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"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn - Page 3

post #41 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by sagira
I read a book how men have to retreat to regulate their emotions and feel better.
Could you tell me more about this book?
Thanks
post #42 of 151
Ooooh! I'm really excited to have found this thread and to read this book! It's on hold for me at the bookstore, just have to wait for the next paycheck to hit the bank.

Meanwhile, can you give me a hint about how an "unconditional parent" might handle daily, preditable battles we have over things like wearing pants, taking baths, and sleep? I realize that Kohn is an antibehaviorist, and from the sounds of the comments here he advocates focusing on the person and not the behavior. But sometimes, as parents, we frankly are kind of dependent upon certain behavior, no?

For example, our youngest has pretty serious skin issues and it is my sincere belief that her itchy skin benefits a great deal from daily soaks in the tub -- something we struggle over every night. I'm so weary of these kinds of daily struggles. Funny thing is, once she's in the tub, she's pretty content to stay and play a while. I'd like to reframe the whole thing to help us get out of "battle" mode. Of course, this is results- oriented thinking, isn't it?

Am I totally lost, here? Does Kohn imply that parents should refrain from wanting to control ANYTHING about the lives of their children?! Sheesh. That would be a mighty tall order. Anyone who has already read the book have any insights to share? I'm really intrigued.
post #43 of 151
I have Punished by Rewards ordered and now you all have talked me into ordering UP'ing too! :LOL
post #44 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohmtaretu
Ooooh! I'm really excited to have found this thread and to read this book! It's on hold for me at the bookstore, just have to wait for the next paycheck to hit the bank.

Meanwhile, can you give me a hint about how an "unconditional parent" might handle daily, preditable battles we have over things like wearing pants, taking baths, and sleep? I realize that Kohn is an antibehaviorist, and from the sounds of the comments here he advocates focusing on the person and not the behavior. But sometimes, as parents, we frankly are kind of dependent upon certain behavior, no?

For example, our youngest has pretty serious skin issues and it is my sincere belief that her itchy skin benefits a great deal from daily soaks in the tub -- something we struggle over every night. I'm so weary of these kinds of daily struggles. Funny thing is, once she's in the tub, she's pretty content to stay and play a while. I'd like to reframe the whole thing to help us get out of "battle" mode. Of course, this is results- oriented thinking, isn't it?

Am I totally lost, here? Does Kohn imply that parents should refrain from wanting to control ANYTHING about the lives of their children?! Sheesh. That would be a mighty tall order. Anyone who has already read the book have any insights to share? I'm really intrigued.
Mr. Kohn isn't against all control- just unnecessary control. He also is all about working with kids to come up with solutions. I'm not sure if your dd is old enough to help generate ideas about the bath or verbalize what her issues are with getting into the bath.

If she's too young to talk about things, you might just try to diffuse the situation by taking the emphasis off compliance. You could try letting her not bathe, or try running the bath and going into the bathroom yourself to hang out - kids tend to go where the momma is, or you could get in the bath first to entice her. You could ask if she wants to use bubble bath or food coloring for the bath (Not really U.P. based but these are things we've done.)

I think the idea is to get away from using coercion and towards finding common ground and a way to solve problems together.
post #45 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyofshmoo
Mr. Kohn isn't against all control- just unnecessary control. He also is all about working with kids to come up with solutions.
I am loving this Mr. Kohn already! :LOL
post #46 of 151
His book Punished by Rewards was one of the major influences on me taking my 10 year old out of public school and unschooling him.

I'm really glad to read he's got a book saying

"-let go of the belief that I can control my children's behavior.
-let go of the belief that I should control my children's behavior
-let go of the belief that if I'm a good mother, if I'm using the right techniques, my kids will not misbehave
-let go of the need or desire to have other people think I'm a good mother, to let go of caring what other adults think
-let go of the word "misbehavior", of the idea that kids do things we don't like out of choice and to test limits "


this is my major life problem (co-dependents are controllers!)

I want to control people places and things...especially my kids.

Taking another deep breath. You have NO IDEA how glad I am this thread exists and that there are other parents discussing these things here.

Abby
post #47 of 151
I got it, am reading it and liking it. He has a repetitive quality to his writing/point-making that is sometimes comforting, sometimes annoying (in Punished by Rewards, too).

But he's kinda preaching to the choir with me (not that I am perfect, but these are my parenting goals, for the most part, already). Where does he tell you in the book how to get your DH to read it?

L.
post #48 of 151
I have been reading a library of books on parenting lately, and I have to say that UP is incredible. It is opening my eyes and reframing my thinking of how to be with my kids. Everytime I sit down to read and my husband walks by, I say "You gotta read this book." Hopefully I'll convince him to do that.

I don't know what about his philosophy would be considered not AP . . . the whole point of the book is to create/maintain a strong (and respectful) relationship with your child. If that's not AP, I don't know what is!

Another wonderful book along this same thinking is "The Natural Child" by Jan Hunt. It's an easy read, a collection of articles she's written, and it's the same premise of treating your child with respect--treating him/her the way you'd want to be treated. I read that first, then started UP. Kohn's book is more explicit, with more info about why conditional parenting is not best for our kids and what unconditional parenting looks like.

