Ending playdates gracefully?

[Leatherette]

I am stumped. There is yelling, kicking, screaming, refusing to say goodbye, running away, hitting, etc. (that's my son, he's 4 and a half, and typically very well mannered at other people's houses).

I feel like I am doing all the "right" things to do - giving him advance warning of our departure, twice, sometimes thrice, reassuring him that we will have a playdate with "X" soon, validating that he is feeling sad because we are leaving, but I feel that I am ultimately left with the choice of dragging him out or "leaving without him", and I hate it.

He is much better when a friend is at our house and leaves, but does that mean we should have every play date here? Or is it better to have him practice leaving others' houses until he is used to it?

He is also better if there is a treat in the car for the way home, but that has not been my plan, it has just coincidentally happened, and I don't want to have to have a treat in the car all the time.

Any wisdom?

L.

[kiahnsmum]

I used to say that we could go over to so and so's house on one condition that when it was time to leave you would listen to mummy, then i would reassure him that it wouldnt be long until our next visit. I have to admit that there has been bribery on the odd occasion, this phase didnt last long with ds i think as he got older the he was able to grasp time frames better and so was open to 'negotiation'!

[mamaJen-Jen]

I have the same thing happen, although my problem is one of mine will start and the other continue it. No great advice here, think(hope) it is just a phase and just keep calm and reminding him of the behavior you expect and praise it when it does happen.

~Jennifer

[moondiapers]

I've always told my children that if they pitch a fit when it't time to leave I probably won't feel like taking them back for a while because I'll have to recover from my embarrassment first. And the host/ess will think twice about inviting us back. But if they are gracious to their host/ess we'll probably be invited over again soon. I remind them of this on the way to the play date, and make sure to thank them for being a gracious guest once we are in the car on the way home.

[~*max*~]

I don't think it's bad to have a special treat in the car to ease the transition. Lots of times playdates end around mealtimes, so if the child is starting to get hungry it may cause more acting out.

I think a lot of this is the age. I like the ideas of having talks about leaving ahead of time, a reminder when it is time to leave, and something to look forward to in the car or once you get home. I would also keep the good-byes short. One reminder/two minute warning. Then "OK, time to go. Let's help clean up and say thank you to ____." If ds starts getting worked up, matter of factly pick him up and go. That way he will not associate the negative behavior w/getting to stay longer.

Just the way I'd handle. I am sure you'll find something that works for your family.

[mattjule]

Originally Posted by ~*max*~

Then "OK, time to go. Let's help clean up and say thank you to ____." If ds starts getting worked up, matter of factly pick him up and go. That way he will not associate the negative behavior w/getting to stay longer.

Wouldn't this encourage a child to pitch a fit so they didn't have to help clean up? Just playing devil's advocate...

My ds has a hard time with anticipation. For instance, he has a hard time if you get him dressed first, then yourself, lots of attempts to leave the house, falling apart that he has to wait, etc. We find it better at times to be ready to leave the instant we tell him it is time to go. I know, it is weird and goes against everything "they" tell you, but it does work better. That said, we do give the 2 minute warning. I plan about 15 minutes for that. Sometimes he is ready and will happily go within 2 real time minutes, sometimes I can tell it is going to be a problem so each "minute" is more like 5 or 10. But ultimately he knows that after the one minute warning, we are going to leave. He rarely fights it.

My mom gives my niece a "three last things" warning. When they are at the park, she gets to do three last things-slide down the slide, climb a ladder, swing for 2 minutes. I think it helps my niece feel like she has some control over the situation and my mom feels like she can get through that quicker than a final countdown. :LOL

I think consistency is the key, I have a friend who tells her child it is time to go but then she chats for another 20 minutes, then tells him again, then nurses the baby, then tells him to get his shoes, then talks for another 10 minutes. When they finally HAVE to go, her son tends to pitch a fit and she usually has to struggle him into his shoes, etc. with lots of crying and screaming. I don't think she realizes that she does it, that her son can't depend on what she says to happen in a time frame that is appropriate for a child. I feel like he has forgotten all about it by the time she brings it up again or finally gets proactive, then he has no preparation time to deal with it, yk? I don't know what kind of a time frame you set for yourself when leaving, but maybe you are dragging it out too long or leaving the initiative to get ready to go up to him? I find it helps my ds to put on his shoes at the 2 minute warning, then let him play a little but he has that physical reminder that we are getting ready to go. Ok, I am officially babbling. I hope you find an answer. It sucks to be the parent of the fit-throwing kid, especially when you are doing everything "right". (I am the parent of the aggressive kid...)

