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Gender Variant/transgendered children - Page 3

post #41 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by dharmamama
Have you seen the movie Ma Vie en Rose? If not, you should. It's my favorite movie.

You rock. Your daughter is so extremely lucky.

Namaste!
OMG I thought I was the only person on this side of the planet who has seen this movie!!! I LOVE this movie and it has a great message. Should be required viewing for every parent!!! *going out to rent it again*
post #42 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by minkajane
Wow. That's all I can say. You are an absolutely amazing mom.
Minkajane, I'm only trying to do my best for Jem so she can grow up to be a happy and fulfilled woman (as far as is possible)

She is perfectly aware that she could never bear a child naturally : but she says she will adopt. When asked about perhaps being gay by the doctor she replied that she could never have sex with a man unless she could have it as a female. And she's looking forward to being a loving auntie to any kids Alison might have. : :

The kids are all in bed now; I read to them every night to settle them down and now I am finishing off the chores, or they are finishing off me

Morag
mum to Alison : Jemima Dugald : and Alasdair
post #43 of 65
Morag,
I am glad that you felt that you could share your story of Jem, as Jenn did of her dc.
I definately can see it as quite the thing to go through.

My partner turns 30 tomorrow, and is now transitionning (FTM). HE says he was a tom-boy as a child, and no one was surprised that he was a lesbian, and further, the more he thinks about it now, the more he realizes that he was always a boy. HE had 2 older sisters, and never played with their barbies, hair stuff, nor desired to wear their clothes. He had his trucks, sports-cards, GI Joe's, etc. There are other friends (FTMs) who don't do/like 'stereotypical' guy stuff, but know they are men, and not women.

You are not in a an easy position, and Jem is lucky to be as supported as she is -- within the family and at school.
That's all I wanted to say at this point, besides there is a thread on the queer parenting section regarding 'trans' issues. You are welcome to drop by there if you want. We don't bite! ;-)
-Michelle
post #44 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lula's Mom
My friend and I joked that they made a cute couple, but then more seriously marveled that we don't know yet what the future holds for our kids. They may be straight or gay, and we agreed that either way was fine with us.
DH and I are always talking about dd's future relationships (as many parents do) but instead of "when dd brings home her first boyfriend" it's "when dd brings home her first girlfriend or boyfriend" and I'm always quick to point out to anyone who assumes that my dd is straight that she may not be... she may bi bisexual or gay and that's just okay and normal too. My MIL thinks I'm crazy for this, but the odds of my dd being straight aren't that high. I'm bi, as is my sister, my mom and even *gasp* my dh (well ok, he prefers women but definately doens't have an aversion to men).

DH and I have never assumed our kids (or any kids for that matter) are straight and we try to teach that everyone is different and what matters most is that a person is comfy in their own skin and the only thing that matters in a romantic relationship is love.
post #45 of 65
Thanks for this thread, and I have so much respect for those who are on this particular parenting journey. There came a time with dd#1 when I knew I would be open to supporting whomever she is, however that might unfold. When I play out various scenarios in my mind and if I see her possibly facing strife, I feel fear though. So I try to stay in the moment and stop projecting, and trust that I will be able to give her whatever support she needs, if indeed she has gender identity issues. We also are careful with our language in our house-we don't assume she will fall in love with a man and don't ever want her to feel marginalized because that's the only equation that was presented in our house.
post #46 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleW
Morag,
I am glad that you felt that you could share your story of Jem, as Jenn did of her dc.
I definately can see it as quite the thing to go through.

You are not in a an easy position, and Jem is lucky to be as supported as she is -- within the family and at school.
That's all I wanted to say at this point, besides there is a thread on the queer parenting section regarding 'trans' issues. You are welcome to drop by there if you want. We don't bite! ;-)
-Michelle
Hi Michelle,
Thanks for your good wishes. Yes, it is a difficult time particularly as Jem will be starting puberty in a couple of years. The thing she dreads more than anything is that her voice will suddenly break on her, so we are hoping the doctor and the psychiatrist will arrange for her to be seen by an endocrinologist soon. The other thing she says is that she doesn't want to grow up to be a bearded lady!!!. She's a great kid and full of joie de vivre. We are lucky in that her best friend Nicky's mum used to be a child psychiatric nurse who had had a lot of experience with transkids. Jemma (as Nicky always calls her) has had a number of sleepovers at Nicky's house, and they share a bedroom with bunk beds and even have a bath together; Nicky is completely unphased that Jemma has a penis saying "not to worry it will be gone one day". They have a great time doing girly things together, playing with their dolls, doing each other's hair and experimenting with make-up—and they're always wearing each others clothes. Nobody watching them play could believe that they are not two perfectly normal little girls.

