popularity issues- help!

[stayinghome]

My daughter just turned 11. She's in 5th grade, and will be going to middle school in the fall.

Some of the friends she hangs out with are popular. Allison is very down to earth for the most part.

The first thing that happened this week is that the neighbor girl, Ashley, who she hangs out with (and seems to run the show as far as the bigger kids in the neihborhood go) told Allison that "she's got the look of a popular girl," but that she needs to really work on her clothes in order for her to "maintain" her status at middle school. She also told her in this conversation to just stick close to Jordon (another girl in Allison's class), because she will definetly be popular and she'll be her ticket in.

The second thing happened yesterday. Allison was chosen to go to an all day orchestra event (she plays viola) with 20 other schools participating. She was the only elementary child chosen in this district so this was a big deal! When she got home, Ashley and her two friends were at the playground, talking on cell phones?! and when Ashley was done on the phone she says to Allison, "so how was your stupid viola thing?"

Allison came home and was so hurt. She feels like if she stops hanging around this girl, she'll have no one to play with in the neighborhood. She is worried about fitting in in middle school, but says she doesn't want to ever be a mean person in order to be "popular."

I'm sorry, this is a ramble I know, but this peer pressure thing is hard. What should I do? How should I approach this?

One of my friends said I should talk to this girl's parents, but I've met them, and they are grown-up versions of the same type of behavior... so no go there...

We talked about getting back in the UU church to maybe make some more like- minded friends, but she totally balked at the idea of church.

I hate seeing her get treated this way.

If you got this far- thanks!!

[Alkenny]

Been there, done that...my DD has been in middle school for a couple of years now and I can tell you that besides the whole "not making cheerleading thing" (whole other post, she's over that now :LOL ) that it's a whole other ballgame. With switching classes and a whole new arena of activities and clubs, there's the opportunities to make NEW friends, regardless of popularity.

I know it's hard for us as parents, but I think it's a "struggle" for them to find themselves that they have to do on their own with us just being there for moral support.

Does that make sense?

[sunnysideup]

I hate how mean some girls this age can be. I don't have lots of advice for you-- but I feel your pain! My daughter is 12 and in the 6th grade. I know how influential and important friends are at this age, so I worry about it a lot. I've been meaning to read the book Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman. It seems like it has a lot of good insights and advice for helping an adolescent daughter through this rough period. Has anyone here read it?

[stayinghome]

Thanks for your responses. I will look into that book!

It all worked itself out for now- there was a fight yesterday, followed by tears, followed by "we're best friends again" followed by a lemonade stand (of all things...)

I feel like I'm at the top of a very long roller coaster ride... :LOL

[stayinghome]

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...199462-1531929

That's the link for the book. If anyone is interested, maybe we could start a chapter-a- week discussion in a few weeks? Just let me know...

[journeymom]

It all worked itself out for now- there was a fight yesterday, followed by tears, followed by "we're best friends again" followed by a lemonade stand (of all things...)

:LOL That's cute!

Just wanted to say, I was a violin geek from 4th grade on. As far as that particular aspect is concerned, I hope she keeps it up! By the time I was in high school it was a little easier to be 'different' and it was kind of 'cool' to be 'nerdy'. Orchestra was so much fun, and I made my best friends there. And they were plenty popular. My two best girlfriends also played basketball, field hocky and ran track, were in the AP English and math classes and had cute boyfriends.

[stayinghome]

I was a cello player. I can't tell you how happy I am that one of my kids plays in the orchestra too.

And her viola teacher is my old orchestra teacher!

[madhousemommy]

I will definately be getting that book! I am a mom of what seems to be a semi-popular girl. However there is 2 girls in this "group" that are down right witchs.... I have always "preached" for a lack of a better word...it is Ok for us to beat to a different drum...Their buddy bunch is very diverse, its very nice cuz they all particiapte in very different activities but have the common bond of being close friends and respecting each others choice...with exception to the 2 afformentioned girls....Those 2 girls will not be going to the same High School as the other 9, which will alleviate most of the problem. I have tried to talk to the parents on some issues that have come up, but they dont see the problem at all. In fact 1 mom defended her daughters complete lack of responsiblity on a certain occasion. These issues will come up again and I feel the best way is to really ingrain in your child.."The Golden Rule"!
It really irks me when moms dont know when to step back and let their daughters....well lets just say..."you crapped in your own nest, its up to you to clean it up" That was my motto for awhile and she did learn. I have only come to her rescue once,when afformentioned mom, took my dd out of class to scream at her for not inviting her (witchy) dd to her b-day party! Basically we learned Girl X will do whatever, and her mom will always stand behind her, not holding her responsible for being sh**** to others. Does that make sense?
It is crappy that your daughter is already feelin' the pressure, I would say something to her parents and if they look at you like..."what my daughter wouldn't do thaaaat" ...you will know where you stand with them. So will your daughter, she doesn't have to be anybody but herself! BTW plays the Viola.....very very cool!! Whats up with the cell phone thang Weird, maybe girls thinkin they are all that!!?KWIM

Welcome to the roller-coaster ride of your life mamma! I know i wouldn't want to do Junior High again!!!
Val, mama to 1 teenager and 2 toddlers!

[Irishmommy]

I must get that book. My dd is almost 11, Grade 5. Luckily we don't have middle school here - elementary goes right to Grade 8, same school. She is her own person so far, and doesn't care about cliques, and also stands up for the underdogs, but that could all change.

Forewarned is forearmed!

HeatherE, I'm glad it's sorted out.

[sunnysideup]

It all worked itself out for now-

I'm so glad to hear that.

If anyone is interested, maybe we could start a chapter-a- week discussion in a few weeks? Just let me know...

We should do that. It seems like a lot of us are dealing with these same issues.

[stayinghome]

Well how about if we all aim to get the book by, say May 1st? Does that give everyone enugh time to track it down?


I try and talk about the idea ofindividuality here too. She loves her New Moon magazine with all her heart and if it wasn't so expensive, I'd get all of these girls subscriptions... :LOL

[kathywiehl]

I'm just finally catching up on these threads and love the idea of the book discussion. Did you all decide to do this? How about a Yahoo group to keep it more of a discussion than a list? In any case, I'm in if you are definitely doing this, just let me know. I'm going to go order the book now.

[madhousemommy]

Gonna take a look at Barnes & Noble if they dont have it they will order it!
Good idea on the Yahoo group!
Yay! I am so glad I found a parents w/ teens forum.

[sunnysideup]

I just requested the book from the library.

[Irishmommy]

Me too!!

[stayinghome]

Sounds good- shall we keep this open till May 1st? Then open a new thread and disuss a chapter a week?

[Irishmommy]

Fine with me.

[stayinghome]

Ok then! May first we'll begin, and I'll open a new thread!

[madhousemommy]

Good Morning Ladies,
I was thinking to myself...I am so busy...another book .....Got the book! ...I have only made it through to the 1st chapter.I am one of those people that has to read small bits a coupla times then think about it....absorb that....then go on.
It's good and very poignant and funny at the same time....it will take you back to very specific moments in time....to put you in their shoes.

The lil part about their rooms and them being lil beavers makeing their den(safe haven)....how visual....here comes mom to trample on her den...."this room is a " ....Very funny but i got the picture!

Like Woody says "Dont got one,GET one" (the book)
Val

[UUMom]

My daughter is 12 and we haven't had this happen yet. I've seen that book, however and I have been afraid to read it. I read Reviving Ophelia and that was about all i could handle right now.

But I'm in. I'll get the book at the library.