Internal raging at 13 y/o DD help me!!

[johub]

My oldest daughter is turning 13 in less than 2 weeks. SO far she has only gotten into the usual 'pushing boundaries' type of trouble. She is very smart, a pretty good student and not a delinquent.
But inside me I am constantly raging against her and thinking awful thoughts and calling her all the names in the book.
She is not particularly helpful and she had too much fun this weekend before getting to her chores so she did the usual cruddy job. So today I was left to finish trying to clean up my toddler's playroom that she was supposed to have done and here I am SCREAMING at my sweet babies! Because they turned over a bucket of toys as I am cleaning.
THis isn't about them. They do not deserve to get yelled at.
But I feel so awful.
My daughter is just going throuigh the normal preteen stuff but I am obsessing about all of her failings.
I sit and wish go god I coudl send her away to boarding school. I think that I want her to leave and I dont want her in my house and she is so selfish and lazy and the biggest B**** I know.
She used to be the pride of my life. Now I feel like my life would be perfect without her.
I dont want to feel this way. I am obsessing about all the things that can go wrong for her at this dangerous time in her life and I know that it is really my fear about waht can go wrong that is freaking me out so much.
I just want to protect her but she fights me every inch of the way. So I resent her and hate her for fighting me when I am only tryign to do my job and what I am supposed to do, what I HAVE to do.
She is in school all day long and I actually spend the vast majority of my day obsessing about her.
I have three other children but she is taking up ALL of my energy.
I am worn out and exhausted and I get to the point where I don't even have the energy to talk to her.
My house is falling apart.
I would think I am in a depression by all the outward signs in me. But it is so focused. My life is otherwise absolutely perfect. When I can stop thinking about her I can be happy.
Will my life be like this constantly until she is 16 or older?
Is it normal to feel so angry at a teen?
I mean it's not like she is ditching school or doing drugs or having sex even.
It is however about my anxiety that if I let up my vigiliance for one second she will be.
Any advice? I have got to start getting on with my life and treating my other family members with the love and respect they deserve.
I have to stop taking everythign she does and says personally. I Know that much. But how?
Joline

[MamaWindmill]

Originally Posted by johub

Any advice? I have got to start getting on with my life and treating my other family members with the love and respect they deserve.
I have to stop taking everythign she does and says personally. I Know that much. But how?
Joline

Joline, this must be a very difficult situation for you, and I feel for you. To be perfectly honest with you, I think your feelings toward your daughter - as you described them - are not indicative of a healthy family situation. I think you need to seek individual counseling for yourself and family counseling for you, your daughter, and the rest of your family. This is a destructive situation, and your daughter does not deserve to grow up in a home with a mother who expresses such intensely negative feelings for her. I can tell by reading your post that you love her, and the fact that you're posting here, asking for help, is admirable - it shows you know this isn't right and you want help. Please don't hesitate to seek help for yourself and your family right away.

[johub]

I agree about the counciling. The only problem is dh is changing jobs and our insurance is about to change so I have to wait until June at the earliest to seek help for both of us.
I do want to say however that you have misunderstood one thing
I have NEVER expressed any of these negative feeligns to her. She can see that I get frustrated and angry when she is nasty and talks back, but I keep it ALL inside because I know it is unhealthy and inappropriate to say anythign hurtful to her and I would never do that.
Her and my communications together are usually positive on my end and just trying to deflect her negative energy all the time is exhausting me. And then I just grieve when she is gone.
I might even be erring on the side of being overly cautious in expressing my disapproval.
One of the reasons I think that this is all boiling inside is because she is a child and therefore I CANNOT express these things to her.
Getting it off my chest this morning has helped a great deal.
I am the first to give others advice about how we choose our reactions and we choose whether or not to be happy. So I am reminding myself that I do not HAVE to think about her all day and I can refuse to think about the "possible" negative issues until they actually arise.
The worst part is just how it makes ME so irritable that I am less of a calm frame of mind to handle the regular toddler antics.
But even so, I think that counciling can both help me sort out what my responsibilities are so I can let go of the "small stuff", and give her someone to sort her issues out with because at 13 the last person she is going to talk to is me.
I have never in her entire life yelled at her or called her a name or said any of those things I am feeling. (but I have joked that I wish I could just send her to boarding school. But we have joked about that since she was 5 )
Just wanted to make that clear.
This is an internal emotional issue mostly.
Joline

[MamaWindmill]

Originally Posted by johub

I do want to say however that you have misunderstood one thing
I have NEVER expressed any of these negative feeligns to her. She can see that I get frustrated and angry when she is nasty and talks back, but I keep it ALL inside because I know it is unhealthy and inappropriate to say anythign hurtful to her and I would never do that.