Good luck to you and your partner, Michelle, I hope all goes well for him. I've had a quick brouse through the "trans" thread and will post there sometime soon

Thanks again for your support

Morag
mum to Alison : Jemima Dugald : and Alasdair
post #47 of 65
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post #48 of 65
So, when does it change from just a little kid who wants to be just like his big sister to something more? My little guy is only 2, and he is a special needs kid, but he loves to wear dresses, night gowns, mary janes, wanted so badly to take ballet last fall (but was only 18 months old so he wasn't old enough) with DD, his favorite colour is purple, he doesn't care in the least about his cars, tools, sports toys family members have so helpfully given us...right now he is in love with strawberry shortcake and dora... DH and I have been telling people who protest (mostly his dad/step mom) that there are only two options here, either he outgrows it and sits on the couch yelling at the tv while watching "the game" with you guys, or he doesn't, and both options are fine with us, and we are his parents. I'm just wondering at what age do we decide this isn't just a phase...
post #49 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zyla
Morag ~ your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing. I have three children, all --outwardly -- boys. But my middle son, now 7, feels very strongly, deep in his heart, that he is a girl, and tells me that god and the angels made a mistake in giving him a boy's body.

>> he grew his hair long, would only wear girls panties, preferred dresses most days etc. The playacting subsided to a more normal early childhood level. As he's gotten older his feelings have intensified. River looks like a girl. It gives him a thrill to know that he can "pass" as a girl.
Hi Zyla,

<<<he grew his hair long, would only wear girls panties,>>>

I had this problem with Jemma. When we were still living in Scotland it wasn't a problem b/c little boys usually wear girls' gym knickers (panties)—very unglamourous in a very sombre navy blue—under their kilts to keep them decent, so he wore these when he was in "girl mode" at home. The problem came when we moved to england as she wanted to wear girls knickers all the time, even under her "boys" clothes she wore to school. I couldn't let her in case one of the boys discovered she was wearing girls' undies. Jemma is extremely pretty with long hair in a ponytail and I would defy anyone who didn't know to guess that she was anything other than a gorgeous wee girl. :

Good luck to you and River; does he have a more girly name yet?

It's great to know there are so many of us

Morag:
Mum to Alison, Jemima, Dugald : and Alasdair :
post #50 of 65
Wow, this thread is amazing. Thank you mamas for posting your stories here, you are inspiring and your kids are so courageous and strong and lucky to have you. It hurts my heart to think of all the kids out there whose parents would push them away, or try to control them, or silence them, or beat the crap out of them, or worse. Wishing you and your kids strength in your journeys.

ps "Ma vie en rose" is one of my favorite movies too!
post #51 of 65
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post #52 of 65
Oh, and Cinder, sorry I meant to reply to you ...

