I need some support/reclarification!

[Chiromom]

I pretty much never read or post in this forum..so pardon my ignorance of the finer points of what is "acceptable" here. I do not mean to create controversy and am not interested in flaming...just some gentle disciple for myself perhaps?

I have three kids:
DS is almost 5 (this summer)
DD is 2
DD is three months

We never spank, use some 1,2,3 magic type behavior interuption technique, and generally I am a pretty "go with the flow" mom.

We have a few issues that I have been struggling with as far as what to do next. I have been struggling with authority struggles and anger issues with DS and DD has a fast "trigger" for this incredibly disruptive "pterydactile shriek", but overall am pretty cofident and comfortable with our discipline choices and style.

Last weekend I took the kids to visit my family. Two of my sisters currently live together (with my dad) and we stayed there. Over the course of the weekend I became aware that the noise and rowdyness of my kids was problematic for some family members and that overall my kids are perceived as less control-able, less respectful, more disruptive etc... than "normal" kids.

I am now confused and frusterated and questioning myself as to whether I am making good choices...maybe I am trying to have it both ways (gentle disciple and some mainstream authority roles) and failing or I just need a tune up or I need to just not visit them if they are going to judge the kids? Or am I just letting my feeling get hurt too easily? I spoke to my one sister about it and to my mom about it....they both were kind and supportive of my parenting decisions but seemed to think that yes, my kids don't 'obey' well and are pretty rowdy and into everything more so than the average child. Is this normal for GD kids or what?


Help..I'm confused!


Mar

[BusyMommy]

I don't post here often, so will bow out quickly But...I guess my bottom line is to ask myself if my boys have respect & are they learning common sense. Do they respect me, the kids & adults around them, pets, animals, nature, etc. And, are they starting to figure out how their actions are either a part of a ripple effect OR cause a ripple effect.

I ask them to use quiet voices indoors out of respect for other people but once they're outside, their yells could bring down an avalanche. They know Grandpa gets grumpy if they jump on his couch, so they wait till they're home and jump on their own bed. They know that if they hit a friend w/a stick on purpose, then into the car they go and that's the end of that hike. I did that once about a year ago and ever since the stick has been more cautious.

So, um, yeah, I'm prob. not the person to ask but my very very active boys have learned time & place.

Good luck!!!

[Chiromom]

Busymom, I like how rour response went back to the philosophy of what we do rather than debate the specifics...i know that always help me when I am confused about what to do. My goals for my children do not have much to do with specific behavior and more to do with the big picture: respecting and empathitizing with others, doing right rather than following set rules and authority.

This has become jumbled for me lately with DS who just refuses to do things he is asked to sometimes...I then we have minor power struggles. But he is a great, smart, and a kid who is interested in others, even if he is not the most "obedient" and calm child around.

DD just screams at the top of her lungs when things aren't going her way (which is not uncommon since she is two and has a big brother). I think part of the problem is that I ignore the screaming and just try to calm down the situation rather than teach her to use her words and a calm manner of communication.

I have fallen prey to harried mom syndrome I think and gotten lazy and less observant. Hmmmm.

[harmonymama]

I expect my kids to behave, but not necessarily obey. IMO The secret to well-behaved kids is that their parents EXPECT them to behave. Their parents teach them what's expected of them, and don't allow them not to behave appropriately. Others on this forum will probably disagree, as some people don't like the word behave, but I mean it in the sense of showing respect and consideration for others and learning what's appropriate in different situations. If your family has an issue with obedience, I would blow that off. If your kids are learning to be respectful and considerate of others, according to their developmental level, then I think they are doing fine. This does require a lot of teaching though. I think that "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" has really helped me figure out how to do this. She uses the analogy of: If your at work, and you fill out some paperwork, and you take it to to your boss, and your boss says, "This is all wrong. Don't come back until you have it right," instead of teaching you how to do it correctly, how will you learn?

My problem with "123 Magic" is this teaching issue. It gives us an easy way of stopping annoying behavior, but it doesn't teach our kids what TO do. Don't know if any of this is really applicable to your situation, but just thought I'd share my perspective.

[BusyMommy]

It's all a journey, for us and for them...

[Chiromom]

I don't have a problem with my children's behavior (except for a few issues we are working on) and I feel it is pretty appropriate for their ages, but I guess I am confused by other commenting that they seem more unruly and less obedient than other kids of their age. Does this jus go with the territory in GD world or am I dropping the ball? (I know this is probably pretty hard to answer without meeting them or me giving a bunch of specific examples.)