anticipationFirst, the anticipation of writing, sharing with you other seeking mamas.
Now that Isaiah is 12 weeks old, I think of how I anticipated him and could not possibly imagine the realness of his being. I tried to be present with our pregnancy. I loved nearly every moment of it. I loved being treated like a queen by friends, family and strangers. I loved letting my belly stick out and feeling like that was what it was supposed to do rather than something I needed to minimize or hide. I loved having something to focus on, a higher purpose as I weaved through my busy days. My beloved dog, Belly, and I would go on long walks and I would now sing to her and the being inside me.
Isaiah was conceived while I had a cold between two yoga workshop weekends. The weekend before he was conceived, I spent the weekend doing anusara yoga with John Friend, its charismatic originator. I was in San Francisco, my former hometown, and I thrilled at the invigorating yoga as well as running around with dear friends and shopping for things I couldn't get in the rural town in which I now live--wine, clothes and cds. After buying 4 skirts, 2 pairs of pants, and a couple of shirts, I knew I'd get pregnant and grow out of them quickly. Sure enough, my husband and I connected on tax day while I had a cold and felt decidedly unromantic but pretty certain the time was ripe. A couple of days later, I attended a meditation workshop in Ashland which focused on opening the heart. I felt so good during these times, even with the cold. I felt alive, open, optimistic. At 37, after years of yearning for a baby without even knowing why, I felt myself letting go of the stress of striving and discovering an equinimity in just being.
Just a couple of weeks later, the test was positive and we were off and running into the marvelous adventure of parenthood.
My two goals for the year of 2004 were to get pregnant and to dance in our community samba parade. With Isaiah in my belly, I learned to dance and mastered the moves all summer long. We shared the experience, two dancing bodies in one. I thought learning the rhythms would help him as he came into his own body. More important, I had so much fun! I loved being the pregnant dancer in the parade, the one people noticed as being the cute, pregnant dancer. My full belly helped me feel more confident in my dancing; for one of the first times in my life, I felt like I was good enough as exactly as I was and that I didn't need to fit my idea of a "great dancer." for the most part, pregnancy helped liberate me from my ideas of what I should get done in a day, how I should feel, how I should look, how much weight I should gain and allowed me to surrender to the shape of the day. What preparation for motherhood! The art of surrender.
I was aware during pregnancy that I couldn't possibly anticipate motherhood. I haven't spent a lot of time with babies and didn't feel confident in my parenting skills, but I also trusted that some instinct would kick in. This experience of having Isaiah is unanticipable. How could I know the tenderness of watching him learning to smile, giggle in his sleep, knit his hands together, light up when he sees me.
I have to go now, but I want to add more on this subject.