PLEASE tell me your thoughts about this situation with my 16yr. old sister

[konadogsmom]

I dont have any experience parenting teenagers as my kids arent quite there yet. But my 16 year old sister seems like she's spiraling out of control and my mom is about to have a panic attack and keeps calling me! Its really bothering me and I just need to talk about it.

My sister hasnt been doing very well in school the past few months. She's never been a great student, but she's always done her homework and tried. But on the last report card that came out last week she got all F's. And she's not coming home after school like my mom wants her too.

She's supposed to be tutoring a few kids at school and they are complaining about her saying she's not trying to help them and says she smells like pot. I know that my sister is smoking pot, but I have always thought that marijuana is not a big deal and all kids experiment. Id really hate to think that all of this is because of pot. I dont think she really smokes that much... but I dont really know. I cant talk to my mom about it because she would send my sister to rehab or something. She really believes that smoking some pot is equivilant to shooting up heroin. Although, I dont want to get into a big debate over marijuana or anything. btw- I personally dont smoke pot, and never really did. But I did experiment with it as did most of my friends.

She's already grounded because of the report card, but then yesterday she never came home from school. She called my mom right after school and said she was going with her friend somewhere and my mom said no and reminded her that she is grounded, but my sister went anyway... and didnt come home until almost midnight.

Now this is the part that really bothers me- Last year my parents let my sister paint her room black. I was really suprised they let her because they are VERY traditional and, well its just not their style. But.. her room actually came out pretty cute. She painted it black with maroon highlights and sponge painting on one wall. Anyway, my mom told me this morning they are going to paint my sisters room tomorrow back to white again. : I am really irked by this! I feel like its taking something away from her that they shouldnt. I feel like thats her personal space and they should let her have it. My parents did similar things to me when I was acting out at that age and it only made things worse. When I talked to dh about it he agrees with my parents. He thinks she's being disrespectful and that they are taking away something she likes and thats her punishment. Please give me your opinions on this.

Also, my mom is wondering how she is going to keep my sister grounded. If she is coming and going when she wants how do my parents ground her? She goes to school.. its not really possible that someone picks her up from class to bring her home afterwards. Everyone works. Although my mom does work from home but she cant leave. What do they do? Most parents must have to deal with this, right?

My mom seems to think all of her friends kids are perfect and she's so embarrassed that my sister is acting this way. Dont all teenagers act this way? Or is this out of the ordinary?

[Irishmommy]

I think it all put together is out of the ordinary, but by how much I don't know. Can you spend some time with her and see if there is something up?

[konadogsmom]

I can.. and I did. A few days ago we just hung out and listened to cd's together and stuff. I tried bring it up.. but she didnt want to talk about anything. I dont want to be a second mom, ya know. I dont want to lecture her, or tell her anything really. Im more wanting to give my mom ideas. Im going to go hang out with my sister today for a while.. I just dont know what I should or shouldnt do. I may bring it up and say something like, "whats been going on with you lately, you really have mom worried" or something like that? I just dont know.

[Jane]

Well, I think they are trying to link priveleges to good behavior and failing a little. Painting her room white would be an acceptible punishment if it had been given for good grades or was threatened because of poor grades.

I think that they are underestimating the amount of work their teen is requiring. She should not be able to shirk going home after school because they should arrange to pick her up or pay someone to pick her up.
Perhaps I'm misreading this, but just because your parents want to be done with intensive childrearing doesn't mean they get to be done.

If I were making a plan, I would not discuss other people's kids at all - who cares if other teens are good? That doesn't matter. Her attitude doesn't matter either. Maybe she should be able to do this stuff on her own now, but she can't.
My plan:
Meet with all her teachers - a phone call is probably good, but 10-15 minutes with each one about what the expecations are to pass with a C+. That would be where I would aim.
Set a schedule to get that work done - that will probably mean that she will be doing 45 minutes of homework every day after school.
Sit with her to supervise her homework - this can be a parent doing this or a paid supervisor at Sylan.
Allow more privledges as she proves herself - eventually she will be allowed to do the work unsupervised, on her own schedule, etc. But those will be priveleges that are earned with good results.

