How to explain our decision to homeschool (probably unschool) to teachers?

[Mere]

My dd is only 3, so we haven't broadcast our schooling intentions to the world yet. However, when people ask now what school dd will go to, etc. I am telling them our plans. Recently a good friend of mine, who happens to be a special education teacher in the public school system, asked me our plans for dd so I told her. I was really trying hard to be sensitive, not put down her position, skills, etc. but I think it still may have come across that way. Really, the bottom line is that I don't believe kids need formally trained teachers to learn, and I'm not sure how to get around that when talking with formally trained teachers.

All non-teachers I've told thus far have been very receptive and understanding. However, I'm a little worried about my friend's reaction because both my mother and my mother-in-law are retired public elementary school teachers with Masters degrees in Education. How can I explain our position without insulting them? Is it possible??? Help!!!

[Jen123]

You don't owe anyone an explanation. "we've decided to homeschool" is plenty. Or , because he's still so young you can say "we are researching homeschooling and liking what we find". We've got formal educators in my family as well. They were told "we've decided to homeschool". When asked "why" we said "because that's what we've decided to do". And left it at that.

[UnschoolnMa]

I agree, any explanation you give should be satisfactory. Just say "We will be homeschooling." and don't allow yourself to be drawn into debate. A simple "We feel it's best for our family." or something similiar should work. If they take it personally, well... that's them and not you, KWIM?

[alegna]

As a former teacher who will be homeschooling- I agree, no explaination is needed. A simple- we've decided to homeschool, it's the best decision for our family/child right now- is all that's needed. If they want to argue about how much better off your child would be in school, it's their own insecurities talking. (after all, if school isn't tons better than mom and dad can do, they'd all be out of work! )

-Angela

[Mere]

Originally Posted by Jen123

You don't owe anyone an explanation. "we've decided to homeschool" is plenty. Or , because he's still so young you can say "we are researching homeschooling and liking what we find". We've got formal educators in my family as well. They were told "we've decided to homeschool". When asked "why" we said "because that's what we've decided to do". And left it at that.

Really, your family members didn't want any more explanation than that? I think that is a good line to use for friends/more distant relatives, but I just know my mother and mother-in-law are going to demand (in a nice way) more explanation as to why we decided that, how it's all going to happen, etc. I mean, if my son or daughter decided to do something outside the realm of what I considered to be mainstream I'd probably want to hear more of an explanation too.

So do you just refuse to discuss it with them? It seems like that might just create more problems, but maybe not : . In the end though, I want them to understand and be supportive...we are close to both sets of grandparents, and I don't want to create an antagonism where there was none before...

[Artisan]

If you say "We're going to homeschool," and a family member asks why, keep the focus on the child rather than on what you feel is wrong with schools and teachers. Just say, "We've done a lot of research, and feel home is the best environment for X to learn in right now." You can answer other questions as they arise (I'm sure they will ask about socialization -- they always do), but if you keep the language family-specific and child-focused, you shouldn't offend anyone.

[SmilingChick]

...

[roundpegmom]

My daughters are 5 and 7, so we gave only been HSing for three years. The only family member than gave me grief is my sister who has children that are 5 and 11 (both public schooled). I think the most important thing I had to realize was, by defending my homeschooling, I was attacking her public schooling (or at least that how it is perceived). It is hard to convey that I feel that HSing is superior without implying that PSing is inferior and making people defensive about their own parenting choices. My sister has slacked off quite a bit and now that our youngest are both in kindrgarten, it is pretty obvious what the differences are.

For the older bunch, grandmas and stuff, I think there is more disbelief that I wasn't doing the happy dance at the bustop when the kids got old enough to go to school. I think it is hard for people to understand how much I enjoy my children. As for people in the educatiom field, I personally have never met one that did not support my decision. Old or young, all the education professionals I have talked to are very saddened by the PS system.

The main complaint from my sister is the lack of socialization issue and that has just decreased with time. As they get older, she sees that they are not socially wapred. Plus, they were a little weird to start with, so no one expects them to be run of the mill kids!

