The Feedback Forum - Page 2

[BelovedK]

Thanks zenfulmama, I think i will try to rework the poem using more questions, When i read it, the last two lines make me cry bc they are true, i didn't know if they made sense...my son has threatened suicide on many occasions (thats a whole other thread in 'special needs parenting') so i want to somehow have that in there..I realize that it sounds kinda mean that i'm downstairs writing while my son is up there thinking about such awful things, but he just pushes me away and i don't know how to handle it (yes, we are getting help for him)

As you can tell, i suffer from alot of 'Mother Guilt'

Any other feedback would be welcomed :

[zenfulmama]

more feedback for K

in my opinion, one of the merits of getting feedback is that our readers are not emotionally attached to the piece, howver, because of this sometimes we don't "get it" ...if the last two lines make you cry, then the idea of them definetly needs to be included. rhythm wise, those last two lines didn't work for me...and i didn't think that it sounded mean, it just didn't fit somehow. maybe if you switched the last two stanzas...so that it went with the one questioning your pysical whereabouts...and perhaps you could extrapolate on the disconnectedness that you feel because of his pain, and being separate. hope this helps, and i hope your beautiful boy is feeling better...

happy writing :

[Fairy4tmama]

I would love some feedback on this piece I am mainly looking for some praying to the : gods type inspiration but will take any feedback that comes my way! I had a rough time with this assighnment, just wasn't in a writting groove I guess. I like the concept I have goin' but I feel like its akward and needs more....but I am not sure what YK.
TIA

Abundance

I live in a state of wealth and privilege unimaginable to mothers of centuries past. My children have a different set of clothing for each day of the week. Their diapers are conveniently washed and dried by machine. To cook I need only turn a dial and a flame appears. Hauling water requires only that I move the hose to a desired location. And should the thought of cooking over my ever ready flame overwhelm me I am free to tell my husband and others to fend for themselves, or bolder still to cook for me.

Yet I can not rid myself of the feeling that all this material abundance is exacting too high a price. With the evolution of such common abundance our society has become increasingly distant from one another. No longer are the tasks of family life shared among extended family but shouldered completely by one or two adults. I often long for less material abundance in exchange for an abundance of human familiarity. Would it be as easy as I think to give up my pre-sliced bread for the companion ship of other women as we knead bread, our children playing near by? Could I really trade my independence for a mandated period of rest in the menstruation hut?

[Fairy4tmama]

Feedback for quaz

I really loved the way your story unfolded, it really left me wanting to know more about mammy and jason. I felt like mmamy was a very real person jason how ever seemed kind of two dimensional to me his dialog just didn't ring true.
sorry this so short naked toddler running with broom gotta catch up

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by Fairy4tmama

I would love some feedback on this piece I am mainly looking for some praying to the : gods type inspiration but will take any feedback that comes my way! I had a rough time with this assighnment, just wasn't in a writting groove I guess. I like the concept I have goin' but I feel like its akward and needs more....but I am not sure what YK.
TIA

Abundance

I live in a state of wealth and privilege unimaginable to mothers of centuries past. My children have a different set of clothing for each day of the week. Their diapers are conveniently washed and dried by machine. To cook I need only turn a dial and a flame appears. Hauling water requires only that I move the hose to a desired location. And should the thought of cooking over my ever ready flame overwhelm me I am free to tell my husband and others to fend for themselves, or bolder still to cook for me.

Yet I can not rid myself of the feeling that all this material abundance is exacting too high a price. With the evolution of such common abundance our society has become increasingly distant from one another. No longer are the tasks of family life shared among extended family but shouldered completely by one or two adults. I often long for less material abundance in exchange for an abundance of human familiarity. Would it be as easy as I think to give up my pre-sliced bread for the companion ship of other women as we knead bread, our children playing near by? Could I really trade my independence for a mandated period of rest in the menstruation hut?