I understood you - you think but don't say these things. However, you must realize that your internal feelings color your external actions toward her, whether you think they do or not. I am happy to read that you think counseling would be an appropriate course of action for you. Like I said, I realize you don't say these things, but believe me - emotions that strong don't exist in a vaccuum. On some level, she is picking up on your feelings. It's your job to deal with your emotions, because, again, no child deserves to grow up in a situation where their mother - internally or externally - has such overwhelming resentment toward them. I commend you for looking for answers to your situation, instead of just shrugging it off - it really shows how much you care about your daughter. With some help, this WILL get better.

[johub]

It already is better. I just really need a safe outlet to vent sometimes.
I went through a phase when she was like 10 where I actually dreamed of beating her. That phase ended also but we were not facing the kinds of changes that we are now that I do not feel as equipped to handle.
Sometimes the little frustrations add up really quickly before I have a chance to deal with each one. (thong underwear one day, kissign boys the next, late for curfew the next, an unexplained lighter) I would be better equipped to deal with each thing if I at least had a day or two between! LOL
I also think it is time for another girls night out we haven't had one in a little while.
Doesn't anybody else ever get so mad at their kids that they just want to disown them?
I mean, I know that counciling can help us both deal with adolescence but it can't be that unusual I wouldnt think.
Oh and I wanted to add, someone recommended I read "Reviving Opheila" and while it was really informative I think that book made it a LOT worse in my head because it was so full of all the things that can go wrong at this age, without really providing any concrete advice on how to prevent them from happenning that I didn't already know!
Joline

[journeymom]

Joline:

Boy, do I feel your pain.

Two key words from your first post are "obsession" and "anxiety". Those are potent feelings that act like poison. Your thought about how we choose our reactions is excellent. But- I disagree that we can choose whether or not to be happy or that you don't have to think about the 'possible' negative issues. I think we cannot control our emotions all the time. It's a fact that obsession and anxiety are chemicals in our brains. Sometimes you need medical assistance to help get your moods back in control.

Sorry, I'm really trying hard here to restrain myself and not assume that your sitution is exactly like mine! But I've been through a similar situation with my children, and what it came down to is that I have a anxiety and mood disorder. Through no moral failing of my own, but simply because my brain makes too much of one chemical, I obsess about problems, real and unreal. I feel incredible anxiety and worry for my kids, and also unbearable anger, resentment and irritation. This is how a chemical colors my view of my world. So, like a diabetic takes insulin to correct her blood sugar, or a person wears glasses to correct her vision, I take medication to correct my moods. It has made a world of difference.

I've also had therapy off and on to help change some of the bad thought habits I've made. I'm not in therapy right now, we don't have insurance yet. But like you, we'll have some soon and I will be looking for a therapist. Medication, behavior therapy and exercise (yuck! :LOL ) all together are absolutely necessary for me.

And now that you mention it, I absolutely agree about "Reviving Ophelia"! I read it when dd was a baby, me full of post partum hormones. Heavens, I was convinced dd would be a self-cutting, drug addled pregnant mess by the time she was a teen. That book is interesting from a sociologist's point of view, maybe. But sometimes these wake-up call type parenting books simply cause more worry than they help.

Oh, for pity's sake, Joline, you have three toddlers?! You deserve a medal and a stiff drink!

[Victorian]

Joline - I have responded to you on another thread about your dd but wanted to add something here that set off an alarm in my head. You don't need to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable but I wanted to put this thought in your head.

