So tell us about your blended family! - Page 2

[Jbugz]

Oh wow...I'm SOOOO glad to find this forum. I originally came to this site to find advice on extending breastfeeding and perhaps to talk to other homeschoolers...but what a bonus to find this section as well :LOL

Our story is WAYYY long and pretty frustrating and we have MAJOR issues since becoming a blended family almost 2 years ago. I won't bore anyone with all the problems in this post (hopefull get to them one by one later one )

In a nutshell....I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage..ages 5 and 7..and my husband and I just had a baby together in March.

and in another nut.. ...DH doesn't handle being a step dad well AT ALL and I apparently don't like it when my kids are tense in their own home...therefore...we have "issues".

Hope to get to know yo uall and your situations better in time.

Julie

[ketilave]

I met Dh the week his ex got married to the man she had been having an affair. DH and his ex have 1 daughter. Definitely DH's daughter but apparently the ex had gone off the Pill and started fertility drugs without telling DH - getting pg in hope of saving the marriage. At the time I came into the picture the ex lived in the area (not with her husband who lived 2 hours away).
When DH and I got more involved, I was quite close to dsd who was 4.5 when I came into the picture (DH had been out of the house for over 2 years) the ex lost her mind and starting calling us all the time, dropping by DH's apartment etc and then finally moved in with her husband. She managed to get pg immediately which I had hoped we give her something new to do but no

In short we have been in court for the last 4 years, she threatened me on numerous occassions, we had to turn off all the phone lines and just use the cell so she can only harrass DH, DSD has gone from being a joy to a complaining miserable tearful need my mother to function (to the point even her therapists think there is a disturbing relationship) and in general the whole situation is just TRYING.
I barely care anymore...my focus is my kids and protecting them from this ugliness. The love DSD and I do believe she loves them.

The 2 families could not be more different - we homebirth, cd, bf, co-sleep, careful diet, avoid meds, little to no tv etc and they eat whatever is premade, ex co-sleeps with 10yo DSD but lets the 3 yo CIO in the crib, race to the dr with nothing (sick of paying co-pays when a kid is fine) and the kids live in front of the tv with one in every room of the house. Dh and the ex did nothing together as a family even when they were together; ie the would each take dsd and do their own thing because they couldn't agree on what to do. Got married because they had been dating for a while were getting "old" and so what the heck. Drives me nuts that people/he think like that!

We have 3 kids in quick succession, BFing is not an effective means of BC even with the best attempts at NFP, and that has really compounded the challenges.

Things are much calmer than they used to be but it's not a "good" situation.

[AdoptChina]

Our family is about as blended as they come lol. When we got married DH had 3 daughters and I had 1 son. DH adopted my son, then we had another son together, adopted a daughter from China, and had another son together (I think I only give birth to boys lol)

The older girls are 20, 18 & 14....we hardly ever see the 20 yr old (who is the family trouble maker...only see her when she needs something), the 18 yr old comes over 3 weekends a month but will be leaving for college in August...and the 14 yr old comes over a bit less (likes staying at her moms)

Then our girl together is 5 (going on 25 lol)....our boys are 10, 8 and 23 months.

We've been through some interesting times with DH's doozy of an ex....my ex isnt in the picture at all (but his mom comes to visit twice a year..nice lady). His ex is very materialistic....me, Id rather have more kids and less stuff lol (we have a lot, but Im not burning to be driving a Mercedes. kwim?). DH's girls went/go to a private Catholic ($$$) school....their mom insisted....ours go to a chuch run preschool (very small, humble program) and then onto public schools. Im much more into discipline & natural consequences than she is....she wants to be their buddy (which is why the 20 yr old is so screwed up).....my kids have a few basic rules they have to follow whether they like it or not...I want them to learn to be independant, empathetic, kind people with good hearts....she wants them to like her

Otherwise we dont have too many conflicts .....especially now that the girls are older.

[quelindo]

Hi, I'm stepmom to three kids -- two boys, 14 & 16, and one girl, 12. The twelve-year-old has Down Syndrome, so that adds a whole 'nother layer of intrigue.

The kids are with us 1/3 of the time -- every Wednesday overnight and every other weekend Friday before dinner to Sunday after dinner.

