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Self Injury - Page 3

post #41 of 71
One thing that I’ve done with my scars (none of which were keloid-y, they eventually went flat and silvery-white) was to incorporate some of the ones on more “public” skin into a larger, pretty, deliberately designed piece of scarification.

In that way, working them into chosen body mod/art, I turned them into something that is beautiful to me, and brought them into the realm of “on purpose”, if that makes any sense. (Not that the wounds weren’t made deliberately at the time, either, but....)

I now look better with my scars than I would look without them.....

I certainly haven’t “grown out of” the urge to cut, nor do I expect to. I am kind of put off or insulted sometimes, when people seem to expect that. I have gotten better at dealing with the impulse to cut, though.

peace,
alsoSarah
post #42 of 71
I also didn't "grow out of it." That makes it sound like it's something that only immature people do. I stopped because I didn't want to do it when I was pregnant. Then, during my first pregnancy, my brother was killed in an accident and I never wanted to cut so much as then. But I didn't because I was pg...and during the years afterward, I have wanted to cut several times but I just tell myself "You didn't do it when your brother died; is what's stressing you out really worse than that?" I never told myself I wasn't going to cut anymore; I just tell myself that whatever else is happening can't possibly be as bad as that.
post #43 of 71
Don't know if the thread is still active, but thought I should probably sign in. I'm a (semi-retired ) cutter.....I've been doing a lot better since the birth of my daughter nearly 11 months ago. When I get to the point that I need to cut I 'talk' to myself and remind myself that dd wouldn't want to see my hurting like that - and that I would not want her to see me doing that. Works for me as I have a horrendous guilty conscience.......Following that up with some kind of physical activity helps too, and so we just take it every day at a time. FWIW I am a survivor too.
post #44 of 71
Could I subscribe?

I am an ex cutter who used to bang and bruise also. Its been almost 3 years since I've self harmed, but when I'm uspet it still pops into my mind.

After intense Dialectical Behvioral Therapy for 2 years, I'm now in a very stable place.

I'd love to join though, to offer anything I can give and to be here to understand.
post #45 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by WitchyMama2
After intense Dialectical Behvioral Therapy for 2 years, I'm now in a very stable place.
Would you mind saying more about this type of therapy? What is it and how does it work?
post #46 of 71

So let's talk...

Mamas, is there anyone who wants to TALK about this?

What is it that makes you feel the most like self-harming? Anger? Disappointment? Sadness? Does your husband/partner know? How many of you have OCD - professionally or self diagnosed? How often do you self-harm, on average? Ever told anyone and NOT have them think you're nuts?

Wendy
post #47 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheyenne
Mamas, is there anyone who wants to TALK about this?

What is it that makes you feel the most like self-harming? Anger? Disappointment? Sadness? Does your husband/partner know? How many of you have OCD - professionally or self diagnosed? How often do you self-harm, on average? Ever told anyone and NOT have them think you're nuts?

Wendy
For me its mostly frustration, anger and also something about it calms me when Im really losing it. Im diagnosed B iPolar 1 - no OCD that I know of. My husband knows and hates it, but I do hide it from him until the scabs are gone. I have a broken arm right now (unrelated to self harm) so typings a pain in my you know where. Ill write more when I heal alittle.
post #48 of 71
I haven't cut in 4 years, but originally what made me want to the most was shame about some of my past sexual behavior. It was a way to self-punish.

I was never diagnosed with OCD, BPD, or any other acronym, though I did see many therapists and psychiatrists.

I guess I don't deal with people thinking I'm nuts now since I haven't done it in so long and since I'm honest about it. People used to think I was nuts when I told them my scars were from falling off my bike and sliding in the gravel.
post #49 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmreinke
Would you mind saying more about this type of therapy? What is it and how does it work?
I don't have a lot of time to write today, but I did want to make sure I left a few links to reference DBT. It really did help me a lot in overcoming the urges I had to self harm. I was eventually able to go off all of the medication I was on and have been med free for 3 years now. Last year I had my last session with my therapist and really do feel "recovered." Though I think that I will likely only learn and grow the longer I am on this earth.

http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/dbt.html
http://www.priory.com/dbt.htm

I am officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic and Anxiety Disorder with Agoraphobia, and Bipolar II. Though they don't believe me to have Bipolar anymore it will forever be on my chart.

I self harmed when I was frusterated, angry, or hurt. Intense emotions I feel would immediatly feel numbed down after cutting. It was something I could control during times I felt I didn't have any.

I use DBT skills that I was taught in order to keep from self harming. There are still days that its on my mind. Just like having a smoke is, and I'm an ex smoker as well. Frusteration= pick up a smoke or cut...and now I have healthier alternatives, it just took a lot of work to get here.
post #50 of 71
I used to self injure, from age 11 to age 21 or so. I always told myself I would not let myself have children unless I went a year without self injuring. I don't know why I did it, but I'm pretty sure it was due to being sexually abused by an older child. I'm glad I've stopped. To be honest, I don't know why I stopped, I just did. It suddenly seemed like a "crazy" thing to do instead of a very logical thing to do, which while you're doing it, it seems to be.

Princess Diana self injured, did you know that? We should make a list of celebrity self injurers lol (not that this is a laughing matter).
post #51 of 71

Famous people who used to or do hurt themselves

Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Christina Ricci, Courtney Love, Drew Barrymore (possibly) Fiona Apple, Richey Edwards, Marilyn Manson, Shirley Manson, Sid Vicious


Curtesy of http://self-injury.net/doyousi/famous/
post #52 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheyenne
Mamas, is there anyone who wants to TALK about this?

What is it that makes you feel the most like self-harming? Anger? Disappointment? Sadness? Does your husband/partner know? How many of you have OCD - professionally or self diagnosed? How often do you self-harm, on average? Ever told anyone and NOT have them think you're nuts?

