Do you ever feel guilty that you don't earn money?

[LisainCalifornia]

I wondered if anyone else ever feels guilty for not contributing financially to their family?

I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years now--ever since my son Matthew was born. I did not set out to be a stay at home mom...I actually had just graduated from the teaching credential program (I have a k-6 credential) and had been long term subbing at a school in San Francisco and planned to go back 5-6 months after Matthew was born. But mothering hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks, and it suddenly became crystal clear to me that I could not go back to work and hire someone else to care for him. These feelings were surprising to me--but also to my husband who also assumed I would go back to work.

We had a strange period of time after my son turned one that I made the pretense of looking for daycare for him (I actually did go look at 4 of them--and left feeling literally ill at the prospect of leaving him at each place) and finally I just told my husband I was staying home because it was the right thing for me to do for Matthew. My husband seemed perplexed (and worried about our finances, I am sure) by my strong attitude about the issue, especially because he worked in the high tech field with lots of women who had their babies and were back to work 6 weeks later. We went on to have another child and then adopt one, and I really grew into my job of SAHM.

As the years have gone by my husband has become my biggest fan--he now appreciates the fact that I am always here for the kids and for him, and it has allowed him to really thrive in his career because I am always on hand to take full responsibility for our 3 kids. He has a very high powered career now and often travels and works late most nights--he typically arrives home around 8:30, so if I were working too it would be very hard to cope with that.

Because my husband works so hard, that in turn makes me work very hard at home on my own with the kids, you know? But sometimes I still feel badly that I don't earn any money. Do you ever feel this way?

[mmace]

I never used to. I think the difference for me was that I had "jobs" before I became a SAHM, not a "career". Know what I mean? By the time we factored in daycare, car expenses, clothing, eating lunch out, etc. it wasn't worth it for me to keep working. I've baby-sat from my home for the past six years, and that "extra" money really filled in some gaps. I've been a single SAHM for the past almost two years though, and I *hate* how financially dependent I still am on my kids' dad. I'm going to start working part-time from home for a preschool this summer, doing bookkeeping/A-R & A-P/etc. so that will be a big help.

[hlkm2e]

I don't really feel guilty for not earning, but sometimes when I want something that costs a lot, a get this weird feeling like I shouldn't because I wasn't the one who made the money. My dh thinks I should buy whatever I want (he knows I'm not a huge shopper and was raised pretty frugal) within reason, but I still get some weird feelings. I know that I am contributing to our family, but it is hard to transition from making money to being at home.

[Cranberry]

I used to feel guilty that I don't earn a paycheck. But I've learned that what I do has immemse social, family and value. Unfortunately, our society puts a pricetag/paycheck on everything and since SAHMing doesn't have one, it is often deemed worthless and dismissed. This doesn't bother me anymore. I'm really happy with my choice.

[cjr]

All the time. Dh makes more money than most couples working full time do and I still feel guilty. Some months we get slammed with "extra" bills and things get tight. That's when I feel guilty the most.

I have decided not to worry about it anymore. With 3 kids daycare would crush any income I could bring in and I'm not willing to sacrafice our family dinamic by working and putting the kids in any kind of care. I think my biggest issues isn't so much about money, but about developing as a person. I feel stagnant being at home somedays. Lonely and out of touch. I am solving that by going to university in the fall. Just one day a week, Saturdays.

[FireWithin]

I really struggle with this sometimes. We are barely scraping by, and we would lvoe to pay off our debt sooner than we have been able to.

I have to repeatedly tell myself that we are still a two career couple. His job is to make the money, and my job is to spend it as carefully and frugally as possible. It takes a lot of energy, time and will power to do so and I don't think I would be able to do all fo this if I was working 45 hours a week (the expected amount of time as a teacher).

That said, I have been mulling around the idea of creating a job for myself teaching baby signs (I taught deaf children before sahm-ing). I expect that it would only be a couple fo hours a week.

It is just that I know if I worked full time all fo my career money would go to expenses that we don't have now. I need to remind myself of that once in a while.

[musingmama]

yep, I know that if I worked all the money would go to daycare (I just coudn't leave my ds there anyway! no way!), nice clothing, gas, convenience foods for quick dinners, etc.... but I HATE the fact that we are behind paying off our debt and bills, and I am not bringing in any money, then it just gets me sooo angry that mothers ar enot valued in this society!
but then I just look at my happy loveing cooperative sweet boy and thats worth way more than anything else! kinda wipes away any guilt about money, kwim?
I just can't even imagine getting him up at the crack of dawn and dropping him off with strangers.... I think it would be a little easier if my mom lived here with us, and she could babysit, but unfortunately she is 3000 miles away.
I just try to not worry about money, but it is hard. I also try and save money by cooking a lot of good fresh meals from scratch .. yummmm! I just try and save money when I can, so figure that makes up for a lot too.

totalyy OT- but I am SOOOO HAPPY we have this forum now!

