Originally Posted by asherah
I don't know.
I don't have all this figured out.
I do know that one can do only so much with anger. Anger can be a powerful force for transformation. But if you STAY there.. and only there... it tends to turn destructive.
And I do know that I don't believe raising boys out of/in anger is going to do much to create the world I want for my son.
I don't think viewing other boys with suspicion is going to help my son create trusting, healthy relationships with either men OR women.
So I am wondering if I can fight patriarchy from a place of love and hope instead of always from anger.
Can I start to see boys as allies and agents of change?
Can I treat them as my hope for a different future.. instead of as potential predators (not that I see them that way anyway.. but others seem to).
Wouldn't they be more likely to turn out trustworthy if I start by trusting them.. and giving them safe space to be gentle, to cry.. AND to roughhouse without judging them?
I don't have all the answers. Heck, I hardly have any answers. I am totally baffled by the whole gender question... But I have learned that the paradigm I have always been comfortable with doesn't necessarily serve me as the mother of a boy.
ohhh totally, I know where you're coming from. I certainly do not see little boys as predators, I am continually amazed at how gentle, sweet, helpful, loving, and cooperative my son is. It saddens me to know that all boys are most likely like this when they are young, and somehow they get conditioned otherwise, but I def. have hope that things are changing. I do not have a lot of anger always in my life. I got a lot of that dealt with in my teens and twenties. BUT I still have righteous anger at all the F-up situations in this world and I won't ignore that, that will not help me or my son, or create a better world. I am working on transforming that anger, too, in a way it inspires me to always be conscious and question everything, not just go along with the status quo....
I really irrates me when EVERYDAY some stranger (or someone we know sometimes unfortunately) says stupid stuff about "how boys are" it jsut drives me crazy! I used to just roll my eyes and didnt have the energy to say what I thought, but lately I've decided that I HAVE To!, b/c ds hears it. He is being conditioned by people saying things, like how if he likes to get dirty and play in puddles, he is "a proper boy", and that he is so active "all boy" , or that b/c he likes trucks lately, that makes him some kind of valid boy. it just drives me nuts! i know most times stuff just slips out, and the people aren't sexist in general (sometimes), but I still need to point it out...
Theres also more insidious stuff too, about his emotions and feelings that I try to be conscious of. Like I got caught off guard when his grandparents were visiting and grandpa was sitting on the couch and steffen really needed a mama nurseing break to get grounded again and he like to lay down on the couch w/ me to nurse sometimes and he went over and pulled grandpa off and then, tried to get me to get me up on the couch and grandpa grabbed him and starting roughhousing, and steffen was not happy with this, and tried to get away, but grandpa just saw it as part ogf the game, and kinda overpowered him and jokingly was like "where you going/!" and of course steffen couldn't get away and got very upset, and started to cry. Grandpa didn't take his feelings seriously, he just laughed. Then I grabbed steffen and we nursed and he was fine, but still shaken up. He wasnt used to this mandatory roughhousing or being denied nursing, even if only for a minute.... But I saw in that case and others how esp. grandpa doesnt take feelings seriously. when ds would get upset, he would joke and rough house, never just let him be....
and ds has never liked roughhousing, when he is around other kids doing it, he just is still and maintains his space, he seems to not understand it, which is how i've been too as a kid. theres too many other things that interest him. he loves to be outside all the time and be active, just not into roughhousing, and i;m kinda surpriesed when people say its something "that boys just do"
anyway- thats my rant for the day!