When women are giving birth again after a tramatic birth, they sometimes get "stuck" at the same point of their labors that things went bad last time (i.e. if they had a c-section at 5 centimeters they could get stuck at 5 centimeters in the current labor). Sometimes they need to work through some issues emotionally before they can continue. I mention this because sometimes this can happen to people that have been abused. Were you abused around the age that your daughter is now? Are you obsessing that something could happen to her because it happened to you? Please get help for your rage. She can feel it. It will ruin your relationship.

She deserves compassion. It can not be easy for her to have a mother to herself for 10 years and then have to share with 3 babies. You said that you went through it with her at 10. Is that when the babies were born? Are you not acknowledging her feelings over this drastic change in her life?

Victorian

[johub]

""I mention this because sometimes this can happen to people that have been abused. Were you abused around the age that your daughter is now? "
No actually at her age I was still playing barbies! Not actually in the same way I did when I was nine.
"Are you obsessing that something could happen to her because it happened to you? Please get help for your rage. She can feel it. It will ruin your relationship. "
I seriously doubt that she can feel it as it only appears as a later result of a situation we have had. But is not even present in the room when she is. KWIM, she may argue with me about getting piercings or refuse to chat with me about school or just not clean the bathroom like she is supposed to. But then when she is at school I process all of the feelings that I do not process when she is around. I am not always raging. But when I do it disturbs me a great deal. We are still huggy and kissy and go out for ice cream. The feelings are SO INTENSE when they appear before I have the chance to work through them.
Mostly it is the helplessness that so many things she will face now that I cannot control. She is walking into a world full of dangers at the exact time when she needs to pull away from me.
Also I have spent 13 years fostering a very close relationship I had hoped would be solid enough to see us through this and she is rejecting me a great deal and now I feel like my most important parenting tool is being taken away.

"She deserves compassion. It can not be easy for her to have a mother to herself for 10 years and then have to share with 3 babies. You said that you went through it with her at 10. Is that when the babies were born? Are you not acknowledging her feelings over this drastic change in her life?"
We went through it it 5 and 7 and 9 and almost 11 and now at almost 13. It is like she goes in these cycles. The first time I wished I could send her to boarding school she was 5.
I agree she deserves compassion. It is hard to be 13. She also needs structure and protection and freedom. Her needs are constantly in opposition with each other and as the adult I am the one responsible for where to draw those lines and It is a job I am not altogether prepared for or comfortable with. And right now she is moving and changing so fast I can't keep up.
She throws tantrums more than my 2 year old. And my trust for her is eroding very quickly because she has this way of pushing the boundaries.
In addition, my family is pretty heavy in the teenage pregnancies (or premarital ones at least). Her biological father is an alcoholic. And all the TV shows right now from Oprah to the news talk about how kids as young as 5th grade are participating in oral sex.
It is terrifying having a teenager. I had the adyllic childhood. I never once saw drugs until after I graduated from high school. I never drank alcohol with my friends until I was in college and I was at the end of my Sr. Year of high school when I lost my virginity.
I know it is too much to ask that she emulate me in these things.


She might sometimes have issues with the kids, but I make just as much time for her alone now as I ever did. She loves her brothers and sister and really doesn't seem to be jealous more than the occcasional "but I want you now".
There are millions of things I consciously do to support her and show my love. (like cooking special vegetarian meals for her instead of telling her to just have pb&j when we are having meat) .

I really think this is the normal adolescent stuff but we are in really intense change mode and I am having a hard time keeping up. Hopefully a councelor will help me figure out what kinds of boundaries are appropriate and also give my dd someone to talk to and someone who can help her think through her choices since she is neither talking to or listening to me.

Joline

[johub]

Journeymom, thank you so much for your empathetic reply

"Boy, do I feel your pain.

Two key words from your first post are "obsession" and "anxiety". Those are potent feelings that act like poison. Your thought about how we choose our reactions is excellent. But- I disagree that we can choose whether or not to be happy or that you don't have to think about the 'possible' negative issues. I think we cannot control our emotions all the time. It's a fact that obsession and anxiety are chemicals in our brains. Sometimes you need medical assistance to help get your moods back in control.

