OK, sorry for the caps in the title, but this is something I really didn't think we would STILL be dealing with at almost age 3.5.
First some backround, and please, if you don't agree with what I did when ds was a young toddler, refrain from saying so. Unless you have a spirited child *with* feeding issues, it might be hard to understand.
OK, like I said, ds1 is high-needs and very sensitive. Always has been. He also had severe reflux as a baby and a frenulum that was too tight (was surgically corrected at age 20 months). Because of his temperment, the pain caused by reflux and his physical problem in his mouth, solids (and food in general even before solids were started) took forever to introduce. Really, he didn't eat much in the way of them until 17 months. And even then it was almost like he would happily starve. It was impossible to get him to eat enough to maintain his weight. The *only* way I could get him to eat anything was to bring toys to his highchair and play/distract him while I shoveled the food in.
Yes, I know what you are thinking, that doing what I just described is bad and evil, but unless you've ever had a child (not a baby!) who refused to eat, it is hard to understand. That is what I *had* to do. It was almost like he lacked the ability to self-regulate or something. Very strange.
Anyway, this continued until around age 2, when he FINALLY started seeming interested in food, telling me he was hungry, etc. But, because of what I had done in the past with toys at the table, etc, he insisted that I feed him. I obliged, after all he was my only child, I had the time and I figured this would be a short lived thing and that eventually he would want to feed himself.
Fast forward to now, almost age 3.5, and we are still feeding him his meals. Yes, if there are finger foods on his plate he will feed himself those and he'll eat snacks of finger foods by himself, but anything requiring a fork and spoon, we have to do.
Now, if he were a 'normal' kid, I might have pressed the issue a while back, but he is *extremely* sensitive and is an *extreme*, and I mean EXTREME perfectionist, and he gets very very upset when he tries to feed himself and he makes a mess. This is despite all my efforts to ignore the mess, tell him that it's OK and I will clean it, tell him that practice makes perfect, blah blah blah. When I mention feeding himself, I can tell he gets very nervous. And of course, since he has little practice, he is very sloppy, moreso than other children his age.
So, just continue feeding him, you say?
Well, there are two problems with that.
One is that I have an 11 month old as well who needs to be fed. It's hard enough to feed two children without mixing up spoons, bites, and food, but forget about me being able to eat as well. Dh is a physician and works long hours, so I am the one responsible for all three meals 5 days a week and 2-4 weekends a month, so it's not like dh could feed one and I feed one.
The second problem is really what is driving me batty and making me resentful. Because ds1 has nothing to do at the dinner table other than chew and swallow (I did put an end to the toys at the table a while back), he gets very restless and starts misbehaving. Things like standing, yes standing, on the dinner table. Constantly running back and forth between the living room and the table. Crawling under the table.
He was pulling that crap tonight when dh was home and feeding him while I was feeding ds2. We both were getting very annoyed. Over and over we asked him to stay in his chair and told him that if he wanted daddy to feed him he needed to sit still so that daddy could feed him. Finally, dh refused to feed him anymore, and ds began to wail and dinner ended in disaster.
So what am I supposed to do? This is seriously becoming a huge issue for us. I am trying to be respectful of his sensitivies, but it seems like he won't even try to work with us (as in, we will feed you but you must stay in your chair). I really don't think that is too much to ask out of a 3 year old. And honestly, if he just would feed himself, I wouldn't care (to some extent) if he got down out of his chair and took the meal at his own pace.
Also, he LOVES to feed his brother and pitches a huge fit if I suggest he feed himself instead.
My dh has suggested that I draw the line starting tomorrow by refusing to feed him and providing him with a wet towel that he can clean himself up with during the meal.
I just don't know what the right thing to do is
. The few times I have gotten really aggrevated with him and 'made' him feed himself ( 
: I shouldn't have done that, I know), it has been so pitiful to watch. He struggles so badly and gets so frustrated with himself.
*Sigh* I think maybe I overanalyze things, but man, parenting sure is hard.
ETA: OMGosh, I just looked at this and I swear I didn't mean to write a novel. I have been mentally composing this post all day, so it didn't take long to type and therefore I didn't know it was this long. Thanks for reading!
