does therapy really work?

[Lisa Lubner]

salaam

i have anger issues... i yell at my son. i say mean, horrible things to him. i really don't want to, but i just get in these fits of rage and it all comes pouring out. i always apologize afterwards and do my best to make him feel better... my parents verbally abused me, so i know what if feels like and how much it hurts. but i don't want to do this to him ever, and i know i need help.

the thing is though, i have a very strong distrust of therapists in general. when i was in high school, my parents tricked me into going to a therapist by telling me it was "family therapy"... when we got there, the lady immediately turned to me and asked me why i didn't do my homework. she didn't ask anyone else in the family a single question. after she was done drilling me, she pulled my parents aside and told them i wasn't doing my homework because i was "getting back at them for something". :

another time, when i was pregnant with my son... my mother and grandmother pulled me to a therapist after they failed to convince me to have an abortion. i was pressured (in front of my husband and mother and this complete stranger) to talk about very PRIVATE stuff.

both of these situations were completely unhelpfull, and left me feeling angry and totally exposed and embarrassed. this is the reason i haven't been back, but i am willing to give it another go if there is a chance that it will help me.

has anyone had any success in this sort of thing? are there options other than therapy?

[jmreinke]

My first suggestion when reading about your struggles would be to do therapy. But, after reading your experiences, I can completely understand your concerns and hesitancy.

But, there is one big difference this time... YOU are in control. You get to decide if you like a certain therapist and what you talk about and the pace of everything. That is very different than being dragged by whomever and forced to talk about things you don't want to talk about. A good therapist will help you to feel safe with them by gently pushing you, but also respecting where you are at. A good therapist will let you say "that is far enough, I need to talk about something else for a while".

I DO think that therapy would be good for you. It will give you a safe place to vent your frustrations, to work through your childhood issues, and give you concrete ways to change your behaviour with your son.

I'm sure there are some good self-help books on anger management as well that you could look at. They might be able to help get you started in the right direction.

I do think that therapy can work, but it starts with find a therapist that you can work with - a therapist that is an support for you in your healing, and one you can trust. Again, remember that this time in therapy, it would be totally different. YOU are in control.

HTH!

[babybugmama]

I think Janette said it well...I think you were betrayed not only by family but by those therapists. It's just not right to allow a person to be served up like that without informed consent.

Anyway, I do think it would help. There are lots of things that can give you short term strategies to cope with your anger and then a time and a way to address the deeper issues.

love yourself

[SmilingChick]

The right therapist can do wonders. Most are trustable and professional. You owe it to your son; an apology won't undo the damage done from verbal abuse. I am not saying this to make you feel bad, but b/c I know 1st hand how it is to be treated like that as a child when you have no idea what is going on.
My father was awful to me as a child b4 he stopped drinking. He took my dogs into my bedroom with a knife and locked the door, saying he was going to kill them b/c I'd been "bad" when I was 6. He made me pack a suitcase at age 7 and drove in the car for 1/2 hour saying he was taking me to a home for bad kids, the list goes on and on. As an adult, I tend to be unassertive, always thinking people are mad at me. I see where these learned behaviors came from, but even at 30, they are hard to change - almost like instincts.
Sometimes when my own temper flares I just have to walk away, and it's really hard when a good yell would relieve my tension. But dd doesn't deserve it.
The fact that you want to help yourself means a lot. Good Luck.

[MsMoMpls]

I don't trust therapists either. And I am one. There are a lot of bad and ineffective therapists out there. I agree that the biggest difference is you are in control. You are hiring someone for a very specific job. If you don't like them, fire them. Two things that might help- an anger management group. It is much less intimdating and personal, just a bunch of people learning how to handle anger better. It really could help. I am actually thinking of creating a group just for mothers of young kids because this anger problem is such a problem for most of us. The other thing you could consider is a group called Emotions Annon. It is kind of like AA but about handling your feelings. It is free and of course annonomous so you might feel better about this.

Of course having a therapist that you do trust, that really understands you, can be wonderful. I adore my clients. I just had a client tell me she wished I would adopt her. (I told her I see her more often than most of my family!) The therapists who have helped me when I was struggling with my own parenting still have a warm place in my heart as well. If you didn't get the right parenting, finding a therapist to give you what we call a "restorative relationship" is fantastic. But given your horrible experience with us therapists, I give you huge credit for even considering it again.

[PancakeGoddess]

i agree what what others have said here. i was fortunate to find a very good therapist who has helped me improve my parenting so much - he helped me overcome the legacy of hitting in my family - it was hard work but one of my greatest accomplishments in life. You CAN do it!
Figure out what you want in a therapist and interview several. It really helps.

[boomingranny]

howdy,

I found that the therapy that helped me the most was group/anger workshop and bio-feedback training. I was lucky to have a good therapist for that. I learned how to monitor my physiological responses to stress (if you do Yoga this is a great paralell therapy) as well as CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It's very pragmatic. Analyzing your gut reactions, recognizing patterns and "voices". Not a lot of regurgitation of the past, but focusing on behavior modification for the present and future. What was also nice, was the beginning of the session I would just talk about what was making me anxious. She was very helpful putting things in perspective without a lot of extraneous analysis.

Good luck.

[theycallmelisa]

sorry you had such bad experiences with therapy, but i believe with the right therapists, it DOES work. The tricky part is exactly that though; finding a good therapist.

Going for therapy for anger issues, id imagine you'd be going by yourself. Instead of how its been in the past, where someone has forced you to go, and your info was being unwillingly shared with others, you going alone to work this out on your own with the help of a professional is definitely a step in the right direction, and it may be more comfortable, since youre not in the same position re: therapy you've been in the past.

An alternative to one on one therapy would be an anger management class, have you looked into if there is any in your area?

[GeezerMom]

I know this is an older thread, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about your awful experiences w/therapists. There ARE so many jerks out there - one therapist I saw used to yawn continually during our sessions! Another one didn't notice that I'd signed in & was waiting next to the ubiquitous fish tank & he left for lunch (after leaving several messages on my home phone berating me for not showing up!). Clowns!

But I have to say, one therapist I saw made all the difference in the world. I hope you can find someone like that for yourself.

You asked if there's anything else you can do for yourself - I'd say yes, in some instances. Because therapy alone didn't heal me. It did set things into motion, and I'm not sure those things would've happened w/out it, but the other changes I made in my life were equally important. Things like pursuing my passions and mending my relationship w/my mother. Some people also find that exercise really helps alleviate their depression.

One other thing to keep in mind - you may already know this, but there are a whole lot of different types of people who can give therapy. There are PhDs and MDs, and also LCSWs and PsyDs. Some of them subscribe to certain methodologies (good/bad) and some do not.

The therapist I liked so much said that the main determining factor in how successful therapy will be is the amount of experience the therapist has had. Newbies are not a good thing. He was in his 50s at the time, and remarked that he'd screwed up plenty of people when he first started practicing!