Let's share ways to connect

[kathywiehl]

Can we all share what we have done this week to connect with our preteens and teens? I need some ideas. I've been reaching out to dd all week but all she wants to do is talk on the phone to her friends. I guess it's normal but our relationship is horrible to begin with and I feel like we need to get back on track.

Any ideas? I'm especially interested in mother/daughter type stuff that I can do with her that doesn't involve spending tons of money. My dd's idea of bonding time is shopping at the mall and buying whatever she wants.

[PajamaMama]

This morning we went to the grocery store with a recipe she picked out (easy-stuffed shells) and bought the ingredients for it. I let her look at prices of different brands so we could figure out what to buy. We talked about price vs quality too, and how cheapest is not always best (nor is most expensive!)

She is at an art class for homeschoolers right now, but when she is done at 3 we are going to make the recipe. I am going to let her do everything she can...I only really expect to have to help with the knifework (onions and bell pepper) and the cleanup.

Maybe your daughter can pick out a recipe she wants to try and you could do the same thing together? My daughter is not a big chef, but she loves "projects". Maybe if you introduce the idea to her as a project, she'll be more excited about doing it.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by kathywiehl

Any ideas? I'm especially interested in mother/daughter type stuff that I can do with her that doesn't involve spending tons of money.

Dd and I went ice skating this week, and we went on several walks around the neighborhood. Mostly, our mother/daughter stuff comes in short (15/20 min.) unplanned intervals throughout the day though--we'll talk over folding clothes, or grooming the dog--'fraid that's not terribly exciting, but it IS free.

[Dar]

I think Joan has the right idea... it's not really what you do, but the fact that you're together, just hanging out. Rain and I end up talking a lot in the car, and while walking the dogs, and sometimes we're both folding laundry or something. Oh, and she gives me pedicures sometimes, she had a fancy kit. Sometimes we go for coffee, or go bvowling at the student union (very cheap, plus since we're with lots of college students it's cool). It's all really low-key, though...

I was doing errands today, and because it's spring break here a lot of parents were out with their kids. The happiest-looking groups were talking together about what was going on, or about movies, or about the kid's soccer team. Also, the kids were often involved it whatever the task was. I saw a 2 yr old slowly pushing a shopping cart, a 10ish yr old bringing over a bunch of banas and asking if those looked ripe enough, and a little boy (maybe 6) running down the aisle shouting, "I see the bread! I got the bread!"

Then there were families where the parents only talked to the kids to tell them what to do: "Get out of the lady's way" or "Go sit on that chair there and wait." It didn't feel like the family was off doing something together; it felt like the parent was shopping and the kid was not a part of it at all, like he shouldn't have been there but since he was, he should just be quiet and stay out of the way.

I know this is sort of off the subject, but it seems like the easiest way to keep communication open with preteens and teens is to *do* something together, and maybe doing this with younger kids is the easiest way to get this pattern going, and keep it going...

Dar

[UUMom]

That is just so true, Dar. I see parents giving orders all the time-- as if that is communication, or the basis for repsectful, loving relationships. People yelling at their kids to 'Get over here!" when they are two feet away, for instance. That's the heart of it, imo. Why don't most folks talk *with* their little ones?

Anyway. My 16 yr old is very funny and insightful. I always ask him what he thinks of certain things- articles I've read, movies we've seen etc. He gives me books to read, and and vice versa. He and his dad both love baseball and music and listen to jazz together and discuss music stuff. they both have the saem weird sense of humor. I am not so great about that jazz or Red Sox stuff. lol Our conversations are more about politics & philosophy. (No, seriously).

My 12 yr old daugher and I love to snuggle up and read books, or listen to books on tape as we knit. We also like to watch movies in my bed together. Since she is hs'd along w/ her little sister, we are pretty much always together. I try to make sure she has her space, but we do all errands together-- market, library etc, so we have a lot of chance to just chat, or just be quiet together. I really enjoy her a lot. I love that she she loves Calvin & Hobbes, that she wants to talk about life things, and that she says she loves hsing. Sometimes i worry that it will all go away when she gets older, but I am not sure what make that happen.

We eat together as a family nearly every night & check in w/each other. We do good thing/bad thing, but people don't have to contribute if they don't want to. I try to serve food we all like and keep it relaxed.

I am trying to enjoy my children, listen to them, respect them , give them space for their bodies and their ideas.

[yaM yaM]

I find that just listening with a sincere interest is enough to get my ten y/o dd talking about everything in her world. Plus, it's nice to hear because it brings back memories of my own childhood, which my dd enjoys hearing the stories of. That helps her to feel validated, too -- when she hears that I had similar feelings and experiences as a young girl.

We take hikes together, regularly, and what I like to do is take it slow so as to notice the little flowers, the clouds rolling by and their shadows, and all the other little effects of nature. Doing this together really grounds us both, and it helps maintain the wonder of life. Somehow it's very bonding for us, too.

[SabrinaJL]

With my 17 yo bro, it seems to be easier for him to talk if we aren't face to face. So we'll go grab a McFlurry and drive around or he'll ask me to go for a walk with him.

With DD (11) she likes to snuggle up in the hammock together with a book, ride bikes or play games (board and video).

[yaM yaM]

Originally Posted by SabrinaJL

With my 17 yo bro, it seems to be easier for him to talk if we aren't face to face. So we'll go grab a McFlurry and drive around or he'll ask me to go for a walk with him.

That is something I've read in books about boys, and tried it with my stepson -- it really works. I once read a book by a coach of a boys team of some sort (sorry, forgot the name...) and he talked about how, when he needed to have an intimate chat with any of the boys, he would go for a long walk with them. The idea was that they were physically moving as well as not making any eye contact. I can see that works well for boys of all ages, in my experience.

Girls are just the opposite, though!

[UUMom]

I agree with doing as you talk. I think that works really well for a lot of people, not just boys. I find we have the best conversations in the kitchen during kneading, chopping or eating food we've prepared together. I think the warmth of the kitchen, the good smells and the feeling of being productive contribute to good conversation. Talk is so flow-y around the hearth here.

[yaM yaM]

Oh yeah!

I also love to sing with my dd (10) and ds (4.5), all of us together. It doesn't matter what song it is, either.... I'm not picky!

[stayinghome]

We go and get cups of coffee or hot chocolate. Cheap, and we sit and talk. Also we've gone on drives to talk about stuff. Bedtime too- I'll go and sit on her bed and she just starts to talk about everything...

[3girls1boy]

My 7th grader's school starts 45 minutes later than her younger sisters' school. We started walking together to school (with her 4 year old brother in the stroller) when the weather is decent. We started in the fall when the weather was nice and I wondered how long we would last. I'm proud to say, that unless it is rainy or snowy or too much snow and ice on the ground (or ocassionally, my son wasn't awake yet) , we got out there if it was over 30 degrees. Now that it is warming up, it's so much nicer.

A lot of the time, we don't talk much, but it's just nice to be together.

It takes us 45 minutes and it is 2 miles each way and now that we've been doing it for a while, it seems pretty easy. Nice to get in some exercise too.

[mpeel]

Staying connected to my children and them attached to me is very important for me. Have you read Hold On To Your Kids by Neufeld and Mate. It is not available in the US yet but you can buy it through chapters.ca. It disusses the importance of seeing the bigger picture when you handle everything from everyday annoyances to big stuff. The bigger picture is your children's attachments and who they are to. I have found that being involved, being the one to pick them up from school, taking them to school, saying no to some playdates with questionable children is helping us stay connected. The books gives suggestions too.