(Caveat: this is a tender subject for me; I get enough flak from my boyfriend. If you post, and I hope you do, please be gentle.)
As most of you know, I'm a solo parent and very proud to be supporting my family of two. I've mentioned that there's a boyfriend in the picture; I've known him almost a year. I like our relationship exactly the way it is: separate homes, committed but not living together, dating exclusively every weekend, plus daily emails. I feel like I've got it all: a loving family (my daughter), my freedom (SO precious!), plus a loving boyfriend to share activities and adult conversation.
Problem is: that's not enough for him. And I feel it's a feminist issue.
I want: to keep what I've got, the best of all worlds.
HE wants things to "progress" into living together, marriage, perhaps another child. He wants to "be a family." He says that by denying him this, I'm taking away his chance to have a family and forcing him to be lonely the rest of his life.
(He assumes, proably accurately, that the bio-dad would terminate rights if he petitioned to adopt. But I don't want that!)
I don't feel there's much room for compromise. I don't want to invite him into our family, just alongside it, the way he is. I do think that his wanting this "goal" of changing my family and my living situation is in essence saying there's something wrong with those, that they need to be improved, while instead I think they are perfect just the way they are. (I mean, his family -- his bachelorhood -- and his living conditions may merit improvement, but that's not my responsibility.) And frankly, what would I get out of a change? I'd lose a lot -- closet space, intellectual space (being able to go to MY home after this argument, not have to share a bed with the arguer!), family definition -- and just have to put up with more of him. I love him, yes, but as a permanent date, not a roommate! And my daughter doesn't need a father!
So I'm not asking whether to break up with the guy or not. Frankly, I'm NOT going to compromise my boundaries and my daughter's protected childhood; I will keep to the status quo and, if he keeps insisting on getting a wife, let him free to find one. (I'll genuinely offer to keep up a friendship with a weekly activity date so he and my daughter can continue their healthy bond, though.)
What I am interested in discussing is the idea mentioned in my thread title. Do any of you feel like society/boyfriends/others pressure you to fit some traditional mold of a family, to add in a dad-figure to "complete" your already perfect family -- at the loss of your own freedom and pride in leading your family? Please share your frustrations and support. I'm so, so danged proud of my family and it BURNS me to be asked to give up all that pride and freedom so that some boy can "not feel lonely."
Second caveat: I'm NOT criticising any single mom who chooses to add in an adult partner. Who knows; in five years I may choose to, even with this current boyfriend [whom I've known for less than a year, again]. I just can't say that change is my goal. All I can say, and have said, to boyfriend is that currently I have zero plans to change or "work toward" change, and that my ideal of single parenthood is at least as valid as his Leave-It-To-Beaver goal [complete with a SAHparent, which is NOT the reality of my family where I breadwin].
Boy, can I ramble! Hope this makes sense.
As most of you know, I'm a solo parent and very proud to be supporting my family of two. I've mentioned that there's a boyfriend in the picture; I've known him almost a year. I like our relationship exactly the way it is: separate homes, committed but not living together, dating exclusively every weekend, plus daily emails. I feel like I've got it all: a loving family (my daughter), my freedom (SO precious!), plus a loving boyfriend to share activities and adult conversation.
Problem is: that's not enough for him. And I feel it's a feminist issue.
I want: to keep what I've got, the best of all worlds.
HE wants things to "progress" into living together, marriage, perhaps another child. He wants to "be a family." He says that by denying him this, I'm taking away his chance to have a family and forcing him to be lonely the rest of his life.
I don't feel there's much room for compromise. I don't want to invite him into our family, just alongside it, the way he is. I do think that his wanting this "goal" of changing my family and my living situation is in essence saying there's something wrong with those, that they need to be improved, while instead I think they are perfect just the way they are. (I mean, his family -- his bachelorhood -- and his living conditions may merit improvement, but that's not my responsibility.) And frankly, what would I get out of a change? I'd lose a lot -- closet space, intellectual space (being able to go to MY home after this argument, not have to share a bed with the arguer!), family definition -- and just have to put up with more of him. I love him, yes, but as a permanent date, not a roommate! And my daughter doesn't need a father!
So I'm not asking whether to break up with the guy or not. Frankly, I'm NOT going to compromise my boundaries and my daughter's protected childhood; I will keep to the status quo and, if he keeps insisting on getting a wife, let him free to find one. (I'll genuinely offer to keep up a friendship with a weekly activity date so he and my daughter can continue their healthy bond, though.)
What I am interested in discussing is the idea mentioned in my thread title. Do any of you feel like society/boyfriends/others pressure you to fit some traditional mold of a family, to add in a dad-figure to "complete" your already perfect family -- at the loss of your own freedom and pride in leading your family? Please share your frustrations and support. I'm so, so danged proud of my family and it BURNS me to be asked to give up all that pride and freedom so that some boy can "not feel lonely."
Second caveat: I'm NOT criticising any single mom who chooses to add in an adult partner. Who knows; in five years I may choose to, even with this current boyfriend [whom I've known for less than a year, again]. I just can't say that change is my goal. All I can say, and have said, to boyfriend is that currently I have zero plans to change or "work toward" change, and that my ideal of single parenthood is at least as valid as his Leave-It-To-Beaver goal [complete with a SAHparent, which is NOT the reality of my family where I breadwin].
Boy, can I ramble! Hope this makes sense.