This doesn't address the pot at all - I don't neccesarily think it's an issue - is she can get her "work" done in an acceptible manner, what she does around the edges is her business.

[UUMom]

They are trying to 'lay down the law' without finding out why she is in pain.

That's never going to help their relationship.

It's not up to you--- you are not her parent.

However, if they hear you at all, I'd suggest that you ask them to stop and meet w/ her.

Something is up.

They can punish her--sweep away her art---but that will not, in any way, imo, help their relationship or their child. In fact, it will drive a wedge deeper than they wish. Hurtng a child is not the way to communciation. And it seems there is no real communication here.

My oldest is 16 and ime, teens are very emotionally needy---even when they seem that they are not. Everything is so hard at that age. It feels like a lot of people don't understand your needs, your thoughts, your intellect. Whenever I have not been sure of my teens' needs, I ask him. I share that this is my first time being the parent of a teen and i don't always know what he needs. I tell him that when I was 16 i felt misunderstood, but nobody ever asked me what needed---so I do try to aks my 16 yr old what he might need. It doesn't mean he always tells me everyting, but i do seem to get a goodly amount of information. From my experience with him, it seems that teens are often questioning themselves, even if they seem cool on the outside.

As I said, I don't always get the clearest answer, but my questions are genuine. My oldest has a lot going on-- musically, academically, sports-wise, emotionally--- the whole thing. It's a difficult time --and teens need our love & physical presence. My teen never pushes me away when I stroke his head at night, telling him I much I admire his drive etc. He might push me away at 3 in the afternoon, in front of his friends. I don't care about that. I only care that he knows that his Dad and I think he rocks. Maintaining his dignity in front of insecure teens doesn't affect us, yk?

It's challenging, but we really need to be there to help when their needs are greatest. Maybe we don't 'get it', but we need to ask. It takes a lot of gumption, balls, etc., to be there and love the difficult teen- in- transition. This time in their lives is not about us---it's about them. We don't have to put up with emotional abuse, but we do need to be extra sensitive to hormonal, and growing emotional & intellectual needs.

As 'they' say, Parenting is Not For Sissies. And next phrase is my own-- Unconditional Love is Not a Cakewalk. Get over your needs.


PS
I am Momma4. Cindy M found my orginal user name, which i had forgotten.

[Messac888]

I hate to sound rude, since I know this will sound rude, but I absolutely HATE when parents say they "can't" do something, especially something as small as picking up their kid after school. Get out of work early, and if work won't let you out early, get a new job. Your kid should be your main priority, not the work schedule that has been created for you by someone who doesn't give a sh*t about your life.

Your sis needs help. Get the poor girl in therapy so she can talk to someone she may feel actually cares about her and her feelings. Washing away her bedroom walls will only threaten her sense of self further. Why damage a child even more?

Your sister is not the problem, she is the symptom of a problem. Speaking as Dr. Phil for a moment, it's not a "sister" problem, it's a "family" problem. She just so happens to be the one hooting and hollering about it instead of keeping quiet. Drugs are not her problem, drugs are her solution. THAT, in and of itself, is a problem.

I don't know what else to say, except that your parents need to give the girl some breathing space, maybe hire a tutor, definitely hire a therapist, and help her before she makes worse decisions- drives home drunk while pregnant or something, kwim?

Good luck. There are people out there who have been where your sister is- myself included- and it's not a fun place. I wish her all the luck and happiness in the world.

