Longing to develop talents and reach goals, feeling inferior as "only" a SAHM

[Laurel]

This will probably be kind of long and rambly, but I really need advice and experiences.

I went to my little brother's college graduation yesterday. And as always, back came all those pangs of envy and feelings of nostalgia for a time in my life that passed long ago. I have a master's in music, and I'm now a full-time SAHM. I love being a SAHM and am fully committed to it. Before I was in music, I was in early childhood education, so I do enjoy many aspects of teaching and nurturing my ds, and find some challenge and intellectual stimulation in doing that. I'm an avid reader, and I love thinking about and planning things around ds's educational experiences, etc. Yet, I feel so many different emotions when I think about my school experience, my degree, and the fact that I"m not doing anything with my degree or developing any of the skills I worked so hard to develop. I *loved* school, especially graduate school. I miss the academic environment very much. I also miss being involved with music at the level I was involved back then. There just isn't much opportunity for me to do that now. I am a professional organist. I play at my church, but that isn't exactly something that challenges me or helps me extend my skills.

Every time I am in a situation like yesterday's graduation, or hearing from one of my college friends who are doing all kinds of things with their degrees (even though most of them are also close to full time SAHM's too, I feel so much frustration, guilt, inferiority, envy, etc. I don't want to work outside the home. I really am committed to being at home as much as possible. But I also realize that I need to find an outlet for my creativity, and that it really is important for me to find a way to stay involved in my music. I just struggle so much to know what that way is. Last fall I had this great brainstorm about how I could start teaching piano and organ lessons (just a couple of students so it wouldn't take much time away from my ds). Then I was all excited about the idea of taking a year to research and develop a curriculum and start my own parent/child music classes for toddlers. All of these things involved things that are or have been my passions, and all were things I could do at home with my ds there. But after a week or so, the daily grind of household responsibilities took over, and I haven't done anything with either of those plans since. This is a repeated pattern for me. I get a great idea about what I can do to incorporate my talents into my current life, and then it peters out quickly. I have fliers that have been sitting on my piano for six months advertising my services as a private teacher, and I've never gotten them put up anywhere!

I know there are a myriad of reasons for this: I feel so conflicted about taking any time away from my ds. We waited a long time for him, and I want to savor every moment. But also, it's a lot of fear. I am afraid of failing, and it's easier to not try and fall back on the excuse that my family comes first. And yet, isn't good enough to just be a mom? I know there is no more valuable effort that I could extend than raising my little one, and the ones to come. So how come I feel that pull toward needing to develop myself? Why do I feel so inferior? Is it really that I can't do it all--or shouldn't do it all, or just that I don't believe in myself? I think it's that I don't believe in myself. The things I am wanting to do would honestly not be that great a time commitment, and they wouldn't interfere much with my family life. I just have a hard time believing that I am capable of handling it all. And yet I got a master's degree. That should prove that I am capable of having goals and meeting them, of multi-tasking, of being busy. My other thing is that I keep thinking, "what if I get pg?" I don't want to start anything in case that longed-for second child decides to come. But I should know from past experience that I can't plan my life around that.

So, I don't know what questions I am really trying to ask here. Has anybody decided that being a mom at home really is enough? If so, how do you deal with the feelings of inferiority or of longing to develop your talents? I keep hearing that there is a season for everything, and maybe this just isn't my season to be doing those other things. But my feelings don't go away. They go underground for awhile as I get busy with life, but then things come up to remind me how much I love/d the music environment. If you do incorporate the development of talents into your life, or the keeping up of career skills though you aren't working, how do you do it? How do you rise out of the catacombs of stay-at-home-motherhood to make goals and work on them? I feel like the daily routine sucks me in sometimes. I get these great ideas, but they go by the wayside when I've got diapers to change and meals to fix.

[FireWithin]

I don't have time to write now, but you sound a lot like me. I'm going to write something more comprehensive later tonight.

Just want you to know that I hear what you are saying.

[JJ'sMom]

I know what you mean. I take a course on night a week to get out and develop me. Either exercise or learning, but I need to bleed off my excess creativity in a class for adults, not kids. Maybe a local school has some night classes you could look into/take while your partner spends some alone time with DS?

[meowee]

you can long to develop your talents, but not because you are "only" a SAHM. I have struggled with this too. Society looks down on SAHMs. less so the upper middle class ones, more so the poor ones. A poor SAHM is "unemployed." A middle/ upper class one has "the hardest job in the world." society gives us lots of bad and mixed up messages.

so do develop your talents, but not because you are "only" a SAHM. develop them because you're talented!

[BathrobeGoddess]

I am right there with you!

[levar]

I could've written your post! Just not so eloquently.

