or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Just received a disturbing call regarding my dd
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Just received a disturbing call regarding my dd - Page 4

post #61 of 79
Originally Posted by MotherEden
I explained to her that she doesn't have to decide her sexual pref at 14. Hell, she doesnt need to decide it at 40. And I will be there for her no matter what.

What an amazing mama you are!
post #62 of 79
Originally Posted by thismama
Re the walking home - I think it is not the distance, but the disrespect, that is the issue.
Yeah, that too...
post #63 of 79
Yay MotherEden! That sounds great... if I were your dd I would want to have you for my mama. You are doing the best you can with a crappy situation, supporting your kid and offering as many options as possible.

Re the walking home - I think it is not the distance, but the disrespect, that is the issue.
ITA Well put

Hugs for you - I think you're handling this so well. I've been following this thread and FWIW, it's sparked some interesting (in a good way, I mean productive) dialogue b/w DH and I about the many issues you're dealing with here. I hope that you're able to have some constructive dialogue (eventually?) with the other mother. I feel badly for her daughter In any event, I wish you and your DD peace re this situation
post #64 of 79
I read this thread with a lot of interest since I have a gay father who as lived his entire life feeling inadequate and ashamed. I think *most* people have at least had same sex crushes at some point. I would be horrified, though, to walk in on my kid doing anything that graphic. I just don't know what I would do.

It sounds like you handled it the best you could under the circumstances. I wish your family the best.
post #65 of 79
I don't have anything to add, but I couldn't read and not send my thoughts to your daughter. You have a beautiful heart, and if any one can steer her through this ugly time it is you.
post #66 of 79
for you, and a for your daughter.

You are handling it beautifully. I hope she gets through this with the least amount of pain possible. That woman sounds horrible. I grew up in a school district just like that. Ugghhh.
post #67 of 79
Originally Posted by Ary99
I would be horrified, though, to walk in on my kid doing anything that graphic. I just don't know what I would do.
The way to avoid that is to knock first
post #68 of 79
Lots of s for you and your DD.
post #69 of 79
I hope things are looking better than they did at first. I hope the other mom has had a chance to calm down and think before talking. I'll be thinking of you, your dd, and the other girl. I think she's in the worst place: having your mom reject what you do in such a way must be so hard on a teenager.
post #70 of 79
Wow, Momma, I'm so sorry that this has happened.

I haven't read all of the other posts because I needed to talk with you right away.

DO NOT start setting up meetings with "older lesbians". Your daughter most likely is NOT a lesbian. Again, there's nothing wrong with it, but, it's very rare. If this were me, it would only confuse me more and anger me.

.................................................. ................................

Listen, when I was fourteen years old, I was crazy. I couldn't keep my thoughts straight, I thought about sex all of the time, I had constant sleep overs with my girlfriend and TALKED about sex all of the time, even verbal role playing that went on for years. I've since learned that this is EXTREMELY normal. It never got physical, but, if I had been just a little different, it easily could have.

When I DANCED with another "girl"friend at a highschool dance, I was labeled "The Lesbian".

Fortunately this happened when I was 17 (big age difference from 14) and I had a very very very strong sense of who I was and I got through it - but it never went away. I was constantly called "dyke" and I even had my life threatened by a huge guy one day. People are so volatile and cruel at that age, I really think it's unfortunate that we pen them all up together for five days a week.

Another couple of girls had this happen when they were in the Sixth grade... and it stayed with them for years and years.

I didn't like talking with my parents about sex, who does, but, when my mother caught wind of it and started asking me "if I was questioning my sexuality" I wanted to crawl under the tile floor. See, I knew who I was, I didn't need my Mother questioning it.... I just needed to hear her say "They're JERKS! You're NORMAL, people are stupid packs of jackals much of the time, and I'll love you if you grow a third arm." And left it at that.

************************************************** *******

Momma, I don't know if your daughter feels the exact same way that I did, but, that experience was so powerful, I will always rember exactly how I felt. Deeply angry, confused, frustrated, misunderstood and violated (it was NObody's business but MINE).

You need to just tell your daughter how fantastic you know she is, how smart and gorgeous and capable and strong she is. And that you know that she is the best judge of herself, and her own feelings, and that MOST WOMEN have gone through a stage of either curiousity about the same sex, or experiementing with the same sex BECAUSE most girls are completely flooded with sexual thoughts at that age, AND they are NOT allowed to be around the opposite sex, OR, they aren't READY to dabble with boys, so, they depend on their trusted, safe, close, easily understandable girlfriends for either discussion, or exploration. This is as normal as zits and periods.

Momma, I am sending you all of my strength. Your daughter is probably feeling angry and upset right now, and she just needs to know that this is N.O.R.M.A.L.

As far as the town goes, that's the toughy. You might have to move. I know that sounds extreme, but, as understanding as you can be, and even though we know this to be very common, others are not so understanding, especially teens and peers.

This will probably get out and if it does it won't go away. Your daughter will be in for a very rough ride. And while I'm sure you could help her through it, it might be something that you'd like to avoid all together if you can.... while assuring her that it's not because of HER that you're moving, but, because of assinine other people.

