Mamas, help me deal with my accident prone child

[LoveBeads]

Hi mamas,

I need some support here. My DD is so incredible, I love her so much. But I am feeling very discouraged with myself because I am getting impatient with her constant spilling, stumbling, dropping, ripping, etc. She is so accident prone!

She is 5 now and she always spills food on her outfits. Obviously, we don't use bibs and I would never suggest it and I really don't mind washing her clothes but it upsets her so much! I cannot, cannot, cannot give her a drink that is in a regular cup. She ALWAYS spills it, no exception. It is not a matter of "if", it is a matter of "when".

I just cannot trust her with anything and I am so NOT one of those mothers that is constantly saying "be careful" or "don't drop that" or "don't spill" but I am forced to do it with her and it makes me resentful. I hate that I can't give her a cup of something to drink without reminding her to be careful. I hate that I can't trust her to hold an egg (just yesterday she begged to hold one and I let her have it with several gentle reminders of how she needed to watch and hold it carefully. Guess what? Yep, she broke it! But she looked so anxious and sad that I just kept hugging her and assuring her it was okay, and then I feel resentful that I have to assure her and not be able to deal with my own feelings of frustration - I know, selfish!) After this, she wanted to feed the dogs and ended up spilling the dog food everywhere. I got annoyed with her and told her that I needed to be the one to give them water, I just couldn't deal with another spill.

Here's my big dilemma: do I continue to put her in the position of spilling things (i.e., giving her a regular cup or an egg) in order to show her that it is okay to have accidents and hope that she will eventually outgrow this? Or do I just restrict her from doing anything that can make a mess so she doesn't feel inadequate or clumsy? I know the cup thing sounds like it is not a big deal but it is a metaphor for our entire day of spilling, tripping, dropping, etc. I am constantly cleaning up after her (with her help) or comforting her by saying, "it's okay, it was an accident". I just wish this wasn't such a problem for her.

I know you're thinking "why the heck did you give her an egg?" but she just wanted so badly to show me she could do it and then I ended up feeling guilty and responsible when she broke it. That's my dilemma: do I put her in this position of probable failure or protect her from it?

Help!

[mpeel]

This is one characteristic of SPD/SID. Some children with SID tend to be very clumsy, unaware of where their body is, etc. You might want to check into that. Check out the Special Needs forum in the Parenting forum. There is LOTs of info there. Both my girls have mild SID issues.

I have found in our house, if I say something like "Be careful that cup is full" they spill it. It is almost like they are fulfilling the destiny because I mentioned it. So, I am more careful what I say. I give them information instead of negative reminders. "That pan is hot." "There is a shoe in the floor." Not, Be careful, that pan is hot." or "Don't trip over the shoe in the floor."

[LoveBeads]

Yes, my DD does have SID you are absolutely right and I probably should have mentioned that. And I know that her clumsiness is due to it, I just don't know if I should be discouraging it or encouraging it.

Thanks so much for answering, I appreciate the support. I just feel so frustrated today with her and I'm feeling guilty about it....

[mpeel]

Is she in OT? If so, her therapist can probably help you more than us. If not, I would strongly consider it. Many insurances pay for it. I have not explored it yet for my girls as eliminating the stuff they are allergic to in their diet has helped a lot. Also, our insurance does not pay well and Samantha is already in speech twice a week.

I think frustration is healthy for a parent, if used right. It helps us change, become better, if we allow it to. I know the feeling. For the first 5 years of my oldest's life, I could not vacuum with her in the house. She hated it. Until Samantha went gluten-free, she would not wear shoes but hated the feeling of grass on her feet. We live in the country, grass is all there is, or dirt. No pavement.

Have you read "The Out-of-Sync Child has Fun"? It might be very helpful too. I love it.

[LoveBeads]

Thanks for your response. Yes, we did the whole OT thing, graduated with flying colors. She's pretty much cured of her SID - she still has some quirks but nothing that any of us wouldn't have and her enjoyment of life isn't impeded anymore.

I can see that there are some residual things, though - the clumsiness is one of them. Maybe I should x-post this in Special Needs?

[4evermom]

Maybe your gentle warnings to be careful are making her anxious and therefore more likely to have accidents. I think I would resist using any cautions whatsoever, even the most gentle of cautions. My ds really hates to be told things he knows and it was very hard for me to stop telling him things were hot, etc.

[thoesly]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

Maybe your gentle warnings to be careful are making her anxious and therefore more likely to have accidents. I think I would resist using any cautions whatsoever, even the most gentle of cautions. My ds really hates to be told things he knows and it was very hard for me to stop telling him things were hot, etc.

I agree with this. My daughter has SID, dyspraxia, anxiety, etc, etc. It's not a question of whether or not she'll spill -- it's a question of how many times she'll spill. Saying "be careful" is like saying "time to spill." If I say nothing, then she isn't worried about it, and once in awhile, she *doesn't* spill. And if she does, at least I haven't given her something additional to feel badly about. (And I'm not frustrated about saying things that I *know* are futile.)

My sympathies are with you -- I spend a lot of time in the laundry room or mopping the floor, too.

[lilyka]

Ok so how to deal wiht it. Form a very clusmy person who was a very very clumsy child.

First of all she knows. Stop being dissapointd and impatient. She is already both of those things. With my oldest dd (extremely clumsy) we just address stuf head on. She knows she is clumsy. Since I am not dissapointed or impatient with it we just address it head on. "Ok so I see this is a problem. lets work on how we do it . . you need to get mom to help you until I think you can do it alone" so maybe give her sips froma regular cup on a regular basis. I mean kids don't need to walk around with cups. Have her come to you and ask for a drink. atch her while she drinks and have her give the cup right back to you. If she wants to feed the dog help her come up with a way to get the food out neatly (scoops are easier than pouring) and then be right there with her while she does it. She will be more likely to stay focsed if you are there cheering her on and it gives you an oppritunity to praise her rather than walking in on a mess and sighing because it has happened yet again.

brainstorm with her in areas that have been consistant problems or that are interfering with her life most. You might be suprised what she comes up with.

I hated hearing be careful but things liek "pay attention" and "are you ready" didn't make me as defensive. Even just having her stop and take breath can help her focus on the task at hand.