Please help me mamas, this issue is making me feel ANGRY & RESENTFUL & MANIPULATED - Page 2

[lilyka]

We all posted the same time last night.

I wanted to third fourth fifth whatever sensory isues. Sensory issus don't have to be debilitating. they are just annoying. I have sensory isues in some areas and got along just fine without so much as a diagnosis much less special help of any sort.

it is possible with his early feeding problems oral sensory issues developed. no big. ust something that might more easily be delt with with a coupld of meetings with an OT. They may have more specific ideas for ays to get over specific challeneges. Alot of my dds sensory issues are oral. She had a lot of deep suctioning and feeding tubes and was constantly overfed ni the NICU. It all came to a head as undersensitivites orally, sucking needs that can't be met and the inability to tell when she is full. with reflux and a tounge tie i would think a child couls easily develope aversians and over sensitivities.

to some extent we all have sensory issues here or threre. Most people it is just written off as quirky because that is all it is. But others people have a degree to which they are disfunctional. it inteferes with so much of thier lives they can't compensate (dd1). Others are especially blessed in this area (dd#2) but most people are right in the middle some where with quirks that they can work around. (dd#3) she has a couple of issues I have picked up on just from dealing with this but nothing I have the time or concern to deal with. s he will figure it out in her time. I would have benifited from a little help or at elast understanding but I got by OK. So it isn't a desease or a dissability (for most people) it is just when some part of your wiring gets askew and it is often caused by outside influances. My oldest dd and I were both premature and in the nicu. my third child who is pretty average had a slightly traumatic birth but was suronded by love and tenderness. my one who is esp[ecially tuned in to her world had a very gentle home birth with no problems in the following weeks, no intervention during the pregnancy and a gentle beginning to her life all around. coincedence? I have no scientific evidence but I htink there is more than a small connection.

It would make sense that since your son had such feeding issues as an infant (talking about the reflux etc - not playing with a few toys.) that some of those connections were put askew. And now they just need a little help getting over the hump and reorganizing. and that is what OT does.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

If this were me, I think I would probably explore the issue with a doctor just to "cover my bases" as it were. I don't have any experience with this, so others have more expertise that I do. Asuming that doesn't reveal anything...

I also like the idea of starting where he is comfortable, with finger foods. My 2 YO is completely self-feeding, but eats most stuff with her fingers, so I know that you can get a reasonably balanced diet with just your hands. She likes everything pretty cool and I cut everything into little tiny pieces for her before she sits down. After that, she's on her own, unless she asks for help. For us, "finger foods" is anything that we are eating, cooled and cut for her. We avoid soup, and anything that has a sauce I serve as "dip" for her. If its something like stew (cooked in sauce), I cut it into small pieces and don't put too much sauce on her plate.

If mess is an issue, then wet towel might help. I would probably provide everyone with a wet towel though, so he doesn't feel like you are expecting only him to have a problem.

How is your younger child doing with solids? Would you consider moving to more finger foods/self feeding for him too? I know that both of my kids were pretty insistent at feeding themselves, starting at about 10 months. Maybe if both children were self-feeding with their fingers it would take the stress off the older one? Just a thought.

And please, don't beat yourself up about what has gone before this. You did what you needed to do at the time and no one here should secondguess that.

[The Lucky One]

Wow! I'm back and I never dreamed I'd get so many thoughtful responses!

I'm not sure really where to start, but I think I will by saying that we've had a good day here at mealtimes. This morning, before breakfast, I explained to him that I would like to see him feeding himself more than he has been. I told him there were several reasons but mainly so he could decide what food he wants and in what order/how much/bite size/etc and also so it would be easier for me to eat my own meals. Suprisingly, he agreed that he should at least give it a try.

I made all of us oatmeal for breakfast. I allowed his to cool pretty well and then called him to the table. As I was eating and feeding ds2, I 'loaded up' ds1's spoon and asked him to put it in his mouth. He did. Over and over. He also took the spoon several times and submerged it in the oatmeal and got his own bites. He used the washcloth I gave him several times and the experience was very pleasant. Same with lunch.