[MamaMonica]

I used to. I did a little bit of part time work with my first. Now the kids are so much work some days I think I should be paid! Society considers childrearing to be "invisible" work, but it is defintely work.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia

I wondered if anyone else ever feels guilty for not contributing financially to their family?

Absolutely not. Earning money is just one of many, many, many ways to contribute to a family, and imo it's not even the most important one. It doesn't bother my husband or I at all that I am not earning money. That doesn't mean that I don't worry about the impact of my $0 annual income on our retirement or our ability to help our children through college. I do worry about those things. But I do not feel guilty that I don't earn money.

Besides, I do contribute financially to our family. I save our family thousands of dollars a year on groceries, clothing, utilities, etc., because I have the time to spend on money-saving activities in these areas. I shop at 5 different stores each week to keep the grocery bill as low as possible; I hang the laundry to dry; I Freecycle, trade, and search the thrift shops for bargains on clothing; I cook from scratch rather than eating out or making convenience meals; imo my kids are healthier because I am monitoring their environment at all times, which means fewer doctor bills; etc., etc., etc. In addition, we pay nothing for daycare. These are all financial contributions, even if I am not actually earning money.

Namaste!

[thoesly]

I used to when we were first making the shift to one income and we were both a bit scared. As the kids have grown and my responsibilities have grown, I don't feel guilty about it (as pps have said, what I would have earned as a teacher would have all gone to daycare anyway).

What I do feel is tremendous gratitude to my husband because he works a job he doesn't like so that I can live the life that I love. Since being a SAHM I've been able to learn new crafts, continue my education, read all of the books I always said I'd read, etc. There was an article in a magazine last month (not sure which one -- dental office visit) where a mom went on strike without giving her family any notice that there was a problem (kind of silly, if you ask me). When her husband was frustrated with her one night he said that sometimes he felt that he "lives poor" so that she can "live rich." She was stunned, but I kind of thought, "yeah, that's us." My husband wouldn't see it that way -- he only sees the sacrifices I make the same way I see the ones he makes. He claims he wouldn't have things any other way, and I feel the same. I love my life.

[captain crunchy]

I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever for not earning the money! Honestly!

In a partnership, as the previous poster mentioned, there are many, many ways to contribute and if you added up what someone would charge for all the *services* I provide (including sex... TOTALLY kidding!!!!) it would certainly add up to much more than I buy for myself.

Besides, I do contribute financially to our family. I save our family thousands of dollars a year on groceries, clothing, utilities, etc., because I have the time to spend on money-saving activities in these areas. I Freecycle, trade, and search the thrift shops for bargains on clothing; I cook from scratch rather than eating out or making convenience meals

Absolutely agree at the above comment too! ( I cut a bit out of the quote that didn't apply to us)

Our money is equally ours, no matter who is earning it, just as I don't give my husband crap for all the things he utilizes that only I *do* ...I don't expect him to feel guilty every time he puts on clean clothing or eats a meal I cook know what I mean?

I think you need to let go of the guilt! If you are contributing (I don't think anyone here is eating bon bons all day watching soaps on the couch)...then you shouldn't feel badly at all...it is one thing to appreciate the fact that your partner's income enables you to stay home and not have to have an outside job, but it is quite another to feel guilty about it!!

Take care!

[Irishmommy]

Ocassionally when we are really tight, but dh is quite happy with me staying home. I would have to work fulltime to make it remotely worthwhile, and that's not going to happen.

[charmarty]

I feel bad when I see dh struggling so hard to pay some bills. But I also know I am very lucky to be at home.

[indie]

I've never felt guilty but I had to come to terms with the fact that I was quite proud (in the negative sense of the word) of being the breadwinner in the family (we lost 2/3 of our income when I decided to stay home). A lot of the freedom DH had to do as he pleased in regards to his career stemmed from the fact that I had a good job with good benefits and he didn't have to worry about the money he was making when making decisions. That made me feel good about myself and now its kind of the opposite. I'm the dependent one and it makes me feel uncomfortable. But it has been a growing experience to let that pride go.

