How often do you leave your kids with someone else?

[Stacymom]

I consider myself a full time SAHM, although I do have a part time job 2 days a weeks- about 15 hours total- and dh is with the kids during that time. Usually, it works really well, and I wouldn't be working if we weren't able to have dh home with the girls because it wouldn't be worth working so few hours and paying a babysitter.

We have had a few conflict in the past few weeks where dh has been held up at work and I've been a few hours late, or where I've had to be somewhere (in the latest case, a violin recital for a student of mine) where I couldn't take the kids and he had to miss school that evening. He is always on my case about calling someone in the nieghborhood to watch them when conflicts like this come up, or taking them to my parents house (about 20 minutes away) and I constantly feel guilty about doing that. I have a 3 1/2 yr old, and an almost 2 yr old, and they do pretty well being with other people, so there's not a separation issue, I just feel like they are our kids, and wherever possible, we should make arrangements for one of us to be there with them. We do have occasional dates and things where my parents will come over and watch them, and when we know about conflicts way in advance, we usually will get someone to fill in the gaps, but if it happens more than about once a month or so, I start feeling like a terrible parent. I hate calling a neighbor and saying that we have a work conflict and could you please watch my girls for a couple of hours- I hate feeling like I'm pawning my kids of on other people! My dh doesn't think its that big of a deal- not that he wants to get rid of them, or is callous about doing it, he just thinks that we should ask people to help more. What do you think? Do you have other people watch your kids on occasion if a conflict comes up, or if you want some time by yourself? How much is too much?

[annethcz]

I lean more towards your way of thinking. I figure that we are the parents, we should be primarily responsible for our kids. I, too, dislike having to ask others to watch my kids. That said, we do leave our children with others 1-2 times per month.

I base my child-care decisions on who I feel comfortable leaving the kids with, and how often those people actually WANT to take care of my kids. We mostly leave our 3 children with either my parents or the ILs. Although the ILs love my kids and are retired, they get burned out easily. After we asked them to watch the kids 3 times in 2 months, they thought that was too much. And the last time we called to ask if they could watch the kids for 2 hours in the afternoon, FIL asked, "All three of them????"

But back to you, LOL. If this is a regular problem, would it be worth it to look into finding a regular sitter. I don't think it's terrible to leave your child with a sitter, but I would hate to be in a place where I have to call around to find a sitter at the last minute.

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by Stacymom

I just feel like they are our kids, and wherever possible, we should make arrangements for one of us to be there with them.

Well, that's what you are doing. It's the times when it is not posisble for one of you to be with them that you need someone else to help you out.

I probably leave my kids with someone other than dh about 2-3 times a month. Honestly, if I had more money, I would do it more often. If your kids don't have separation anxiety and do fine with other people, there is nothing wrong with leaving them with other people. If you feel like you are pawning them off on neighbors or something, then how about finding someone whom you can rely on as a paid babysitter when you need one? You're not "pawning them off" if you have arranged ahead of time to pay a babysitter for his/her services.

Namaste!

[Stacymom]

Annethcz, my situation is a lot like yours. When we leave the kids, its usually with my parents, although if it comes around more than about once a month I feel pretty guilty. It's not that they don't love my kids, (and my girls love them!) but its more that they finally have an empty nest, and are very wrapped up in doing their own things right now. I just hate to be intrusive.

I would love to have a regular sitter, but I live in a neighborhood that is predominantly young families like ours, and there are no teenagers or younger people that I have met that I can trust. And most of my friends have a few little ones like me, and I just feel guilty asking them to watch my two on top of their two or three, kwim? I wouldn't have a problem engineering a child care swap or something like that, but it seems like lately, I've been the only one asking!

Its really a good suggestion to try and find a regular sitter. I'll have to think about that and start looking. Hmmm...

[Laurel]

I have a woman in my neighborhood that I trade babysitting with. Ds goes to their house once a week for about 1 1/2 hrs, and their little girl comes to our house once a week. If I have to leave him for any other reason, it's with my sil, and usually not more than once or twice a month. In both situations, the places he stays are places he's very familiar with and very comfortable with. At first I was reluctant about the babysitting trade. I felt guilty, because I didn't "need" a babysitter--the other mom did, and it was just a mom's break for me. But now I'm really glad we did it. I love that he has a consistent caregiver with whom we've developed a rapport. Our trade time is flexible, so I can use her at the times I really need someone. Or, sometimes I just take him over there and come home to get online.

So I would estimate how many times a month you might need childcare, and arrange with a neighbor or friend to trade that many times per month. You can have your times be pretty flexible, as long as you have a neighbor who is home most of the time. Offer it to the other mom as a chance for her to get away for an hour or two. Or if you don't know enough in advance how much you would need the childcare, just arrange with another mom to use it on an as-needed basis, and promise that she can leave her kids at your house in return. (In other words, don't wait for them to ask you to babysit--offer it.)

