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"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn - Page 5

post #81 of 151
I'm currently number two on the waiting list at the library... they didn't actually have the book yet, though, last time I checked -it was "in the process of being acquired".

I did listen to the NPR program on real audio, though (and I didn't see him as blowing off the woman with the problem in the classroom so much as ackowledging that there wasn't a 20 second solution sometimes, which is true).

I want to read it mostly because it seems that it will validate what I do already, and perhaps give me some research to back it up, and I'm sure I'll learn something new. I will let you know what I think, though...

Dar
post #82 of 151
Quote:
and I'm sure I'll learn something new
I was thinking so too, but the subtitle throws me for a loop. Anyway, I can't get it till I move from here in August, so you've got plenty of time to write your book review!
post #83 of 151
This book and Playful Parenting are the books that have most supported me in my parenting. The rewards thing in neither here nor there to me. If my kid asked me to institute some sort of rewards system, I'd cooperate with her on it, but it's hard to imagine how it would be more useful or fun than the way we interact now.

I'm not able to say why this book touched me as much as it did. But it has encouraged me to show my warmth more in my interactions with the kids. My older dd (4.5) has been very hurt by an awful neighborhood situation, and in the past few days I've really been able to communicate just how much I care about her and how she feels. This in spite of the fact that her hurt, sadness and anger are expressed once a day by slapping me in my face (if she can reach it) and pinching my left arm so hard it bruised. I've been able to stay in it with her, while taking care of myself. It's been a gift watching her "get it" that my love is constant.

Laurence Cohen talks about when your kid is a "leaky cup" when all the love and attention leaks out. I feel like somehow reading Unconditional Parenting helped me interact in a way that she could plug the holes in her cup.

I'm still really sitting with it, and I would recommend it to anyone who is looking for thoughts to improve their relationship with their kids rather than getting them to "exhibit" any particular "behavior."
post #84 of 151
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dar
I want to read it mostly because it seems that it will validate what I do already...
Dar, from all the posts I've read of yours, I can say very sincerely that yes, this book will do that for you. From the moment I entered MDC, I've always appreciated what you've had to say and frankly, I've even stalked you from time to time... "what would Dar have to say about that?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by chfriend
This book and Playful Parenting are the books that have most supported me in my parenting.
Indeed, these two books make up my "parenting reference library." Oh, and with regard to the above, whatever Dar might have to say.

The best,
Em
post #85 of 151
I have started a yahoo mailing list for those wanting to work with the principles from the UP. (and haven't found the UP message boards helpful)

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnconditionalParenting/

Samantha
post #86 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by iridium
I have started a yahoo mailing list for those wanting to work with the principles from the UP. (and haven't found the UP message boards helpful)

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnconditionalParenting/

Samantha

Just what I need, to be on one more mailing group.
post #87 of 151
Hey I just bought the book the other day on the recommendation of this thread! And it is so awesome I can't even express it properly.

I am on chapter three now, and after reading JUST the intro and chapt 1 I feel like it changed my whole relationship with my ds . Crazy. It's the parenting book I've been waiting for...so I'm into the discussion!

I really like the point that you deal with the issue in the moment and then move on, not keep on bringing it up/punishing for the rest of the day or whatever. We already do this, but my evil upbringing puts the doubts in the back of my head, "you are just going to forget about it? he should be punished!" and so it's really great to hear someone validate what we are doing in that respect.
post #88 of 151
Has the discussion moved to the Yahoo group? I also am not wanting to join another group, but I want to stay with the discussion!

Ive got the book from the library, and it is big stuff. Working through it now.
post #89 of 151
not sure, i just applied to join so i'll let you know (sorry nak)
post #90 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by pamelamama
Has the discussion moved to the Yahoo group? I also am not wanting to join another group, but I want to stay with the discussion!

Ive got the book from the library, and it is big stuff. Working through it now.
It doesn't have to. You can join the list or not. Kohn created a message board for the book too.

UP boards are here: http://unconditionalparentingboard.com/eve/

I created the email list because I really don't like message boards much and the UP board above got overrun with the TCSers. The UP board has been modified recently so It might be more supportive now.

There are 24 members on the UP list I created and some discussion so far. I think it will be valuable to have a list for focusing UP and other things that help too.

Samantha
Unconditional Parenting list owner on yahoo.
post #91 of 151
Thank you for starting the group! I just sent in my request to join.

What's a "TCSer"?

