Loneliness - Page 2

[MamaFae]

Originally Posted by TEAK's Mom

In a sad way, it makes me feel better to know that others feel the same. Now, if only there were a way for all of us lonely mamas to keep each other company in real life...

So true!

Thank you everyone for your hugs and support! It helps to know that I am not the only one out there who has trouble adjusting.

After a lot of soul searching I think I have figured out at least part of my problem. I love my friends back in TX so much and there is such a great connection with them that I am almost afraid to make new friends. I am worried that no matter what I do I won't find that interdependence and understanding that I had before. So because of my fear I am sending out major "don't mess with me" vibes! I am also afraid of attracting the kind of friends I had pre-kids who were very using and took way more than they gave.

I spent sometime this weekend while DH was home in a warm tub and really gave myself a pep talk of sorts. I consentrated on opening myself up to the right people. I consentrated on the qualities I have to give in friendship and sending those out in hopes to bring the same qualities back to myself in friendship with another. I don't know if it will work, but I know I feel better.

I still feel lonely, but I now realize that I am the only one who can change that. Getting down and playing with my boys has helped. It has helped me renew my commitment to being at home with them, and that it is only for a short while in the grand scheme of things.

Thanks again everyone and big to you all!

Blessings,
N~

[bwylde]

I feel this way too : . I just can't seem to make friends!! I know someone who moved into town and within a month had a dozen friends. I go to all the same things, associate with the same groups but people just don't seem to want anything to do with me . I've tried reaching out to other moms when out (despite my shyness), which has got me no where. Well, I did my part so that's all I can do. I know some of it has to do with the fact I'm overweight and AP/crunchy, so I'm "weird".

[provocativa]

Our culure isolates moms, I think. I have lost all of my closest friends since I became a parent. 2 moved away, one became an addict while I was pregnant, one kept making excuses, it seemed because she could no longer smoke in my house (I used to smoke), and I finally gave up trying on her. So I think I feel even worse than if I'd moved and had no friends. My only mamafriend lives too far out in the country for me to visit often. I worked second shift before dd, so I would go out late at night and all my casual friends have that schedule still, while I became diurnal as soon as the pregnancy hormones hit me. I am an alternamama, and I don't want to talk to snotty moms in the park, who always seem afraid of me, or seem to think I'm immoral because I have a nose ring. I used to feel worthless, but now I just try to enjoy the time with my daughter. I think about starting a playgroup, but then my house would have to be clean. . . . I do feel pathetic when I'm the one talking too much to the sales clerk, because she's an adult voice.

[MamaFae]

Originally Posted by provocativa

Our culure isolates moms, I think. ........
........
I do feel pathetic when I'm the one talking too much to the sales clerk, because she's an adult voice.

OMG that is so me! DH always gets embarrassed because I tend to talk to everyone while we are out and about.

And I agree that mothers are isolated by the very nature of the job we do, as well as the society. Part of the problem is that in previous decades people did not move far away from home and stayed close to the larger extended family unit. There would be interaction with the parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins from many generations almost on a daily basis. Now we as families are spread all over the country often so far apart that they only affordable way to visit is via email or the phone and that just doesn't do it. The nature of our economy forces a lot of people to move to work or follow their trade/job to new locations more often than before. I read somewhere that the average worker today changes jobs at least once every 2 years! That is so different than years past where people stayed at the same place for 10,15,20 or longer years.

This is the source of my families problems. I would like nothing better than to move to be nearer my family or my husbands. Either would suit me just fine since I adore my MIL. But there is no work for the Tech Industry that my husband works in anywhere near relatives. As a matter of a fact we moved away from his mom with the industry went south in FLA. The moved from TX to OR for the same reason. We are tied to his line of work and that sucks.

When I look at the future and see my children growing up only knowing their grandparents via emails, phone calls, and iffy once a year visits I get really sad. DH and I have taken a long hard look at what we can do to change this and how we can move back to where our family is. The problem is that I hate the Midwest and won't move back there (too close-minded and I have had enough of snow!), and Fla is so touristy! Where we were in TX we were a days drive from most of our family. So that is what we are shooting for, heading back to Austin, and the friends we left behind to come to OR. So now we are concentrating on finding new occupations that will allow us to move back. I say we because I going to start Doula training in Sept. and then go on to Midwifery school. He is going back to school for graphic design. Lots more opportunities for him in that field.

So being proactive about changing our location and circumstances helps the lonliness a lot.

Blesssings,
N~

[willowsmom]

I am also very lonely where I am. I live in Lubbock, TX (west Texas)...it's a very mainstream, wasteful community. I'm a social person and NEED adult interaction (I like to call it "Adult Entertainment" :LOL) Ken works 40 hours a week...and it's just me and the girl. There is a LLL out here...but the moms aren't...well...they don't value the things that I do...and we clash on a lot.

