other children, but as soon as there are more than that, he gets very easily overwhelmed. He also doesn't respond very well to strangers (and the more they are trying to be friendly & get "in his face," the more he shrinks away from them). It's not a new thing -- he's been this way since he was an infant, and I think it's just a part of his personality. He is highly attuned to moods, and even as an infant, he would start to cry if I bustled about the house too efficiently, calming down as soon as I took a deep breath and moved more smoothly. It's almost as though the energy around him is a pool, and if there are too many ripples or waves, he starts getting drowned by it.

I have always tried to give him the security that he seems to need, and have assumed that the separation will become easier for him as he gets older (provided that he is given the reassurance he needs now). On the rare occasion that he has had to stay with somebody relatively unfamiliar, he has done very well indeed. There were two separate occasions 6 months apart when DH & I had to take an exam together, so we left our boys with some good friends of ours, who came to look after the boys in our home. Each time, the caregiver said the boys were absolutely fine, and they showed no signs of having difficulty saying goodbye to me when I left. He stuck a bit closer to me for several days afterwards both times, but other than that seemed just fine. These days, Aidan is feeling much better about my leaving him periodically with DH, when either I go out for an errand, or perhaps they go out & leave me at home for a bit of a Mommy break.

I feel a bit frustrated by the clinging sometimes, but on the whole I feel as though we are doing fine. But I was talking to a friend the other day, who was expressing concern at his possible separation issues. We are planning to homeschool, and this friend was wondering whether I was simply assuming the separation difficulty would go away by itself. She didn't give a lot of detail, but she seems to be more of the opinion that separating for Aidan is something he needs to learn, and if he's not given the opportunity to do so (e.g. via something like preschool), it will continue to be an issue.

I have been thinking it through since our conversation, and I honestly believe that it will get easier, if simply because as he gets older, if only because we will be more easily able to discuss what he's feeling, and possible coping mechanisms for those times when he feels uncomfortable. I am assuming also that as he gets older, there will be things that he wants to do (sports or music or the like) which will make him feel more impetus to enrol in a class that doesn't involve me being there. Just because we're planning to homeschool, that doesn't mean he won't be placed in group situations. I'm trying to continue to offer him the opportunity to go places without me beside him, but at the same time not to overwhelm him.

Am I completely off-track here? I'd like to look up the latest research into separation issues, but it's hard to get journal access from home, & I'm not quite sure where I'd start! But I'd love to hear any suggestions or BTDT advice. This friend is generally very homeschooling-friendly, so I'm sure it's not an issue surrounding that prospect. Am I off-base to think that these issues will become easier for him as he ages? I tend to think about it as a sensitivity issue more than a separation one per se -- he has been playing with his brother without requiring my input for over an hour this afternoon, so it's not as though he needs me for a continuous audience at all. It's just that when there are others (non-nuclear-family) around, he often feels insecure and needs to reassure himself using me.

My apologies for the length of this. I'll be borrowing Elaine Aron's "Highly Sensitive Child" book again, just to refresh my memory. But any of your thoughts would be very much appreciated!

Giz. Mom to Kyle & Aidan, nearly 3 years & 8 months old.

[Mizelenius]

She didn't give a lot of detail, but she seems to be more of the opinion that separating for Aidan is something he needs to learn, and if he's not given the opportunity to do so (e.g. via something like preschool), it will continue to be an issue.

I think most AP versus non-AP issues come down to what I bolded above. It is SO tempting (I know because my mind always, always creeps back to the above when I face a problem) to believe it . . .children need to learn to fall asleep on their own, need to learn to not depend on nursing . . .need to learn to play alone (this is something I struggle with) . . .they are always needing to learn SOMETHING . . .something that we see as a flaw, something that will make them less dependent. And if they don't learn this, well, we have failed our children as parents and it makes our lives harder, too!

Though I'm not planning on homeschooling, I think you can provide tons of opportunities for your DS to develop confidence away from you. Do I think you should force him, through, something like preschool? No, no I don't. I was a teacher (early childhood) and I saw children who were forced to separate and it doesn't work. They just end up feeling LESS secure, just like with the whole CIO method.

Now, on the other hand, there were children who flourished away from their parents because their parents constantly worried about them . . .they lacked confidence in their children and their children knew it. It doesn't sound like you fall in that category, though!

[coleslaw]

My dd is/was the exact same way. She got overwhelmed by crowds, loud noises, bright lights. She would stick to me like glue until she felt comfortable. I could never do a class where the moms "dropped off" the kids, even if I was right outside the door, in her sight. She went through various phases of separation anxiety, even not wanting to be with dh (this was while she was 3, not just the baby years). I always had to put her to sleep. She nursed until it was down to 5 seconds per time and it hurt since I was pg.

I originally looked into homeschooling due to her nature (we stilla re, but for many other reasons as well). I never put her in preschool, but was very tempted because I thought she needed to learn too. I'm glad I didn't listen to others (and myself at times). She is now 4 1/4 and doing very well. I actually found a class that she is comfortable in enough for me to leave. Right now she is sleeping in her own bed with her Daddy putting her to sleep. She rarely uses her ear muffs for loud noises. She still does feel emotions strongly, including other people's emotions, but has been better at dealing with it.