I kind of feel like a fool, because if things continue they way they have been today, I don't anticipate too many more problems. I think I was just expecting too much all at once (expecting him just to be able to suddenly do *all* of the work). But that's so me. I get so caught up and worried about a situation that I can't see the forest for the trees. Kwim?

Oh shoot! Doorbell! Gotta go. More later...

[Piglet68]

I haven't had a chance to read the replies, but I had to respond to your OP.

What you did with the toys, feeding him, etc...that's EXACTLY what I did with DD. And she is not high-needs by any definition, nor has she ever had any eating issues (other than the usual toddler pickiness). So IMO you haven't done anything wrong.

When we moved into our current home and got a proper dining table and chairs, we decided to institute rules about eating at the table. But expecting my DD (who was 2 at the time) to sit still long enough to eat a meal was a bit unrealistic IMO. So rather than make mealtimes unpleasant for everybody, we allowed her to read books at the table, or play with some toys. This was enough to distract her while I spoon fed her. There were times when she asked to do it herself, and I let her. Mostly, I had to do it. But as time went by, more and more she asked to do it herself. She will be 3 soon, and I'd say it's about 60/40 between us feeding her, and her feeding herself. She most definitely eats more when we feed her. And yes, I still let her read at the table, or play with a limited selection of toys. Why not? It makes mealtimes pleasant for everybody.

Do I think she'll still need to be spoonfed and read at the table when she is 10? no, lol.

I do understand that your problem is with having two kids to spoon feed. I'm sure it is driving you crazy. There have definitely been days when I'm trying to nurse DS and feed DD and I wish she could just eat herself all the time. But you know....if I try even once to force the issue, I've ruined it. As it is right now, she considers feeding herself a bit of a treat. More and more that's what she wants. So I'm just going with it. Because I'm confident that she will eventually not need or want me to do it at all, and I'm confident that if I push the issue, we can kiss our peaceful mealtimes goodbye.

I'm not sure if this helps you, but I wanted you to know you haven't done anything wrong, and no, I do not think it is too unrealistic for a 3.5 year old to want some interaction like that with you, especially if the issue has become a "hot" one. Personally, I'd let him play with whatever he wants at the table. But that's JMHO.

[gaialice]

Originally Posted by The Lucky One

Because ds1 has nothing to do at the dinner table other than chew and swallow he gets very restless and starts misbehaving.

I received lots of very good advice on this forum on how to improve the atmosphere at the house during meals. So here goes:
- play restaurant: Write/draw together with ds1 the menu of the evening. Then stick it on the kitchen door and ask him to "play client" so he has to knock at the kitchen door, pick his table..... while you play the waiter. This is a big success with my daughters. It is true it takes some time, but it's worth it. It will be more fun when dc2 is in the picture but you may find ways of involving him.
- involve ds1 in dinner preparation. This also takes sooo much time but it leads to them eating a whole lot more - both during preparation and at meal time
- have nice and funny conversation at lunch/dinner time. This does have to involve bringing toys to the dinner table. Stories are nice too. And they can be invented stories, that ds1 can complete...
- have a frank discussion about lunch/dinner with ds1. Not at lunch time. At a time as far from lunch or dinner as possible. Just ask him to give you his ideas about how you can all eat happily together.
I know lunch/dinner time can be very stressful, especially with two closely spaced kids. Does ds1 like drawing? My dd1 (4) loves drawing, so many times if she's done eating she will just lay on the floor and draw...

[mz_libbie22]

Originally Posted by The Lucky One

Wow! I'm back and I never dreamed I'd get so many thoughtful responses!

I'm not sure really where to start, but I think I will by saying that we've had a good day here at mealtimes. This morning, before breakfast, I explained to him that I would like to see him feeding himself more than he has been. I told him there were several reasons but mainly so he could decide what food he wants and in what order/how much/bite size/etc and also so it would be easier for me to eat my own meals. Suprisingly, he agreed that he should at least give it a try.

I made all of us oatmeal for breakfast. I allowed his to cool pretty well and then called him to the table. As I was eating and feeding ds2, I 'loaded up' ds1's spoon and asked him to put it in his mouth. He did. Over and over. He also took the spoon several times and submerged it in the oatmeal and got his own bites. He used the washcloth I gave him several times and the experience was very pleasant. Same with lunch.