DH has been split from his ex for about nine-and-a-half years; we've been together about nine years and got married almost four years ago.

His ex-wife was really nasty for most of that time, but she appears to have mellowed for the most part. The kids are surprisingly well-adjusted and wonderful human beings, considering what their mom put them them through.

We recently moved two miles from their mom's house and a block from the high school so they could be closer to their dad while they're teenagers, but both DH and I DESPISE this part of town. When my second stepson graduates from high school we're moving back to our old end of town...I can't wait. We're in redneckville right now...wayyyyyy too many Bush bumper stickers and swearing, smoking, white trash parents.

I'm pregnant with our first baby, due in August. We spent two years and way too much money on infertility treatment to get to this point, and I'm really excited to be a mother. (Lots of well-meaning people tried to tell me that I was already a parent, but as most of you know, that just wasn't true, especially with the bio-mom telling the kids I was "nothing" to them and trying to undermine my relationship with them at every turn.)

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Well, we're not officially a step-family yet (as in, not married yet), but we live together, as a family, so we ARE a family really

I have one DD who just turned 4 in April. Her biofather has NOTHING to do with her. Isn't interested in talking with her, or even with me about her. Doesn't want pictures, no visits etc (we moved 3000 miles away with his consent, if you ask him, he only wants no contact because I moved her away from him *sighs* It's a long complicated story, but he was very abusive, beat me regularly, and would beat me in front of her... Why would he be angry at me for removing her from that??, but I digress...)

My SO and I have been in a relationship for over 2 years, but have been living together for just over 6 months now. He has 1 DS from a previous marriage, who just turned 9 in April. My SO has custody of his DS, so he lives with us too My step-son sees his biomom fairly regualrly, however, she's taken on the 'fun mom' role, and basically just lets him run amuck and takes him out to dinner. No actual parenting involved for her, IMO. She also has found a way to slowly give less and less child support, but again, I digress...

Anyway, that's my little family. Still failry new, and still working out the kinks, but, it seems worth it....so far :LOL

Originally Posted by AdoptChina

my kids have a few basic rules they have to follow whether they like it or not...I want them to learn to be independant, empathetic, kind people with good hearts....she wants them to like her

This sounds alot like us and our situation too... Makes me worry for when my step-son gets older....

[kitty waltz]

Well our blended family isnt really official yet either, I suppose. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, my DD 3 1/2 is autistic, and my DS 16 months seems to have sensory issues, maybe mild autism. My fiancee has no kids, he's 5 yrs younger than me which is shocking to some in our families!! We just moved out here from Vt{where the kids were born, my familys from NYC and PA} so my SO could go to school here in AZ. After he gets his degree we move to NJ where his family lives. His family is very different from mine - read they have $$ and my family is poor. Its kind of the hardest adjustment for me - the different expectations. I also worry about having kids together - that our child together would get preferential treatment in the form of expensive gifts, or paying for college that my kids wont get. His family is polite but they dont treat my kids as if they are blood.

My ex is a good-for-nothing, really. He smokes too much pot and always looks like a mess. He has only supervised visits because of past abuse, and when he comes he usually falls asleep! He just broke his leg due to neglect of his car and there goes my child support, yet he expects us to bring him to visit the kids! He's really a pain. Every time he comes over he wants to go over whose fault the breakup was etc. I just leave the room now, with his broken leg its harder for him to follow me and bother me. I sometimes wish he decided to not be involved w/ the children so I could get some peace!

[MomBirthmomStepmom]

Originally Posted by kitty waltz

His family is very different from mine - read they have $$ and my family is poor. Its kind of the hardest adjustment for me - the different expectations. I also worry about having kids together - that our child together would get preferential treatment in the form of expensive gifts, or paying for college that my kids wont get. His family is polite but they dont treat my kids as if they are blood.

I could've written this myself!! My step-son is (to be hoenst) materialistcly spoiled by my SO's family. My daughter's the 'after-thought', even though my SO refers to her as 'his daughter', his family just doesn't see it that way. I also worry about us having a child together, and truly worry about my daughter being treated as the outcast...

[Curious Me]

Originally Posted by Destinye

Well since we are here finally lets post!