Her biggest progress came a couple of months before she turned four and is still progressing now (always has been, of course, but the biggest changes came recently). I would like to think that by me helping her to be herself and not forcing any issues on her did the trick, but who knows? Age definitely plays a role.

So I guess what I am trying to say is you are doing fine and so is he. All these things happen if you just let it and provide him with opportunities to grow at his own pace. I don't think homeschooling is going to hinder any progress assuming you aren't going to thawrt any potential progress he could make (it doesn't sound that way at all). Raising Your Spirited Child helped me tremendously to accpet her for who she is and how to best deal with her strong personality traits.

He sounds like a great kid. It's interesting that your twin boys could be so different. Are they identical or paternal? My sisters are identical and one is defintiely more self-confident thatn the other, but they have similar personalities.

[kiahnsmum]

Hi i would like to share some of my experiences with my son and hopefully it will be an encouragement to you.
DS had always been super sensitive, so in new situations would always cling close by, i was always generally accomadaton to his personality although at times it was overwhelming. I always got the comments like 'your spoiling him' hes gonna be a mamas boy' etc. we attend church so it was a big issue leaving him in the creche which i did try but he got so upset that i never did it again mothers would almost sneer at seeing me in the creche with him yet again and there was always offers for him to be taken so i could creep out. You definitly have to be thick skinned when you have a sensitive child there have been many times when i have had to bite my tongue or walk away. I tried preschool but he got so upset and when i told my mum she said "dont you ever leave him again!" So after he stayed at home for a while i made sure we always had a lot to do with other people and i was always exposing him to new situations but i remained with him all the time only leaving him for long periods with my mother who brought us up AP he began staying over at her house every friday night sleeping in her bed which he loved and it was a great break for me. At 4 years he was becoming more confident and i decided to enrol him in a small preschool, they had no more thatn 20 kids at a time and at least 4 teachers. I took him and showed him around and he joined in with some boys in the sandbox, the next day he started officially i was so nervous i told him i could stay for a bit but then i had to go, because of spending so much time with him i can read him well and he seemed fine he waved good bye and that ws that. He started going only twice a week at first for quite a while then towards the time for him to go to school we increased his days slowly.
Now he is at school and we only had a few grumbles when he first started, im very involved with school activities and go on all the trips and if he has a particularly busy few days i let him have a day at home.
i wished that i had known about homeschooling as i definitly would have chosen this option for him we are now considering it as we find out more.
I would urge you not to push anything way to go for homeschooling, i am constantly been told by teachers and other parents what a confident and well behaved boy i have and the other day when i picked him up from a birthday party the mother couldnt stop saying how amazed she was at his politeness and that he was the best behaved by far!!! 2 years ago i wouldnt have been able to walk out the room witth out him howling the roof down!
Good things take time.

[beanma]

my 4 yr old dd has always been _very_ attached to me. giz, i think you're reading the situation exactly right. dd1 has been in a dance class since last fall when shewas about 3.5. she absolutely loves dance so it was the right class for her, but i (and all the other mamas) are right there in the same room, just not out on the dance floor. the girls come running over to us from time to time and then run back to join class. i was surprised thar she was able to separate from me like that, but she really has outgrown a lot of her "shyness". i think your little guy is just very cautious and likes to check out a situation before jumping into it. you're doing just right by him in my book.

we're going to try preschool in the fall, but haven't done that yet. i'm nervous about dropping her off and leaving, but it's a co-op preschool where i can stay if need be. i can always pull her out if she needs me to, too. if you want to you might find a class for something he's interested in like dance or gymnastics or music and see how that goes. no need to push, though. our parks and rec dept has great week-long classes especially in the summer for little kids. local museums have some nice ones, too.

i second the "spirited child" by mary sheedy kurcinka recommendation. i loved her other book "kids, parents, and power struggles" even more -- course i read it first :LOL. she talksa lot about temperament and different traits. i think it might resonate with you. she addresses sensitivity and cautiousness as well as exuberance and "spiritedness".

hth

eta: there's a sensitive child thread here -- http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=196898

[zjandosmom]

My ds #1 was much as you described. I too got many comments urging us to leave him and let him "learn" to deal etc. I am happy we did not cave. He is now 6 and still very sensitive, but also confident in himself. We let him tell us when he was ready. I did put in him preschool when he was almost 5, but was prepared for him not to go . Wouldn't you know the first day we walked him to his class (only 6 kids) and he walked in without a glance back. Mama had to leave so he wouldn't see my tears. He was ready. I did look at MANY schools to find one that had small classes and felt "warm and fuzzy"! I too thought I would homeschool K, but ds cried : when I talked to him about it! He loved school and really wanted to continue. The child who was my own personal piece of velcro was ready to explore the world without me! Wow. He felt so strongly about school that I felt I had to honor his choice and the search began again for a school. He is now 3/4 of the way through kindergarten and is flourishing. All this to say that if I had to guess I would say your little guy will find his way it just may take some time. Ds#1 still has his moments and I must say they do take us by surprise as we have come so far, but they seem to remind us that we can't change him. We just try to help him deal with his emotions in a productive way ie no screaming tantrums! One example: he wanted to play soccer so we signed him up. He loves the practices but come game day no way is he giong to play. He was crying, screaming, kicking, etc! Dh and I were floored....what do we do? He made the commitment to play, he's 6?KWIM finally we let him tell us what he needed and now he goes to practice and watches the games