Advice needed - how can I help my 3.5 y.o. with this friendship?

[spinach]

I have a dilemma. My 3.5 y.o. daughter is feeling sad about how her friend (2 months older) is treating her. They see each other weekly at the play group we've been going to since dd was 7 m.o. This play group is filled with mamas I love, including the friend's mother. I've chatted about the problem with the mother but we're not sure what to do.

Increasingly now, the friend only accepts playing on her terms. She decides when and how the other children get to play and if they get to play at all. The friend appears to require 100% submission from the two friends with whom she interacts at play group. The friend can be unkind or charming to get what she wants. I would expect a lot of this from time to time in any almost-4 y.o. But, for many months now, this is the only kind of behavior I've seen. My dd has stood her ground to no avail. She would rather submit than not play. Because the girl was my dd's first friend, the relationship is very dear to my dd. However, I doubt she would tolerate this behavior if she enountered it with someone she had just met at a park. My daughter explains simply that she wants the relationship to continue despite her expressed sadness over the mistreatment from her friend.

My dd has friends from different walks of life (neighborhood, preschool, relatives, etc.). I've witnessed spats or struggles with her other friends and haven't been concerned about one person being ill-treated or a huge imbalance between her and another. I would place my dd somewhere in the middle on the submissive/dominant continuum.

The friend's only socialization, according to her mother, is our weekly play group and a younger sibling (2 years younger than her). The friend has told her mom that she doesn't want to be friends with my dd. She only wants to be friends with another girl at play group (a year younger, with a very mild temperment). But she does want my dd to come to her birthday party. Speaking of which, it was very hard for this friend to allow my dd to open her own birthday gifts at dd's party. My dh and I had to remind her repeatedly as she tried to open the gifts that it was dd's birthday and her gifts to open. The friend seemed to be very challenged by this.

When I brought the play group dilemma up with the friend's mother, she said it was news to her. As such, her dd's dominating behavior has gone on without comment thus far at play group.

What should I/we do?

[SagMom]

I would stay out of it. Definately still be there to support my dd, listen to her if she needs to talk about it, etc., suggest that maybe she play with someone else, ask if she'd rather not go to see this kid, but otherwise, I'd let it work itself out. Ultimately, dd will have to decide if the friendship is worth it or not.

I know that feeling of wanting to step in and fix everything, but sometimes you can't.

Fwiw, opening other kids' presents seems to be an issue for a lot of kids. I was still telling some kids about this at my oldest's 7th birthday party. I think they just get caught up in the excitement.

[stafl]

The friend appears to require 100% submission from the two friends with whom she interacts at play group. The friend can be unkind or charming to get what she wants. I would expect a lot of this from time to time in any almost-4 y.o.

(emphasis mine) I wouldn't expect it at all, not from a 4yo, not from an adult. I would wonder where she is learning such controlling/manipulating behavior? From your description, it goes far beyond the normal pecking order stuff kids do.
I would talk to my DD about it, ask how she feels. Tell her that if she doesn't want to play whatever game x is playing, that she doesn't have to, that it's ok for her to go play something else instead. I would tell her that friends don't treat friends badly or make them feel sad or mistreated or pushed around. I would tell her that she doesn't have to put up with being treated like that. I would tell her how much fun she is and bolster her self-esteem at every opportunity, because controlling people have a tendency to undermine our self-worth.

now, about the part I bolded... this is what concerns me the most. my DD has a really domineering friend, but she never resorts to such tactics to get her way, she just is pushy and very strongly opinionated and well, just plain bossy. When the other kids in the group don't want to go along with her (the bossy one), they go off and do their own thing, and she joins them rather than huffing off and threatening not to be their friend or whatever.

But I disagree with the PP. I would not stay out of it, not when it's bordering on emotional abuse. If it is having a big impact on your child's feelings and especially about her feelings about herself, you need to protect her and teach her how to protect herself from people like that. I would not just let them work it out between themselves, not in this case, even though that is usually my approach to most other situations with my children and their friends.

[4evermom]

I would probably skip a few play groups to give the relationship some space. I'd try to schedule other fun things involving other children instead. Maybe your dd will realize her friend isn't that much fun or maybe the friend will be less disdainful of your dd if she isn't as available.

[beanma]

i think i would try to hover around their play and when the bossy friend does something unkind i'd step in and say something to her. not anything too disciplinarian, but more along the lines of what i'd do for my own child when she was being bossy to me (which she is sometimes). i say things like, "DD1, that's telling not asking. can you say 'mommy, will you please bring me my doll'? that sounds nicer to my ears." i know you said your dd has stood up for herself, but sometimes kids pay more attention to grown-ups. it's hard to say exactly what i'd say without having a more specific scenario, but that's where i would start and i wouldn't care if the bossy friend's mom overheard me. it might make her more aware and less defensive.

hth

[Denise K]

3.5 is pretty young--I have one too--to figure out this stuff. In addtion to talking about it, I'd play with her about it. Pretend with the dolls or role play--just say "let's pretend I'm your friend," or let's pretend I'm you and you're my friend." and let her take the lead with it. She might just get a lot from having play time with someone who doesn't do this stuff--or she might like trying out being the bossy one, or having you do it.

I am impressed with how playing has helped ds with some stuff--I talk with him about many things, but sometimes play seems to get through in a whole different way. The Playful Parenting thread goes on and on and on about this approach, if you want other ideas, --the book we're going on about is Playful Parenting, by Cohen.