The Feedback Forum - Page 3

[quaz]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

Thanks, FairyFtmama, I think using it as a title leaves the last stanza in need of a question as a lead in, I think i'll rework it in a few ways when i have time. I'm sorry your family is all sick, that bites to have everyone sick around you, maybe you will find time to write soon.

zenfulmama, Understood. It'll be nice to meet face to face to discuss our writing :

Well, I basically wrote that last night, but wasn't able to post b/c of my toddler. Anyway, what I was going to say, is the poem seems to work well for me, but those last four lines... I think the reason the last four lines don't flow as well is b/c the first stanzas all have the 'where' question in it, and the last four only has a subtle reference to where. I think by either adding a 'where' question or a 'where' statement, it would work better.... of course that just might be my personal preference, b/c that is what I've done when I've done 'questioning' poems like this.... I end with a statement instead of a question, but I still put the primary thought/word into the last statement.


Not sure if that made any sense. :-)

Oh, and on your other questions... sure post more poems on the other forum, I don't see why not. And, sure, if ya want to post ya're PPD (that is not based on real events), I don't see an issue with that.

Tammy

[BelovedK]

Thanks Quaz, That is really constructive feedback, thank you, I can't wait to rework the poem (I've been grappling w/ printer problems all day)
I don't think i have the nerve to print the Post partum psychosis peice, it is definately not warm ~or~ fuzzy, maybe this isn't the forum for it, I do have others that i'd love feedback on though, I can't wait for the next assignment.

[BelovedK]

zenfulmama, I loved and related to that poem...The only feedback i have is in the form. It would be easier to read with more spaces between the stanzas, and there was a place in the middle that didn't rhyme and flow with the rest of the poem, although i liked it.
The space thing is definately a matter of style and it does make it easier to get into, i will read it again to see if something else comes up. Thanks for sharing it with us. I love poetic writing.

[zenfulmama]

gentle

poetry feedback for Beloved ~K...when i compose a poem the rhthym mysteriously appears--i find that to be part of the beauty. it's so organic, sometimes the rhythm is unbeknownst to me. i will rework the Mother Woe poem and maybe even try to count the syllables in the lines to become more in tune with it. About your new posted poem. I want to tell you that what strikes me about it is the gentleness, and grace of the lines (and content). it is sad but also soothing.

[BelovedK]

Quaz, I really loved your poem, it made me want to nuzzle up to my own mama once again. The ~only~ feedback that i can offer is that i was thrown off as a reader (not a feeler) by the differing syllables throughout the poem. It was clear and easy to read otherwise. I love reading about the precious nursing journey.

[quaz]

Thanks for the feedback. :-)

Yah, I noticed as I was writing it, there was one or two places I wasn't happy with the syllables. I think one of the spaces was in the second or third stanza with the beginning lines, it was 4 instead of 3. There was also another places I noticed a break in syllables, somewhere in the middle of one of the stanzas. (I'll have to go back and read it tomorrow, I've been trying not to reread anything I've written until at least the following day... gives me a better perspective when I look at it).

I was torn when writing it between keeping the stanzas very rhythmically, or keeping some of the simple ideas in. In the end I went with just keeping the ideas in. Problem is I kinda want both. LOL. Anyway, this was an interesting one to write, I wanted something to express a basic everyday ritual... nothing like a lullaby to express nursing a child to bed every night.... especially since my 16m old doesn't want anything to do with weaning. I'll have to see if anything makes sense to rework when I read it tomorrow.
Thanks again!

Tammy

[BelovedK]

I always find things, and a new perspective when i look at my work the next day. I usually end up editing the h&ll out of it. Not that you should, i would even love more description from yours though. i wanna know more

[BelovedK]

Quaz,

I was rereading your poem and got the image of it making the most beautiful childrens book, as is.

[BelovedK]

Sorry for the multiple posts, but the pictures could give the extra detail that i was reffering to, i love the idea

Keep writing :

[quaz]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

Quaz,

I was rereading your poem and got the image of it making the most beautiful childrens book, as is.

Why thanks!
I have a few poems stashed away somewhere that I actually like as the idea of children books, but they are only partial works. I just liked the first few stanzas so well, and just couldn't get any further stanzas, so I put them down. I actually just read this lovely book call "The snail and the whale", and the way it was written I loved and just reminded me of those set down poems.



Feedback on your poem- Don't have much of a critique. It gives a very visual image... it's not a poem, and not a journal entry, but is something in between... I really enjoyed the visuality of it, since it gave a clear image of a little girl getting ready for bed.

I think the only thing I'd personally change would be the last line of the third stanza, and that I'd just move to the top of that stanza. (same maybe with the last stanza moving the bear line to the top of that stanza) Reason- I think it flows better... you have then almost all the stanzas starting with more of an 'auditory' trigger. "privacy please", "night water", "sides and tummy", "bedtime bear" (although, which CD is an auditory clue)... I think then that is almost like glue, and holds the stanzas together to make it more poetic. Not sure if that makes any sense or not, but just the impression I got from reading it.