I once remember a friend who was what I consider a "Professional" SAHM telling me she'd [at one of her lowest moments] written her Resume. For SAHM. And when ever she gets to feeling low about her current occupation, she re-reads her resume, and updates it to keep it current. I thought this was SO brilliant that when I officially became a SAHM I wrote mine up too!

I used Microsoft Word's Resume Wizard and filled out ALL of it!! One of my favorite job titles is "Domestic Engineer". [When asked "What do I do?" I usually say that, and grin!] You should SEE the list of "professional experience" that I have for that! I have also recently included "carreer advances" into Early Childhood Development for my Graduating-Preschooler. When ever I feel "lost" in my world of SAHM I read my resume.

I also find some comfort in all the "charity" work I do while my son is in preschool. I donate ALOT of my time to things like helping at my church, event planning for friends and family [I'm an Ex- Software Engineering Director/ Project Manager so I can plan/manage ANYTHING, as well as do general computer work.], and even occasional floral arranging and cake decorating [Two 'hobbies' I am especially good at.], as well as helping in the computer lab at our local school, etc.

Recently, I have accidentaly come across something that is making me feel VERY worldly too!! We subscribed to a zillion magazines with our credit card bonus credits. I read Time, Newsweek, and NAt'l Geographic cover to cover. Now when at a loss of what to talk about besides "Johnny had a bad tantrum yesterday, what to do?" I say something I like to think is very clever like "I was recently reading that FE&MF, which has beaten the S&P 500 for years, is a "Buy" given the falling Dollar. How do you feel about 'Buy USA' vs protecting your investment portfolio?" :LOL At the very least I get asked where-in-the-world did I come up with that and get to talk about something other than toilet-training for a few minutes!

[Laurel]

I love the resume idea! I'm going to have to try that.

I think I could do some of these things I want to do without interfering with my family life. It's a matter of making the time and then getting up the energy to do them. My ds takes a 2-3 hour nap every afternoon. That's plenty of time for personal study, research, practicing, etc. But by the time he goes to sleep, I'm so exhausted that I either sleep with him or veg on the computer. I know a woman whose children are now grown and she's now very successful in her music career. She raised six children and when they were young, she got up at 6:30 every morning to go to her church and practice the organ. I can't imagine ever being able to do that, but then I think I must not be motivated enough or something because I'm not willing to do that.

I think I know deep down that I just have this part of me that needs developing--and can be developed in the context of being a SAHM. I just need both the energy and the confidence to develop those things.

[marisa]

Whenever I start feeling that way, I think it's because I don't have anything in particular to look forward to. I'm a planner by nature, and I start a new business every 6 months or so, and then it peters out, like how you described. I don't really have much time or energy to devote to a real side business, so the planning and devising is a creative outlet for me. Maybe one day when the kids are older I can actually pursue something seriously. I signed up to be a sales consultant for two companies this year, all with the intention of getting 'serious' about growing a business. About one week later, I found out I'm pregnant with number 3. So, I'm accepting that this is my place right now, just being present with the kids.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Re:

I don't consider my education a waste. I am glad to have an education, so that I can pass that experience to my children. When I was looking into college, my parents didn't know how to help me because they had never been, didn't know anyone who had been and didn't know anything about college.
But since I've taught college, I can tell my kids what things to look for in a college (and hopefully those things will still be applicable to my situation in 15 more years :LOL ). If nothing else, it will give me credibility when discussing the future with my kids--because for me, I didn't put any faith in my parents because they had never btdt.
The other thing is this: I didn't go to college (and beyond) to secure my employment. I went to college to learn. Education for the sake of education.
I don't see it as a waste that I can join into a conversation with other educated adults and not sound like I haven't a clue about the world beyond dirty diapers. And every now and then, I can throw my credentials around and make myself look superior if someone is demeaning me because I am "just a sahm"--mean and rude--probably, but come on, it happens.
And now when people ask me what I do, I tell them: I am retired and starting a second career raising future doctors. :LOL

Don't feel like your education is a waste. I am sure it was a wonderful experience, and a degree is the one thing that no one can ever take away from you. You can lose a job, a house, a spouse and money--but you can't lose a degree once you have it. And that in some weird way, always makes me feel secure.

[OTMomma]

Laurel, we are not done growing until we die. Obviously you want to grow, and you should nourish that need just like you would nourish that in your child. I think both of the plans you stated for teaching music privately or starting a music group with toddlers are wonderful and could be done with your child. I even will venture to say that I think you could do them during pregnancy and with a newborn in a sling with you, a second child is not an excuse to do not do this.

Talk to yourself like you would if you were your best friend, tell yourself how wonderful you are and how you really can do this. Because you can.

I've always thought that if I could just find the right thing, I could probably start my own business with just the time I spend here at MDC. Anyway, make yourself some small goals. Hang up one of those signs at your church this week. Ask your dh to hang one up some where. Spend 15 mintues a day working on this. Nourishing yourself is not neglecting your child. Having a mother that is fullfilled and happy is a wonderful gift to give your child!

