How do I help my dd deal with "mean girls"?

[Lil'M]

I posted this in Parenting Issues without any response so maybe this is a better place. Those of you here with preteens hopefully have some experience and good advice to offer...

My almost 8 yr old dd, who is very sociable and friendly is telling me that there are 4 girls in her gymnastics class who are being mean to her. Actually, I found out because I saw a girl point to dd behind her back to another girl and make a gagging motion with her finger down her throat. (ykwim) She recently started a new session at the gym at a different time, so she doesn't really know these kids and they may have been in the class with each other for a while. So after class, I asked her if the girls in this new class are nice and she told me that 4 are mean to her and the others are ok. I can't switch her to a different day or time because her younger sister's class is at the same time and a friend signed up with us and helps carpool after school, etc. etc. There may be another session at the same time for her age and level that I could switch her into, but I'm not even sure that's a good idea. I mean, there will be mean kids everywhere and I can't prevent her from encountering them and she'll have to learn how to deal with them.

So I told her that probably they are mean to her because they are not really happy kids and it makes them feel better to make dd feel bad. I said that she can say to them "I'm sorry that you are unhappy and feel you have to be mean to me. I'm a happy kid and I'm not going to let you bother me." Is that ok? She's not even sure she can remember that nor have the courage to say that to them.

What else can I do to help her with this?

Thanks in advance for any advice/suggestions.

Miriam

[lauraess]

I finally saw your post over in childhood so go there and see.
~L

[sunnysideup]

I've intended to respond to this, but my little one often prevents me from posting in a timely manner... sorry you haven't gotten much of a response.

I hate that this happens! I think this is so hard for us moms-- we were girls and we remember what it feels like! It's so hard to see your daughter have to experience it. Another mom was recently posting about dealing with a similar issue. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=271915

I would talk to the gymnastics coach in private or on the phone. He or she might have ideas or insights on the situation. I would also try to facilitate other friendships with girls in the gymnastics group. There have got to be some nice kids in there too. If your daughter has friends in the group the mean girls will probably back off. I think they tend to focus on girls that are alone.

[lunamegn]

I'm not a mother yet, but I went through a lot of stuff similar to what you're talkin about in regards to mean girls. I think the most important thing is to instill in your daughter a deep sense of self-respect and a healthy self-esteem. I always think about how my parents and I could have handled mean girls (and boys) differently. I think about what I will tell my daughter (or son) when this stuff arises (if it ever does).

I don't think that running away from the mean girls will do anything to effectively solve the problems. I always wondered what would have happened if I would have just stuck up for myself when people were being mean to me instead of allowing them to see that they were getting to me and saying nothing - or running away. I don't have anything that your daughter can say to make them stop - but I always thought that if I would have had a higher self-esteem and/or my parents would have told me to stand up for myself, things might have turned out differently. Perhaps explain to your daughter that those girls are just being mean to get a response out of her. Sometimes when children bully other children it's because of their own insecurities. You could explain that perhaps those girls don't have a happy family like she does... I don't know. I'm still working on these kinds of things myself. But I definetly think that things would have turned out differently if I would have stood up for myself and "fought" back - not literally of course.

Hope that helps.