Wendy
Ok - I will try to answer these for myself. I most want to cut when I am frustrated and don't feel in control. You know, when something happens externally and I just don't feel like I can do anything about it. As far as i can remember, I have told all of my boyfriends about it, in time (no DH or SO right now). I don not have OCD, althought I do have some tendancies, I am definatly NOT OCD, although my brother is. I have been diagonosed with acute depression at the age of 15 - still ongoing, and at one point in my life when I was having more problems with cutting, I was diagnosed as Boarderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but my therapist told me that I can be diagnosed with it at that moment, but may not be at other times in my life. The only people who have not thought I was crazy were professionals - either in the psychology field, or self-injur-ers themselves.

I think that covers it.

Oh, and I have not had any signifigant issues since DD was born over 2 years ago, I think because it is easier to talk myself out of it with her around, especially since I don't think I could do it with her right there with me, and she usually is!
post #53 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by WitchyMama2
Johnny Depp
hmmm... I don't mind being grouped with him, although I can think of better reasons to do so.
post #54 of 71
I was thinking about this little "group" this morning and my history with self-injury, and I suddenly had one of those "oh my gosh" moments.

Do any of you, even if you've stopped cutting/ burning, have what you consider "residual" self harm habits? For the longest tme I compulsively picked my scabs, after I stopped cutting. I scratched my scabs open and never let them heal-- some scabs I would have for months. I scratched so deep sometimes you could see deep under the skin. I think this was "residual" self harm. Well I've stopped compulsively picking too-- yay!!!

But then I thought-- what about childbirth? See, I consider myself pretty crunchy, but I'm not one of those people who think epidurals are horrible things. I've actually seen situation where they helped the mama relax and open up more, possibly even avoiding c-sections. But I NEVER, not once, not ever, considered "letting" myself have an epidural. I just never even considered it. and honestly, for two of my births, I would have benefited from an epidural. The pain I experienced during those births was very traumatic and effected my bonding with my babies somewhat. So I wondered-- was not even letting myself consider an epidural, just another route to self-injury?

It would be different if I really felt epidurals were harmful-- lots of women do, and that is fine, I totally respect their opinion-- but it's just not my opinion. However, I never once considered having one, and I think that's due to this sort of residual self harm attitude/ aura I carry around still, even though I'm not actvely cutting (or even picking). Any thoughts?
post #55 of 71
About pain...

When I cut I felt no pain, just this sense of release. That was when I was cutting several times a day. When I got into therapy and was trying to stop, and only cutting once a week or less, it really started to hurt. I think it was because I was learning how to feel...

Now I am a complete wuss about pain. I gave birth twice without any sort of drug, as planned, but any other time, I absolutely do not tolerate pain. I get put to sleep for a routine dental cleaning, for starters. I use EMLA cream if I know I'm having blood drawn.

I guess since I put myself through so much pain for so long, I want to be able to escape it when I can.
post #56 of 71
Hmmm... I've always been a scab picker, but I DID have an epidural - I have an emergency induction and for hours I was on high levels of pitocin without any change. Finally the pain was so bad I could hardly breathe (I don't remember this now), and I still had no change, and little ease of pain with other drugs, so I finally got the epidural. I gave birth in less than 2 hours, and I was able to *enjoy* my birth, even though I was supposed to have a natural, water birth (I still am regretting not being able to do that).

But usually, I do feel the pain. I enjoy, and savor it. The pain is greatly lessened, but it is still there. Really, my favorite is the blood. I like looking at it, and seeing it welling up slowly. Needless to say, getting blood drawn is not a problem for me.
post #57 of 71
I used to feel like all the stuff I didn't want to deal with was flowing out with the blood...

A lot of cutters have told me that if they cut badly enough to go to the ER for stitches, they were denied pain relief.
post #58 of 71
I was treated really badly the few times I needed medical help. One of the last times I cut I got 52 stitches, and had to get it checked several times-- I cannot tell you how nasty and hostile the nurses were to me.

When I started to "snap out of it" and cutting no longer made sense to me, I started to feel pain when I did it. It hurt a lot! But before that point, I felt very little pain when cutting, and was pretty good with pain in general-- I could take a lot of it.

arismomkoofie-- I had a natural waterbirth and it was the most devastatingly painful thing I've ever experienced-- it was that experience that made me start to wonder what the heck I was doing to myself, and if it was possibly related to the whole self-harm thing.

also to arismom, I do believe compulsive scab picking is another form of self harm. You might want to consider the possiblility, just roll it around in your head a little. How many times do you scratch open a particular scab?

I JUST stopped scab picking in early March, after picking for ten years (which was when I gave up cutting). I think I traded in picking for cutting-- picking is less severe than cutting, but I still think it's in the same category, if it's really intense and compulsive.
post #59 of 71
I tend to pick a scab only three or four times, which is much better than it used to be. What is actually worse, is picking at my cuticles and the skin around my nails. I do that alot, and am trying to cut down. I have bought an inexpensive manicure kit so that I will keep my hands in better condition and stop messing with them, but it is going very sloooowwwlllyyy. I am at least aware of it, but this is the real behavior that has replaced cutting, I think.
post #60 of 71
arismom, I used to pick the same scab for months-- countless times. I even had favorite scabs to pick. How weird/nutty is that? (I use the term nutty humorously). There is a term for compulsively scab picking-- dermatilomania (sp?). Just like with the cutting, which I stopped abruptly, I also stopped the compulsive scab picking abruptly-- just stopped one day last March. I have scratched a few times since, when I'm sleepy or just waking up. But again I can't really explained what made me stop. Before that day, every day for tens years, I scratched open scabs over and over again, very deep.

I did the scab thing when I was a young child too, before I was cutting.
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