Does Your DP Feel the Children are your Responsibility because SAHM?

[Peony]

My issue is that because I'm a SAHM, DH sees me as the child expert. He is a good dad, dd and him will play together for hours, but that is all he will do with dd without me telling him. If she needs a diaper change, I have to tell him to do it, I'm asked him before how come he doesn't just do it, and his response was that he doesn't know when it's needed . Let's see, every 2 hours for the past 2 years! It's the same way with everything, I tell him she is hungry, he opens the pantry and just stands there, saying "well, I don't know what to feed her". Bath time, packing up to go somewhere, and on and on. If dd isn't in the best mood, he'll ask me what up with her, as if I can read a 2 year old's mind. I felt this belonged in SAHMing because I feel he is this way becaue I SAHM, dd and I are together 24/7 where as DH only sees her for a couple hours at night, then a day or 2 on the weekend. He doesn't know our daily routine, and sometimes I think he feels like an outsider. Childcare is another issue. I usually take dd everywhere with me, but on the rare day where I have a dentist appointment or something like that, and I need someone to watch her for an hour or so, DH feels like that is my job to find someone. He is self employed and could take off early to watch her (he does when he wants to play golf or something), he always finally agrees to watch dd if I can not find anyone else to. I feel that I watch her 24/7 with maybe one hour off a month, which is usually at the dentist, chiro, or some other neccessary appointment, that he can at least watch her that hour, and I certainly would love some time to do some fun stuff that I can't do with dd, like go to the yarn store, etc... Do other SAHM have these problems?

[RyvreWillow]

Oh man! I sooo feel for you hun, but my hubby is not like that at all--and i think he's a minority? I'm probably really lucky, because as soon as he walks in the door from work, i can walk right out and go to the store or whatever, without saying a word, and not worry because i know he can figure out when the feeding and changing etc needs to be done. It's just not an issue here.

BUT i've never heard of another SAHM, or working mom for that matter, that didn't have to worry about this. I think it's a common issue, even though no one else has responded to your post yet. *sigh* it sounds like your man needs some time alone with the little one, hehe! Take a long bath or something, sounds like you deserve it.

[MyTwoAs]

My husband sounds very much like RyvreWillow's husband. I do know of many mommas that could have written what you did AMB8301, so you definitely are not alone.

[zen-ozz]

I also have a *minority* husband! I think for us, there are a couple reasons why DH is a full-time parent when he is at home. First, since we began living together (before marraige and children), I really insisted that he contribute fully to the management of the household. When we had children, it was only natural for him parent as much as I did.

The second thing is that I only recently began staying at home (2/05), so because I was working (part-time), there was just no question that he had to help. In fact, for awhile, we did not have child care, so he flexed his schedule to stay with the children while I worked. He had many full days home with the children. Because of that, he understand that when he walks in the door, we are now even and we work together.

That said, since I have started staying at home, I am definitely sensing my husband is wanting me to be more resonsible than he when we are both home. This is compounded by the fact that he now works out of town and is gone 3-5 days at a time. When he finally gets home, I want him to take the kids so I can have a break, but he wants time to chill because he has been gone so long. And lately, the kids have been questioning my husbands authority by asking me,"Is that really okay?" when he responds to their questions.

All of this to say, I think you really have to work to maintain balance in the home. It is so easy to fall into the roll of doing it all, but that really does no one any good. I see it as my job to show my children, through my actions, what a healthy relationship looks like. What kind of husband and father do I want my sons to be? What kind of wife and mother do I want my daughter to be? That's how I help my husband to see the importance of it -- by asking him to answer those questions.

Sorry so long!

[hipumpkins]

DH has to care DD twice a week for about 4 hours while I work. The one night he goes to his parents so his mom really takes care of DD and the other night he can not even figure out where her pajajmas are. in the morning DD will wake up in some outfit he threw togehter to act as pajamas. I asked him one day what he has against DD's Pj's. He said, "I don't know where they are"
They are in the top drawer where I am pretty sure everyone's child's pajamas are.
Today he asked me where her coat was. CAn anyone here guess where her coat was????