[UnschoolnMa]

My MIL hates homeschooling, and she hates unschooling even more. (Well actually she hates unschooling, but in the next breath will say that no such thing exists...loads of fun that woman) I did the generic "This is what we think is best" route for a while with her, but when she kept at me about school I finally just told her all I thought about education. I taught in Pre-K and preschool for some time so she asked me if I wasn't abandoning my career ideals lol. Anyway long story short, after I felt pushed to really go into it she shut up. To me anyway... she still rambles on to other relatives about how crazy I am

My dad has been far more respectful, but he was pretty nervous about unschooling especially when we first started. "Do you think this is providing a well rounded education for the kids?" "Don't they need a science and math program?" "What about learning that the working world will have a schedule and rules?" etc. I am happy to answer his questions because they come from a genuinely concerned place, not just a judgemental one ya know?

I agree with Reader, if you feel like going further into why you are going to homeschool/unschool try and keep the emphasis on why your family is looking forward to it rather than what sucks about the education industry in this country.

[nicole lisa]

Granted I am still new to this, but when explaining it to family and friends I don't talk about the education system and its problems - I talk about DS and his needs. Everyone around us knows how we parent so I just talk about it being an extension of our parenting. They also know DS has a huge fantasy life right now so I emphasize this gift and the need we feel to protect and nurture it for as long as he needs and that is best accomplished at home with a less structured environment. School just wouldn't be a good fit for our little non-conformist. Everyone seems OK with that explanation. You don't have to trash the school system, because it works for a lot of kids out there. I have friends whose kids thrive at school. The deal is not all kids are the same, learn the same, and have the same needs so it makes sense to talk about how your child and school isn't a good fit; that way it doesn't attack the system or anyone else's decisions.

[Nurturing Mama]

I have been thinking about this issue as well. My son is nearly three, and I also have public school teachers in my family. I haven't had the conversation, yet, but I think I will temper my real thoughts about public school a little when the issue does arise. I have thought about saying something like,

"While we believe that public schools serve an important purpose in our society, we feel that homeschooling is best for our family. I realize that teachers face many obstacles in their classrooms (including large classes, apathetic parents and children, standardized tests, mandated curriculums, etc), and these are some of the reasons that we are going to homeschool."

I think it may help to sympathize with the teachers, who often truly love their work and strive to impart their knowledge, and to put the blame where it belongs, on a flawed system.

If they argue, I may explain some of my darker thoughts about public schools.

I agree with other posters that an explanation isn't necessary, but I don't really mind entering into a discussion about homeschooling.

Carrie

[Mere]

GREAT advice - thank you all so much! Keeping my explanation focused on the kids and on our family is exactly what I need to do. Nuturing Mama, I think what you wrote is perfect!

[eilonwy]

There are public and private school teachers among my friends and family, and they've been some of the most supportive when it comes to homeschooling. I've gotten comments from acquaintances which were decidedly negative, but those who know us well have always confided that they think we're doing the right thing by keeping the kids out of school. The most negative comment I've had from a family member was something along the lines of "I've seen kids really messed up by homeschooling, but you seem to know a lot more about what you're doing than their parents did." You can't really call that a ringing endorsement for homeschooling, but apparently I'm "allowed" to.

[crunchyconmomma]

posting just to subscribe (don't know how else to do it, anyone?) b/c you have some good info in here. thanks for letting me lurk!

[TiredX2]

However, I'm a little worried about my friend's reaction because both my mother and my mother-in-law are retired public elementary school teachers with Masters degrees in Education.

Honestly, my MILs stories from her experience teaching in public schools make me want to run the other way--- I think she feels the same.

[kymholly]

Originally Posted by Mere

In the end though, I want them to understand and be supportive...we are close to both sets of grandparents, and I don't want to create an antagonism where there was none before...

