Aggression!

[mattjule]

I am so out of my depth. My ds is 3 yo, he has been pretty aggressive since about 2.25 yo. It isn't getting better, it is getting worse. He cut the cat's ear with scissors! What do you do when your child does something like that? I didn't yell, actually I just had this sick, scared feeling like "Am I raising a monster?" and that definitely came out in my voice when I told him "oh honey, what have you done? We don't cut Luca (the cat), that hurts Luca. We don't hurt people, Luca is a person (this has been a tough concept for him and the cat doesn't help. He is super mellow, in fact, I didn't know ds had done anything until I saw blood on his hand-I thought he cut himself. And the cat was in the same exact spot when I found him.) We cut paper. Only paper." We have been working on the paper thing for a while.

Lately he has started coming up to me and pinching or digging his fingernails into my arms, squeezing my breasts (not in an affectionate, nice way). I tell him "Don't hurt me!" and he says "But I love you" or "But I want to pinch (scratch, etc)".

He generally is good with his friends but if he has a playmate (like his cousin) that he doesn't like or has a hard time getting along with, he scratches, pushes, hits, even when she hasn't instigated anything. I don't punish him for holding his own, she can be pretty infuriating and initially he controls himself as much as can be expected from a 3 yo. But it is like once his limit is reached, it is always reached with that person. Even if he doesn't see her for 3 days, he picks up where he left off.

I am not that worried about his friendships, but about the way he is casually hurtful to me, dh and the cat. If we are nice and gentle, you can see his eyes glaze over as he stops paying attention to what we are saying. If we do timeouts, that makes him so angry and frustrated that he doesn't remember what he is there for. I don't feel like anything I do is getting to him. I think if I felt like he heard me I would be a lot less worried about his future and a lot less frustrated and angry with his present. Right now I feel like the parent of the mean kid that does nothing when their kid hurts someone. I feel like I am raising a child who doesn't make the connection that what he does hurts and doesn't seem to mind if someone else is hurting. It is really scary and I do think to myself at times "Is he going to be one of those ppl that kills ppl and everyone will be astounded and think 'but his family was so wonderful?'"

[stafl]

Have you posted in the gentle discipline forum?

I don't think punishment will work, ever. But he does definitely need some boundaries. And those boundaries need to be set in stone, no wavering, no exceptions. I realize my boundaries aren't the same as most of my friends who have boys (and I honestly do think their sons' aggressiveness is more a factor of where the boundaries are than "boys being boys"), but I can tell you what works for me with my girls:
I never, ever, ever tolerate any sort of violent behavior. Period. No play fighting, no hitting, no scratching, no pushing, no violating someone's personal space/limits. I will physically stop someone from hurting me, but will not resort to hurting them in return. Likewise, I will physically prevent my children from hurting anyone else. I will not tolerate even pretending to do another person harm in any way, shape or form. We never watch any violence on tv or movies. No super heroes, no kick the bad guys' butts cartoons, no good vs. evil stories. But that only goes for in our own house. I can't stop her from seeing things like that in others' homes, but we do talk about it at length afterwards. When she received 102 Dalmations from MIL as a gift, and was cheering the puppies as they tortured Cruella DeVille, I had a really long talk with her about how hurting others is never ok, even when that person has tried to hurt you. I didn't turn the movie off, but we sat and talked about all the things I didn't like about it. Thankfully, she hasn't asked to see it again since.

We talk about things, a lot. I always ask DD how would she feel if someone did that to her, when she has done something hurtful to me or anyone else. I always try to get her to think of how others feel, and it works. She is very sympathetic and compassionate, and isn't even four yet! I place a huge emphasis on how other people feel when she does certain things. It all ties nicely into how strongly we stress good manners in our house - somehow she relates much better to hurting people's feelings than physical pain, so I go for that aspect of things most of the time.
as far as scissors go, she does not have access to any except the plastic ones that cut only playdough. When paper needs to be cut, she asks me to do it for her. I think she is still too young to be anywhere near a sharp blade of any kind, plus it is a huge danger to her little sister (not to mention her beautiful red hair - I'd just die if she cut it off like I cut mine at her age!).

[LunaMom]

I wonder if that "need" to pinch and squeeze could be a sensory thing? I have a niece who has sensory issues and she would often touch other children and her parents in ways that seemed aggressive but it was more of a need for deep pressure. Her aprents patiently taught her about hugging too hard and made sure she had opportunities to squeeze and pound and pinch things that weren't alive - playdough, those stress-ball things, stuff like that.

I could be off base, but it just struck me. I don't know what to make of the scissors thing, though.