It may not sound helpful but ... you'll know. As a parent, you will know when it isn't just a phase (or if it is). There isn't a particular age to wait for ... You'll know by how your child behaves, and by what he says.
post #53 of 65
Your a wonderful mom!!!!
post #54 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by Morag
I am mum to Alison (11) James (10) Dugald (7) & Alasdair (6). I am a widow, my husband having been killed 5 years ago.
My problem is with James; when he was two and a half he proclaimed in a loud voice that he was a girl. At the time we lived in Scotland, and he insisted on wearing a kilt like his big sister and playing only with her dolls and barbies. Every time we suggested his (blonde) hair should be cut we got tantrums, so we thought "what the h*ll" he’s only wee and lots of wee boys have longish hair. Then he started to "borrow" Alison’s dresses and even if they were an inch or so too long, he looked like an adorable little girl. My husband & I thought it was just a phase, but he was constantly telling me that "God had given him the wrong body". A year and a bit later when he went to nursery school there was still no change he insisted on wearing his kilt. With his bobbed hair, he was constantly mistaken for a wee lassie. At nursery school he played only with the girls and adored their dress-up hamper. One day he took off his kilt and replaced it with a pink tutu and refused to take it off when it was time to go home. I promised it would be returned the next day, but it was a Friday and he wore it all weekend, and I was able to get him back into his kilt on the Monday. We bought ‘normal’ boys’ clothes, shorts, dungarees, etc for him, but he hated wearing them. When asked why, he replied they were boys’ clothes and as he was a girl he shouldn’t wear them. We explained that girls often wear boys’ things, pointing to his dungaree-clad elder sister. All he said was that he didn’t want people to think he was a boy. It was about this time that Dugald was born, and rather than argue with James we tended to let him have his way.
We had consulted our doctor about Jem and he had referred us to a child psychiatrist who assured us that he would probably grow out of it very soon, but there was an outside possibility that he was Gender Dysphoric—this was the first time I had come across the term.
When I was expecting Alasdair we moved to England. We lived in the country and didn’t have any very close neighbours which was a blessing as far as James’s behaviour was concerned. Shortly after the move Hamish was killed while abroad on business.
They, thank goodness seemed to be showing the signs of being normal boys. Before his father’s death James had decided that he didn’t like being called James and chose the name Jemima (after the duck in Beatrix Potter’s story), which we shortened to Jem as this is a fairly common shortening of James. I was now the breadwinner, although Hamish had been wise and left us reasonably well provided for.
Soon after settling in England we consulted our new doctor and she sent us to see another child psychiatrist who told us the same thing, but asked us to keep in touch.
The time had come for Jem to go to Primary School, and there was no way (s)he could go as a girl and he couldn’t wear a kilt to school in England—it would be asking for trouble. We had tantrums, tantrums and more tantrums as well as pitiful tears. He said he wanted to cut off his penis so he wouldn’t have a boy’s body any more. In the end he agreed that he would wear boys’ clothes to school and he could become Jemima as soon (s)he got home. I compromised by dressing him in clothes that could be worn by either boys of girls, but he preferred if they were in more "girly" colours. His hair was still in a longish bob and several of the other kids couldn’t decide what (s)he was as he always gravitated towards the girls and played with them. Alison was at the same school (a year ahead of Jem) and she kept an eye on her/him to make sure (s)he didn’t get bullied. Jem soon made friends with another girl (Nicola) and they became best friends; I soon discovered that they were born on the same day and they told me they were probably twins. When Jem told Nicky that (s)he was really a girl trapped in a boy’s body, Nicky said that she always felt (s)he was a girl. When Nicky comes to play Jem always wears girl’s clothes ((s)he has her own now) and Nicky decided her best friend should be called Jemma.
Now Jem(ma) is 10 and she’s getting worried that her voice will break one day and she doesn’t want this to happen. She is so obviously a girl in thoughts and behaviour it. She knows all about S.R.Surgery and is determined that that is what she wants eventually. But most of all she wants to live as a girl all time and go to school as a girl. (S)he takes after Hamish in one way in that (s)he is very sporting and plays netball in a mixed team at school (Alison and Nicky are in the team too). The only thing that spoils it for her is that that she’s not allowed to wear a netball skirt, although on April 1st she and the other boy in the team both wore girls’ netball kit as an April Fool joke on their netball teacher. She thought they looked great and said that they should always wear girls’ kit; this was fine for Jem, but the other boy said "No Way" very loudly. That day they were playing against an all-girl team and I don’t think their opponents realised there were 2 (well, one, I suppose!) boys playing against them. I had always loved playing netball and carried playing on as an adult; Jem and Alison often came with me to watch me and Jem wanted to play so much.
In a year’s time Jem will have to go to secondary school, and I can see there will be problems. Jem wants to live full time as a girl and go to school as a girl. At his present school most of the other kids seem to think of her as if she was a girl. The headmistress knows of her problem and she and the other teachers keep a close eye open in case of bullying or name-calling.
I would like her to have some puberty-blocking drug (HRT?) to delay puberty until (s)he is old enough to know if she really wants to go ahead with it. For the last seven and a half years she has been a girl at home. My mum is fully convinced that Jem should have been a girl and is very supportive. Alison, too is convinced and is very protective of her "brister". The only thing she objects to is Jem borrowing her knickers (panties in the US) without asking!
If we lived in Holland things would be easier as they seem to be much more sensible about things like this.
I discovered this site on Google and found Jenn (ThisTimeLifeMother)’s post rang a number of bells. I would love to know how things are going with your number 2 girl.