Sorry, I'm really trying hard here to restrain myself and not assume that your sitution is exactly like mine! But I've been through a similar situation with my children, and what it came down to is that I have a anxiety and mood disorder. Through no moral failing of my own, but simply because my brain makes too much of one chemical, I obsess about problems, real and unreal. I feel incredible anxiety and worry for my kids, and also unbearable anger, resentment and irritation. This is how a chemical colors my view of my world. So, like a diabetic takes insulin to correct her blood sugar, or a person wears glasses to correct her vision, I take medication to correct my moods. It has made a world of difference. "

I have a couple of questions really quick. I have four children and this anxiety is only in this one area of my life. I don't worry overall about illnesses or accidents or trauma or anything like that with my younger kids.
There is something different about the kind of trouble a teen can get into. Give me a broken leg or a bad case of pneumonia any day over an addiciton to dangerous drugs, pregnancy or AIDS, or dropping out of high school. The usual little kid stuff is usually temporary and I am usually the opposite of the worrywort with my kids when they are little. I am the first to let them test themselves or climb trees or not worry about that piece of old food they ate from the crack in the sofa.
I just tend to err on the side of too little caution. So I wonder if it is possible to have an anxiety disorder that is so focused on only one part of my life?

I agree that there are certainly situations where individuals cannot pull themselves up by their bootstraps and force themselves to think their way out of things. And by saying that I think I should I do not mean to belittle those that can not. It is just something that I usually don't have that big of a problem with.

I also want to add to all those great mamas who are helping me with this on this thread. I reread my original post and there are a few words I would like to amend.
When I wrote it I was in the middle of a personal crisis so I used words like "constantly" and "all day" and such that pretty much said I am always feelign rage and anger. It sure felt like it at the time. What I AM always feeling is caution and a little sadness that things are going to be more difficult than I had anticipated. The rage comes and goes based on how thick the muddy footprints are across the floor, or if I recently found a lighter in her backpack etc. . .
My DH is being really great. He is handling it all pretty matter of factly. Why obsess about whether or not she is smoking. Either she is or she isn't. If we catch her we will deal with it then. Even the emerging sexuality thing. He suggested we get her on some type of birth control soon after she turns 13. I have no idea if she is even approaching her sexuality that quickly but I am obsessing about how horrible it would be if she was and how upset it makes me and he is just calmly suggesting solutions. He even volunteered to talk to her about it. Which is good because she would shut me down in like 2 seconds.
So yes I am raging. And yes it is happennign frequently because she isn't letting up. It is something of concern new almost every day. But it is not really all the time, although it feels that way when I am in the middle of it.
Yesterday for example, not a single problem.
JOline

[Wugmama]

Originally Posted by johub

So yes I am raging. And yes it is happennign frequently because she isn't letting up.
JOline

It isn't normal to be raging over things like this, that frequently, and it isn't because your DD isn't letting up, this isn't her fault. I would urge you to seek professional help, for your sake as well as your daughters. I couldn't say what your problem may be, but did you know that depression and anxiety are closely related? Also, a person can be clinically depressed and never have the sadness usually associated with depression, but have anger instead.

[johub]

Oh I absolutely need help.
But I really don't think it is abnormal to feel intensely angry and rage even as a response to behavioral problems.
Certainly I need help to sort out the expectations and stresses of raising a teenager. And as I said I relish the opportunity to speak to a professional more familiar with adolescence.
But I also don't think that my feelings are indicative of a problem any deeper than that.
I know that I am the one responsible for my reactions to her problems and it would be ideal if I could take all that she can dish out without feeling anger and resentment and disappointment. But to say it is not at all related to her is to ignore the basic fact that it is her behavorial changes and testing of limits and my difficulty drawing the line between freedom and limits that is at the root.
I am not flying off the handle because she forgot to empty the dishwasher. I am justifyably angry that she had boys in the house when I was gone for several hours. Or concerned that my 5 year old who pestered me to quit smoking (and I did) has turned into a 13 year old who has a lighter in her pocket and tells her online friends that she smokes (although I have not caught her). Or maybe it is unusual to wonder where your child is when the mall closed at 9 and her friends mom was supposed to bring her home. She is not home after 10 and I have to get out of bed and drive to the mall to find her making out with a boy outside the mall.
Certainly I need help processing all of this, but to say it is not related to her behavior is letting her way too much off the hook. These things make my blood boil. And while I am eager to seek help to deal wiht these issues I sincerely do not think that there is anything WRONG with me because of it.
Joline

[Deja]

You said;
SO far she has only gotten into the usual 'pushing boundaries' type of trouble. She is very smart, a pretty good student and not a delinquent.