[Red Sonja]

can't write much right now (cranky teething ds) but just wanted to throw in my $.02

i would encourage them not to paint over her room. when i was 14 my mom and stepdad took off the door to my room as punishment and also (with the help of my stepsister) pulled out and searched every drawer in my room. that was 15 years ago and, even as i type this, it still makes my blood boil just to think about it. that was just from a violation of my privacy, it would have been even worse if they had destroyed something i had worked on like your sister's room.

to your family

[SagMom]

The color of the paint on her walls is irrelevant. They need to all be able to sit down and talk--REALLY talk. I'm not a big fan of therapy, but it sounds like a third party is needed here to facilitate some real communication.

UUMom had an amazing response.

I don't think any amount of punishment is going change the situation. As the mother has already found out, she can't "make" her dd come home after school, or do her homework or whatever. Maybe if they could hear what's going on with her, and be open to what she wants/needs they could help her with a plan. And maybe if she felt heard, she'd be open to their input.

[sunnysideup]

I agree that "punishment" is not what your sis needs. That is sure to drive her away (emotionally) from her family. She needs support and guidance.

Id really hate to think that all of this is because of pot.

It could be. Marijuana (or any drug) has that effect on some people.

I have a very similar situation in my family. It's a long story, but the short version is little sister is sixteen and up untill a couple of months ago was a good student with a neat 16yo boyfriend. Then grades fall apart, there is a new 19yo bf, pot smoking, skipping school

I wish I knew what I could do to help. Sometimes when I try to help I feel like my Dad thinks I'm interferring. So far I've tried to just be there for her. She knows I'm worried about her. My Dad is single, and he works a lot so my sister has had a lot of freedom and not much responsiblity. Maybe that's part of the problem????

[TiredX2]

I don't have a teenager, but my concern w/repainting her room would be...

Where *do* they want her to be? If her room is a place she feels comfortable in and they take that away, why would she possibly want to spend more time at home?

[journeymom]

TX2, that's a good point. Lots of good points here.

Konadogsmom, I do think your parents can 'make' her come home. One of them, probably your mom, needs to rearrange her schedual so she can go pick up her daughter after school.

Little sister made her room look cool, and I really hope your parents leave it alone. She should not be going anywere without one of her parents, so if she's going to be spending more time in her room, it should be her sanctuary. This doesn't mean your parents don't have the right to go into her room and check for drugs. Sorry, drugs are illegal, they're still her parents and have an obligation to take care of her safety. Never mind that it's their home. The color of her walls is the least of their problems.

Messac888 has a good plan. UUMom makes a good point, too. Obviously, your little sis is having problems and, while her parents need to lay down the law, there's no point in doing so if they don't bother finding out what's going on.

I really don't know why parents think it has to be either/or where this sort of situation is concerned. Not only do they need to respond with discipline and reign in her in, but they need to resond with compassion and unconditional love. Your sister probably feels pretty unlovable right now.

[journeymom]

Also, konadogsmom, what does your mom do from home? I can imagine if she does in-home daycare it would be really difficult to pick little sis up after school. Nonetheless, that's probably the best solution here. Your parents need to do what it takes, figure it out.

Again, the only place she should be going to for a while is to school.

Sometimes, and of course none of here know your parents, but sometimes parents make decisions based upon what's convenient for them to do. It's easier for your parents to paint over your sister's room than it is to rearrange their schedule.

[konadogsmom]