Morag
I love reading your story. And to Jem and to you for being so supporting!!!
post #55 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder
So, when does it change from just a little kid who wants to be just like his big sister to something more? My little guy is only 2, and he is a special needs kid, but he loves to wear dresses, night gowns, mary janes, wanted so badly to take ballet last fall (but was only 18 months old so he wasn't old enough) with DD, his favorite colour is purple, he doesn't care in the least about his cars, tools, sports toys family members have so helpfully given us...right now he is in love with strawberry shortcake and dora... DH and I have been telling people who protest (mostly his dad/step mom) that there are only two options here, either he outgrows it and sits on the couch yelling at the tv while watching "the game" with you guys, or he doesn't, and both options are fine with us, and we are his parents. I'm just wondering at what age do we decide this isn't just a phase...
Hi Cinder,

My experience is that I thought it was just a phase until it was obvious that Jemma still was insisting that she was a "girl trapped in a boy's body" at the age of 5. I had already sought professional help, and had been told, glibly, "oh, it's just a phase all wee boys go through."

My advice is not to worry yet—in fact if your little guy does turn out to be transgendered, don't worry even then. Just do aall you can to help your child grow to be a delightful little girl.

What does your DD think about it? I found that Alison somehow sensed that Jemma was different quite early on. Female intuition, I suppose

Morag

mum to Alison (11) Jemima (10) Dugald (7) and Alasdair (6)
post #56 of 65
edited to say-I posed a question that probably doesn't need to stay in print-hopefully the universe will provide the answer soon.
post #57 of 65
Wow. You're saving your daughter a possible lifetime of pain and emotional anguish by being so accepting and loving and by guiding her through this. Good for you.
post #58 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by guerrillamama
Wow, this thread is amazing. Thank you mamas for posting your stories here, you are inspiring and your kids are so courageous and strong and lucky to have you. It hurts my heart to think of all the kids out there whose parents would push them away, or try to control them, or silence them, or beat the crap out of them, or worse. Wishing you and your kids strength in your journeys.
yeah, that! You all are amazing, as are your kids.
post #59 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finch
Wow. You're saving your daughter a possible lifetime of pain and emotional anguish by being so accepting and loving and by guiding her through this. Good for you.
Thank you, Finch, and all you MDC mums for all your support and encouragement.
It is only natural that Jemma's "problem" occupies my mind a lot of the time, but I have to make sure that my 3 "normal" kids get a fair crack of the whip as well. Alison is wonderful, so supportive and helpful, and so encouraging to Jemma, treating her just as tho she was a real little girl. The boys, being younger, find it difficult to understand why their elder "brother" wants to be a sister, but they love her just as much as Alison and I do.
I showed Jemma this thread and she was very touched and rushed off to write something on her iBook. She brought it to me and has asked me to post her message to you. (she wanted it in pink—her fave colour— but it didn't show up so well)

Hi, this is Jemma and I want to say thank you for all your kind messages. It is so uinfair that I am trapped in a boy’s body, and what I want more than anything is to be able to be a girl all the time. I hate having to go to school as a boy, but my best friend Nicky and the girls in my year are very kind and let me be one of them. The boys dont take much notice of me now, but they used to be horrid to me and made me cry 1 or 2 are still mean and call me names but Alison, Nicky and the girls chase them away. Alis is a brill sister and doesn't mind me borrowing her clothes so long as I ask. Mummy's brilliant too and so is Nicky’s mum who helps me lots. I love them so much. lots of love from Jemma

She's at school just now, being an unwilling boy until she comes home and can be herself again.

When this term (semester) is over we shall go to Scotland to stay with my mum for our holiday. She has a friend with a house on the west highland coast who is letting us have it for six weeks. It will be wonderful for Jemma because she will be able to be herself all the time and nobody will know that she is not what she appears to be.

Thank you all for your kind good wishes

Morag
Mum to Alison Jemima Dugald : and Alasdair :
post #60 of 65
Jemima! Lots of loves!

There was a bit on the news this morning about a 5-year-old girl who was born a boy. The school refused to allow her to go to school as a girl, even though she and her parents had known for a long time that she was a girl. Unfortunately, most of the responses were negative "They don't know at that age" and whatnot. There were a few supportive ones.

It's so sad that children are given so little credit. They know who they are and who they're not. Why can't we just accept them at their word? If my DS decides that he wants to be a girl for a week, fine, he can wear dresses and be a girl. If he figures out that he really is a girl, fine, he's a girl. Taylor is my child no matter what gender. Why does it have to be so defined?
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