Looking for former WOHMs who became SAHMs

[mainegirl]

Needing a little support, please.

I have finally had it up to my eyeballs with my incompetent manager and getting crapped on by her. I work as a webmaster, graphic artist, and copywriter and I get paid WELL below the low end of the payscale for what I do. I feel so unfulfilled and miserable at my job. I just had a review where she flat-out LIED to me about things she had asked me to do and it all came down on me as a result. This is the last straw. I'm just done. I don't make NEARLY enough money to justify the sheer amount of time I spend driving my son to and from daycare, preparing his meals, packing his bag, the cost of disposable diapers (we use cloth at home), the stress and heartache I go through having to leave him there. I pumped until he was a year old and until recently I visited him every day during my lunch hour.

I worked long hours, weekends, whatever was required of me, taking time away from my family. Before I had a child this was a common work ethic for me, but not any more. I feel as if I am missing out on his life and that I'm wasting my own life in the process.

My husband is the worrier out of the two of us, he is concerned that we won't be able to survive on one income. However, after developments the last couple of months he agrees that it's no longer a case of "if" I leave my job, but "when" i leave my job.

We're doing a whole bunch of things to get prepared...we're seeing a financial advisor to put together a portfolio of all our investments and figure out the best way to use them to our advantage, we're getting the house refinanced to roll all of our other dents into one payment, my husband is asking for a long-overdue raise, we're even selling off anything in our house that we don't absolutely need to not only clear space but to get some extra money. We've been revising and slimming our budget the last handful of years, but now we're going to twist it until it squeaks.

I think we're definitely doing the right thing for a number of reasons, but it doesn't mean I'm still not terrified.

Are there any other SAHMs out there that were once WOHMs and made the transition? Do you have any sage words of advice? I am scared to death but I know something has to change before I go crazy. I've been so depressed the last 4-5 months and I can't take it any more.

Actually, any feedback is welcomed. This has been a tough time for us though I am so thankful for our strong relationship because without my husband I would never feel brave enough to even consider this. He is amazing.

The other thing that concerns me is that I've always been in a high-tech career, and I worry that someday if I want to come back to work that I won't be able to get back into the industry. This scares me a lot too. I wonder if it will even matter at that time, but for now I feel a loss. Anyone who has experience with that, I'd love to talk to you.

So...what now?

[zen-ozz]

Hi Jen

I just started staying home in February. I had my masters in social work, and I truly never imagined that I wouldn't work. But, after huge struggles finding reliable childcare, my husband and I together stumbled toward me not working.

I too was terrified about the money part of it. Honestly, I was contracting with my county and was making the best money that I could hope to make as a social worker, but the truth was that I was not able to keep up with the work and with all that the household and the children required. I was constantly being pulled in a thousand directions and the kids were paying the price.

So we finally made the decision. When we looked at the money, we were losing a bit, but we tightened a re-prioritized and are making it work.

You say you are payed low. Life is way too short to be paid poorly and treated even worse. You deserve better and it is good you are moving toward finding something different. Is there any way you could do some contract or free-lance stuff and work from home? Maybe if you could bet paid a lot better, you could work a lot less and on your own schedule. As I'm writing this, I'm sure it is not stuff you haven't already considered.

What I have found is that the money worked out. We are okay because this is just what is right for us now. And, I am sruprised to know that I don't miss work at all. i am busy all the time, but not pulled in a billion directions. I am more present with me kids and my husband, and my self for that matter. Things in my field don't change as quickly as in yours, but there are ways to keep up.

Is was a tough decision for me and one that I agonized over, but I don't regret it in any way. Good luck figuring out what is right for you and your family!

[Eman'smom]

The financial part wasn't too bad, for us, I was commuting 60 miles a day, now even on a big day with the kids I might drive 10 so we are saving tons in gas, I don't need to buy a work clothes, we aren't spending money on daycare, I switched to cloth..... really it hasn't been bad, I don't feel the money pinch.

What has gotten to me is being with my children all day : I now have no child care of any kind (we've moved since) I haven't been able to find anyone to watch the kids ever I'm with them all the time. I used to love the hour I spent in the car each day, that was just me time, quiet time, nobody at home or work needed me, now I can't even pee by myself.


That said I really do believe that SAH has been the best thing for our family.