[onlyzombiecat]

We don't leave dd very often... maybe every couple of months. But we don't have the same situation. I do not have a job and dh works at night. We don't have schedule conflicts.
It doesn't make you a bad parent if you arranged regular childcare for your kids for a couple of hours a week.

[Llyra]

I am out of the house about 9 hours a week with my tutoring, and DD stays with DH during that time. Otherwise, I am with her all the time. I have left her about 6 times since she was born, usually when it was really necessary, like DH had a seminar to go to during my tutoring hours, or I had to have dental work. In those cases, DD either stays with my mom, or I have a very close friend who's Julia's "auntie," who comes over for a few hours.

If my mom lived closer, I would probably leave Julia with her more often, at least for short periods of time-- I trust my mom completely, we agree on most aspects of raising children, and the ones we don't agree on are not so important, and I want Julia to be close to my mom.

I have more of an adversarial relationship with MIL, so I don't think I'll leave Julia with her until Julia is older. I strongly suspect MIL believes in CIO, and she's really playpen happy.

[HelloKitty]

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing either but I understand how you feel. I don't like to ask someone else to watch my kids unless it's an emergency or a really big event (like a wedding or something). I don't know why, I just feel strange doing it, like I'm burdening them.

In fifteen years I've left my kids with one "babysitter" that wasn't a grandparent, and it was one of my closest friends.

My MIL wor my mother will every couple months offer to babysit the kids while we go out to eat and we'll do it. It would be nice if we had like a once a month "date" though. I've been thinking a lot about looking into making that happen.

[JavaFinch]

When ds was an infant/toddler I never left him - maybe I did one time with my sister before he was 2 - but I'm not even sure about that. Between 2-3 maybe 1 or 2 x with my sister, and since then maybe 3x per year with my sister or mom, but never over night - usually just for 2-5 hours. He did go to preschool, too, and ever since he was about 2.5 DH and I worked out that I have one day a week to go off and do whatever I want without DS - normally to a movie - and ds stays with dh. So I don't feel overwhelmed at all even though we don't use baby sitters.

I will say, though, at this point I'd be willing to let him try an overnight at my sister's - we've talked about it - but so far haven't done it.

[mumof4]

I dont like leaving my kids cause i feel i am burdening someone with my job. My mother probably instilled that in my head, she always said they could come to visit but when i leave the kids do too. Besides I have 4 children and I know how hard that ca be so I really dont want to impose. My mil is great and helps when we need it but I am not one to leave the kids with people on a reg basis. However I always try to make sure they know i appreciate it so much. Try paying them or buying them a gift once in a while to show you appreciate their hellp maybe that would kill the guilt issue.

Jodie

[phathui5]

My mom watches ds and dd once or twice a month so that dh and I can go out together. I don't feel bad about it. Until recently she was just watching ds because dd didn't like to be left with people.

[Trini girl]

i work part time also but consider myself a sahm. i leave my dd with my mil once every month or so. but o hate to do it cuz she feeds her junk and they do nothing but watch tv...fox at that! if i had someone who i'm very comfy with i'd leave her more often cuz i get stressed pretty quickly and it affects me in weird ways. the other day i got physically sick, it wasn't till i arranged for a day off and i relaxed all day that i realized i was stressed. dh is out of the question cuz he's always working and even when he's not he's quite content to drop ming off at his mom's. hence the reason i'm always stressed, i can't get a damn day off cuz if i leave him to watch ming he'll just take her to his mom's.

[slightly crunchy]

Ds just turned three and has never been with a sitter other than my mom, maybe 4 or 5 times, and my MIL once. They don't live in town, otherwise I'd call on them to stay with him once or twice a month.

Until he was 2 or so, I kind of felt like the OP--like he should not be with anyone but us unless something came up where we really needed to be somewhere together, without him. Since then, there are times when I could have used a sitter with him as it is hard for DH to rearrange his work schedule when I need to do something. But ds has always been very slow to warm up to new people and still has a lot of anxiety about staying with anyone other than his grandparents. If I were in a situation where I knew I would need a sitter on a regular basis, I would need to break them in with him very gradually. But since our true needs are so infrequent, I have never done that. Most teenage sitters we know of want "regular" jobs and probably would not be willing to get to know ds well just to babysit on a very occasional basis.

[Leatherette]

I have a sitter twice a week. Once during the week for a few hours so I can run errands and clean house/do chores/garden, and once on Saturday so DH and I can have a date. We do late afternoon/early evening so we can put the kids to bed.

I don't feel bad about it. We have no family to help, and my daughter requires intensive nighttime parenting, so I need a little quiet time to get things done without stressing/having her hanging on my leg (and yes, she actually does this whenever I am in the kitchen).