Tammy

[quaz]

Rewrite...worked as a lullaby tonight too. LOL. Think I'm more satisfied with this one... still kept most of what I wanted, happier with the rhythm, and while it would be nice to evoke more imagery, the essence of this is on the side of simplicity. Of course, the more realistic version of this poem... a 16m old doing acrobatic nursing while I'm trying to convince her she should actually sleep.... although once that sun dips... below is pretty much our evening ritual.


Sun slips west
Time to rest
Snuggle up
Nuzzle up
Close against my breast

Drink your fill
As you will
Sleepy time
Stars now shine
As the evening stills

Warm hands brush
Breasts they touch
Now it's night
Soft moonlight
Blankets in a hush

(Actually think I like ... instead of the above stanza
Small warm hands
Brush breasts and
Now it's night
Soft moonlight
Covers all the land)


Breathing slows
Eyes now closed
Snuggle up
Nuzzle up
Love will always grow.

[BelovedK]

Quaz, I love that, it flows with such rythym, i actually like both of the stanzas. I like the line "blankets in a hush" , maybe you could mix it up. Otherwise, find an illustrator and let me know when your book comes out

[BelovedK]

BTW, i made some changes to my peice and posted them on the 'ritual' thread, I think it works better, thanks

[quaz]

Feedback on Jelly Dougnuts. (and not that they taste good, but the item I posted on the ritual thread )

Looking for things that work, things that could be improved. Also looking for input on if it is descriptive or not descriptive enough in the details.

thx
Tammy

[BelovedK]

Quaz, You can never be too descriptive. That was great, i was right there under the Christmas tree with you and your sisters. I have no feedback right now, it was very good.

[BelovedK]

I just posted three things (short), i would love honest feedback on my style, etc. Thanks....

[quaz]

Beloved K- weekly ritual- Weekly dread

I liked the poem. I like the thoughts, and it gets it point across to the reader. I like the third stanza the best. I read it the other day, but didn't post until now b/c busy, and b/c the second stanza I was having an issue with the flow and couldn't figure out what... finally figured it out.


Wednesday nights
They're fed
and ready for bed.
Impending drive,
It circles around
in my head.

No 'bedtime bear',
It travels inside her soft arms.
To daddys lap,
Proctecting,
he keeps them from harm.

Two empty beds,
i pace
and remember the noise.
They're in their other home,
They're gone,
i still trip over toys.


So, that is how my mind kept mentally breaking up the poem.... took me a day or two to figure that was how my mind kept reading it......LOL.... that is why the rhythm of the second stanza seemed off to me... b/c I couldn't break up that second line since there was no 'and' in it like the other stanzas.... so to my mind there were 6 lines, 5 lines, 6 lines.

So, after re-rereading it again... I haven't decided if the rhythm of the second stanza seems off to me or not, or if I like the flow the way it is. Don't know. I do like the poem, though.

[quaz]

Beloved K- After the baby- cesearean birth- ten centimeters

So, you asked specifically on style. I think the style of these two worked better for me than Weekly Dread. (maybe b/c of the flow issue I was having). I enjoy the style, since it seems to be 'your' style, more than the poem. Your style seems very relaxed, journalistic (but not), and descriptive. I think that style when dealing with items that are close to you, can easily draw a reader in. I think it works best for short items, such as a few pages in length or shorter... like most the items I've read from you.

"The baby came home from the hospital the other day and i still feel disoriented. " That one line didn't work for me. It stopped the flow for me. I think b/c when I read "the baby came home from the hospital the other day", I thought, "the baby", does she mean "her baby", and I just had this image jump into my mind of this random baby hoping into the car, and going home... kinda like "dh came home from work this evening".... A nit, more than anything, but thought I'd mention.

Anyway, of the three, I personally liked cesearean birth the best... I think I like it b/c it has the most depth, and reaches a reader on different levels.

Btw, I had issues slinging dd... well, I had a 3 week period from 9-12 weeks were that was the only way she would sleep, but then couldn't get her in it agian until she was 4m, and I could put her in a hip carry position.

Hth.

Tammy

[BelovedK]

Zenfulmama, LOL, that is a wonderfull childrens book, i can just see some mama reading the board book to her little tot. I can see the book so loved it is chewed upon by the child (not that dog-gone dog)
I have no feedback except that i loved it, thank you for sharing it.

I'm assuming this is the board book you were speaking of the other day.

[zenfulmama]

BK, yes it is the book that i was referring to during our non-virtual group...that is funny to think of a baby chewing on a book about a dog chewing on a bone. hee hee :LOL :LOL