[mattjule]

I obviously took the scissors away and have not allowed him to have them again. Prior to that, he had done really well with them, he really loves to cut paper and he did really well only cutting paper. At the time he cut the cat's ear, he had just figured out he could cut drinking straws and was having a blast. I had been supervising and had gone to check on ds2 in another room. I have never let him run around the house unsupervised with scissors, I would own nothing intact! :LOL

I disagree with the boys vs girls thing. I really didn't believe it either, until I had a boy. My rules are not different from my friends rules but my son is wildly more aggressive than their daughters. Testoterone is a hormone that makes you aggressive, that is a scientific fact, so I don't think it is that far off base. I'm not saying every boy is aggressive, I have seen a lot that aren't, but I also don't think it is unrealistic to say there is a trend.

I have tried the GD forum. I don't get a lot of useful advice there, mostly just questioning my parenting/family situation in ways that don't have anything to do with why I am posting. It's frustrating and maddening so I don't bother.

My biggest problem is that you have to use short sentences with him in order for him to hear you. And talking about abstract things like feelings has no meaning for him. So if someone doesn't act hurt, saying he hurt them or that it makes them sad doesn't jive with him.

I think you are on to something with the sensory thing. He never acts mad when he does it, I think that is why it is so scary for me. I have a prescription for a behaviorist from my awesome ap doctor, I've really been thinking about getting an apt. At least I would understand...hopefully.

[stafl]

I have tried the GD forum. I don't get a lot of useful advice there, mostly just questioning my parenting/family situation in ways that don't have anything to do with why I am posting. It's frustrating and maddening so I don't bother.

Try not to get frustrated. Maybe they are seeing a connection that you are missing. Here are some questions I want you to think about, you don't have to answer them, just think about them. Are your boundaries very firmly and consistently marked out? How much violence and aggression do you allow in your home? How aggressive and violent are the men in your son's life? Does he have gentle, compassionate role models? Does he watch violence on tv or in movies? How do you react when something or someone makes you angry?

one thing really bothers me about your original post, and it has to do with his cousin.

but if he has a playmate (like his cousin) that he doesn't like or has a hard time getting along with, he scratches, pushes, hits, even when she hasn't instigated anything. I don't punish him for holding his own, she can be pretty infuriating and initially he controls himself as much as can be expected from a 3 yo.

Maybe you aren't expecting enough of him. A three year old is plenty old enough to know better than to be physically aggressive and hurt playmates. Talk to him. Have a conversation with the child. He is plenty old enough to understand what you are saying to him. He is plenty old enough to understand about feelings. He has feelings himself, use that to your advantage. Try really hard to never invalidate his feelings. Don't ever use language like "big boys don't cry" or "be brave" when he's upset or scared. Find him a really aggressive child to play with - it's easy enough, just go to any public park or playground. Talk to him about how the other child makes him feel. Get him to talk about his own feelings, and he will start to understand that others have those same feelings. That you allow him to "hold his own" with his cousin shows me that you do not have the same boundaries and limits that I have with my children, so really you can't tell me it's all about testosterone. There's no way of knowing, and I don't think it gives your son enough credit. Boys do have feelings, too. It's a shame that so many of them grow up to be men totally out of touch with their emotions, and thus out of touch with the feelings of others.

[Doodlebugsmom]

Julie, I just wanted to offer a ! I think looking more into the sensory thing sounds like a good idea. Some children are naturally more aggressive than others and just because Tain is going through this now doesn't mean he'll be like this forever. I know that he didn't become verbal until sort of recently, so maybe he has trouble verbalizing his feelings and what he needs right now. I know that you and your dh are great parents and you'll get this figured out.

[jempd]

I'm posting because I'm the mother of a 3-year-old (now about to turn 4) who has sensory integration issues and we have also struggled with him being aggressive, too rough, and unable to control hurting behaviors. Lunamom already suggested that you look into it. I'm not saying this is definitely it; at this age kids have a hard time in general being able to truly understand that what they're doing hurts and it takes a while to develop true empathy. But it's worth looking into. The next few times he does these things, ask yourself what's paticular about the time, place, situation, and whether he's becoming disorganized anyway (maybe overtired, anxious, stressed in some way, overstimulted). Once you figure out what sets him off, there's a lot you can do. Does he have other reactions to certain noises or situations i.e. crowded places. For example, my son does not do well in a crowded chaotic place like a packed playground and does so badly in the gym at his school (it has boomy, echo-y acoustics) with a lot of kids running around, that they take him out during gym-time and let him sit in the office with a teacher and another kid. THat was when he mostly did his pinching/biting/face-grabbing etc. What reminds me of him in your post is what you said about him pinching and squeezing you. I wanted to say, whether or not it is sensory-related is:
You are not raising a monster or a sociopath. Don't feel terrible. It is something that a great many kids go through and they do learn, eventually, to control themselves.