Aggressive boy at school and Ds...advice please!

[Earth Angel]

Hi!!
I'm wondering how other folks might handle this situation

My Ds (4 yo) attends preschool (Waldorf inspired) and there is a boy in his class that loves my son to pieces...but in a very overbearing and dominant way. He is always trying to control the play...takes things from my son....says hello to him in the morning by running up to him and almost knocking him down...and things like this. Teacher and i have kept clear communication going about this as it has been very difficult for my son...he likes this boy and is somewhat mystified by him (he talks about things like superheros that ds has never been exposed to...which is another issue entirely)...but it is now interefering with his enjoyment of school (which he really LOVES). I spoke with his teacher this morning after an interaction in which ds was saying he was going to draw...boy says no..come play and so I said I think ds said he wants to draw..boy says no he wants to play...i said lets let ds decide (all very nice and supportive of both children) and ds says no i'll play...so off they go...Teacher came over and shared that this is how it often goes...which I know about my son...he avoids conflict just like his parents and tries hard to make everything OK....She shard another thing that happened yesterday when boy took a toy from ds and when teacher went to intervene ds said...its ok i'll just use this other toy

I want to empower my son so that he can attempt to stand up for himself but I also want to help him keep the balance between standing up for himself and being able to find the positives in a negative situation and turn it around for the better....What do you think would be the best way to achieve this???

Ds and I have talked about the fact that he doesn't have to play with boy if he doesn't want to and that it is up to him to choose what he would like to be doing not other boy. Although I think my son understands this...I think it is too much for him to do in the moment....

Any advice would be greatly appreciated I just don't know what to do...

[mama_kass]

The only advice that I have is to talk to the teacher about this which you have. I'm concerned that this issue has not been resolved. Talk to her again. She should also be able to give you suggestions on how to help your son from a Waldorf perspective.

[~*max*~]

And perhaps you could also do some role playing w/your son on how to handle these situations when they come up, along the lines of helping him practice being assertive. With this young age practicing w/puppets or other toys might be more enjoyable (and less stressful).

Good luck.

[Earth Angel]

thanks for replying mama kass

The teacher is keeping great communication with us...Which Dh and I appreciate.
The problem seems to lie within the family. The mother and father are divorced and father is the one who wants him to attend the school. Mother wants him to have a cirriculum based pre school experiennce and is really uninterested in following the school requirements of no TV (or at least not on school nights) good diet with limited to no sugar etc. I actually spoke with the administrator to see if boy will be back next yr (I wanted to make sure they were not in the same calss) and he will not...so that was a relief. Apparently this issue has been discussed throughout the faculty and mom was brought in to speak with the head of the pre school...but still no change....which is hard with a 4 yr.,..no one can change overnight and I know that this boy is still learning...but I hate for my kid to be his experiment.

I spoke to some therapist friends of mine who know DS well and they suggested role play, puppet play...and Dh and I modeling in our own play (DS loved this one). I don't know if it will help him in the moment or not though.....

Dh and I are just trying to help Ds through all of this and are looking for ideas RE: helping him assert himself appropriately while still keeping the balance of kindness and his ability to work through these things with others.....We figure this is our only options as it seems that it is not going to change unless boy leaves the school.

This is a hard one for us for sure

[Kirsten]

I know this is hard for you (and him) right now. But I really believe that there are incredible learning possibilities here! He - at four - can learn to stand up for himself, a skill that he surely needs before junior high/high school comes along and the choices are not what toy to play with but whether or not to do drugs or ride with your drunk friend.

My dd2 went through an issue at toddler group (kids are two, turning three - the year before first year of preschool) years ago. There was a little boy who was very physically aggressive. He would push, take toys, even kick for no determinable reason. It was very anger provoking! I was terribly upset as my daughter was his favorite target for a while. I thought he should be removed from the program! I did feel for his mom, who tried her best to stay right next to him and run interference any time it looked like he would attack. The teacher wanted focus on the hurt child and we did that but it continued. I was at my wits' end!

Like you, I was worried that my child's good experience would be ruined by the actions of another child. She did begin to lose her desire to go - and she had previously LOVED this program. BUT.... what happened (luckily right before I'd had enough and was about to freak out to the teacher and to the boy's mom that I insisted they drop out) was that my daughter HAD HAD ENOUGH! She started to put her hands out and scream anytime he came anywhere near her. At first I actually felt a little sorry for the boy - who often times was just playing in the same room, not right in her space. But it was the natural consequences of how he had acted before. She got tough; she stood up for herself; she wasn't waiting around for the attack or for someone else to "save" her. It was proactive - see him, get assertive in letting him know that you wouldn't take it anymore. He never touched her again.

Funny later part of the story. They signed up for the same co-op preschool we did - same day, same time. At first I was less than thrilled I must admit. But we (and I include the moms in that number) had all grown a lot. The boy learned a lot socially, how to manage frustration, etc. My dd learned to stand up for herself. I learned to let her experience some discomfort (while staying near to help her) as she learned to stand up for herself. I also learned compassion for others - that mom went through far worse than I did - her child was hurting other kids!

We (oh so surprisingly) ended up CARPOOLING to preschool that entire year! The boy who had pummelled my kid ended up being her buddy. My extreme anger (and let me tell you that feeling that way about a TWO YEAR OLD is not a fun thing either) changed to a real fondness for this boy. He and my dd may be in the same kindergarten class next year and I am happy about it.

I love the role playing idea - go over different possible situations and what choices your child has. Hey! Do you remember the "choose the ending" books we read as kids? Where at the bottom of each page you get to make a choice as to what happens next then go to that page - so the story turns as you decide? I loved those and my kids do too. Now they make them for much younger ages - my four year old loves the ones for her age! We have one where the character has to decide how/if to wait for a turn with a toy - do you hit, take the toy, wait, ask an adult for help, etc. You can go back and read it again with different endings. It is GREAT! Let me know if you want the publisher info - I will try to come back and post it.

I don't think you should abandon your child to the situation - just that you can teach him how to stand up for himself. If it is not that bad for him, letting him allow the other child to choose what they play may be ok. When he has enough, he'll stand up. May be now, may be when he is a bit older. But he will! Both of my older children have had kids in assorted classes that caused issues - but in all these situations, my kids have learned/grown SO MUCH! They have choices, they have power to change it if they want. Might be by action or by attitude but they can decide. Let him stay in the situation and learn his own power.

[2GR8KIDS]

I agree with the PPs about modeling, role playing, helping your son develop a "script" so that he can handle these situations. My son's coop preschool teacher was really good at conflict resolution, and when she saw a child always give in to the demands of a more aggressive kid, she would be sure to go over and ask the child, for example, "I heard you tell X that you wanted to draw; are you sure you want to go play?" After awhile, this helped the less aggressive kids (including my son) learn to assert themselves.

[Earth Angel]

Thanks everyone!

Max, you and I must have posted at the same time
Sounds like everyone is saying the same thing...role play! He really loved watching Dh and I act out the scene that happened that day....he even joined in after a while and played himself while I played boy.

Kirsten...I really appreciate what you said....and that you'd been there, done that....and it struck me that you struggled with your feelings with the small child doing this to your kid...I did too. I know rationally that he is a sweet loving child and that he is learning too...just as I said...but there is this mamma part of me that feels the need to defend my child and that even though this kid is only 4 1/2 he is the present threat.....It is weird having to sort through all of that...but I think I have!