I think what you say is so true and i have often thought the same thing, so it resonated with me...The main feedback i can offer is the overuse of the word 'abundance' Alot of times i try to think of other ways, words to describe the same concept , i've burned up my thesaurus in the process.
I have found that with writing, practice just paves the way for more ideas, you are doing great, great peice

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by zenfulmama

in my opinion, one of the merits of getting feedback is that our readers are not emotionally attached to the piece, howver, because of this sometimes we don't "get it" ...if the last two lines make you cry, then the idea of them definetly needs to be included. rhythm wise, those last two lines didn't work for me...and i didn't think that it sounded mean, it just didn't fit somehow. maybe if you switched the last two stanzas...so that it went with the one questioning your pysical whereabouts...and perhaps you could extrapolate on the disconnectedness that you feel because of his pain, and being separate. hope this helps, and i hope your beautiful boy is feeling better...

happy writing :

zenfulmama, I didn't think you sounded mean at all, i appreciate the feedback more than you know. I can't wait to share my peice on postpartum psychosis, but i'm not sure this is the right forum, though i need feedback on things like plot and character developement, perhaps we can just chat about the generalities of those things.

[rachelrain]

feedback for quaz

I loved your story. It was so refreshing to read the format of a story and to be entertained by a plot that moves along until it reaches a pithy ending. It's a little hard for me to come up with critical feedback. I suggest giving it a little time and then going back and giving an overall edit and considering making it either more poetic with fewer words and more mood and image or using descriptive language as you used, but getting even more into the interesting details...what are they wearing, what are the expressions on their faces, the color of the sky, more details about the people getting on and off the bus.

Definitely keep it up! I needed the message, too, of course.
rachel

[BelovedK]

zenfulmama, I just wanted to offer you a small feedback on your abundance peice. It flowed bc it seemed to be written very stream of consciousness, it reminded me of an intimate journal entry.
The only thing i saw that i would change is the repetition of the word 'grace' I would remove the 1st grace , so you can still have the rhyme 'dance and prance' otherwise it was honestly written and easy to read bc of the format

[BelovedK]

feedback

zenfulmama, I just wanted to offer you a small feedback on your abundance peice. It flowed bc it seemed to be written very stream of consciousness, it reminded me of an intimate journal entry.
The only thing i saw that i would change is the repetition of the word 'grace' I would remove the 1st grace , so you can still have the rhyme 'dance and prance' otherwise it was honestly written and easy to read bc of the format

[BelovedK]

feedback

zenfulmama, I just wanted to offer you a small feedback on your abundance peice. It flowed bc it seemed to be written very stream of consciousness, it reminded me of an intimate journal entry.
The only thing i saw that i would change is the repetition of the word 'grace' I would remove the 1st grace , so you can still have the rhyme 'dance and prance' otherwise it was honestly written and easy to read bc of the format

[BelovedK]

feedback

zenfulmama, I just wanted to offer you a small feedback on your abundance peice. It flowed bc it seemed to be written very stream of consciousness, it reminded me of an intimate journal entry.
The only thing i saw that i would change is the repetition of the word 'grace' I would remove the 1st grace , so you can still have the rhyme 'dance and prance' otherwise it was honestly written and easy to read bc of the format

[BelovedK]

Sorry for the repititions, i don't know how to delete them.

[quaz]

Fairy4tmama/RachelRain,

Thx for the feedback. That really helped alot, b/c it really echoed my opinion... the work in my mind seems to be almost a skeleton for a longer more descriptive narrative that expands on details and people (agreed Jason isn't fleshed out much), or a short, bare, more poetic, story. I think at this point, that is really what I needed to hear, someone really echo what I'd been thinking, b/c that helps me know that my opinion of it is valid. :-)

Ok, gotta go back and read and comment on some of these. See how much I can do with a nursing child.

Tammy

[quaz]

Fairy4tmama- Abundance- feedback

I'm still not sure I understand what the 'praying to the gods' feedback means, but ya mentioned looking for inspiration and that you had difficulty with this piece.

What really resonated with me the most in this piece are the comparisons between life LONG ago, and now. Words/phrases like "ever ready flame" "fend for themselves" "evolutionary" "menstruation hut", evoke that image for me. I really like that comparison, b/c you aren't just comparing 1800's to now, you are going beyond that, which gives a different twist to it.