And if you start making money from this- consider hiring a house keeper so you won't have to use the time you are with your child to clean. (did I mention I hate house cleaning)

[wildmonkeys]

I am sorry that you felt sad at the graduation I have sort of felt like that a few times when our younger siblings picked up and moved to new exciting cities in the past few years : I do understand what you are saying and for me it doesn't have to do with whether or not I enjoy being a sahm, am proud of it, what society thinks of me, etc....it has to do with living a balanced life.

If you didn't have kids and you were working ft and a bunch of overtime right now and that was where all of your energy was focused it is likely that you would feel the sameway.

I LOVE being at home ft but I also belong to a quarterly bookclub and take the time to read adult novels and do a little homebased freelance child welfare research and teach gymnastics two hours a week....I am like 90% focused on my family (kids, husband, parents and inlaws) but I want to make sure that I am an interesting person too...pretty soon my kids will be big enough to know if I am not, ykwim?

Anyway, I guess I am saying go for it. Take a few hours a week to do something with your music education or develop some other skills that you have always wanted to...about a year ago a sahm neighbor and I took a couple tap dancing classes just because we never had...it was a blast!!!!

One of my friends is a VERY AP ---she has a Phd and never did anything for herself for about 5 years after her child was born - I mean NOTHING. She is now doing my quarterly bookclub and taking a yoga class one night a week (her kids are 2 & 5) she was really worried about being gone once a week for the class and has been shocked to find her kids and her dh look forward to this special time - her dh makes the kids a special snack and they play a specific game and it is good for all of them.

It doesn't make you less of a mom to be more of a person Do what will make you happy!
BJ
Barney & Ben

[muttix2]

I've felt like this before. It was just a matter of changing my thinking. I can't afford to take night classes right now, especially since we're sending my dh to college this fall. Instead, I keep up to date on what is needed to get a degree in the field that I'm going to eventually go back to. The things that I can study at home, I do. I figure that once I go to college for my degree I can test out of quite a few classes this way. Also, (this ties into the degree I'm going to get but is also a hobby) I'm learning another language and teaching it to my kids. I learn crafts like crochet and knitting. By getting up a little earlier or staying up a little later, I've found that I have time to do things for myself. Makes some goals that you can accomplish while being at home. If you can afford it, take a class at night while your dh watches the kids. Anything that can give you a little "you" back. I had given up everything that was "me" when I became a SAHM when my first son was born. As a result, I got very depressed. I realized what was going on and now am adding more things that I do just for me. It's worked wonders and I feel so much better about myself and my life.

[maria423]

I get these great ideas, but they go by the wayside when I've got diapers to change and meals to fix.

Yes!! And when the kids are in bed and everyone's eaten and the house is (sort of) picked up, I am too tired to do anything but lie in bed and read a bad novel or watch tv. :

[provocativa]

I ended up starting my own business by accident, and I only have a couple of clients and it has nothing to do with my degrees in Literature and Women's Studies. My business is avant-garde floral design and floral sculpture (I make art too), which does have a lot to do with, interestingly, my mom's degree: art, and one of her hobbies, flower gardening. So when my mom was wasting her degree on us, doing lots of art projects and picking flowers, as I'm sure you all will do lots of music projects, she was also giving me a love of art, flowers, and the skills in both areas, enough that I can have a fulfilling creative outlet that is also financially rewarding. She did not waste her degree, she gave me a great gift. That being said, I often wish I didn't have to work, so I could just do art and have mamabrain. Why not make it an easy transition? Try setting aside time just for yourself to compose music. If you can find that time, then next month let yourself take on one, just one, student, for two months.

[Laurel]

I really appreciate everyone's insights. I'm feeling a lot better about things and I realize that I just need to make small goals, rather than coming up with grandiose plans that overwhelm me. I'm glad to know I"m not the only person dealing with these feelings! It also helps me feel better to know that there are other educated women out there who have chosen to be at home. I will try to post more later, but I"m still chewing on all the ideas as well as my own thoughts.

[USAmma]

The baby/toddler years are the hardest because you are giving all the time. I think as your baby gets older you'll find more time and energy and fulfillment doing things on the side, just for you.

[slightly crunchy]

I feel this way, too. I feel the need to do SOMETHING for myself other than piddle away time on the computer late at night. I do spend quite a bit of time doing continuing education and reading for my old career, because it interests me and because I need to put in the time if I ever plan to go back to it. But, that does not feel like "me" time either, or really developing myself as a person in other areas. I don't feel a call to my chosen career right now, or that my education was wasted, but I feel like I need to do SOMETHING else besides be a mom. I have tried the obvious domestic kinds of things that are easy to do at home, but I really am not great at and don't love things like sewing and crafty stuff.

