Loneliness

[MamaFae]

Ok we just moved to the PDX area last July and as much as I have tried I just can't seem to connect with anyone. I love being at home with my kids and I do not want to work outside the home, it is too stressful for me and the kids right now. Not to mention the cost of childcare.

Anyway anyone else go through bouts of the blues from being alone with kids all day? In Texas I had regular playdates and activites and friends, now I am all alone except for DH.

He leaves for CA on Sun. and will be gone for a week and I am feeling very very alone and dread his leaving. Any suggestions?

I was thinking of story times or other activites for the kids to keep us busy, but I go to these things and still feel very alone. I am not sure if it is the pregnancy, the move, or what!

Guess I just needed to whine a bit.

Blessings,
N~

[QueenMommy]

I know I'm new and don't know you, but *hugs*

I think it is probably a combination of the move and your pregnancy. I do sometimes get a little blue because I don't get out much. Although I don't mind going out alone, I don't often get to do it because I do have the kids. Have you tried looking for a playgroup in your new area and it just didn't work out? Anyway, I can be an online buddy for you if you'd like. I'm usually home anyways! lol!

Jenn

[HelloKitty]

Yep that's me. I'm new to being a SAHM (the last three months) and I haven't made any other SAHM friends or joined any playgroups yet. I actually am suppose to be starting up a Moms Club in this area but I'm having trouble finding a place to host the meetings. It seems to be taking forever to get things started and in the meantime, I'm pretty lonely.

[mmace]

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I've been there at times myself. As your kids get older and involved in more activites, you'll find new friends. Keep being friendly to people, and hopefully soon you'll find someone you connect with.

[Patchfire]

I feel that way, too. I've been involved in the same mothers' group for four years now, and still I'm not really sure there are people in it who I could pick up the phone and count on outside from activities planned with the group (and currently I'm even the leader!). I've done all 'right' things that you're supposed to do - join groups, get involved, be friendly - but the truth of the matter is, a lot of people already have their 'mommy friends' and don't seem interested in making another.

I keep plugging along though - somewhere out there, there's someone who is just DYING to be my friend... she just doesn't know it yet! :LOL

[hlkm2e]

I felt the same way at first. It took me a while before I realized I was going to have to be a little more aggressive in making friends. I found a local group on yahoo and went to a ton of storyhours and tried to make meetups there. It was hard and it took over a year to finally have some friends. I also got used to being alone a lot. That is the hardest part. It is also really hard for other people to understand.

[TEAK's Mom]

I'm like Hellokitty, I've only been a sahm since babylady was born in August (I worked part time after TEAK was born ) and I'm lonely. Patchfire, I keep telling myself that there is a mama friend out there for me.

Like many of you, I go to storytimes and the open kid gym and I'm friendly and helpful, but everyone with a 3 year old already has their mama friends and it's hard to break in. I keep hoping.

[charmarty]

Originally Posted by TEAK's Mom

I'm like Hellokitty, I've only been a sahm since babylady was born in August (I worked part time after TEAK was born ) and I'm lonely. Patchfire, I keep telling myself that there is a mama friend out there for me.

Like many of you, I go to storytimes and the open kid gym and I'm friendly and helpful, but everyone with a 3 year old already has their mama friends and it's hard to break in. I keep hoping.

I have found the same thing. My dd's are 4.5 now, but when we first moved out here, it was really hard.

I do have a bigger circle of friends now. It does get a bit easier.

[GoodWillHunter]

It takes time to get to know people. I did meet up with three wonderful women that I met here on Mothering. It gets better. I remember days when I just sobbed my heart out because I was "alone". People would say, " you have your kids, you're not alone" and I felt even more alone with the kids than I did when they were gone somewhere.

[Wilhemina]

I'll bet we've all felt that way at times. I suggest you make a schedule for the week your dh will be gone. YK, outings, movie times, shopping trips, art activities, whatever y'all do. Sometimes I think facing an empty day is like facing an empty canvas - just hard to get moving.

[Messac888]

Count me in- but for different reasons. I have lived in Milwaukee my entire life and I really do like it here (although we're planning to eventually move to the country-ish area at some point). I have actively tried making mom friends, or at least gotten my ds some playmates, but I have yet to be successful. I don't know why, but I always seem to scare other moms away!

I am in a mixed marriage (dh is mulatto, I am white, kids are beautiful). I look to be about 14 with 2 kids. Even if I looked my age, I'm only 24. I attachment parent. My family is the love of my life- and I think it bothers people sometimes that I don't work.

One time I took my ds to a park, he was 1 1/2, and I was pregnant with dd. After having a full hour-long conversation with another momma (our boys were playing together) I said to her, "You know, the kids seem to be having fun playing together. Maybe sometimes we could get them together again for a play date or something?" She looked at me like I suddenly grew horns, gathered her things and her kid, said, "No, I don't think that'll work out," and left the park.

I don't know what happens, but people ALWAYS have this reaction to me- I get glared at for NIP, for looking young and having 2 kids, for being in a biracial marriage, I have had people come to me and ask my age, ask if my kids are mine or if I'm babysitting (to which I reply, "Yes, I took off school to babysit"), and one rude beeyatch had the nerve to ask where my "baby's daddy" was.

