any other moms full time raising thier step kids?

[liz-hippymom]

hi- my step son tristan is almost 4 and i have been raising him full time since he was 14 months old.his mom sees him once a month now, but for a long time didnt at all. he calls me mommy- his own choosing- and calls her by her first name mostly.i hate having to explain my situation to others, like WHY his mom isnt around, all that jazz.
also my feelings and emotions have changed and become more complicated as the years pass.
at first i wanted to swoop down and SAVE him, be the perfect loving mommy, fix him..and now some days i feel so jaded. in the begining it looked like we would be able to termintate- do to biomom's profession of choice- prostitution- and her lack of interest in seeing him..but that wasnt in the cards, and now wont ever be-most likely-and i came to a place during my last pregnancy where i decided to be the better person and try to get her interested in him..and its been somewhat of a success. i just hate how she is the one who swoops in and brings him presnts and acts like his best friend, while im the one who does all the not so fun stuff, deals with the tantrums ect.
and i fell guilty that i just could never muster up the same connection to him i have with my other kids (5, 11 months)
i cant believe i SAID that.. i think it all the time..
sorry this is totally rambling.

[Maggie Mae]

liz. Don't have any BTDT thoughts for you - just wanted to offer some support. And FWIW, I do think you're doing the right thing by 'being the better person', although its not your responsibility to try to foster a relationship btw DSD and his bio-mom. They're going to have to hash that out themselves at some point and whatever happens, your DSD will be able to cope with it better because he's had you as a supportive, *consistent* loving presence in his life.

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up for feeling differently about your kids - all relationships are different!

[Summertime Mommy]

i'm raising a stepchild too. I have been raising her since she was 3, she is 6 now, she will be 7 in July. I totally get how you feel about feeling different about your step child than your other children. It makes me feel horrible, but I have a really hard time being as connected to her as I am to my other children. It is actually comforting to know that someone else struggles with t he same feelings. Her mother is in and out of the picture which makes it hard too, especially because she holds bio mom on such a high pedestool. Anyway, need to get to bed, but just wanted to chime in on this thread.

[Shenjall]

Me too!

I have 3 (ages 9, 12 and 14). They have been with us for about 5 years now.
I also have 1 from a previous relationship. I have conflicting bonding issues as well. I sometimes feel like I'm closer to my youngest (my 2 with dh) than I am with my other 4. sigh. Its so complicated, isnt it?

But its so nice to have this safe place to discuss!

[Flor]

I don't feel that differently about the two boys (just don't dangle them over a cliff and tell me to save just one). Dss was my first son and I mothered him first. I went through his rough spots with his mom with him, so I am really connected to him. Also, it is great that you will be the better person. That is my motto in all dealings with the ex. It is great that you are fostering a relationship between the bio mom and the son-- I think it IS my obligation. God knows my dh couldn't deal with her and dss is MUCH happier when he feels loved by his bio mom so I help him feel that way.
When we first got married I just wanted her to dissapear (she was 300 miles away anyway) but I realized that if she felt included, she was much less manipulative and crazy and if dss felt like she remembered him, he was happier.

It was REALLY hard for me when she cleaned up her act, sobered up and moved back here. She has him 2 days one week, 3 days the next, now. It was hard for me to let him go a little.

[Icelemon]

Full-time Step Mom

I'm so glad to hear that others have the same feelings...I have been married for almost 2 years and my step kids have a mom with the same profession as your step-kids' bio-mom. We have since moved to a different state and they don't have much contact with her...we have had some issues with their emotional stability (mostly the older one - 10 year old boy...the younger just turned 7 and she didn't have as much neglect as our son), but they are doing pretty good under the circumstances....however, I have no kids of my own and it's hard for me to bond with them because I haven't, so I thought maybe if I knew what it was like to be a mom, then I would have an easier time understanding how I SHOULD feel...I don't want them to suffer because they are missing out on some aspect of a 'real' mom. I have been trying, but I'm also worried if I have my own child that I will feel more bonded with them than I would my step kids. At least I know the feeling is normal and at least we are stepping up to fill in a VERY hard job. The kids will be better off with us in their lives any way...and we couldn't be worse than the bio-moms in their lives!

[htcamommy]

I have been raising my dsd's since they were 7 & 5. I homeschool them & because of the nature of the homeschooling community (extremely christian) we get asked ALOT of questions as do they. For some reason people seem to pity them because their mother is not in their day to day life. The girls have been going to their mothers home alot more lately since I gave birth to ds in Feb & we've had alot of issues arise from it. Its SO hard when your the one in that mothering role 99% of the time to have to step back and say "okay wait she's the mom". This weekend we found out that she's been allowing them to hang out with a 17 year old (they are 14 &12) down the street all hours of the night. Of course she's the greatest parent EVER according to them suddenly & I "suck". Funny how I have shown up to every single event in your lives but now I "suck". Makes you rather resentful kwim?

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by liz-hippymom

i fell guilty that i just could never muster up the same connection to him i have with my other kids (5, 11 months)
i cant believe i SAID that.. i think it all the time..
sorry this is totally rambling.

Well we have similar situations! My son has been with my DH & I full time since he was 19 months old. His mother talks to him once a week (sometimes not) because we more or less pushed her to (this is only since Nov). She didn't talk to or see him for over a year straight before that. I felt like we weren't making it easy enough for her. So, we went and made it "easy" by actually encouraging her and she still isn't very interested. It's sad. I thought it was us but it wasn't.

I completely understand your guilt. I've learned how much harder it is to be a stepmom than a mom. The bond isn't just handed over to us from nature. It's work...like most relationships. My son pushes me away a lot. I think it's from loyalty to his mom. For a while there, we did have a strong bond (one I had to work a lot on!) but it's gone away since she returned. I think he might be scared to love me...maybe he's thinking she might leave again if he does.
I just meet him where he is at and even then, I have to constantly be aware of my tendency to be ambivalent. It's a one-way relationship most days. I'm learning as we go here. I'm learning that when he isn't asking for my affection, that I should not take it personally and that I should continue to stand in that "space" emotionally & mentally as best I can.

The key words there are "as best I can". Just do your best! If the guilt is to much, then go "there". Find out what your soul is really saying. Seek help if you need to. We did and it was well worth it!