I have a wonderful DH (most of the time) and 4 step-kids who are really great. 20, 18, 15 and 12 next week. We have DD 15 months.

I am not gay but I am friends with the wonderful illustrator of Heather Has Two Mommies!

Hi there......I'm rather curious about your signature "I am not gay but I am friends with the wonderful illustrator of Heather Has Two Mommies!"

I read that and my eyebrows scrunched together and I literally read it three more times to try to figure out what you are saying. I don't think I was successful in my quest.

The kinds of things that instantly came to my mind are "I'm not black, but I am friends with Oprah Winfrey's cousin" "I'm not a diabetic, but I work with a really nice lady who is." Do you see what I mean?

I'm hoping that my interpretation of your signature is distorted.

[Destinye]

Originally Posted by Curious Me

I'm hoping that my interpretation of your signature is distorted.

\

Apparently it was but I am deleting it anyway, certainly don't want to offend anyone.

[cvsprague]

Our blended family has a long-distance spin on it! My DH has a 14 year old son from his first marriage. DSS lives in Germany with his mom and her husband. DH and I have 2 sons together, one age 5 and one 3 weeks old today. They (DH and ex) divorced when DSS was almost 3 and she moved back to Germany a few months later. Their breakup wasn't amicable and because of that she really kept DSS from having a relationship with DH for a long time. He was just trying to reestablish contact when I met him in '96. Things gradually got better and they came here for a visit 3 summers ago. It was nice and believe it or not, we all lived peacefully for 2 weeks under my MIL's roof!!! :LOL Things really improved over the course of that visit. The ex and I got along well and our oldest son really got attached to his big brother. They are visiting again this summer, though the ex is going to spend the time with her sister out of state and DSS will stay with us the bulk of the time. Email has really helped with the long-distance relationship and we're hoping as he gets older that he may consider doing a year of high school here or perhaps going to college in the states. Overall, it's a pretty decent situation.

[MamitadeTian]

Our family: DH has two sons from a previous marriage, they are 15 and 17. They came to live with us from Panama about 2 1/2 years ago. We also had DS 2 1/2 years ago, and DD two months ago.

My mom warned me that this would be hard, and I thought the difficulties would come from the older boys, but it turns out they come from DH!!!! I wish I could grin about this, but it is cause for lots of drama. I don’t know how to explain without going into gory details, but basically, DH felt rejected by the boys b/c, as good adolescents, they did not arrive at our doorstep admiring and agreeing with him. DH became very authoritarian with them, which I did not agree with, and their relationship has only degenerated over the years. My disagreements with DH have often been a threat to our relationship.

Things have become bad enough that the boys are returning to Panama this summer and will not return to school here in the fall. I don’t know when or if they will return. DH feels too hurt to want them back, he says he wants to cut them out of his life. I understand his feelings, but disagree with what he is doing: I feel I cannot morally choose to let go of a child of mine, especially if what they have done is kids’ stuff and nothing criminal or anything like that.

It seems like we go from one drama to the next. I feel very bad about the kids leaving here. On the one hand I feel guilty about not doing more to try to smooth things out between them and DH, on the other, I feel that everyone loses when I do b/c DH feels abandoned by me and his attitude to the boys is worse. I am always walking a tightrope. I have to say there will be some benefits to not having the boys around. But they feel abandoned by their mother, and I fear the emotional wounds of feeling newly abandoned by their father. Realistically, they already feel abandoned, even while living with him.

I also worry that DH will someday withhold his love from our children if he feels he loses control over them. Right now, he is the most passionate father, completely dedicated to our two kids. There is no use worrying, but sometimes I can’t help hearing the little voice of worry.

Sorry to spill my guts, but today just sucked! My parents are here from out of town and very judgmental because DH wouldn’t celebrate DSS2’s birthday yesterday. DH is pissed off at me because I did, while he was out. My dad and DH had an small altercation that resulted in DH asking me to tell my parents to leave the house and not come back until he goes to work. I can’t live like this!

I know this post is too long and everyone else has been much more civil about keeping the details to themselves, but, as you all know, people in “normal” families don’t have these issues and I find they are not able to be much help.

[MamitadeTian]

cvsprague, the long distance spin is quite a spin!