She had severe separation anxiety for a long time, so I did not leave her with anyone until she was comfortable with it. She laughs and reaches out for the babysitter when she comes, so I think it's all good.

I think people should do what they feel comfortable with. I don't think that using sitters or not using sitters relates to how a person measures up as a mother. I am a better mom after my sitter has been here because I have gotten things done that would be preying on my mind. Then I can focus on the kiddos more.

L.

[AmandasMom]

I leave both kids in the Y nursery for 1-2 hours per day 4 days a week while I work out. On the weekends they stay home with dh while i work out. it took me a while to do this, dd is 4 and ds is 5 months, ive never left them with anyone other then dh. but i really wanted to work out and get fit, and the nursery is there so I made myself do it. Other then dd getting sick alot now, its been fine. ds hasn't adapted well, so dh picks him up from the nursery on his way home from work, so he's only in there for maybe 15 minutes.

[Dechen]

How often do I leave her? As often as possible. [Please, don't take offense. I'm kidding. Sort of. No really I am!]

My IL's visit once a week. Sometimes I use that time to have appointments or run errands, other times I am in the house cleaning or doing chores.

I trade babysitting for exercise time with a good friend twice a week. We each watch the kids for 1 hour, and get 1 hour for exercise.

My mom visits once a week, and usually dh and I are home (my mom visits on the weekend) but once in a while we go out to a movie or run errands together.

When dd is comfortable with my gym's daycare, I will be working out daily.

I am not willing to leave her with anyone she is not comfortable with, but I don't see leaving her as shirking my duties. I see it as expanding her community. My friend is like a second mom to her - she even asks for nursies when she sees my friend nursing her toddler. :LOL Because she spends so much time with her grandparents, she is very close to them [She has even asked MIL for nursies, once]. And goodness knows I appreciate the chance to take a break and get things done.

[crunchy_mama]

Well, I think lil' man has stayed with my mom and the in-laws 4x. 2x with the in-laws I was having a little breakdown and needed some time- so they took him for 1 1/2 hr or so- we live in the next house over. The one time mom had him it was for an hour and a half also and I was only 10 min away. So, we have only had one real outing for not quite 2 hrs we went to dinner on Valentine's Day- he was 6.5 mo at the time-I worried the whole time so we haven't done that since. I started taking workout classes 1x a week at 6 wks, but dh would drive up there with me and either stay in the gym just in case, or drive the car in circles. 2 mo. ago dh started staying home with lil' man, which he seems to tolerate most of the time. Lately I have been going about 2 x a week(2 the gym) and for the next month I will be going 3-5 x a week- I have signed up for yoga classes in eddition to my spinning classes.

I too would leave him more often if my mom was close, as the gym isn't too far away. I don't pump and he doesn't eat solids so that effects it alot.
When he starts walking I might try the gym daycare, but I don't want him to be trampled on- actually I think he would be ok with it- he loves other kids, people, being out, he is very social, but dh is not in favor of this and right now he is watching him when I work out, so that is working fine.

[mamaroni]

I have child care for my kids 1 day per week, and my older two go to preschool an additional 1/2 day (3 hours) per week. We do not live near any family, and while my parents or sister the ILs will occasionally (like maybe 2x/year) have the kids overnight on a weekend, we do not have any regular family help. But, even if we did have family or really good friends/established neighbors nearby, it is a lot to ask with 3 kids! I recently moved to a new neighborhood where lots of young families live, and became good friends with another mom -- we trade kids from time to time. I love it! I am also considering joining a fitness club that has a great child care center included in the membership fee.

I feel very fortunate to have a great child care situtation on a very part-time basis. I use the time for appointments, running multiple errands, house cleaning/organizing projects, making phone calls, big grocery trips, and maybe even lunch with dh or a friend (things that aren't so easy to do with 3 little ones).

[PajamaMama]

I have a regular babysitter...she babysits for us about 2x a month. She is a single mama and aspiring API leader and I couldn't ask for a better arrangement. DH and I go out for 2-3 hours and we pay her $25 for that time. That's our agreement-however long we are gone, we will give her $25. But we would never abuse that...I wouldn't want to be away from the kids for more than that 3 hours or so!

I do have friends who would watch my kids for free, but this is much better for me. I feel like we are paying her for a service, so we don't owe each other anything other than the money and the babysitting, kwim?

Outside of this arrangement she is my friend and we hang out sometimes so our toddlers can play together in the daytime, etc. I am *so* lucky to know her and to have someone I trust with my kids. I babysat as a teen, but I can't imagine having a teen watch my own kids!

I feel like I will get plenty of alone time when they are grown and gone...so I don't sweat it if I have to go for a few weeks now without a break.

[mimom2one]

we hardly ever leave dd with anyone i think we have a total of 4 times. we look at it as she is ours and mostly if she can't go its not worth going. it took us 8 yrs of tryin' to get our angel so we're not missin' any of it....

kim