B/c of that, I think the parts that don't work are the pieces that distract from that image... phrases like "mothers of centuries past" or even the 'kneading bread" didn't work for me b/c it wasn't going as far back as those other phrases are. I almost think that is why you were struggling with the piece. You were evoking this one image of ages ago, but holding on to another image of just centuries ago. Maybe not...but I think by focusing on one image or the other, you would have not struggled as much with the piece.

Hopefully this is what ya meant by "praying to the gods" input. :-)

Tammy

[quaz]

BelovedK- abundance- blue eyes/imagination


Between the two, I enjoyed blue eyes. I think b/c blue eyes makes me think of abundance in a different manor than the norm, and that's what I personally like when I read something...

The style on the two are similar, and while not a journal entry, they have that feel to me... kinda a relaxed, personal writing. It gives it an enjoyable homey flow, and draws the reader in.... and considering the topic is of home, that style matches great in my mind.

I'm not sure I have any constructive criticism for either of these. For some reason imagination doesn't work for as well for me as a reader, and blue eyes does... and after reading both several times, I don't know why. All I can come up with is personal preference, b/c I don't see anything else. *shrug*

Tammy

[zenfulmama]

it is soooo hard to give feedback like this because it's not face to face and at times there is a definite communication break down...which i will attempt to reconstruct: Beloved K, i didn't think that you said i was mean...What I was refering to was when you said, "I realize that it sounds kinda mean that i'm downstairs writing while my son is up there thinking about such awful things, but he just pushes me away and i don't know how to handle it (yes, we are getting help for him)" So when I said, "and i didn't think that it sounded mean, it just didn't fit somehow. maybe if you switched the last two stanzas...so that it went with the one questioning your pysical whereabouts..." I was not talking about myself but what you said when describing your poem. ok, i hope we are clear now. and thank you for the feedback on my poem. i would love to write one right now, but i am so frazzled.

[Fairy4tmama]

thanks for the feedback belovedk and quaz, I found both of your comments to be very helpful. I am hoping to re-work the second paragraph. Unfortunatly I dont have an abundance of : time just now as my kiddos and dh are all sick but I am still hoping for a new assighnment soon!

[Fairy4tmama]

Originally Posted by quaz

BelovedK- abundance- blue eyes/imagination

I'm not sure I have any constructive criticism for either of these. For some reason imagination doesn't work for as well for me as a reader, and blue eyes does... and after reading both several times, I don't know why. All I can come up with is personal preference, b/c I don't see anything else. *shrug*

Tammy

:

Its funny quaz pretty much posted exactly what I was planning on posting except for me it was imagination that I connected with...and I too think it just came down to personal prefrence. I realy felt like I was sitting in the coffee house ease dropping on you and your children :LOL

[Fairy4tmama]

MOTHER GUILT

Where does frustration lie?
Is it upstairs lying in his room,
or under my thick hair?

Where does regret lie?
does it lie on his bed, wishing to die,
or in my unspoken words?

Where does attonement lie?
does it continue telling untruths,
or do i lie to myself?

Where am i?
am i upstairs with him,
or downstairs in my seperate heart?

Our hearts used to beat inches apart
our blood mingled while he lived in my belly


now he is upstairs, contemplating leaving
while i sit down here writing

Belovedk I really love this poem, not just blowing smoke, I honestly loved it! I too, however, feel that the last line
now he is upstairs, contemplating leaving
while i sit down here writing
feels out of place to me as the reader. I can totaly see how it is an intagral(sp?) part of the poem for you as the writer....what if you used it as the title instead

He is upstairs, contemplating leaving
while i sit down here writing

Where does frustration lie?
Is it upstairs lying in his room,
or under my thick hair?

Where does regret lie?
does it lie on his bed, wishing to die,
or in my unspoken words?

Where does attonement lie?
does it continue telling untruths,
or do i lie to myself?

Where am i?
am i upstairs with him,
or downstairs in my seperate heart?

Our hearts used to beat inches apart
our blood mingled while he lived in my belly

[BelovedK]

Thanks, FairyFtmama, I think using it as a title leaves the last stanza in need of a question as a lead in, I think i'll rework it in a few ways when i have time. I'm sorry your family is all sick, that bites to have everyone sick around you, maybe you will find time to write soon.

zenfulmama, Understood. It'll be nice to meet face to face to discuss our writing :