Our story was somewhat like yours in the beginning. DH’s ex kept the kids from him for about 5 years, and never told them about him (the kids were 2 and 6 months when their parents split up). Then he was allowed to “meet” them during a trip back to Panama. He visited them numerous times and I went with him, we all got along well and had a good time. The kids also came here a few times, even taking part in our wedding. Vacation was great with them and I never expected any difficulties. The hard part was living together, having to negotiate what it means to be the father of two people with their own opinion of the world, and sons of a father with specific ideas of what sons and fathers ought to be and do. Once the trust was broken, that was the end of the possibility of a good relationship, at least this time around.

I am not saying this to scare you, I hope you understand. I just want you to know that it is great that things work well when you are on vacation, and that points to the possibility of a great relationship if you share more time together (a year in high school, for example), but it will take a lot more to make it work and keep things good! I think if we had been better prepared, we might have handled things differently!

[hoppytoad]

I should introduce myself and our situation.

I have two bio-children.. DS (6) from a previous marriage, and DD(3) from a previous relationship. DH and I met online when DD was 5 months old, and she's never seen or heard from her bio father. DS knows his bio-dad, but he never comes around anymore and doesn't ever call, etc. It's easier this way on everybody, I think.

DH has two bio-children also, DSD (10) and DSS (7). We have full custody, but they visit their mother every other weekend. She took us to court soon after DH and I got married. Before that, her involvement was fairly regular, but not very consistent. She would bring them back to DH early saying she couldn't handle them, etc. and that she didn't know what she was going to do to them. Their marriage went south because she had an affair. She married the man she cheated with a few weeks after she found out DH and I got married. DH's ex has a real problem with trying to keep up with everyone else around her. It's like it consumes her or something.

As you can probably guess, she doesn't like me and my influence on the kids because she feels threatened. Even though she bailed on them in the first place.....

Because she feels like this, she does her best to be the "cool" mom, while I'm the one with them day in and day out enforcing the rules, feeding them nutritious food, disciplining them, etc. Everything I would do if they were my own flesh and blood. That means being the bad guy a lot, unfortunately.

DH reassures me that when they get older they'll see the whole picture and not view me as the big meany, but for now their mom does her best to paint a bad picture of me. Sometimes I feel bad because DH never has to deal with the presence of another parent in the picture with my children. It's like he gets off the hook or something. Most of the time, though, I'm happy for him that he doesn't have the added stress and pain.

It's takes a lot of sacrificing to be a SAH stepmother, man. Maybe when the bond is even stronger (although it's pretty good, so far, I think) I won't resent some of the things I do for them without any acknowledgment.

It doesn't help that DSD (10) has some behavioral issues and also the typical pre-teen attitude rearing it's ugly head now.

Tell me it will get better! Seriously, though, I'm optimistic that if we just keep chugging along everything will even out and we'll all settle in.

DH and I are expecting our first child together in Sept., though, so God only knows how that will affect the family dynamics.

[liawbh]

DH has a daughter, 11. I have a son almost 9. We just had a son together in April.
In August we'll have been married 2 years, together for 3, but we've been friends since 8th grade.
I have custody of DS. He sees bio-dad every other weekend and half of summer, for the past 3 years (since he got remarried and decided he was ready to be a parent .) We get along OK, they have a son, almost 2. Very non-NFL, not very AP, but pretty good at GD.

DSD lives with her mom. We have every other weekend and alternate holidays. Summers we're supposed to have her all the time EXCEPT alternate weekends, but last summer was all messed up, so we'll see.
DH's ex is really weird, she'll call all furious about something, or she'll try to refuse to drive, or she'll send dsd to grandma's so we can't pick her up for our time, etc. Other times she tries to be all friendly. They've been split up since 96, so I thought things would be smoother, but DH had nothing in writing until 2 months before our wedding. (Amazingly, if neither party pays the court fees, and the W doesn't pay her attorney, you're not really divorce, )

Last summer was weird. My ex and I had everything scheduled and written down, and visits went very smoothly (2 weeks here, 2 there, repeat). DSD's mom was not grasping the concept of us having the whole summer. DH was trying to be nice, and be flexible about it to give everyone a chance to adjust. DSD missed my mom's wedding and the state fair b/c her mom sent her to Seattle with grandma for a week two days before we were supposed to pick her up.

