Need to vent

[Valerie.Qc]

My 14 yo DD is driving me crazy

It's not like she's out of control - then I could ask for help around

She's passive-agressive :

I've tried talking with her, I've ask many times what she want, what she think about our projects, about our homeschooling, about her schedule... (and I tried to be firm, laying the law...)

- I always get the same answer: "I don't know" in a whinny voice

She knows we homeschool as long as she's willing to work... but she's not working (and we tried many ways of doing things over the years - adapting our days and subjects to suit her needs)... and she'll trow a fit when I say, as calm as I can, that she will go back to school as she's not respecting her part of our "contract" (not to mention that she influence her little brother for the worst ).

Every little thing become a drama as she wait until we explode before saying or doing something...

I think I've tried everything short of sending her elsewhere so she can realise that she's not a martyr and yes our expectation are normal for a teenage girl

Don't know if this post is coherent - I feel more like rambling (I'm so tired that I can't think strait), sorry :

[cresorchid]

Your post is quite coherent. Not that I can really help. But if you are at the end of your rope and she isn't holding to her part of the bargain, I would send her to public school–at least for awhile. When she realizes what a good deal she has, she may change her ways drastically. I think a large part of the whining is just the age–and that's what kids her age think is appropriate/cool.

Of course, I'm assuming that the public school she would attend is a safe school. If not, your choices may be more limited. But I would definitely not take the behavior indefinitely.

As another homeschooling parent, I feel for you. My son is 17 and although he will work, it is like drawing teeth. I started way too late and by that time he had "learned" that it's cool to not want to learn, to do as little as possible, etc. I sincerely wish that I had one of those students who enjoys learning and can work independently. Even though he has to do most of the work on his own, such as reading books and answering math problems, I literally have to tell him when to start and when to stop or he won't do it. And if I get distracted by something else and forget to check on him, he will stop working until I come in and realize what has happened!

Good luck.

[Valerie.Qc]

Hum... thanks Cresorchid, I see I'm not alone with the same everyday battle :

I've tried to talk to DD once again last night - hade to made her stand in the middle of the place with no distraction and without a chance of going to bed before I had an answer

Well... ALL is MY fault
- I don't sit with her and explain the notions to her... (ya, I did this and she wasn't working more after the explaination, just waithing that I had enough and told her to put her books away... - that why I quit : )

- I don't help her when she ask... (hum... just in the morning, I tried to help her with her maths and, instead of writing what I was trying to explain, she trew her book at me )

- "I" didn't buy the good book There is not enough explaination in the book... (well, we used something with more explaination last year and she didn't like it either - she insisted that we switch to something new this year and was there with me when I bought our actual program )



Even tho she said I'm not a good "teacher" with her, she doesn't want to go to school... but she can't tell what she want instead Again "she don't know" (whinny voice)

Local school is not really good... lots of drug We will move this summer (before this baby is born I hope) and the school where we want to live is worst It used to be a really good school (when DH was a teenager) but there' s actually lots of problems going on (enough to become public in the newspaper...) With this new baby and the move, there is no money left so I can't look at private schools

There is no distant program I can use with her (in french) The only one I know doesn't accept students without official school papers after the primary years


She's bright but she "sit on it" - I don't know what she beleive about herself but she seems to think she doesn't have to work and she will get everything she wants...

[Lisa Lubner]

why not move this to the homeschooling forum?

how long has your daughter been homeschooling? a lot of people in the homeschooling forum insist that there needs to be some "deschooling" time... check this out: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=267935

[moondiapers]

I would put her in the local school for the rest of the year. It seems that she may view what you're saying as an empty threat. I would do it now so that you can follow through with what you've said BEFORE you move to where the dangerous school is. I know that you said there are drugs in the current school, BUT there are drugs in EVERY public highschool, and private. Just be extra involved, know what she's doing, talk to her every day, etc. So that she's likely to make wise choices. Especially since you'll be moving soon. She sounds alot like me :LOL I couldn't take instruction from my mother at all. I resented her even trying to teach me, and if she didn't try, well I resented that too. And it wasn't a stage for me, I still feel the same way, lol. And my mother and I are actually really really close.


