9 yo lacking self esteem

[Flor]

As dss is the oldest, dh and I are feeling lost. He is so self concious. He is so worried about what others think about him. He got his mom to buy him a new skateboard because he said the other kids were making fun of his cheaper skateboard which wasn't even true since he's never taken it to school. He told us he was just afraid that they would make fun of him. He is worried his shoes are not right. Dh and I want to show him that this materialism isn't something we value, but I am afraid he is at an age where he doesn't care. He doesn't want to hear that if they are judging you by your clothes you don't need them as friends. He just wants to know how to get those friends. He wants to join a sports team but says he can't because he might mess up. He was always rather popular before, this is the first year it is an issue. I am a teacher and I think kids sense his insecurities and it eggs on some of them. Is 9 too late to build up a kids self esteem? Dh feels like an utter failure as a parent.

[OTMomma]

I've never btdt, but I felt compelled to answer anyway. I think a person can build self esteem at any age, I think adolescents is a time when most kids self esteem takes a plunge. There is no way not to feel self concious going through puberty!

I think a good choice might be to get him involved in working with something where he is really needed and that takes the pressure off of looks or skills. Something like working with underprivleged kids, or elderly people. Scouts might even be a good choice. good luck

[Flor]

That is a good idea. I hate "forcing" him to try things but I think he needs it a little. Example: we told him he had to sign up for one thing last summer. He chose police camp because it was shorter (3 days, 3 hours a day) than anything else. BUT he ended up loving it. I thnk that gives him confidence-- knowing he did it. He just doesn't want to join anything or try anything new. He cries at the idea.

[journeymom]

Gosh, I hope 9 y.o. isn't too late! That makes me 28 years too late! :LOL

You're right, you can't convince him that material things don't matter right now. But keep saying it anyway. It's not so much about the skate board as it is about him trying to fit in with The Group. If it wasn't the skate board it would be something else. Be mindful that fitting in with their peers is the MOST important thing to kids this age. I think it's almost primal, like a survival thing.

I like the idea of getting him involved in something where he has to think about others, do for others.

Also, keep reminding him you love him regardless. He needs to hear it from Dad, especially.

[Flor]

ITA. Our automatic response is to push him out of his shell, but I hope he doesnt get the message that we don't adore him, shell and all. We are at a loss about how to build up his confidence. I guess it is the flip side of being sensitive. On the one hand, I am glad he cares about other people. On the other hand, he worries too much about their opinion of him.

[Deja]

Some of the schools in my area have wonderful mentoring programs, in which older children are assigned younger children to mentor, often tutoring the younger children in math and reading.

The children are matched according to the areas in which they struggle; a 9 year old who is struggling in reading will then be assigned a 6 year old to tutor.

This has proven incredibly effective in motivating the older child and also in building that child's self-esteem.

I don't know how you could apply this to your son, but if you could think of a way for him to mentor a younger child, you might have a breakthrough in this area for your stepson as well as helping a younger child.

[Marsupialmom]

I think he is at the age it is natural for their self esteme to faulter here and there. This does not mean you are a bad parent. It means he is growing. He is getting more and more aware of the outside world.