But inside me I am constantly raging against her and thinking awful thoughts and calling her all the names in the book.

My daughter is just going throuigh the normal preteen stuff but I am obsessing about all of her failings.

I sit and wish go god I coudl send her away to boarding school. I think that I want her to leave and I dont want her in my house and she is so selfish and lazy and the biggest B**** I know.
She used to be the pride of my life. Now I feel like my life would be perfect without her.
I dont want to feel this way.

I know we all feel frustrated by our children sometimes, but based on what you've described, do you REALLY think that your daughter is the biggest b@#$%h you've ever met in your life?

If so, you've led a really charmed life.

These feelings do not seem normal to me. It sounds like your daughter is your lightening rod for all of your negative emotions, and that is not fair to her. Your life would not be perfect without her, you'd just transfer your emotions to something or someone else.

What you are doing isn't fair to her, and it isn't even fair to yourself. Instead of figuring out what is wrong for YOU, you are making this all about HER, even though you've said yourself that she's not really doing anything all that wrong.

Think about it. This isn't right.

[MamaWindmill]

Originally Posted by johub

But I really don't think it is abnormal to feel intensely angry and rage even as a response to behavioral problems.

Joline, I have to tell you, respectfully, that you seem to be laying the blame totally at your daughter's feet here. You say "my reactions to her behavior problems" - what exactly is your ownership in those problems? You seem to be indicating that you only need help not obsessing over her faults - what have you done to contribute to this situation? I hate to say it, but your resentment toward her really comes through in your posts - you paint yourself as willing to bend over backwards for her, and your daughter as causing trouble and *making you* think ugly thoughts about her. What exactly is your role in her behavior issues? Surely she didn't live in a bubble for the past 13 years? You repeatedly refer to her in unflattering and hostile tones, and seem to want to exonerate yourself by saying "I never say these things to her" and "there is nothing wrong with me." Maybe it's time to look at things this way: this problem goes both ways. I hope you get help soon.

[Deja]

I tell you something else; I would really HATE for anyone to be going behind me and obsessing over all of my failures. I'm a grown woman, and that would be so destructive to my spirit and psyche.

[johub]

<<I know we all feel frustrated by our children sometimes, but based on what you've described, do you REALLY think that your daughter is the biggest b@#$%h you've ever met in your life?>>
In moments of intense anger it feels that way. Do I really feel that way? Absolutely NOT. However she is the most challenging individual I have had an ongoing relationship with in a very long time, in this phase of her life.
I do not think it is particularly shocking for a mother to say her 13 year old is behaving like a royal 'B', from what I read it is relatively common.

<<If so, you've led a really charmed life.>>

<<These feelings do not seem normal to me. It sounds like your daughter is your lightening rod for all of your negative emotions, and that is not fair to her. Your life would not be perfect without her, you'd just transfer your emotions to something or someone else.>>
You have apparently misread my posts as my current issue is with my relationship with her. Where would you think I am transferring emotions from? Certainly my life would not be perfect without her because I love her and I would miss her. My life would be perfect without the problems and difficulties we are currently facing. However my wording in the midst of my anger are understandably less eloquent.

<<What you are doing isn't fair to her, and it isn't even fair to yourself. Instead of figuring out what is wrong for YOU, you are making this all about HER, even though you've said yourself that she's not really doing anything all that wrong.>>
Again, you seem to have failed to notice that in every single one of my posts I have mentioned that the difficult is that I feel unable to deal with these problems. That I feel inequipped. That I feel rejected. None of these posts have said "what can I do about her behavior" they have all been about "what can I do about my reaction to her behavior."
OBVIOUSLY I do not wish to react this way or I would not be seeking mamas who have btdt and be looking forward to seekign counciling.
I did not come here to be accused of mistreating my daughter. I came to find some support in dealing with the huge emotional issues I am having with her transition into adolescence and her current behaviorial issues.