I have trouble knowing what kinds of other things I would like to do, or could do. One problem with being very attached to my child is that it is very hard to leave him with anyone other than DH. So I try to work around DH's work schedule, and I have signed up for classes before, only to have him not be able to make it home it time over and over again. And due to the nature of his job, this is not predictable. So I get frustrated.

I think of all kinds of businesses I could start. Not because we need the money, but because it would require use of my brain and development of new skills. But then I never get motivated enough to make any definite plans.

I think these years are some of the best of my life, but I don't want to look back and feel like I let part of myself waste away, either.

[MamaRBH]

Originally Posted by USAmma

The baby/toddler years are the hardest because you are giving all the time. I think as your baby gets older you'll find more time and energy and fulfillment doing things on the side, just for you.

Oh, I do pray this will be the case for me... I find myself unsure of who "me" is more often than not these days...

[Laurel]

Well, I set my first goal! I am going to practice the organ once a week. I can't believe I didn't think of it before! I have been trading babysitting with a friend since last Fall. I watch her dd 1 1/2 hrs a week, and my ds goes to their house 1 1/2 hrs a week. I have been using the time to go grocery shopping, run errands, or go home and hang out on the computer. I can't believe I never thought to use that free time to practice my music! I'm just kicking myself because this answer to one small part of my dilemma with developing my talents was so easy, and it was right there in front of me the whole time!

[bartleby]

Laurel,

First off, hello from another adoptive mama! Second, I'm glad to see your success in making time to practice the organ. That's great! Definitely a step in the right direction.

Now, my reply here may be a bit superfluous, as you obviously are already working on your situation, but I wanted to throw in my two cents anyway, as I read so much of myself in your first post. For me, it is writing. I write. Not professionally, though I have done some technical writing; nor have I been published. Yet, writing is what I aspire to, what I am passionate about, and what fulfills me when I actually sit my butt down and do it. And here is the thing that struck me about your post: I think you are (were?) making excuses for yourself. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but it is very definitely the case with me as well. You said as much yourself when you admitted that really it was not about taking time away from your family, but more about being scared. Same with me. I believe that the difference between me and the people who have any semblance of a career as writers (especially those who are also mothers of young children) is that they are actually making time to work on their writing and I am not. And, it is not really true--though I often use it as an excuse--that working on my writing would take away from time with my six-month-old daughter. That just is not true. As it is, I spend her nap time (like now, as she sleeps on my chest) on the computer, surfing the 'net, reading the boards here, etc. There is absolutely no reason I couldn't be making progress toward my recently-fantasized-about goal of writing an article for Adoptive Families magazine. But instead, I think, "Oh, well. I have a small baby. I don't have time. I'll just give myself a year to sort things out." But I bet you that six more months from now, unless I make some changes, I'll be making the same excuses.

Now, please know that there is nothing wrong with "just" being an at-home mother. I, in fact, am finding it much more fulfilling than I thought I would. But, you are obviously moved and inspired by music and by "the life of the mind" (can't remember where I heard that expression), and as such, you do need that kind of stimulation. Don't fault yourself or begrudge yourself that! It's who you are!

Anyway, I wish you luck. I wanted you to know that I could have written your post; I struggle with these issues on a daily basis, especially after talking to friends/acquaintances who seem to have it so much more together career-wise than I do. (I should add that I too have a master's degree that is currently not being applied toward anything. I know the weird sense of shame that can come with that.) Oh, and as others have said, do not make the mistake of holding off on anything because you are hoping for another child. When my husband and I had just entered the adoptive parent "pool" through our agency, I was also in line for a promotion at work. I kept thinking that I should turn it down because what if we got picked right away? Well, thank goodness I took the promotion (which turned out to be much more intellectually stimulating than my previous position, plus a bigger salary), because we didn't get picked by a birth mother until nine months later. So, if I'd chosen to stay put, I could have languished in a boring job, having passed up a better job, because what if..what if? Don't do that, okay? I'm telling you, it's not worth it.

And thanks to reading your post this morning (which was so nicely written...you sure you're not really a writer?), I feel inspired to get off my rear and make some small goals for myself. I don't know how old you are, but I'm slouching toward the big 4-0 here, & you know what? I just think I don't have the luxury of making excuses for much longer. I just don't have that kind of time.

Again, I don't know you, but I would bet that you are a fabulously attached and devoted mama to your son, and would be as well to a new little one. I think that goes without saying. But I believe you can also be fulfilled by your interests and passions, maybe on a smaller scale for a while, but while still getting more of what you need than you might currently.

Hope I'm not totally off the mark. Now, if you'll excuse me, I should really go take my own advice! Good luck to you, whatever path you ultimately decide to take. It's clear to me from your post that your heart will tell you when you've gotten it right.