Thank you so much to everyone who responded. On Sunday my mom was going to make my sister paint her room white again. My mom let my sister have a friend over to help. My sister and her friend painted 1/2 of a wall and said they were going to walk to the little store down the street and they left and didnt come back. The room looks like crap now, all the furniture is everywhere. But I figured out why my mom is doing this!! My mom figures that if she cant control my sister.. she can at least control the color of her walls? Im just guessing here but I really dont understand. Ladybug.. I am so upset about this because my parents did similar things to me as well. I didnt have a door for about a year (I had to dress in the bathroom) They looked through my personal stuff all the time. Read my diary, and even tapped the phone!! I found the tape recorder and a ton of tapes of me talking to my friends. Thinking about still breaks my heart. I still have an issue with privacy because of it. They made things so much worse. But anyway, my mom kicked my sister out and is saying she doesnt want all the chaos in her life To make a really long story short, my sister called me later that day and asked if she could stay with me for the week (she has the week off for spring break) My mom told me to just keep her.. but it was out of anger, I know she didnt mean it. My sister is asking if she can stay with me until she gets her grades back up. I want to help her, but I dont want to get in the middle. I think she really wants to try and do better. I think shes looking for boundries, and my parents dont stick to their word. Why did she have a friend over? Why was she allowed to go to the store? My mom is really wishy washy. I mentioned to my mom about picking her up from her last class.. and yes, she does daycare.. I told her I would do it. She told me no, that wouldnt work because my sister would just cut her last class. Its true that she has been cutting class sometimes. Well, thanks for all your thoughts.

[madhousemommy]

Oh my! I am a little late getting into the game..but here is my opinion. I have a 14 year old so not as old as your sis but my dd has friends that have sisters this age so maybe I can offer up something to help......Whew what a handful. (BTW i just read your posts)
I have come to learn there is safe rebellion and unsafe rebellion.
Messy rooms, weird hair, funky clothes, crappy music is safe rebellion..These kinds of things they will grow out of..eventually.
Pot smoking, questionable where abouts....not safe rebellion. These kinds of things & behaviors may have a negative outcome that affects her for the rest of her life. I.e serious drug addiction issues, questionable characters that can harm her....i.e rape ( my friend IRL was raped at 13 during a drug deal gone bad) Is this makin' any sense...safe reb. vs. unsafe reb.
I will almost bet with the black painted room is when she started to experiment with the pot, normally the black wouldn't draw much attention to me but added with all the other information it draws a red flag. Or at least maybe a time line when things were not all that they seemed and no one was really paying any attention. I agree with you on the situation of haveing her paint her room back to white...silly(black paint is safe)....Here your sis was "busted so to speak" and she still gets to have her friends hang around, then leave to go to the store???? Hello! Was she maybe meeting up with some folks to get high?(ditching the 'rents to maybe go get high...unsafe)
Your sis is so lucky to have you, dont flame me here, but your 'rents are kicking her out when she needs them the most!!!! This is the crossroads for her, she could go one way or the other! On one hand i could say to your Parents "HEY, this is your kid here!!, dont give up when the going gets a lil rough,our kids need us the most in times like these!!!Do your Job as Parents! quit wimpin out on her! On the other hand, you have been through the disrespect/privacy issue so would she be better off with you? Are you prepared to deal with a teenager and her parents (BTW do you really think your mom would give you full authority in all this mess?) So much to think about....I hope all of you can get through this. I will be thinking about this and checking in from time to time. (((((strength vibes)))))
Val

[kathywiehl]

Your sister sounds exactly like me at that age and your mom sounds just like my mom- wishy washy and in total denial, having a defeated attitude as if there is nothing left to do.

IMO, your parents need to wake up. Someone needs to pick her up from school and if they get to school and she's not there because she's skipped her last class and bailed before the parents arrived, then further action needs to be taken. If it were my daughter, I'd explain that I'll be picking her up from now on and if she's not there, the police will be called. Maybe that will scare her enough to at least be there when she's being picked up.

If she's grounded, then make her stay home- no phone, tv, or walks to the store (no doubt to get high- I did this type of thing too). If she leaves, follow her and don't leave her side til she comes home.

At this point, it's become a crisis situation and needs to be dealt with. Your sis needs to be the priority- work, housework, social engagements, everything can all wait.

My parents had no idea how to deal with me and I ended up in some really, really bad situations that they never knew about. I could have gotten killed a few times and I ended up pregnant at 19 and dropped out of college. Thanfully with alot of hard work I was able to pull myself out of the trenches but most of my friends who were there with me are still in bad shape at the age of 30.