Want natural birth next time, but have lots of leftover issues

[eksmom]

My DD just turned 18 months old, and we're not planning to TTC for another 15 months, but something tells me I should start to deal with my feelings about childbirth. I'll try not to go on and on...

I have come a long way from the mainstream type person I was when I first got pregnant. I still have more to learn, but having DD has caused me to change how I think about a lot of things. I need to tackle how I feel about childbirth.

During my pregnancy I didn't research birth, I didn't write a birth plan, I didn't do much of anything other than attend the childbirth class at the hospital. The only thing I learned there to help with pain was how to lie on a mat in the dark and relax while listening to peaceful music. Well, easy to do when pg and exhausted, but it didn't translate to labor for me. All along I said that I'd never tested my pain tolerance (I've never broken a bone, etc.) and so I'd just wait and see how I handled it. I didn't plan for an epidural, but I didn't plan not to have one either.

Since by nature I am a researching kind of person, I should have realized that it was out of character for me not to over-inform myself about birth.

Here are some characteristics of my labor and birth:

I never had a BH ctx. When ctx finally started it was at 1:00 AM after I'd been up since about 8 AM. I ate a piece of dry toast at home sometime before going to the hospital. By the time DD was born, I had been awake for 37 hours and I had not eaten anything substantial in about 24 hours.

Ctx were 3-5 mins. apart almost immediately. I labored at home from 1 AM to 7 AM before going to the hospital.

Got to the hospital, was told to stay, and got in the tub. Pain was manageable (I realize in retrospect, thought it was kind of bad at the time) until I got out of the tub. Getting out was a huge mistake. That was at about 11 AM.

For the next 1.5 hours I was practically out of my mind with pain. I couldn't do anything to cope. I felt like I wanted to get out of my body and get away from the pain, but I couldn't. The pain enveloped my abdomen. It was like menstrual cramps x 100000. At 12:30 PM I got the epidural.

I was in bed after that, of course. I suspect I was held from pushing because the OB had to do an emergency CS. Didn't push until about 7:30. When I started pushing I couldn't feel ctx, but I could feel pain. I had a fever. There was a giant crowd of people in the room because when they had broken my water earlier in the afternoon, there was meconium staining. I felt anxious with everyone standing around waiting for me to give them the goods (or so I felt). I felt like I didn't know how to push. Turns out I created hemmy problems for myself that I am still dealing with to this day.

Eventually I started to feel the urge to push, which helped tremendously and actually seemed to decrease the pain somewhat. It was like I could work with that urge.

DD was born at 9:38 PM, APGARs of 5 and 8. I held her briefly while they aimed oxygen up her nose and then they whisked her to the NICU. Didn't see her again until 1:30 AM or so, and didn't get to nurse or hold her until the next day. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I felt totally robbed, like I'd carried this baby for nearly 40 weeks and now she was GONE. I felt like she'd been stolen from me. When we went to see her I had to ask the nurse if she was going to die - there was so much confusion and lack of info.

Obviously I don't want a repeat of this situation. Because of the meconium staining and DD's breathing problems, DH and I don't think we'd ever feel safe with a homebirth, but I am determined to do things differently in the hospital next time. What I need help with is processing my feelings... heck, validating my feelings - because I don't even know if what I experienced is normal and I am just a wimp, or if it was bad and it's okay for me to feel bad about it, or what. : Then I need to figure out what to do to make things go better next time. There's just so much that I don't know where to start. I didn't handle being a hormonal pregnant lady so well - it was like repeating junior high for me emotionally, with the crazy insecurity - so I figure I shouldn't put this off until I'm pg again.

FWIW, I am proud that I managed to fight off the evil nurse who told me I had to choose between giving DD formula or having her spend another day/night in the NICU. Turns out she didn't have formula and she didn't spend more time in NICU. She's never had a drop of formula in her sweet life, and we are still nursing. No offense to others, but it's the one thing I did that I am fiercely proud of.

Thanks for any help, resources, support, etc. you can give me. I need some closure to this and I need to know how to think about all the things that happened as part of labor and birth. Sorry this is so long... thanks for reading.

[stafl]

I would recommend you first get a copy of your hospital records. Read them and understand what's written in them. Talk with your care provider about any quesitons you might have about it. That, for me, was the first step in dealing with the trauma of my first DD's birth. It was also an eye-opener because there were things in there I was not aware of, things they did to me that I did not give consent for, lots of things I was not told, and some things I was lied to about.

Yes, your feelings are valid!! You have every right in the world to feel however you feel about it! Give yourself permission to greive the loss of the birth you thought you would have. Cry, scream, get angry, let it all out, whatever works for you. It's ok. It's not your fault. And you don't have to be happy about how your baby came into the world. Don't believe anyone who says all that matters is that you have a healthy baby, because your feelings count, too! A baby won't stay healthy without a happy, healthy mommy. Take care of yourself, physically and emotionally.

There is nothing in the world you can do to change what has already happened. Just use this as an opportunity to educate yourself so that it won't happen again. Figure out exactly what your ideal birth would be, and make it happen. You CAN do it!

[natashaccat]

Your feelings sound somewhat similiar to how I felt about my birth almost three yrs ago. I went in to labor educated with only mainstream info and made choices that I wouldn't have had I known better.

I allowed interventions, sort of feeling/half knowing that they might complicate my labor but not really understanding what the risks were. It never even occured to me people might be making descisions about my labor and delivery that had nothing to do with ensuring the health and safety of my baby and I.