Sometimes I get annoyed but I also kinda like the control. I don't want him making the wrong decisions regarding certain things so if he constantly asks me the annoying stuff than he will ask me about the big stuff, too and I get to make the decison without a big struggle.

[Bearsmama]

My DH is the exact opposite, and I realize how incredibly lucky I am. Yes, I am the primary caregiver, but he is an equal partner (much like a few others have posted). Even though DH works FT outside the home, he walks in the door and immediately gets in partner mode. Sometimes, on the bad days, I can hand the kids over and go for a walk or a quick ride to clear my head. We are in it together-even though I am the one who is doing it FT.

[onlyzombiecat]

I can relate.
Unless I specifically ask he doesn't do anything to take care of dd.

[UnschoolnMa]

I am so sorry for you ladies with this issue. I have a friend who's Dh is that way, and she is just starting to get fed up with it.

My husband is not this way. I just couldn't deal with it because I need to feel like I am parenting with him, not instead of him or for him. I would also worry about what would happen if I wasn't around, or if something were to happen to me.

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

My husband is not this way. I just couldn't deal with it because I need to feel like I am parenting with him, not instead of him or for him. I would also worry about what would happen if I wasn't around, or if something were to happen to me.

I've often thought that if anything ever happens to me, the kids would be better off with my mom than DH. He does great with the kids when he puts extra effort in (like when I'm sick or didn't get much sleep the night before, or when theres something planned that I'm going to without DS, etc) but so far he can't keep it up long term/consistently. The house would be a sty... like, see-it-on-TV quality filth. They'd probably spend most of their time plopped down infront of the TV. He wouldn't attend to any night-time needs... he "couldn't do that" In arguements about getting enough rest, he suggests that if I can't do it, then I just shouldn't... so if the baby wakes up at 3am screaming because she's teething or hungry or cold, or DS wakes up from a nightmare, or because he's wet the bed, they'll just have to deal on their own until morning, because *I* need my 'beauty sleep'?!?! Not likely. Yet it would be the case if I weren't here. When we've argued over his lack of involvement with them, I've thought (not said!!) that if I am going to die before they're grown, that I hope it happens in some way that I know it's coming, like a terminal illness, so I can take him out with me & save the kids from that. Messed up, huh?

[Doodlebugsmom]

Originally Posted by Bearsmama

My DH is the exact opposite, and I realize how incredibly lucky I am. Yes, I am the primary caregiver, but he is an equal partner (much like a few others have posted). Even though DH works FT outside the home, he walks in the door and immediately gets in partner mode. Sometimes, on the bad days, I can hand the kids over and go for a walk or a quick ride to clear my head. We are in it together-even though I am the one who is doing it FT.

:

Also, dh has a really cool job. He can have the kids at his office any time he wants to. They even have a playroom there. Any time I have an appointment, he has the kids at work. Ds hasn't been sleeping well, so today dd will go to his office for a few hours so ds and I can take a good nap. Dh will take them to work if I need to clean the house or if I want to go to the bookstore by myself to read for a while. He works more than full-time at his job and sees himself as an equal in parenting.

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

I am so sorry for you ladies with this issue. I have a friend who's Dh is that way, and she is just starting to get fed up with it.

My husband is not this way. I just couldn't deal with it because I need to feel like I am parenting with him, not instead of him or for him. I would also worry about what would happen if I wasn't around, or if something were to happen to me.

Dh did a lot more when dd was a baby. It was easier then... if dd cried she was hungry, needed her pants changed or was tired.
If I weren't around or something happened to me dh would probably get someone to help him or I think dd would have to do a lot more for herself.
There would be a lot for dh to learn. I'm sure he could do it. He does do things when I ask but never thinks to do things on his own.

[FireWithin]

Not too many complaints here.