Is that possible?

Hang in there, I'm really really really feeling for you and your girl right now.



Just read this:

explained to her that she doesn't have to decide her sexual pref at 14. Hell, she doesnt need to decide it at 40. And I will be there for her no matter what. I assured her that I know how cruel teenagers can be and if she would like to be homeschooled until we move (which is in one year) that's fine with me, but it's up to her.
I also explained to her that Lucys mom is very small minded and if we allow ourselves to be hurt by people like her then we are rewarding their efforts.

DH stayed home from work today to take care of the twins so DD and I could have some alone time.

YOU ROCK! If I could give your girl a big bear hug I would right now. You're handling this perfectly. Way to go. How is your man doing? I'm glad you're moving in a year, and I'm joyful that she has parents like you, way to go.
post #71 of 79
She said she always felt pressured to be intimate with her
Oh the irony, that now the other mom may paint this as the opposite. That mom sure is swimming in that river in Egypt isn't she? HER precious baby would be pure and white as the driven snow if it weren't for those Other People and their Bad Influence. (What a sad way to approach love and sex and stuff.)

Big, big hugs to you and your dd and I will be sending good thoughts to the other girl too, who must be in hell right now with a mom like that. It would be nice to think her mom might apologize to her for her reaction, maybe I'm naive though...

You might consider talking to a counselor of some kind...not to "fix" anything but to cope with the fallout. Just a thought...MDC might serve that purpose as well.
post #72 of 79
Maybe I am reading some posts wrong, but I'd like to just point out that if she is gay, it's totally N.O.R.M.A.L. too!
post #73 of 79
I am so sorry you have to deal with this idiot. Unfortunately this can become a very scary situation. If you are really in that proverbial small town, you might well be blackballed (as though they needed this stick to beat you with) and your daughter might face more tangible repercussions than ostracism or gossip. She might be physically harrassed and have little recourse if law enforcement in your area is as backward as the morons you live among.

While you have the immediate problem of your poor daughter's humiliation and pain, as well as how the neighborhood will respond, I wouldn't call it paranoid to contact organizations such as P-FLAG and ask what you can do in the event of harrassment. I would also be especially protective of your daughter for a while. It's not as though you live in New York or Frisco where you can just shrug it off and ignore it. I second talking to a gay/bi/etc friendly counsellor who can support you & your dd through this.

The problem is if this had not been discovered, it might have been something she moved on from and rarely thought of in the future, like many folks' experimentation days. Now she has to deal with issues of identity and sexuality that she is rather young to be trying to pinpoint and cope with. What should have just been fun and maybe a giddy secret has become this sordid public nightmare. I am so sorry.

Annie on my Mind is a great book for the 12-16 age range (I first read it as an adult) about some high school girls who are in love but not sure they want to be identified as gay, etc. There is also a scene of melodramatic discovery. It is a lovely, lovely book that your daughter might enjoy reading, when she is ready.
post #74 of 79
Oh, I just read the whole thread and am glad to see you were already planning to move. What is the school environment like? Is it likely to be a threatening or ugly place for her to be if this gets out? Would the admin know how to handle it properly?
post #75 of 79
Wow, poor kid. Its hard enough being a teenager without having some sneaking maniac starting a lynch mob.

I can remember having crushes on girls when I was really young...I liked boys, too, fairly early. I didn't understand why I liked some boys and some girls differently, or some female teachers... When I did hear about women that liked women, it was in a far from positive light. If you weren't strictly hetero, you were going to hell. Even in high school I hadn't figured out that I was bi. I was 19 before it finally hit me. (Strangely enough after I'd moved out of my family's place and gone to college.) I can remember being accused of being a lesbian in middle school and high school after NOT looking in gym locker rooms or showers. I was sooo careful about it, that it found me out. And that was hell. Luckily no one ever got parents involved. I can't imagine how she has to be feeling.

She might be like me, an equal opportunity lover. Or, as a friend of mine puts it, she just doesn't discriminate gender when choosing lovers. Make sure she doesn't feel pigeonholed. For me, while I'm still bisexual, I am quite happily married and live a very "straight" life. Occasionally a girl on the street will warrant a (now open) second look, though. :

If things get too bad, you might want to consider pulling her out of school. We had a lesbian pair in high school get the snot beaten out of them by a pack of rednecks. Particularly if she's being painted as the tainter of innocents. Hopefully that creepy woman calms down and thinks about the fact that she'll be implicating her own daughter and keeps her trap shut. Darn small towns and their closemindedness...

Hugs to all of you in this time of stress.... You're an amazing mommy, I wish I'd had you a mom as understanding as you when I was growing up!
post #76 of 79
Hey, how are you and your daughter doing?
post #77 of 79
My thoughts have been with you and your family. How was going back to school for your dd and how is she? Has your dd been able to find out if her friend is ok? I hope they are able to talk somehow.
post #78 of 79
just another one saying that you *and* your daughter and family are amazing! That woman and anyone who goes along with her b*llsh*t have some bad karma coming their way.
post #79 of 79
Also wondering about you and your daughter and hoping you're dong all right...
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Just received a disturbing call regarding my dd