[janerose]

Originally Posted by mmace

I never used to. I think the difference for me was that I had "jobs" before I became a SAHM, not a "career". Know what I mean?

Yes, this is my situation exactly right now! Money wise it's not even worth me going back to work.

That said, I am going back to school this fall to work on my degree in accounting. My long term goal is to finish the 3 years of school I need, at which point Emi will be in preschool, so I can do the required 2 years of FT work without dealing with the whole daycare mess. After I put in my 2 years of time I'll be able to take the CPA exam and start working for myself.

I'm NOT doing all this because I feel bad about not bringing in any money though. I'm doing it because I feel I'd really enjoy accounting & really, really, really want to have a stable, well paying job where I can work for myself in case anything were to happen to DH. I *don't* want to be dependent on him and only him for our future financial stability. What if we divorce? What if he dies? What if he looses his job or wants to change careers himself? This just seemed like the right choice for us.

Holly

[scrapadoozer]

Yes, often. I wish I didn't and it really bothers DH when I bring it up. He wants me to feel no guilt about staying home but I feel bad everytime I buy something I don't consider absolutely necessary. I was a SAHW before we had dd. I've never worked outside the home since we've been together. I wonder if some of the guilt stems from that. Not that there was much I could do about it since I'm disabled. *sigh*

[Mallory]

I've been a single SAHM for the past almost two years though, and I *hate* how financially dependent I still am on my kids' dad.

This is how I feel sometimes, but I tell myself he doesn't even give me enough to pay for two kids in day care, and that we had these kids with the understanding that we would both take care of them and then I think that is all he can give? (He never sees them or calls) Of course I still hate that it is because of his goodwill that I can stay home and that he could mess that up pretty easy if he wanted to- the judge didn't really want to give me that much child support even with ex telling him that is okay.

[slightly crunchy]

No, not a bit. I feel like what I do is essential to us being a family and having a nice family life. If I worked, with our dual careers DH and I may as well not have children, as I don't think we would be doing the best we could by them. I know that it is not the same for everyone, but knowing many other couples with our respective careers who continue to try to do it all, I believe it is very true for us.

I also feel like I have sacrificed greatly in my career to SAH. That is a gift I am giving to myself and my family, and that is worth so much more than any money I could earn.

In addition, I supported DH and I during his last few years of school, up to the time that ds was born. That is the main reason we did not have a child until we did. So, in a way I feel like I did my part.

[Dechen]

I don't feel guilty. I see us as partners. (As does he). The money he makes is OUR money. And the chores I do are OUR chores. I take care of OUR daughter and OUR home. Etc.

Sometimes I feel guilty if I spend too much money on things we don't need, but that is a different thread.

[mags]

I used to feel guilty about this. I actually became a SAHW during the last half of my pregnancy with baby #1... it kind of just happened. They eliminated my job position with a cheaper person, and since I was having a somewhat shaky pregnancy, DH and I decided I'd just take it easy before the baby came to try to prevent any other complications and I was going to be a SAHM after the baby arrived anyway. I am an RN, and had I had a job that I really loved, I probably would have made an effort to at least go back to work per diem or part time. However, the nursing jobs around here really suck, we moved her two yrs ago and I took a $10/hr paycut!!!! I was not happy about this and it's made it more difficult for me to be happy doing a more difficult job (There were no openings in the unit I wanted), for a lot less $ and worse working conditions.

Luckily, my DH makes a decent income, admittedly we do watch our spending more closely now, but it is not like we cannot make it month to month. We just cut down a LOT on eating out, which is ok, since it's not easy taking a little one out to eat all the time anyway. Also, we don't go to movies anymore, we got a subscription to netflix instead. We don't have a babysitter, I cloth diaper, make my own baby food, got rid of my cell phone plan (I got a pre-paid one instead and it works out great for my needs and saves me a lot of $), shop the sales/clearance, buy generic, etc.. We are not so frugal that I feel like we are missing out, but then I don't feel like we are wastefully spending our $ either and just throwing it down the toilet unnecessarily. Anyway, I am pg with baby #2 now, so the idea of me going back to work is totally nixed for now. We were lucky that we put this under consideration when we bought out house, we budgeted for a house with only DH's salary, assuming someday I would be a SAHM.

When the kids start school, I will probably try to go back to work or school (want to become an NP, but there are no programs nearby, I am not willing to commute 1.5 hrs each way). DH and I did agree that sooner or later I WILL have to go back to work, but my earnings will be going towards retirement savings and the kids' college $.