Since I'm not part of that group, there were just a few things I had to share and here's the best place for it for now. =)

For the mommy with the older toddler picking on her baby...
I agree that minute control is not needed and indeed bad; but when it comes to the safety of a baby, I think a mom has the right to use her control a bit more. How about "The baby doesn't like that (focusing on the effects of the action); you look angry (empethy), why don't we go read a book together while I nurse the baby? (giving loving attention)" Hopefully in a more cohesive statement. =)

I was just angry with my little guy and yelled. He was so sad, and as I picked him up to take him to bed to nurse for his nap (he was tired, which is why he was being annoying), he puckered up so I could get a kiss from him. I thought, "He knows I can't be mad at him when he kisses me... he's manipulating me!" Then I thought, "He's using positive reinforcements - but when someone smaller than you does it, it's manipulation." It made me think of the people who claim that a baby who smiles for you to pick him up is "wrapping you around his little finger" and then again at the concept that toddlers really can manipluate, especially each other. "If you don't give me that toy, I won't invite you to my birthday party!" On the radio, I heard of a study from BYU that said girls as young as *3* manipluate to get their way. Well, if parents rely on "positive reinforcements," what has the child learned?

My thoughts today aren't as well worded as I would have liked, but hopefully you get the point. =)
post #92 of 151
Wow, that statement about how you feel about your kids not mattering as much as how they experience you really zinged me. I mean, I know that, but it all just gets away from me sometimes, and I'm not sure what to do when I'm SO frustrated with the situations we get ourselves in. I say "situation" because I know that my choices contribute to the circumstances that frustrate me -- it's not just ds's toddlerhood that's doing it.

Anyway, just trying to say that I've been thinking about this exact thing recently and trying to do better at it, so this thread comes at a really good time. I think I will buy the book. Thanks ladies.
post #93 of 151
I just wanted to say thank you for the thread on this book. I took a look at it yesterday and became so engrossed in it at the bookstore that I stayed for over two hours look at AK's other books.
post #94 of 151
Quote:
Originally Posted by MelissaEvans
What's a "TCSer"?

TCS is short for Taking Children Seriously:
www.takingchildrenseriously.com


Samantha
post #95 of 151
I know this is totally off topic, but what is wrong with TCS? I know very little about it and I didn't get much from scanning the site.

How is it different from UP?

I'm supposing the practice of it is what differs, but is it associated with total lack of parental invovement? I don't get it.

Thanks
post #96 of 151
The difference is that one of the core tenets of TCS is to not coerce your child - i.e., make him do anything that he actively doesn't want to do.

Some people assume that a person who isn't coercing her child - forcing him to do things - is not "involved". We see "good parenting" as involving coercion - children as autonomous beings is not a concept most people are comfortable with. TCS children often act in unconventional ways, and TCS parents don't coerce their children to make them act more "conventional" (although they would share theories about how the child's actions may affect others).

I don't think UP goes as far, but it's in the same ballpark...

Dar
post #97 of 151
Wow, I am reading this book right now, and it is incredible.

So many times in day to day life, I have seen parent/child interactions in the street or stores or restaurants and have been upset by them, but unable to articulate why I felt unease.

This book has put into words exactly why they have bothered me so much, and just what is fundamentally wrong with the dynamic expressed in those interactions.
post #98 of 151
I just got done reading this entire thread and i'm literally gathering the kids to run the bookstore. I need something right now and I really hope this is it. I have all these parenting goals, long term, in my heart but my day to day actions are so far off from what i'm trying to achieve/teach/impart. Its like i planned a trip to miami and somehow ended up in the north pole And even though i know my loving feelings towards my kids, i dont think i portray them very well simply out of my day to day power stuggles with them. I spend way too much time trying to figure out how to "make" them do something they dont want to, when i would rather be focusing on teaching how to take responsibility for our actions (if you threw all of your clothes out of your drawer to find your favorite shirt, then you have to put them back, kind of thing). I also hope dh will read it even though he's never read a book i've suggested.
I see that a lot of you reading have younger children....do you think this will be helpful for me since i have school age children? Even if i've strayed way off the course of my parenting ideals and my household is in need of emergency action?
post #99 of 151
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by gaiamom
I see that a lot of you reading have younger children....do you think this will be helpful for me since i have school age children?
Well, if you've already been to the store and have started reading then you know that YES, this is a book for all parents regardless of their kids ages. In fact, DH thinks its a book for all PEOPLE to read, regardless if they're a parent or not.

Happy reading!

Em
post #100 of 151
I'm still on the waiting list for out library's copy. I kinda burned through all my spending money for the next month or so, lol...

Anyways, just to get an "Alfie Fix" I borrowed "The Schools Our Children Deserve". WOW.

If any of you are thinking about schooling, you really really need to read this.
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