Needless to say, I've finally given up and begun embracing my lonliness. (I even tried getting together with MDC mommas, who all know each other and seem to be in they're little clique, so my efforts are pointless by now.) I find that, when I stop thinking about how lonley I am and start paying attention to the fact that my ds is feeling the same way, I get down and play with him harder, play with him longer, play with him more and we have a blast- and I feel valued and I know he does too. I love my kids and am lucky to get to stay home with them each and every day. I hate being lonely, but as long as I keep everyone busy, we don't feel it as much.

[indie]

I've totally felt that way too. We moved to a new area shortly after dd was born and the one friend I knew here just moved recently so I feel really alone. The only people we know here are childless. I also don't have a car so a lot of times its impossible to get out and even try to meet people. Its so depressing sometimes. I do plan to buy a car soon and I hope to be able to meet some people. We are also trying to find a church and hopefully will be able to meet some people that way.

[janerose]

Yes, I've definitly felt this way at times. There are times when I'd love to get out of the house & visit someone, but just don't really have anywhere to go or anyone to hang out with. We're moving back to my hometown this summer & a big part of why I wanted too was to reconnect with the community there. I'm really looking forward to being near my best friend again, rejoining my church, plus being near all my family (we'll be living next door to my Mom), and probably going back to college. Although I have my doubts about how many friends I'll make at college given how different out lifestyles will be.

I'm sure it also doesn't help that I'm sort of shy with new people too and don't really relish going to things like story hours, playgroups, etc.

Just wanted to say . Hey, there is always MDC!

Holly

[delicious]

count me in for being lonely! i have some friends and stuff and my dh works at home but i never feel like i truely connect with anyone else (outside of dh...)

it seems like when i get together with people for playdates, i'm constantly nursing, changing a diaper, taking someone to the potty, etc.

[musingmama]

yeah I definitely get lonely, but I've always been an outsider my whole life, due to various circumstances, like my mom and I moving every year or so during childhood, so I am used to lonliness. I do have a friend here who lives close by but it seems like when we get together for playdates (we have dc the same age) half the time is interacting with them, getting them their snacks, water, etc. and so not much time for sustained conversation. I guess that will get easier as my ds gets older.
I feel isolated cause I don't get much time to be out in the world by myself, I always treasured my alone time to see a movie, go to a bookstore, go draw in a park, etc. so the lack of time for myself is what really gets to me. When dh takes ds out at night or during the weekends, my "breaks" always seem to include cleaning up, vacuuming, etc. I do take some time for myself then (like to take a shower!!!!) but it seems to go too quickly. Don't get me wrong, I love being a SAHM with my ds, but the lack of adult interaction and time for myslef does get lonely.....

[Autumnschild]

It must be hard with the combination of pregnancy and a new location and all. I was really lonely too when I decided to become a SAHM. I kept trying to go out with my old aquaintances who just wanted to have fun and I couldn't handle going out at night then waking early with baby, so I gave up on them. I realized they never called me and we no longer had much in common. It made me sad and so lonely. I started taking dd1 to playgroup when she turned 18 months. It wasn't until a year later that I realized I had developed new friendships with other moms there. I take her to the library storytimes, but none of the moms there even look my way. I saw a group of moms meeting at the park on Fridays. They wore their babies in slings and I knew I could find some common ground there, so I hung out and made small talk and eventually made friends there too. Dd1 is a spirited child and is a great ice-breaker. Many a conversation has been spawned by her antics. If it were up to me, I'd have a harder time approaching people. It got easier for me over time. Hopefully it will get easier for you too.

[TEAK's Mom]

In a sad way, it makes me feel better to know that others feel the same. Now, if only there were a way for all of us lonely mamas to keep each other company in real life...

[abac]

Originally Posted by delicious

i never feel like i truely connect with anyone else

I feel this way too. Even when I DO meet people, I feel like I have nothing in common with them.

Originally Posted by Messac888

I look to be about 14 with 2 kids. Even if I looked my age, I'm only 24.

I'm with you. I'm 27 and look about 16. I still get carded at the LC, (only have to be 19 here.) I used to be a substitute teacher a couple years ago and while in the hallway, a teacher came up to me and told me to get back to class.

I find it helps to make a point of making friends with non-mamas. It's nice to have conversatons that aren't about kids and my husband works with lots of other men with nice wives.

[tinybutterfly]

's to all the mamas here. BTDT...and you know I've heard it takes 18 months to settle in from a move.

I've moved alot and had a good strong support group of mama friends in only two of the places I've lived. I had a loose connection of sorts in a couple of other places...and some places I was just alone.

I does take awhile to make friends, but do keep working at it and good luck!

Here, I had a little group of moms I knew from volunteering at the school and that was nice while it lasted. As the kids have gotten older we don't see each other like we did before and I am the only one left who is a sahm now. I try to keep busy and find things to do that I enjoy.

We don't have any family nearby, so on week-ends we tend to do things just the 4 of us when we can...nothing major...a movie now and then, a trip into the nearest city for a museum or the health food store, pizza and a DVD at home, etc.

We are still looking for a church home, too.

[onlyzombiecat]

I'm sure it is a combination of the move and pregnancy.
Maybe while your dh is gone you could plan some special activities or call your family/friends. Maybe try to learn something new during that time- a new hobby.

I get lonley sometimes although I don't really want a super packed social life either. We just moved to a new state and are in a rural area now and I am still lost on how to meet people. Everyone I meet online & click with lives some distance away. I kind of feel like I will always be an outsider no matter where I am.