-Heather

[Valerie.Qc]

We homeschool since 1999 and she had plenty of time to "deschool" herself... it's not the problem here

Putting her in school right now... ya, it's probably the right thing to do... but to be perfectly honest, I don't know wich grade I should put her in : Going with her age or with the grade we've been doing since september (wishing she retain something despite all the twadlle) :

[moondiapers]

I would go by age. Highschool goes on a credit system. YOu need so many credits to promote to the next grade. You could be 18 and doing 7th grade math, but you'd still be a senior as long as you'd taken math all 4 years and passed it. The kids really do get to work at their own level, unless they're so advanced that the school doesn't have anything to offer them.


-Heather

[Valerie.Qc]

System is not exactly the same here in Quebec so I'll have to see...

But I read something today that have me think... the attitude problem is not only related to our homeschool, nor the silence and the "I don't know"... so, could it be *gulp* depression or could there be a physical explaination to her behavior? (vitamins or mineral deficiency?)

I'm fed up with this situation but I don't want to jump to conclusion and miss something important... sometimes one tree can hide a forest...

[Messac888]

Hey there. this may or may not help, but we'll see. I was a teenager not all that long ago (I'm 24 now) so maybe I might have a different perspective. Your dd sounds a lot like I did as a teen. Not to scare you, but I was depressed; a lot of people in our family died- 5 people in 8 months- and I didn't know how to talk about my feelings around it all cuz feelings weren't discussed in open in our family. I ended up coping by developing an eating disorder. I'm not saying your dd is depressed or has food issues, but she doesn't sound to be very happy, either. Does she have friends? Close friends, for that matter? Does she do any volunteer work at all? Is she involved in any sports or other activities? She may not want to go to a public school, or any school for that matter, so I don't think using school as a threat or actually sticking her in a school would be beneficial to her, especially at the point she's in right now. Does she have acne? Is she overweight? Has her periods started? She may just be feeling ugly even though all of these things are NORMAL for a teenager. If she's growing breasts she may need/want a bra but might be too embarassed to ask to shop for one. (I don't know about the average, but I didn't get boobs until after I quit gymnastics at age 17!) Is it possible that she wants boys to pay attention to her but none of them do? Or that she's excited- but uncomfortable- with the idea of dating?

I'm just trying to think of different things that it could be. I know as a teen ALL of these things were concerns of mine. It may seem petty to worry about acne or greasy hair, but it's a VERY real concern for ALL teens, male AND female. Maybe she's taking piano lessons but really wants to learn electric guitar. Maybe she's learning French but wants to learn Finnish. Or, it really could be what's she's been telling you all along- SHE DOESN'T KNOW. Just be there, love her snd support her, but try not to send her to school. Not for the wrong reasons, such as punishment. Maybe it's time to rewrite your contract with her. Explain that since she's a member of the family she needs to pull her weight, but don't ground her for not doing her stuff- instead, remind her- constantly- that you love her and need her help around the house, with schoolwork, etc. Maybe give her a dime for every 15 minutes she works without stopping to dawdle, chat on the phone, etc. You know, an allowance. She may just want some spending money.

Be sure to consider that it COULD be depression, and maybe that's why she doesn't know what's wrong. Depression is hard to describe when you've never experienced it before. It's worse than being sad because you could win a million bucks and still be sad. You could win a Grammy and still be sad. You could have a surprise party thrown in your honor just for being a great person- and still be sad. Be there for her, give her hugs, tell her you love her- and don't be afraid to take her to a therapist if she's still having trouble opening up.

Good luck and PLEASE keep me posted- I'd like to hear an update on how she's doing.
Melissa