DH takes over the majorityof the childcare when he gets home at night. DS and he need the time together, and Ineed a break. I also figure that I would prefer he spend time with DS than doing household work (which I am usually doing in the evening). DH can't seem to be able to multi-task, so asking him to do housestuff would mean I would be taking care of DS.

My one complaint is that it is difficult for me to get DH to stay home when I need help (I'm sick, or I have appointments) I really wished this would change. It just doesn't seem fair that he can get a sick day and I can't. Also, makes me feel panicked and abandoned (hmmm, childhood issues????)

[Doodlebugsmom]

Originally Posted by Mammo2Sammo

Not too many complaints here.

DH takes over the majorityof the childcare when he gets home at night. DS and he need the time together, and Ineed a break. I also figure that I would prefer he spend time with DS than doing household work (which I am usually doing in the evening). DH can't seem to be able to multi-task, so asking him to do housestuff would mean I would be taking care of DS.

My one complaint is that it is difficult for me to get DH to stay home when I need help (I'm sick, or I have appointments) I really wished this would change. It just doesn't seem fair that he can get a sick day and I can't. Also, makes me feel panicked and abandoned (hmmm, childhood issues????)

I can completely relate to everything you said. Dh comes in an immediately takes over with the kids so I can do housework. At that point, housework actually seems like a break! The sick day thing really sucks! I hate that.

[OTMomma]

Mine is trained

I guess that sounds bad. But I do feel like I worked at training dh to be a better father. Dh and I had some talks about how I felt dd really needed to spend time with him and connect with him. And my dh, was also the type to change the diapers when told. So I started with a pretty good guy.

Here is my training schedule for any who are interested:
Make an appointment for a time when dh will be home.
Leave dc with him for 1-2 hours with a list of instructions that includes what foods dc will eat for a snack, a note that dc should be changed every half hour or checked, and anything else you would tell some one who had never met your child. I'm serious.
Do this once a week or more increasing time you are gone each time. Dh will figure it out.

My dh really did need the note that said what she would eat, and at what time to feed her, and how often to check her diaper. But after I did this once a week for about 2 months, he figured it out and didn't need the note or cues while he was home. He also learned why I don't have the time and energy to keep our house spotless. :LOL

[cmb123]

My ex-dh was like that (notice the ex :LOL ) He didn't do a THING, ever! If I had to run to the store (1 mile away, a total round trip time of 10 minutes) I'd have to pack them all in the car with me...and he was self employed like yours and home a lot. Dr.'s appts...etc... same thing...
We've been divorced for 4 years now...he spends 1000% more time with them now than he did when he lived with us
( I'm not suggesting you get divorced, just letting you know I can totally relate!)

[Mya]

I am in the same boat! My husband thinks "You are a SAHM you take care of her" If I need to go to the grocery store he wants me to bring Katelin (1 1/2) with me. And she hates sitting in the cart and is to wild to let walk around without holding hands..and of course she doesn't want to hold my hand! : I end up having to carry her, all 23.6 lbs of her, around while pushing the full cart...while DH is at home relaxing and watching t.v.!

Also he has yet to prepare a meal for her besides snacks..he has changed a total of 10 diapers since she's been born. If I tell him to check her diaper he looks at me like I'm crazy! I tell him "see if the front of her diaper is squishy, if it is, she's wet if she's smelly she's dirty" it's not that hard but aparently to him it is. You know to come to think of it he has mentioned to me before that he pretends not to know how to do somethings so I'll just give in and do it for him! For example I've had the same d++n alarm clock since I was 17 and he claims not to know how to set the alarm on it! We've been together for 5 years! Oh yeah Katelin is on a total toddler picky diet..she only eats chicken nuggets, pb&j, and pizza for dinner or lunch so that again..isn't hard to make. ARG! LOL

My husband too gets to go out kyacking/fishing/hiking and all that fun stuff alone w/out me or Katelin. And to him time to myself is a bubblebath. You know I love my daughter and husband very much but man I wish I had a chance to get away for a while. I also get maybe an hour total each year alone out of the house to myself. What's with that? I've never been to a spa so that would be cool to do. Or even get my hair dyed professionally for the first time. (I've dyed my hair only once at home) I mean I can name a ton of things I'd like to do by myself but just can't get dh to watch Katie so I can.