[johub]

<<You say "my reactions to her behavior problems" - what exactly is your ownership in those problems? You seem to be indicating that you only need help not obsessing over her faults - what have you done to contribute to this situation? I hate to say it, but your resentment toward her really comes through in your posts - you paint yourself as willing to bend over backwards for her, and your daughter as causing trouble and *making you* think ugly thoughts about her. What exactly is your role in her behavior issues? Surely she didn't live in a bubble for the past 13 years? You repeatedly refer to her in unflattering and hostile tones, and seem to want to exonerate yourself by saying "I never say these things to her" and "there is nothing wrong with me." Maybe it's time to look at things this way: this problem goes both ways. I hope you get help soon.>>

What I have said is :
<<I know that I am the one responsible for my reactions to her problems and it would be ideal if I could take all that she can dish out without feeling anger and resentment and disappointment. But to say it is not at all related to her is to ignore the basic fact that it is her behavorial changes and testing of limits and my difficulty drawing the line between freedom and limits that is at the root.>>
I am being accused of placing the responsibility for all of my feelings onto her however my previous posts certainly show that I and only I have ownership of those feelings and also that I need help sorting these things out.
However I am coming to what I had hoped was a parenting support board. WHy would I need support to deal with all the good and wonderful things?
I could list them miles long as well, but it is not her positive qualities I am having trouble with. It is the specific problems that I am having troubles with. My posts would be ten times as long if I had to qualify every negative feeling I have by pointing out all the ways things are ok.
She is pushing limits and I am having difficulty with it. THis is a problem in our relatioship together. Not a "Her behavior is the problem" but "My reaction to her behavior is the problem" and I have stated this numerous times. I do not have an overall anxiety problem. I do not have problems dealing with regular every day stress. I do not have anger buried deep inside me that is unrelated to this particular problem.
I am very happy for all of you that none of you have ever experienced this type of anger and rage towards your own children, but I am reminded of an old saying "You don't know rage until you have children." Perhaps this is not true for many, and perhaps everybody who is accusing me of being horrible to my daughter has never felt this frustration. However it would not be an "old adage" if it were not also very true for many.

And as for talking "behind her back"
For crying out loud I am an adult and a mother who wants to help improve our relationship and it seems to me like it would be appropriate to discuss things with another mother. I am not talking smack about her to her friends. I am seeking some common ground with other mothers who have also found this transition to be extremely challenging.
In addition, it would be entirely inappropriate for me to vent my frustrations directly to her as she is a child and is very sensitive and my temporary negative emotions if expressed could have a permanent impact. So when I am angry or disappointed or afraid for her future I have to express it elsewhere to bring it down to manageable size in order to deal with it and move on without troubling her with my issues.
I cannot see how that is less fair to her than the "usual" screaming matches I see other girls her age and their mothers getting into.
Apparently this is NOT the safe place for mothers to share their experiences and learn from each other's wisdom that I had expected to find.
Joline

[johub]

Ok Deja, I am a bit confused.
In one thread you say that my feelings should not be held against me and that the issue is dealing with my daughter's behavioral problems. As feelings can't be wrong and I should not be treated as I am wrong to have them.
And in this thread you tell me that I am making this all about her when it is really about the inappropriateness of my feelings.
At first I thought you had to be two separate people.
So which is it.
Do I have a right to feel angry at my child when that is the authentic emotion that appears, and then deal with it and try to move on.
Or am I somehow being unfair and cruel to my daughter for becoming angry when she pushes those boundaries?
Seriously.
You say that it is most important how we act and what we say and do, and then you accuse me for being unfair to my daughter with my thoughts.
I am trying really hard here to reach out to moms who have experienced a turmoil similar to mine.
Hints as to how to deal with these things. How to reach my daughter. How to solve the problems rather than just mull over them until I get angrier and angerier.
I was so upset by some of the accusatory comments on this thread I discussed it with my dh. Do I give off a vibe of anger towards our daughter? Am I behaving in a hostile way? Am I wearing my private rage on my sleeve?
No. Kids do expect their parents to be angry when they do something they are not supposed to do. It is neither unnatural nor unhealthy to be angry when these things happen.
I am not a yeller or a screamer or a fighter. When I have anger I process it alone later. Sometimes when it has been a long couple of days it might be a few hours with a LOT of anger. But when my daughter comes home from school the air is cleansed of that anger.
I KNOW that counciling woudl be a good idea for both of us. I know that I do not want to feel rage towards my daughter.
The way I have been attacked on this thread is not only not helpful, but the attacks have been entirely baseless.
Victorian and Journeymom,
THank you for your thoughtful answers, both of you were helpful and kind
Joline