[LunaMom]

I went through this, too. My DD would throw a fit, sometimes even run away from me in the friend's house. It was embarrassing as heck, especially when I didn't know the hosting mom well and she needed to be somewhere!

The following things helped, though nothing made it perfect:

- having something to look forward to - so often if there was something I needed to buy for her I would purposely wait until a playdate so I could say, "When we leave so-and-so's house we will go get those ladybug rainboots," and then I had the added bonus of using the store's closing time as an incentive, "Ooh, we need to hurry before the store closes!!!" Once she was older and went to playdates without me, I would have something in the car - "I got something for you today, and it's in the car!" I know it sounds like bribery, but they were always things I was getting anyway, I just arranged the timing to my advantage!

- explaining that making people uncomfortable makes them less likely to invite you back, and that making such a scene makes ME not want to bring her on playdates. For a while I did have more playdates at my own house. I never pointed it out to my daughter, because it was just for my own sanity.

- I never, ever let a good (or even slightly better) departure go without lots of praise. Even if she got a little worked up but then reeled it in and managed to leave without a huge meltdown, I made a point of telling her, once we were in the car, "I know you didn't want to leave so-and-so's house. It's really hard to go when you're having so much fun. And even though you started to cry at first, you stopped yourself and said thank you and goodbye and came with me to the car. I know that was very hard for you and I am proud of you!" Out of everything, this is really what worked the best.

Good luck! I know it's hard! And it does get better. DD is 6 now, and while she gives me a little bit of a hard time, it isn't much more than grumbling a bit and dawdling when she leaves a friend's house.

[~*max*~]

Originally Posted by mattjule

Wouldn't this encourage a child to pitch a fit so they didn't have to help clean up? Just playing devil's advocate...

mattjule, it doesn't sound like the boy is cleaning up right now, if he is having such a strong reaction to leaving. If my dc wouldn't clean up after a playdate at a friend's, I would try to help him to do so, if that didn't work, I would do it. Didn't know I needed to include every detail.

[oliversmum2000]

if a child gets upset when going home from playing at my house i tend to feel sorry for the child and thats about it (and if i am honest i feel a little flattered that they were having such a great time that they want to stay!)

i do believe it is a natural stage for children to go through and i think that most other mopthers understand and probably just want to help when they see a friend having a hard time removing a child from a situation.

on several occasions we have leant a toy to a friend to take home with them to make parting a little easier, maybe if you visit a close friend you could work out a system whereby you swap toys between your children when its time to go home?

to be honest i have the opposite problem right now, my son after about 20 minutes of being at a friends house will announce that he wants to go home. which i have to say is a lot morre embarassing than having a child that doesnt want to leave!

[Leatherette]

Thanks for all of the thoughtful responses. I think I agree that having something to look forward to in the car or after the playdate isn't the worst thing. I might do a little more of that for a bit so that we can have some departures that are praise-worthy, and go on from there.

I know it's a phase. The thing is, we already went through a phase of this, it stopped, and now it's back again. But this is a new friend from a new preschool, so maybe we are just having a little regression.

Thanks again,

L.

[mattjule]

Originally Posted by oliversmum2000

on several occasions we have leant a toy to a friend to take home with them to make parting a little easier, maybe if you visit a close friend you could work out a system whereby you swap toys between your children when its time to go home?

I totally forgot about this! When ds first started having playdates, we did end up taking a toy with us many times. Since it was mostly with the same family, I tried to sneak it back to their house or just make a little pile to give to them when they came over to our house. It worked really well and a lot of times they were toys that were super annoying (I still have one I tried to give back tons of times and the mom always "forgot" it here when she was leaving :LOL) so no one really minded anyway.