This sounds like a couple of different things to me. Whether or not they are understanding or supportive of your decision to hs, you can avoid having an antagonistic relationship. At the very worst, you will have to agree to disagree about this specific subject. As long as you remain respectful in your conversations, there's no need for antagonism.

I have found that most of the educators in my family have been most supportive. My mom's not impressed, but she doesn't really say anything negative. Surprisingly, my m-i-l was thrilled with our decision; she doesn't have much goodwill towards ps.

The best thing to remember is that time is on your side. If people are really giving you a hard time, tell them that you're going to take it one year at a time and re-evaluate your decision at the end of each school year. That somehow makes people feel less threatened if they think that you're willing to consider ps. The other thing working for you is your kids themselves. As time passes and the naysayers see that your kids are bright, articulate, well-socialized (with people of ALL ages!), they will be less likely to be critical of your decision.

Finally, believe in yourself and the validity of your decision to hs. You have every right to make this wonderful choice for you and your family. Of course, you also have the right to change your mind at some point in the future if that seems to be the right decision at another point in time.

Good luck!

[CerridwenLorelei]

well I am not as nice as the pp and if family members

who are NOT paying your bills and NOT raising your children make DEMANDS then in my case I would have a BIG problem
Quite frankly it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS period. Your family your choices

When/where is he going to school? why too is that strangers/families business ?
I understand general conversation but if you KNOW there is going to be trouble it becomes " that topic is not up for discussion. It is a family matter/decision." and move on ...

now not wanting to set up an antagonistic then use the pp 'its what we have decided for our family." There is no need for you to have to go into explanations or lesson plans or anything else ..

Often times it just gives them more fodder for why isn't he doing x yet ? or why doesn't she know this ? etc and to try and undermine you
Be firm and polite but stand your ground if you know they are going to come at you from the we are teachers you are not stance
Find a unschool support group in your area if you can and build a network ..

Ok getting off my high horse now....

[susienjay]

My mom and my mil are both teachers too. My mil just retired a couple years ago. My mom is still teaching. Both of them are extremely anti-homeschooling. My mil even told me that she isn't opposed to homeschooling just me homeschooling because I'm not a qualified teacher. I just don't talk about it with them. I give them the standard we feel this is what is best and then drop it. My mil got so bad at one point I had to have dh intervene and she has been at least reserved about it since then. (Every time she called she told me I was damaging her grandchildren for life ) My mom has not been as bad. I think she knows it will wreck our relationship if she says too much. I don't really know why either of them think public schools are so great. My mil retired early because she hated her job. My mom seems to enjoy teaching but she's been doing it for 36 years and it's the only job she's ever had and she frequently talks about troubles she is having with her students. She was talking to me on her cell phone on Sat and a parent called her on her regular phone. I could hear her get super upset in the background. Apparently one of the boys in her class had been inappropriately touching 2 of the girls in her class. The parents of the 2 girls had called the police. I'm sure incidents like this are out of the ordinary but every time I hear something like that I'm so glad I homeschool.

I'm still early in my homeschool journey and I think things will get easier as my kids get older and people can see that they are doing fine. I really think it is the first few years that are the hardest. Last year my dd was kindergarten and nobody really said much because K isn't mandatory. I think they thought I'd come to my senses after one year. This year has been the roughest so far with family pressure to enroll my dd in school. I think most everyone has given up at this point.

[riversprite_ca]

My father is a public school teacher (prior to that, he was a private school teacher) and when we started talking about our plans to homeschool our children when my first was about 2 or 3yrs, he was completely supportive and actually was GLAD that we were going to be!
You never know what the reaction will be.
Don't forget, that if your family members have never known many homeschoolers, it can be a very foreign concept. The unknown is sometimes scary, you know?

[grisandole]

My dh is a teacher, and so through him I've met many teachers and admin over the years, and none have ever said anything negative about hsing......they don't see it as a slam on them or their profession.

The inlaws are respectful and don't say much.

My family, on the other hand.......they hate that I homeschool, but they've long given up on saying anything to me about it.

Good luck!
Kristi