I'm thrilled to find this thread . . . and the whole forum. This is my first foray into the forum . . . what a great find: a community of people with similar views of childrearing. We need this, especially when we go against the "norms" of society. Wouldn't it be amazing if UP thinking became the norm someday? I can dream of that for my kids . . .
post #49 of 151
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leatherette
Where does he tell you in the book how to get your DH to read it?
I just do what I always do when I want DH to read something. I put it in the bathroom.

DH is usually pretty good about reading a least excerpts from parenting books I recommend. DS is at a very colorful age right now so I think he was looking for some comfort too, so the book was well timed in that regard. He read a few lines and was sucked in, as was I. Difficult not to be. Needless to say, our copy spent a lot of time in the bathroom, but hey, however it gets done... indeed, pick my battles.

The best,
Em
post #50 of 151
Just poking my head out of the book for a minute to say I'm now reading it.
Wow.



Wow.



So much to consider.

I am very much interested in keeping up the dialogue. I also would like to either keep this thread alive or start a new UP support thread. This book has already helped me be aware of many deep-seeded things I'd like to change about my parenting... and I'm only on chapter 2.
post #51 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohmtaretu
This book has already helped me be aware of many deep-seeded things I'd like to change about my parenting... and I'm only on chapter 2.
Yea, I know what you mean. And I find myself thinking about what I do, what i might see others do and then get all tripped up thinking how my parents did it. I find it very provocative, but I am finding it difficult to read much at a stretch. Course, I don't often get the chance, but maybe it will stick with me better if I don't zoom through it.

Definitely lots to discuss once we are all done with it!
post #52 of 151
Still following. And this book is the next one I will purchase. Hey-does anyone know where I can get it cheap? I think at my B&N it was around $23. And we're on a budget, so this wouldn't fly right now...This is definitely one I'd like to own, not borrow from the library.
post #53 of 151
check out half.com and i think both amazon and b&n sell used books (search for the book and if anyone is selling it used you will see a link).

nak
post #54 of 151
Thanks, moonshine. Pre-budgetary restrictions, I used to order from Amazon fairly frequently. I'll check them out for this one.
post #55 of 151
HE IS ON THE DIANE REHM SHOW TODAY (NPR)

In washington dc it is on NOW and will repeat tonight.

TUNE IT, he ROCKS!
post #56 of 151
Now that I can type more ... I ordered mine used from amazon for about $8, so maybe $11 with shipping. Took about a week to get here. I always checked used first. You can usually find a deal and it supports reusing things, which I try hard to do.
post #57 of 151
At the end of the show he said he has a web forum to exchange GD idas and get input from the author.

http://www.unconditionalparenting.com
post #58 of 151
I picked up the book yesterday, and I have to say that it has already made a HUGE difference in my relationship with Toren. Absolutely nothing about how I feel about her has changed -- the "love" feelings I have toward her haven't changed a bit -- but I'm certain her perception of how I feel about her has changed dramatically.

That she can sense the changes and is appreciative is totally PALPABLE. Remember my earlier post with the question about the bath battle? Well, guess what has magically disappeared! The bath battle! Two nights in a row, no battles.

This book is thus far hands-down the one that has made the biggest impact on my parenting.

Maybe folks who like this approach should consider using the acronym UP instead of AP. UP implies so much more. No time-outs, no "good job", and an attempt to curb all unnecessary controlling behaviors. I definitely wanna hang with parents like that!

Thanks for that info/link, boatbaby. I'm going to check it out now.
post #59 of 151
WOW, finally a group that understands me :LOL I did not read "Unconditional parenting" but stuff you are saying were written at this website

http://www.awareparenting.com/twenty.htm The twenty alternatives to punishment. SHE does NOT punish bad behavior AND does NOT like praising for good behavior.

I have been looking for someone like Dr. Althea Solter. I have started reading "REAL" child psychology books like "Winnicott on the Child" to better understand what child goes through from separation (the reason for the terrible twos stage), all under the guidance of my psychotherapist husband and his recommendation. ALL that psycho concepts are mind blowing that I need a translator :LOL

My husband always says there is a reason why a child "misbehaves" and we must always try to figure out why instead of punishing, which we do all the time.

I need to read this book
post #60 of 151
This may be a post for the UP section yet to be formed, but....


One of my big problems is that I feel like people expect me to regulate dd's moods as part of discipline. Like, in addition to not damaging things and not throwing tantrums, she's supposed to be outgoing, accommodating and loving all the time.

I find it exhausting. I simply cannot make my kid want to kiss daddy or talk on the phone with grandma. How did displays of affection and a happy mood become "behavior" or "discipline" issues?

My dd hates feeling pressured to do things and is kinda introverted sometimes. When pushed to be affectionate against her will she often gets angry/acts out/whatever. Then it becomes an "issue" that I'm supposed to "deal" with.

Any ideas/thoughts. Telling people to back the (%*$! off doens't feel like a good option. (That's pretty much what dd does anyway )
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