I kind of feel like a fool, because if things continue they way they have been today, I don't anticipate too many more problems. I think I was just expecting too much all at once (expecting him just to be able to suddenly do *all* of the work). But that's so me. I get so caught up and worried about a situation that I can't see the forest for the trees. Kwim?

Oh shoot! Doorbell! Gotta go. More later...

Hi, I just had to reply because my DS is the same way. He's almost four and I still feed him myself alot of the time. Not because he can't (he feeds himself at preschool ) but because I don't want spaghetti stains on my carpet. : So, in my case I'm the source of the problem but he also had issues with getting food on his hands too. Lately I've noticed he definately is better behaved at meal times when he is feeding himself (I think they're just bored sitting there with idle hands). So, every day I say to myself that I'm not going to do it but everyday he says "mommy will you help me" and I just have a hard time saying no. Right now though I make sure he does at least half the meal himself.

[laurenalanna]

I learned in my pediatric nutrition class that children have developmental windows for eating. For example: it's important not to wait too long to introduce food (around 6-9 months) and introduce finger foods around 9-10 months. My teacher explained that if these activities are introduced too late then it can be hard for kids to be interested in food at all, or in feeding themselves. Perhaps your son's challenges with eating now are somehow related to missing developmental windows when he was younger and having trouble with feeding. Not that this information is particularly helpful to you now.

With my son, we introduced food around 6-7 months, but for a long time we would only spoonfeed him. Then I read somewhere that above all else it is important to make eating fun for them. At such a young age it's about experimenting not nourishment (which they get from breastmilk ideally.) So we sucked it up and let him feed himself. He made such a mess, but it was suprising how much he got in his mouth.

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time with feeding. I'm with the others on the finger food suggestion. And it definately couldn't hurt to see an OT, they may have some great suggestions. It sounds like you've been doing an amazing job dealing with such a difficult situation. Good luck!

[mellie-bellie]

I didn't read all of the responses yet, but just wanted to give ya a (((hug))) because boy do I know those days. My ds is spirited as well, and very sensitive to change as well. I went thru exactly what you are going thru and felt so resentful too. In fact, I was feeding the kid up until he was just about 4...I had to feed him, his 2yo sis and nurse a baby at the same time, I was going batty. Finally, I couldn't do it anymore and dh started to work with him. Dh stayed patient and found out the reason he didn't want to feed himself was because he was scared of spilling food on himself (he's always been a perfectionist and has always hated getting any bit of dirt/crumbs on himself). Dh was so patient and worked to help him learn to do it (he's always had the skill, he just refused to do it himself). Finally, what worked the best was that dh took him out to buy a special plate set and special silverware just for him, but the only condition with using it was that he do it himself. That was enough for him to want to do it, and he's been feeding himself ever since. Looking back on it, I see that even though he had hang-ups about getting messy, me feeding him was also a nurturing thing and so I tried not to just cut him off. Once his baby brother was born, he someone understood that he was the big boy and mama had other responsibilities and that he'd have to start being a lil more independent.

It is so hard having a child be so needy at times, especially when they're old enough where you feel they should be able to do things themselves. I hope your guy will learn to start doing the feeding himself...I know once my guy did, he was so proud of himself and it was so great to see his self esteem soar. Hang in there mama

[cosmos]

Sorry I didn't have a chance to read all the responses but it looks like you got a lot of good ones.

I just spoke with an occupational therapist about a child I know with feeding issues. Basically she said to de-sensitize the mouth, cheeks, etc. before eating with a toothbrush, massage or just plain old touching. The original source of irritation for the child can become very psychologically ingrained and continue feeding problems.

The child I was asking about drank all food from a bottle until 3 years old, and now at 5 is still fed by the parents much of the time. it has been very frustrating for them and I know they do not get a lot of understanding from people who don't know the situation. They are often judged by people and it can cause a lot of stress! I don't think it is so much manipulation from the child, but fear and pain that just feeds on itself in the child. never underestimate the power of the mind; the occupational therapist i spoke with said kids can react by just seeing a trigger across the room, causing the child to gag or vomit!