My baby was born with pneumonia and I've internalized tons of guilt about this and spent the first seven months of this pg cycling through that guilt. I discussed this with my MW and she hooked my up with a chiropracter who specializes in childbirth mind/body preparation. I cannot tell you how much this has helped to bring me peace! .

So basically what I'm saying is that you shouldn't hesitate to bring in the big guns (therapist (hopefully familiar with birth issues), a chat session with and experienced doula, or midwife, whatever...) if you feel that you are in an anxiety cycle that you can't seem to bring yourself out of.

[Angierae]

I had a very similar 1st birth experience. And my baby ended up in the NICU on atibiotics and formula for no medically appropriate reasons. (She was 10lbs, there was meconium, I and she had fevers, but she was healthy.) It was so traumatic.

However, having a successful natural birth the second time has completely changed me. It was the best choice I ever made. My second daughter was born peacefully at home with no complications. The experience was liberating for me and much less painful overall than everything I experienced in the hospital with the epidural.

I had to really talk and talk and talk about how much the first birth left me feeling imcomplete before I was ready to be honest with myself and decide how to approach the second one. We moved from hospital to birth center to home birth during the process. Every step happened at the appropriate time.

Try to remember that every brith happens in a different way. (NOTHING was the same for em 2nd time around!) And that you are right to want a great experience. I feel fortunate I was able to have one, and I beleive it is possible for most people to feel positive about their birth. For me, I knew that I prepared enough to feel at peace with any eventuality--something I hadn't done the first time.

Give yourself time. Don't beat yourself up. Any woman who gives birth in any way is in my mind a hero.

[seven_lux]

I would just urge you to actually do research this time around. You have plenty of time, since you aren't pg yet.

The meconium issue is debatable. Were those apgars her first or second scores (they are done twice I think?). I hear of lots of babies being overtreated for "issues" with breathing and stuff...
I wasn't there, maybe they were all necessary. Only you can find that out.

Don't just leave it to chance this time.
You deserve the best birth you're willing to give yourself.
That doesn't sound right exactly, I'm not articulating well, because I know that we don't have control over the entire birth process, but we can and do influence it in almost every way.

Be proud of yourself, you should be for so many reasons.

[eksmom]

Thanks to everyone for their responses. A couple replies:

Stacy - that's a great suggestion to get my hospital records. I think I will request both mine and Emma Kate's. We are in a different city & state now, but I think it will still be eye-opening. Ironically I now work in healthcare as a statistician, so I probably have the resources to figure out things I don't understand. I did request a detailed bill for Emma Kate when we were getting everything paid after her birth, and that alone was disturbing to me at the time (i.e. seeing the itemized list of the tubes they used on her, everything that went into her IV, maybe even the little hammers they beat her back with right after she came into the world ).

Haylee - On the APGAR scores, I believe the 5 was her 1-minute and the 8 was her 5-minute. We stupidly didn't realize it when she came out, but she was very, very pale. I feel pretty sure that she would have gotten a 0 for the appearance part at 1 minute. The other "deductions" were related to respiration, I guess... but I don't know for sure. I just know I delivered her head and stopped pushing, the OB suctioned her (I've learned a lot about suctioning since), then said frantically that it wasn't working and we had to get her out. She didn't cry for what seemed like a long time and they intubated her on the cart just after she was delivered. When we saw her 4 hours after her birth she was in an oxygen hood (lying in bassinet w/ her head in a plastic box) on 100% oxygen. She was on a nasal cannula by morning.

The docs were very wishy-washy about the whole meconium thing, though. They finally said if they had to call it something they'd call it a mild to moderate case of meconium aspiration. But I *think* they said that they never saw any direct evidence. It was kind of like, "Something was wrong with her breathing, and there was meconium in the water, so we'll call it meconium aspiration." I just can't remember, it's really gotten fuzzy over time.

Angie and Simone - I think it's true that I just need to talk, to be able to ask questions of somebody who knows enough about birth to sort of help me "categorize" what happened to me/us. I have so many lingering questions that no one I know can answer. For example, when we went to the NICU for that first visit, we tried to stroke Emma Kate's skin and were told that it was upsetting her, that she'd been through so much that she couldn't take even that amount of stimulation. We were told we could touch her but couldn't move our fingers. Contrast this with the next night, when I went in to nurse her and ended up staying a long time holding her skin to skin. I don't think it's any coincidence that the next morning she was doing way better and released from the NICU later that day. I mean, geez, up until then, her welcome to the world mainly consisted of being roughed up, intubated, and then left alone in a plastic bed covered in wires and listening to random beeping noises (I was coming in to nurse her every three hours but I was not encouraged to stay long or do much more than nurse, and I didn't know enough to insist). But those are just my personal beliefs, and I feel like I need some validiation in them so that I can gain confidence for dealing w/ the medical establishment the next time around.

I think I need to start a list of books on birth to read (right after I finish reading the ones on my vaccination list!). Any suggestions?

Thanks again.

[JanetF]

Hi and I'm sorry for your experience. Please come and join us in the birth trauma group that I run so lots of other women can send you hugs too

It took me quite a while to get to grips with how traumatised am I by what happened to me - transfer to hospital from hb and the hospital didn't "approve". Talking, writing, venting, reading, art work and lots of crying have all helped me. I had massive PTSD and then clinical depression and I became suicidal and people still told me I was lucky because I'd got a healthy baby. Oh yeah, like so long as the hospital doesn't kill you, you should be grateful???

I wish you all love and light on your healing journey. It's really hard work but it enhances every part of your life and parenting.