Does DP feel financial pressure as the sole breadwinner?

[FireWithin]

I was thinking about another thread about SAHM guilt concerning finances. Something I experience sometimes, even though I know I should not.

We both work hard to keep our financial life going. As there are times I feel pressure (from myself) about my lack of bringing in money, DH struggles with the fact he does not bring in enough money. Archivists just don't make much money, especially at the university he works.

I remind him that we made the decision together to have a one income family, and that we are both responsible for the money coming in, even though he is the only one putting on a tie in the morning. I also reminded him that we both purposefully chose careers that would be satisfying, but not necessarily financially rewarding. I am thrilled that he loves what he does, and he recognizes how much of an impact his job satisfaction is to our family. Yet, I know he still feels pressure, and has a hard time not feeling he should have gone for a high income, but less rewarding (for him) career.

So how does your DP feel about being the sole breadwinner?

[CerridwenLorelei]

yes very much so

our original plans had to change due to my illnesses. I will not be able to switch off with him as we had planned after all. So now pretty much he is it for now and for the future. That is a very hard and heavy burden to carry when you had other plans kwim?

[indie]

Originally Posted by Mammo2Sammo

I also reminded him that we both purposefully chose careers that would be satisfying, but not necessarily financially rewarding.

I hear you on that. DH's salary is low and it is difficult to scrape by on his meager salary and pay the necessities plus the school loans. When I was working it was very common for DH to leave a job if he wasn't happy with it without having another lined up. Now he knows that he cannot do that even though he has wanted to.

[dharmamama]

The pressure that my dh feels is of the "What if I were laid off and we had NO money coming in?" kind. He doesn't feel any pressure about his salary. He earns what he earns and we live accordingly. Yes, we wish we had more money, but we don't, so we do the best we can with what we have.

Namaste!

[savannah smiles]

My dh feels the burden, too. I think for him he dislikes feeling "locked" into a job or being forced to always be the one who finds a new job although once my dd is in school I'll work again as well. Money isn't a big issue because we're pretty comfy on just his salary but if he were to get fired or be unable to work, we'd be in big trouble.

[nankilicious]

We are really struggling with this lately. DH is really unhappy with his job, especially with his salary. When we both worked, we were ok (although we still ran up our credit cards and felt like we didnt have enough!) Now, on half our former income, we are feeling the pinch.

Dh is stressed out all the time, angry when he comes home from work for at least an hour "decompressing", and feels like the weekends are his time to "relax" which means, do nothing.

Not to mention we cant pay for things like new eyeglasses.

I know it sounds like I am complaining...we both feel its super important for me to be home with our dd, and I simply could NOT leave her with anyone, but its very much a struggle lately, and its impacting our relationship.

[mamaroni]

Nancy

We have talked about this a little bit -- my dh does feel some pressure, but like dharmamama said, it's more about providing, period, rather than how much he is providing. Dh has been very successful in his career, and I do think he sometimes feels pressure, particularly in these not so great economic times.

I think this is a very normal feeling for the primary financial provider to feel, though. I do try to think about how that would feel. I try to be sensitive to the issue at least.

[edamommy]

Yep, my dh worries a lot. Luckily he has a more financially rewarding job (and this is the career he has chosen!). He quit his going-nowhere job a week before I found out I was pregnant (I wasn't suppose to get preg easily... yet it only took a few months instead of a few years!lol) to start his own building company. SO it was hard for a while during the pregnancy... but he found his niche and now is making a fine amount of $. If it was an issue of him not being able to sustain us while working the job of his dream- I would go back to work to help him make that happen... or to help me make it happen. We should all feel comfortable pursuing our dreams.

[cozymama]

..

[nankilicious]

Originally Posted by lilhomegrownmama

For me it's not so much about SAH, as someone else caring for our kid(s). .

I totally agree.

I also work part time from home and occasionally a few hours on the weekend, but bring my dd with me. I specifically love what I do since it is baby-compatible.

We also live extremely frugally, our one exception is organic meat (is it called organic meat? hormone-free, antibiotic free, humanely treated, etc)

I try to be sensitive and helpful to my DH too. I email him job listings from Monster. I offer him ways to talk to his boss about a raise. I try to assure him that we are not just steps away from poverty. DH just has this stubborn personality. He hates his situation, but he is scared to try and change it.

But then I have my own moments of fear and doubt and worry, too.

like I said, we are struggling, but for the right reasons, ykwim? I mean, I could go back to my old job, double our family income, but then my dd would have to spend 9 hours a day in daycare, and I dont think thats worth the tradeoff. Plus, I nurse her all day long! So, its really not feasible. Hopefully, I will be able to make more money off my home business, and ease the strain a little.

[Earnest]

My wife is a SAHM, and I just want to add that, from my perspective, it is very stressful. I used to be cocky at work, carefree that if something did not suit me, I would move on. Now, I am much more cautious. If I have a big project to do, I want to do well not just to do well for me, but so that I can keep my job for the family. The odd thing is, my wife has a greater earning potential than me, and she always tells me to relax, she could always go back to work if my job blew up... but I feel this pressure to find a way, any way, to continue providing her with the opportunity to be with our girls all the time. I don't want anything to change... and that is a bad perspective to come from. My wife says it is a pride thing, and she may be right (I have issues there), but I think it is more so that I see our girls are thriving with her, and I do not want to mess it up.

[Tuesday]

Definiltey, DH feels pressure. He works extremely long hard hours at his job and is away from DS and I too often. Yet, his salary is not enough to pay for our fixed expenses. My savings from working are covering extra emergencies (car repairs, property taxes, etc. ) and there is only enough left for a couple of years. I feel for him because he is so tired and works so hard and yet that is not enough to keep us going. I'd work part time in heart beat but the nature of his schedule has been making it impossible for me to find a job during the time he is home. I really admire my DH for all his efforts.

[Jade2561]

Its hard on my dh, even though we can pay all of our bills (most of the time), we live paycheck to paycheck and usually don't have extra money to go out, buy extra stuff, ect. I would work if I had to, but I'm not finished college (I'm 21) and haven't worked since I got married (18) so I don't have any meaningful work experience.

[kellywhalen]

I have been SAHMing for 8 years, through the VERY lean college years, and the low income years. We are still catching up even though DH now makes a really good salary, but it never feels like enough. (we'd like to have all our debt paid, and savings to boot, but that will only come with time)

He is under intense pressure from a job he hates, so he is looking elsewhere, he hopes to increase his salary by 20%, which is actually plausible in his field.
I think he is under a different kind of pressure now than he was when we were young, in college and pregnant (or with our little babe). Then he was forced to find some way to support us all, now he is trying to create a career and a way of life for our family.

It is hard either way, there is always something to be stressed about financially and career wise.

I have learned to be compassionate of his needs (as his is of mine as a SAHM), but I'm not sure I always relate.

I wish I had some career to fall back on, but I have no degree and no skills that are valued in the workplace.

I think he will always be the "breadwinner", because it is what is best for our family. I think he will always feel that pressure, but though he "hates" his current job, he just accepts the "breadwinner" presssure as his role in our family, the same way I sometimes suck up those bad feelings about SAHMing.
HTH