First some backround, and please, if you don't agree with what I did when ds was a young toddler, refrain from saying so. Unless you have a spirited child *with* feeding issues, it might be hard to understand.
OK, like I said, ds1 is high-needs and very sensitive. Always has been. He also had severe reflux as a baby and a frenulum that was too tight (was surgically corrected at age 20 months). Because of his temperment, the pain caused by reflux and his physical problem in his mouth, solids (and food in general even before solids were started) took forever to introduce. Really, he didn't eat much in the way of them until 17 months. And even then it was almost like he would happily starve. It was impossible to get him to eat enough to maintain his weight. The *only* way I could get him to eat anything was to bring toys to his highchair and play/distract him while I shoveled the food in.
Yes, I know what you are thinking, that doing what I just described is bad and evil, but unless you've ever had a child (not a baby!) who refused to eat, it is hard to understand. That is what I *had* to do. It was almost like he lacked the ability to self-regulate or something. Very strange.
Anyway, this continued until around age 2, when he FINALLY started seeming interested in food, telling me he was hungry, etc. But, because of what I had done in the past with toys at the table, etc, he insisted that I feed him. I obliged, after all he was my only child, I had the time and I figured this would be a short lived thing and that eventually he would want to feed himself.
Fast forward to now, almost age 3.5, and we are still feeding him his meals. Yes, if there are finger foods on his plate he will feed himself those and he'll eat snacks of finger foods by himself, but anything requiring a fork and spoon, we have to do.
Now, if he were a 'normal' kid, I might have pressed the issue a while back, but he is *extremely* sensitive and is an *extreme*, and I mean EXTREME perfectionist, and he gets very very upset when he tries to feed himself and he makes a mess. This is despite all my efforts to ignore the mess, tell him that it's OK and I will clean it, tell him that practice makes perfect, blah blah blah. When I mention feeding himself, I can tell he gets very nervous. And of course, since he has little practice, he is very sloppy, moreso than other children his age.
So, just continue feeding him, you say?
Well, there are two problems with that.
One is that I have an 11 month old as well who needs to be fed. It's hard enough to feed two children without mixing up spoons, bites, and food, but forget about me being able to eat as well. Dh is a physician and works long hours, so I am the one responsible for all three meals 5 days a week and 2-4 weekends a month, so it's not like dh could feed one and I feed one.
The second problem is really what is driving me batty and making me resentful. Because ds1 has nothing to do at the dinner table other than chew and swallow (I did put an end to the toys at the table a while back), he gets very restless and starts misbehaving. Things like standing, yes standing, on the dinner table. Constantly running back and forth between the living room and the table. Crawling under the table.
He was pulling that crap tonight when dh was home and feeding him while I was feeding ds2. We both were getting very annoyed. Over and over we asked him to stay in his chair and told him that if he wanted daddy to feed him he needed to sit still so that daddy could feed him. Finally, dh refused to feed him anymore, and ds began to wail and dinner ended in disaster.
So what am I supposed to do? This is seriously becoming a huge issue for us. I am trying to be respectful of his sensitivies, but it seems like he won't even try to work with us (as in, we will feed you but you must stay in your chair). I really don't think that is too much to ask out of a 3 year old. And honestly, if he just would feed himself, I wouldn't care (to some extent) if he got down out of his chair and took the meal at his own pace.
Also, he LOVES to feed his brother and pitches a huge fit if I suggest he feed himself instead.
My dh has suggested that I draw the line starting tomorrow by refusing to feed him and providing him with a wet towel that he can clean himself up with during the meal.
I just don't know what the right thing to do is
. The few times I have gotten really aggrevated with him and 'made' him feed himself ( : I shouldn't have done that, I know), it has been so pitiful to watch. He struggles so badly and gets so frustrated with himself.*Sigh* I think maybe I overanalyze things, but man, parenting sure is hard.
ETA: OMGosh, I just looked at this and I swear I didn't mean to write a novel. I have been mentally composing this post all day, so it didn't take long to type and therefore I didn't know it was this long. Thanks for reading!
)