[streetkitty]

My experience has some similarities to yours. Prior to having a baby, I worked at an ad agency as a production manager and also did media planning and buying on my own time. Once I had dd, I knew I could not go back to work full time- I was also the breadwinner in our hh. I did go back to the office when dd was 6 months old- part time, 5 days a week from 8-1. Hubby worked second shift so he watched the baby in the morning and left for work when I got home. We never saw each other and did this for about 5 months before I worked out that I would work from home and do media buying only. That also only worked for a few months- hubby started working more and more and my work load was too much to handle while dd was sleeping- I started to resent the phone ringing while dd was awake! My boss was also a bit crazy. One minute she was micro managing, the next she was complaining that no one could manage to do anything on their own. This was nothing new, but somehow with a baby daughter, where I used to be able to just let it slide, I couldn't do that anymore. So I quit. I did agree to do certain contract projects as I choose and really that was more for my peace of mind. This was going to be a temp arrangement for a few months. We had managed to save some money so we knew we would be OK for a few months. That was September and that is still the case! Somehow- we have managed to pull it off. I and dh feel this was the best decision for us and we just never looked back. And now with another (unplanned) baby on the way- we truly believe this is what was supposed to happen. dh even go laid off 2 months ago and has been freelancing- actually making MORE money than before. The amazing power of positive thinking and determination to make a situation work because it has too!

You can make it work too. Don't worry about the finances- especially if you have a support system. I am proof that it CAN work out. If you can pick up little jobs here and there that you can do in your spare time (I know- what spare time??)- during naps, evenings, weekends- then I feel like you will still be working in your field but sah like you want. I am a very very part time wah mama- and that really works for me!

Good luck!
Traci

[Marco Esquandolas]

You can do it. You'd be surprised what you can do without if you really want to stay home full time. This is coming from a mama who was the breadwinner and left a career w/a "very big" software company to stay at full time with her kids. You know the saying about when a door closes, a window opens? Just imagine what will be open up to you when you can open up your heart to it. If your heart lies elsewhere, you will be no good working for the man anyway. You want to be home so you need to be home. everything else is just fluff. It'll all work out b/c you want it to work. Trust me on this one.

[indiana ima]

folks have said lots i could :, so i'll say instead that i DO NOT MISS HAVING A BOSS. from what you say about yours, i doubt you will, either!

[levar]

I was Engineering Director for Software Startup when Baby was Born. Two years later I quit [Your description sounds mild compared to mine, but I assume you toned it down for posting.] and our household income is about 25% of what it was. It's been almost 3 years now that I've been SAHM. I think I can relate to what you are saying a bit.

I think that beyond what you've mentioned, THE hardest thing for us was the first 6 months after I quit. It is one thing to PLAN on not spending money. It is a WHOLE different ball game to actually NOT spend money. We had a budget, and we BIG TIME broke the budget. We had what we considered a huge chunk of "rainy day" money, and we went through it way faster than planned. After over 2 years we are still not back where we were (never will be actually, unless I go back to work) and are only just begining to settle-in to what we do have/spend. This was by far THE hardest thing for us to deal with family and relationship wise.

That said, we do not regret the decision one teeny tiny bit!! Every single sunny day when I eat lunch with my son on the picnic table [or go to the zoo, beach, playground, etc] I am thankful for how lucky I am to have that opportunity. And every single time my son [or husband, or I] is home sick or out of school for "in-service day" we are thankful that I am able to stay home and care for my family instead of worry that I'll get fired for not working with a 104 degree fever until 3 am so some comma can be taken out of a marketing webpage before someone sees it. [True story.]

[PancakeGoddess]

jen, I don't have any advice, just

when i was in graduate school with a baby, I knew I had to stop after my degree because if I kept up in the program I would have sucked at both my school and my mothering. It's tough!

[shelbean91]

I went from WOHM to SAHM after ds1 was born. My MIL had been babysitting for free, but couldn't do it with 2 during a 50 hr work week. For us, the hardest thing wasn't the financial issues (though they were rough at times). We ordered out a little less, put off buying stuff for an extra few weeks, etc. No biggie. It helped that dh got a better paying job not long before I left work.

For me, the hardest thing was adjusting my mindset. I wasn't contributing financially to the family and I felt guilty. I was used to working and making as much, if not more than, dh. I reminded myself that the savings on daycare, gas, lunches, work clothes, etc., more than made up for what was lost. I also had a hard time with my expectations. I thought when I was a SAHM, I would be able to have a clean house, meals cooked all the time, etc. I would have all this time at home, I'd be able to get so many projects done, etc. HA! Staying at home is much harder for me. There are no breaks, kids aren't logical-you can't walk away from an argument like you could at work. You don't get to go to the bathroom alone. You might not get to take a shower.