[Deja]

Johub,
I am very sorry that I made you feel defensive, I truly am. I hope you will feel the sincerity in my words and that the sincerity might help a little with your defensiveness.

It's hard to know how to articulate this, but I'm going to try. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who obsessed over your every failing? I have. It was terrible, one of the most damaging experiences of my life.

How would you feel if your daughter were to marry a man who obsessed over her every fault? I would ask you to please, really think about that.

[johub]

I can see perhaps where you have compared this situation with your own. HOwever these things are entirely different.
I do obsess over what is going wrong but not because these are things that are "wrong with her" per se. But because she is changing her behavior in ways that I am not equipped to deal with. So I am obsessing over what I have done, what I have not done, what do I need to do.
For example. The found lighter. I am so worried about her smoking. SHould I be doing something more and different to protect her? (do I set more limits now or continue to allow more freedom) I think very frequently about how horrible it would be if she was smoking and what would I do if I caught her. The truly emotionally mature way to deal with this is to accept that I will deal with that issue when it arises. But because I feel ill equipped I dread the arrival of that moment.
The chores. What do I need to do to indicate to her that her chores are mandatory. What have I done that has encouraged her to say "Yes I did it" only to find out that she did the tiniest most minimal fraction of the actual job given. Is there any way at this late age that I can help find a solution to this problem? Is this an indication of a poor work ethic? She is a very capable young woman and contributing to the family is something she should be expected to do. Why am I having such a difficult time with it?
In moments when I am really mad because she lied about completinga chore and I am left to finish or I let her go to the mall without checking only to find that she didn't really do it, at those times I am MAD! And I do think negative things directly about her. My most frequent thought is that she is "either blind, lazy or stupid, or just plain lying" to say that the bathroom was clean even though there is a pile of mud in the sink. But THOSE thoughts, the negative things about her, the insults are temporary and transitory and only exist when I am in the state of anger.
The continuing obsession is about how MY job has changed and I really don't know what I am supposed to do.
My daughter knows that I get angry and exasperated with her. But she in no way feels that I am overly critical. (ok well she thinks I am when I check her chores and call her on the unvacuumed floor or unwashed mirror) but I am referring to her SELF that I am not obsessing about.
I don't know if having experienced the pain you have you can see where there is a difference.
Yes I would like to be less angry. Yes I would like to get help. But I do not go around treating my daughter like I really think she is a "B".
Everybody keeps imagining this horrific home environment that is entirely fictional.
Is it so hard to imagine that I can continue to have a warm loving relationship with my daughter all the while completely stressing and freaking out about all the changes she is going through and all the ways she is challenging me and even purposely pushing my buttons?
I am HERE talking to adults so that I do NOT vent these things on her and harm her self worth. That is entirely different from expressing any criticizm.

joline

[UUMom]

I have an almost 13 yr old daughter. She isn't the challenge your dd seems to be, but I am very honest with her about my feelings and beliefs.

If I found a lighter I might say to my daughter 'You know I'm a worrywart, so when I saw the lighter i was afraid you might have tried smoking. I just want you to know how much I care about you being healthy. I know kids you age might try cigs, but I really want you to know that it worries me to think you might be harming your future health. I;m not mad at you, it's hard to be a kid these days. I'm just concerned".

Would teling her know how much you care and worry about her be 'heard' by her? Sometimes kids think we are putting the kabosh on things because we want to fight them, when all we are is worried. Sometimes kids forget how much we love them and how concerned we get when we realize how much they have to face in this world.

I also think talking to someone --a wise friend, a counselor etc about your worries and concern would help you. It might feel better to purge to someone who might be able to offer help.