Someday we'll be able to move out of this he**hole...and then...maybe I'll find some MDC mommas in my town then.

to you all!
Jenn

[rado]

If I were in PDX still I'd be your buddy. PS - If you haven't gone to Sauvie Island, GO. It's beautiful and it will lift your spirit. Nice place to picnic with kiddos. Crystal Springs Rhodedendron Garden is nice too. Lots to do in PDX and great Central Library if you haven't checked it out yet. They have Saturday music concerts (free) that kiddos might enjoy as well.I just moved to NY from PDX last summer for dh's grad program. DD is almost a year now. It's been tough.....long, long winter and missing my friends back home. And yes, we SAHMS get isolated, I can see it when I go to the mall for dd's clothes or whatever, you can see the mamas out and about and most of them probably are out there just because they need out of the house. It's so odd how you can love your child so much, yet still feel lonely....it actually causes me great guilt that this is so.
I think we're maybe in a predicament partly b/c in the past, moms didn't have the TIME that we do. Maybe we aren't meant to stay home and fill the whole day with child-centered activities all by ourselves....maybe a more natural state of affairs would be, for instance, like one you'd find on a working farm. The whole family participating in shared endeavors, working, learning and playing together. Not dad out in the "world", mom at home with kids all day. I personally miss the sense of accomplishment that work provides, but I want to be with my daughter, in fact the thought of leaving her is absolutely unbearable to me. There is no way however to get much non-parenting "work" done when you're by yourself. (for me, writing and other creative pursuits, as well as reading, are part of what I define as work. When I can't read the paper I start to feel adrift and isolated!) And we need human (adult) interaction, I've definitely found that out.

[kayleesmom]

i know how u feel mama

hi mamas
i know how u all feel. i live in MA near NH and i find that people around here are very cold towards others. i have heard that ma people are people that like go about their business and not be bothered. we take my duaghter to gymboree on weekend. have u looked into www.meetups.com
they have sahm groups all over the place. some are active and some arent. i havent been to any meetings. but one day when i decide to conquer my loneliness i will venture out to a meeting.

check it out mamas
'big hugs

[Intuition]

I am incredibly lonely, as well. We moved here in September, and I still have not met a mum who will talk to me for an extended period of time. This is a very small town with one playgroup that is expensive to go to. I started going there when we moved, and I felt like such an outcast. The mothers who live here seem to be a lot older than me, and have put their careers on hold while they have their children. They are often shocked that I don't have a career, that we don't own a home, and that we live on such a small income. I stopped going when I could no longer stand them looking down their noses at me. It sucks, because I am a very friendly person, and very good with people, yet shy. It takes a lot of effort for me to approach someone, and when I get shot down it is extremely hurtful.

I've been taking DS to the park, and it's the same thing. Basically I just try to focus on him and kind of get into my own zone. The parks are fairly empty since this is a middle to high income place to live, and there aren't many families around. Lately, I've been really sad for DS, who has no friends, and the guilt is really setting in since he now has some serious speech/language delays. I've wanted to sign him up for activities, but it's just too expensive. Unfortunately, DH takes the car to work, so I can't even drive into the city for a change.

I do wish my family could visit more often, but it's very expensive for my sisters to visit, and my parents are caring for three small foster children, so they can't leave the island. None of my previous friends have children, and most of them live far away.

Honestly, depression is hitting me hard. I often find I lack motivation to do anything, and I'm really trying to fight it, but have found it very difficult. If we had the money to move into the city, my DH would do it in a heartbeat, but right now it's just not feasible. So I'm biding my time, trying to keep DS entertained. DH moved here to begin a fantastic career, so I know that soon the money will be coming in, and it will get easier. Then we can move.

I'm really glad this forum exists, and that I had the chance to read this thread tonight. It's wonderful to know we're not alone.

[Sarah'sMama]

I want to give each and every one of you mamas a big

So much of wht you all have shared has really resonated with me. The isolation, lack of family nearby etc. I, too, really feel isolated sometimes. I totally agree with the poster who mentioned older times when everyone was so near to their extended families. It is really sad. We don't live near either of our families. I get so sad too, thinking of how my children will grow up knowing their grandparents/aunts/uncles through short visits and phone calls.

I sure hope you all can find some friends andpeople to talk to. s

[Linda on the move]

Well, if we all lived in the same city I would invite you all over for a playdate and have everyone bring a healthy snack and then all our lovely AP children could play in peace and harmony and we could sit around and chat. We just moved to a new city, too, and I don't have friends here yet.

[thistle]

I live in a crunchy city thast has a huge AP group. I went to meetings for like 3 years, even started going while I was pregnant and I still didn't make any frineds. The group here is so yuppie, I don't fit in. I did all the things I ws supposed to, even hosted potlucks, but no frineds.

I wish GWH lived next door to me!!!!