Polite homebirth?

[veganmamma]

Okay, so I said from the beginning I was going to have a homebirth, but everyone in my dp's family jumped all over it, and I didn't like nay midwives that I talked to, and we weren't sure if we could afford it, so I agreed to birth in a hospital. As soon as I agreed I got so overwhelmed with anxiety I didn't want to ever give birth, I just wanted to be pregnant forever. I hired a doula to ease the pain, and she told us her beautiful daughter was born at home in the water. My dp, who had been a bit squeamish about home birth at first wanted me to look into waterbirth, but I was afraid I would just be disappointed. When I agreed to go to the hospital, I invited my MIL to attend, and my best friend, I felt like I needed an army of people to save me in the hospital, (which I could rant about forever.) Anyway, I looked into waterbirth, and my doula has helped me arrange a waterbirth at home, where I will be safe. As soon as we decided to do it at home, I immediately just wanted my dp, mom, doula and midwives, but no one else. Even that seems lie a lot of people. We haven't told dp's mom or dad about homebirth, as they were not too thrilled about the idea, and almost burst with joy at the idea of a hospital.

So, my dilemma is, my best friend thinks she's coming, and she's not, and I don't know how to tell her, but I'm not afraid to just call her after the baby is born and say that it just felt right the way it was. I guess that's not a dilemma...

The real one, the one that gives me knots of anxiety and butterflies about birth is the MIL part. We are keeping HB a secret from the rest of the family because they will only be critical, which I really don't need, but dp's parents will be very hurt if they think MIL is coming to hospital birth and we call them and say baby was born at home, and we planned it the whole time and didn't tell them bc they aren't supportive enough.

What do I do?

I want this to be a safe, private time, but I don't know how to do it! I am angry that they expect me to have a hospital birth when I know I am safer,and so is my baby, at home. Every time they say anything about the hospital I get angry at them even though they don't know anything. I love my in laws and I am very close with both of them, but they are not condusive to my birth experience? Should we tell them about HB and ask them to be discreet about it, and explain that we may call them shortly after the baby is born? Also, they are watching our dogs, during my labor, so they will know when I am going in, although I am looking for an alternative to that too. I dunno... somebody help me!! It seems like I'll never have the birth I want, which is only to feel safe, supported and know that everyone around me has confidence in my ability to birth MY way. HELLLLLLPPPPP MEEEE!!!!!!!

[Velveteen]

Oh dear, I am so sorry you are going through this! I had conflict between my professional doula, and my mid-wife for my expected home birth. It put me in the situation of being a referee, and making decisions that were SO hard. It affected my birth, and I wish I had known about this philosophy difference ahead of time. Anyway, birth at home is such an intimate thing. You need only the people you absolutely want to be there. This is your birth! It is not a time to worry about everyone else's feelings. If you feel it would avoid ongoing conflict, I would gently tell them ahead of time that you have had a 'change of plans'. Tell them that your mid-wife encourages only one or two other people. It would be great if you could get this cleared up ahead of time, so you can really enjoy this birth. My homebirths were an experience I wouldn't trade for anything....but the conflict, I resented.
Dont' try to justify your choice, just be positive, and your confident statement of fact 'this is how it is going to be'.
Hang in there! I will be rooting for you!
Incidentally, with my first homebirth, I told only my sister-in-law I would be at home. I knew my choice would be fiercly challenged. This way, I could call them 'after the fact'.
Your best friend will understand. She will be disappointed, but she will understand.
We are here for you!

[New Moon]

Since they are so close to you, and will find out in the end, is there any way you and your dp can sit down with them and have heart to heart talk about your plans for the birth? What about having them come to a prenatal to meet your mws...your mws may be able to assuage their fears about home birth, at least a little bit. Bottom line is this is your birth, your story, and it would be hard to worry about your inlaws during labor. I dont know how your relationship is with them, though so its really your call. I hope it works out for you.
Blessings
New moon

[bloobug]

I would just be honest. It's your birth. You shouldn't be worried about what everybody else wants.
My first birth I had dh, MIL, my mom, and midwife. I still have no problem with the fact they were there. It was a fabulous experience for the moms to have.
They automatically assumed that this time they were invited too.
I just told them we were going to let them sleep, work, whatever, and would call when it was over. They were incredibly disappointed. But, I didn't care. They got over it.
If they hadn't, then it's their problem.
I always politely remind them to keep their comments to themselves when the subject would come up. I tell them that homebirth is an incredibly positive driven force and I didn't need them getting my thoughts all sticky. It usually works. They usually just shake their heads and ask the odd question once in a while.
But, on my other hand. Our birth this time is also a secret. We've decided to have an unassisted birth. So we basically don't say anything to anyone. Thanksgiving is coming up and I know the questions will be pouring in about my pregnancy and midwife and plans and everything. Still stressing a bit on how to handle it.
May just spill my guts. LOL Good luck and just do what feels right.

Megan

[cottonwood]

It may be uncomfortable, but if you want to avoid long-term grudge holding and hurt feelings on their part, you really just have to talk to them about it. How you approach this has a lot to do with who they are, and with who you are, but my suspicion is that in your situation you may have to do some salving and hand-holding. They assume authority and a right to pressure you only by virtue of their position and age -- which of course is not a valid authority at all -- so it seems to me what you have to do is look past that and see that what is really driving them is their fear and desire. Approach them as you would anyone who is negatively influenced by these things -- that is, slowly, unthreateningly, and with compassion.