Oh my husband never feels like an outsider he thinks this is the way things should be..which is really odd because he's told my many times his dad would make him dinner and care for him and his 2 younger brothers when his mom had to work nights. I don't understand why he can't understand me needing time away from him and Katelin like he needs to have time away from his job, me and Katelin.

[mamameg]

My DH works really hard at his high-pressure job all week, and he does all the yard work, some laundry, and is generally pretty good about helping out when I need him to. I get a few hours each weekend to get out of the house alone, even if it's just grocery shopping w/o the babe. For the most part, I am happy with how much he does.

BUT, he does tend to assume I am "watching" DD all the time, even if he is around. For example, if we are all three hanging out, everthing is fine, but the moment I leave the room (and don't come right back :LOL), he gets antsy and will sometimes say something like "i wasn't planning on taking her right now". It's not even like he's doing something else... he just all of a sudden doesn't want to be left alone with her. It's subtle and I didn't think he was really conscious of it, but it was bugging me anyway. So this weekend, I finally said something to him. I waited for the right time/place/mood (we started talking about parenting and us having more kids, and the tone was positive, so it seemed like a good time to mention it) and just camly told him how I feel and what I need from him. I also mentioned that if he really thinks he wants to have more children (we've always discussed having 2 more, so this got his attention ), I need him to flip around his mindset - instead of assuming he's doing his own thing and I'll let him know when I need help, it needs to be him co-parenting with me all the time and he'll let me know when he needs down time. We already have 2 children in the house, and adding more will be so much more work and I need help. Period. I was proud of myself - I didn't get overly emotional (I usually do ) and he really listened to me. I could tell he heard what I was saying and he even referenced the conversation a few times later in the day.

Ladies, I think he may finally get it.

[Earnest]

I am realizing that I used to be a DH who would come home from work and jump right in with our first daughter, but now with a 4y and 1y daughter... I have actually devolved into the man described in the first post. It is hard to belive. My poor SAHM wife practically had a nervous breakdown tonight, and all I could say to her was "You know, you never cooked that pork you left in refrigerator and now it is spoiled." What kind of person says that to another human being who needs help?

I want to be a better husband and father.

[Amys1st]

Originally Posted by Earnest

I am realizing that I used to be a DH who would come home from work and jump right in with our first daughter, but now with a 4y and 1y daughter... I have actually devolved into the man described in the first post. It is hard to belive. My poor SAHM wife practically had a nervous breakdown tonight, and all I could say to her was "You know, you never cooked that pork you left in refrigerator and now it is spoiled." What kind of person says that to another human being who needs help?

I want to be a better husband and father.

Then stop parking yourself here and go tell you wife and children that.
Then cook your own pork tomorrow and maybe do something nice for the 3 ladies living in your house. Also just be glad you're not married to me-I would never put up with such treatment. If you want to step on something, get a door mat kwim?
Can't stand the heat? Get out of the kitchen then and do not complain that your dinner isnt done.

[Amys1st]

I think all the posts say about sh not doing anything- one question

Do you let him do anything? I have a few friends who complain about their mates not doing anything. But then when they are together, they are always going off on their dh. He put something away wrong, put the wrong outfit on, did not feed dd what I wanted him to.

When dd was born, it took at least 6-8 weeks to figure out what I was doing and what would be right for her and I had her 24/7. Don't you think her father also went thru a learning curve too? I had to let DH figure out what made this child tick and let him respond to her in his own style. And you know what? She is still here! The only thing he could never do was bfed her and he has changed plenty of diapers, cleaned up vomit,blow outs, bath tub accidents, you name it. Welcome to parenting- it really humbles you. Now let you dh get humbled too.
Can I recommend you let dh do his own thing and not say anything- so what she slept in clothing that was not specific pjs. She managed to get up in the morning didn't she?