DSD has some problems and gets upset with me a lot b/c I have rules and consistency. Her mom and stepdad are of the "say it a hundred times, mean it once, spank that time" school of parenting. Basically, they do nothing child-oriented, just carry on adult lives with her present, so she's seen every "R" movie you can imagine, gets to put herself to bed in the summer, they smoke in the house, etc.
She has food issues, and is overweight. Just now is willing to eat fruit (had mostly only ever had canned and hated it). Also finally realizing that crying and pouting will not get daddy to change his mind (anymore :LOL). Hates it that I insist on physical activity of some sort every day.
But, it does seem to be improving and I have hope that this summer will be smoother (esp. since DH reminded the X that she can go to jail for violating the agreement). Both kids are totally in love with Evan, and want to spend time with him.

Whew, that's a novel! Anyway, so glad this forum is finally up and running!

[Momof9kids]

My blended family of 9 kids....

When I met my Dh, I had 2 girls and he had 4. Dh and I have 3 children together - 1 girl, 2 boys. (My 5 bio children were homebirthed)

When we married, his ex-wife (aka LOSER) : had custody of her 4 precious babies (as she calls them to this day); but upon returning from our honeymoon, "loser" told Dh she didn't want them anymore...so, I became an instant "nanny" and custodial SM.

It's became a horrific nightmare; mainly caused by "loser" and my Dh's lack of parenting & backing me up. The skids are now 18, 16, 14 & 12. "Loser" acts like mommy of the year - telling them how the only 'value' of a good mom is how much she loves her children and how much they love her... thus, making herself the "Great Mom" even tho it was ME who did her dirty work of raising them...oh, and she refuses to pay child support on them...even tho my Dh had to pay her over $900 a month when they lived with her! She works until the State catches up to her then she quits or gets fired :

"Loser" has been with countless men the last 7+ years, married and divorced TWICE since she & my Dh divorced 7 ys ago :

To be honest, if I had known it was gonna be THAT BAD, I would have NEVER married my Dh - no matter how much I loved him - this woman and her spawn have caused so much trouble in my marriage, my home.... but, now I'm trying to concentrate on my marriage and MY (our) kids and I've disengaged from the skids as much as possible and thus, in the process, have made Dh & BM step up to their parenting plate

[KaraBoo]

I have a daughter (16) from first marriage. She lives with her Dad in the States.

My husband has three children from first marriage: d (22), s (20), and s (18). My sd lives near us and just graduated from university here. Oldest ss goes to university in States. Youngest ss just graduated high school and will start uni in fall, also in States. Both ss visit us three or four times a year. In summer, they sometimes stay for as long as two months at a time, overlapping so each gets "alone" time with us. I'm not sure how long we will continue to pay for plane tickets but for now, it's working out OK. We are having tons of issues with "how to relate to older children/money/adulthood." We've also had some issues with jealousy (sd jealous of d).

My husband and I also have a daughter (6 1/2) together. She has the best of both worlds. She gets to be an only child but also have the benefit of a big family.

[Mallory]

I just read this whole thread and I just see all those DSS's and DSD's and all kinds of abbreviations floating in front of my eyes. I am not sure by the end I could understand anyone's stories, but I am going to post mine anyway, just incase anyone makes it here still lucid

I have two boys 4 and 5, a couple of years ago my ex decided he didn't want to be a dad or a husband any longer. It was like he just turned off. Eventually I left with the boys and moved back to Kansas, he still lives in Maryland. While things aren't BAD between us he really just seems to have no interest. He sends child support every week and shows up about once a year for a day or two and spends a lot of money on the boys. Other then that there is really no contact, he doesn't call, write, anything. His family has been very supportive of me and is regularly involved with the boys. Ex is pretty much done with them too, when he stopped having a family he meant all of it.

I have a new boyfriend, a man that I have known my whole life, our parents are good friends, they already seem like my parents. In fact when I was married to my ex we visited them several times. We are getting married in a couple of weeks and also just realized I am pregnant. He has been great with the boys (any problems there are mostly my fault, I posted about it already) and is so excited to be having another.

All in all things are good here.