...then when you say ACK, that's too much to read....
Kefir Grains are small, rubbery looking 'masses' that are made from a synergistic relationship of 'good' bacteria' and 'good' yeasts, that live together and when given a supply of milk to drink and 'culture' into a thin, yogurty like drink, with 'fizz', can live forever, if taken care of.
There is some question as to how they 'came about'. But Kefir has been around since the 'bibilical days' or longer...
Usually you have to contact someone with 'spare' grains, as they grow and reproduce and you will have a 'continual' and growing supply if they are cared for properly. There are TONS of mom's on here that have them and if you PM me, I have an abundant supply atm. Usually you just need to pay shipping and handling. There are sites where you can order them, but you will pay alot of $$ usually for them, compared to $3.85 to $5.00 for two day shipping, to ensure they arrive 'fresh'. (I charge $5.00 flat fee, to cover baggies, printing (I send a LARGE info insert with them), and two day air.
You just need (suggested organic) milk to keep them happy. Then you will have 'cultured' kefir. You can also 'drain' the extra whey out of it, and make a 'cream cheese' food with it that is super yummy, and cultured, unlike most store 'cream cheese'.
If you like, you can find 'Kefir starter' packets at your local health food store. However, it's just the powdered bacteria taken from commercially grown 'Kefir'. It will make up a batch, and you can use it to culture milk for 5 more times, but then you need to buy another more. So it you want to 'test' it first, you might want to try that.
Hope that helps!