If it were me, I would preface the meeting by saying that you love them so it means a lot to you to have their understanding and respect even if they do not ultimately support your choice. Then explain that you've been doing research about birth and have come to the conclusion that in your situation homebirth and privacy will be most conducive to a normal, therefore safe, birth.

You could have books and articles at the ready, and just simply say, "if you are willing to do the research also, I would be happy to talk further with you about it, but otherwise, no." Or, "I know you don't understand our choices; here is some information that will help."

When we were planning a homebirth thankfully no one in our family assumed they had the right to be there or the right to tell us what to do, but they did talk a lot about helping, so there was still the concern about hurt feelings if I refused their help. Just to be safe, I talked a lot about my philosophy of birth any time they were around, and they eventually got the point without us having to sit down and have The Talk. With somebody who you've already promised could come to the birth, IMO you should be a little more pointed about what's going to happen; that's only fair to them. But you could certainly still make an effort to make it seem like you're bringing them in closer than shutting them out, for instance enthusiastically talking about how much you've been learning about birth and how the human body and mind work, and all about the things (like absolute privacy) that are conducive to the body functioning ideally and why that is from a scientific perspective, blah blah blah, and how you're excited about doing it this way.

You write: "It seems like I'll never have the birth I want, which is only to feel safe, supported and know that everyone around me has confidence in my ability to birth MY way."

(The following might sound harsh, and I apologize if you feel it to be -- my intent is not for you to feel more anxious, just the opposite!) I know it's most pleasant to have everybody on your side. But looking outward for affirmation and validation is always a risky business, and never ultimately empowering. And in your situation it sounds like you have little chance of getting it anyway, and at least not right away. You have two choices: look inward for your strength and happiness, or give others the power to "make" you weak and unhappy.

[pbk]

*stepping out of lurkdom on this board to reply*

With my first homebirth, we did not tell my ILs that I would not be going to a hospital. They knew I was having a midwife, but not a dr. When they asked which hospital I was going to, we told them the hospital that I would have used if we transported. They assumed we'd call them during labor and they could pace around a waiting room. Like you said about your ILs, mine seemed to burst with joy over the idea a hospital birth as well.

We knew they'd be very critical of the idea of homebirth. My first baby was born via c-section, so I was having not just a homebirth, but also a VBAC. We did not want to deal with months of comments, questions and criticism, so we opted to not tell them anything. A few hours after Isabella was born, we called them and by that time it was a done deal. They asked a few questions later, but they were overjoyed with their new grandchild and the birth went well, so we were spared a great deal of questioning.

Birth is private IMO. You don't have to tell anyone about your birthing plans or the changes in them if you don't want to. I would suggest finding a different spot for your dogs so that you don't have to worry about them questioning you in labor if you chose to not tell them about it. It is your birth. The only people you have to please are yourself and your baby.

Brenda, mama to Abigail, Isabella (HBAC) and Vincent (HBAC 6 weeks ago)

http://www.peanutbutterkisses.com

[hippiemom2]

All I can add is that you have to take charge of your birth! This is your birth and you need to make it how you want it. Get used to taking charge hon, that is what being a mommy is all about. The birth is the perfect time to call upon the goddess who resides within you and take charge of the situation. Honesty is the best policy. I had my last baby while in the Navy. Let's just say that I had uphill battle when I informed Navy medical that I was having a homebirth and there was no way I would have my baby in their facility. There will always be the nay sayers but you have to just chalk it up to lack of education on their part. They may not understand that homebirth is a perfectly normal way to have your baby. If they are open minded perhaps you could try and pass on some books or something. If they are not, then screw them. You will have your baby your way and they can just get out of the way!

Don't worry over hurt feelings. A best friend should be able to understand where you are coming from. Perhaps, she could take the dogs instead of the in-laws. Don't know the situation though but that is a suggestion.


Shelbi

[veganmamma]

Thanks to all of you for your help and support! I am about ready to just say, "I'm not going to the hospital." The next time it comes up. I shouldn't have to defend mysef. My poor mom never lies, so when MIL said, "The next time I see you will probably be at Kaiser!" my mom just made a face like she was so nervous about me giving birth, which is the furthest from the truth. If the ILs can't deal with it, then they can't and I just will avoid them for a bit. Dp wants to talk to them which made me nervous bc he wanted to just do it himself so it wouldn't seem like a big deal, but I thought maybe they would bully him--they are his parents, and they still boss around their grown kids who usually listen. He said, "I'm the Daddy now, and I'm doing what's best and safest for my family and my child, and I know that. Are you still nervous?" I'm not really, but I still get irritated at everyone and their advice, I want to move to Natural Labor & Birth at Home Land and just deal with people who agree with me. Know what i mean??? Sometimes I wish everyone could be my labor support team. I mean, that everyone was just like them. Anyway, thank you all, we printed all of your advice and we're figuring out what we're going to do. I'll keep you posted.

Love,
Lauren

[PumpkinSeeds]

You are giving birth to your baby not hosting a three ring circus. If you don't want people there, just tell them. Don't worry about hurting other peoples feelings because you don't want them there. You are all adults, and they can handle it. Trust in yourself that they can handle it. THey will respect you more if you just say what you want and follow thru with it. Of course it might not seem like it at the moment, but think how your relationship with your mil or your friend would be changed because your didn't even bother to tell them until AFTER the baby was born what your plans were.

You go girl!