But, it's TOTALLY worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I 'just' stayed home until ds1 was about 18 mos. I'm also now in school FT, so I'm not with the kids 24/7, but they're with dh or grandma when I'm in school. They love it, it gives me a break, the kids a break, and they get to bond with their dad and grandma.

[Tigerchild]

I think the transition from WOH to SAHM can be tough. Giving up the extra income can be really hard to adjust to, and stressful, until you get into new habits. I was suprised at how hard the adjustment was, for me, though perhaps it won't be as surprising for you since you are already a parent (I quit when I was 6 mos. pregnant with my first). I think what you are doing sounds wise though (lots of planning, anticipating that there will be some hard adjustments, ect.).

I wouldn't worry too much about the tech field. My husband took almost 2 years off after the twins were born, and has just relaunched into game programming (he was an applications/regular software guy before). It took him a couple of weeks of borrowing a bunch of up-to-date library books, keeping up with geek websites, and some practice, and he's just fine. Yes, things will change, but he describes it as bicycle riding (you might be rusty, but you don't totally lose your skills and you can always get back into shape). I don't know anything about computer programming, so I'll have to take his word for it. Now he works about 30 hours a week, gets a full time salary, and telecommutes to Europe. ;> But he still has all day with us, just needs a few hours in the afternoon and evening, and maybe extra on the weekend before something ships.

What I'm trying to say is that being in a tech field can be advantageous. If you find that you miss the work, you can find gigs on the side (in DH's case, he did volunteer tidbits here and there (about once every few months) during his time off to challenge himself--they were impressed with his work, esp. since it was "only" a volunteer thing and when the head guy found out that DH was thinking of going back to work they snapped him up immediately.

SAHMing doens't have to be all or nothing. Maybe think about doing some play-projects every once in awhile to keep up your skills, and you never know what opportunities that might bring down the road. Just because you are 'SAH' doesn't mean that home must be your absolute 100 percent of the time focus.

But yeah, neither DH nor I regret ditching the corporate/business world at all. Nor do we regret our "reverse retirement". Your financial planner should be able to help you out big time, with using some of your investments as income, and just keep in mind that your kiddos will need full-time care for just a very short period of time (unless you homeschool). Then you have the option for part-time (at least) $$making, if your family chooses. If you think of this as a flexible, adaptable thing, rather than a permanent decision, it might help ease some of the fears and help you think out of the box for strategies to smooth the way.

I am pretty sure when you look back on this decision in 10 years, you will not regret it.

[wildmonkeys]

Hi Jen! I wah pt for two years after ds1 was born and then wah ft for about a year and a half (with a bit of travel and monthly trips to the office)

I was the main breadwinner and REALLY REALLY loved what I did. I have sah ft for two years now and it has been GREAT. I love love love being home and I think it has been nice for my boys to have so much extra time together and to relax! We worried about money alot but it has just worked out. DH got a new job shortly after I stopped working and for the past 6 months I have been happy to find some at home freelance work (grantwriting, researching trends and issues, editing, etc.) that pays pretty well....my master's is in social work as well NY!

My advice would be to start banking all of your checks now to build a cushion and get used to the decreased cash flow and check out some frugal mama websites to get ideas about how to lower your monthly expenses.

Enjoy this wonderful opportunity!
BJ
Barney & Ben

[ShadowMom]

Former WOHM checking in!

Actually, this SAHM gig will probably only last for another few months, but we're making plans to do it long-term, after we move to Arizona and get settled (I'll have to have a 9-2-5 job again for a while though).

You are not going to believe how good you will feel to leave that life behind! The constant stress of a bad boss, too many competing priorities, not feeling like you have enough time for your DC, etc. etc. All of those are going to disappear in a whiff of smoke the minute you leave your workplace behind!!!

As far as being worried about finances, my advice would be to come up with some ways that you plan to save the household money (i.e. smaller clothing allowance, no more eating out, and so on) and share those with your DH. Mine was really happy at the number of expenses that got reduced when I started staying home. I really think that will help.

Life is too gd short to spend it under the thumb of some whacko with a power complex!!!

I'm also in IT but to be honest, not that worried about getting a job again. And, I was FIRED from my job (inability/unwilling to commit the amount of after-hours and on-call time they wanted). When I get to the point of looking for a job again, I will update a few of my certs and can give some examples of how I stayed current with technology even while staying at home.

I totally relate to all of your feelings, because I had them too when I was working. I had a power-hungry manager as well. My life is 1,000,000 times better now that I'm at home!!!! You will be surprised at how your relationship with DS and DH will improve as well. You'll have time to really take good care of the family.