Poor SAHMs

[aprons_and_acorns]

We're not exactly poor I guess, but many families I know that are in our situation feel like they have to have two incomes to get by. So I often feel like I'm "cheating" by being a SAHM (actually I do work about ten hours and volunteer two each week). Here are the main reasons I feel like maybe I don't deserve to be a SAHM:

1. We rent when most people in our area are homeowners

2. We have cc debt that we are paying just over the minimum on (but not using cards--they are gone for good!!!)

3. I have student loan debt from my bachelor degree

4. We won't have health insurance until June, and then it's only a major medical plan

5. At home I often feel like I'm not doing anything, just hanging around in my pj's a lot.

6. Our cars are both over ten years old.

7. We have only 2,000 in savings. No invenstments, no retirement, no safety net but the two grand. (I'm 27 and dh is 29)

8. I quit a job I liked a lot working at a preschool/daycare where I could have brought ds with me (tried it and quit after two months)

9. Dh is in the not-for-profit business in a struggling agency. Job security is not a sure thing.

10. Dh is also a student and will graduate in December. He works really hard to balance home, work, and school.

Intellectually, I know that being home with ds is the best thing for our family. but when it's the middle of the afternoon and I'm just putzing around making dinner when most of my friends are either well-off (weller-off than us I should say) SAHMs or working, I feel a little bit like I'm cheating.

Are there any other lower-level income SAHMs that have the same kind of feelings? Where do these feelings come from? It is the "more-more-more" type mentality that leads us to believe that putting family ahead of finances is foolish? Or is it truly a bad choice to compromise your financial security for the sake of staying home?

[marisa]

We're like you; paying the bills but just barely covering it. I could work at a daycare; I did for seven years, (quit when pregnant with #1) but once they took taxes and childcare out of my check I'd make probably $150 a week for 40 hours a week. That's just not worth it to me. So I make it my job to find ways to live more frugally, and try not to feel guilty about it. Staying home is the absolute ideal situation for our family, and I feel fortunate that we make at least enough for one parent's income to cover the bills. We did buy a house last year, it was only $42,000 and our mortgage is $399 a month. Everyone else I know has nicer, newer homes (but they paid at least twice what we paid) and we couldn't make it with a mortgage that big. My kids wear thrift store stuff...and I 'splurge' on new Old Navy wardrobes about every spring/summer.
Sometimes I do get caught up in the "if I only had some new diaper covers for Noel...if I only had a new rug for the living room....if I only had this or that..." but you have to be thankful and content with what you have. We have a pretty simple life: Dh works for his dad at his sign shop, likes his job and it's 9-5 M-F...I'm thankful he doesn't have to pull his hair out working 60 hour workweeks like some husbands do.

[OTMomma]

The first 2 years of my dd's life we were very poor, we do OK now, but still we're not wealthy. I've had some guilt like you do. My biggest guilt was also about the student loans that I wasn't helping to pay. But then I had someone ask me to do some part time work, and I realized how much I would feel like I was missing out on if I returned to work full time. So I put a lot of effort into being a great mom and wife. I'm not a good house wife, so I asked dh what I could do each day, just one thing, that would really make him happy. So he asked I make dinner each night. I work at making him nutrious yummy meals on a tight budget, and feel like I am nourishing our family body and soul.

I also worked at developing skills that save us money in other areas, I make Christmas presents, I learned to mend clothes so we don't have to buy new ones so often, I learned to make cloth diapers. I attempted some gardening (turns out I'm not too good at that), to save money on food. I would not have time to do all this stuff if I worked full time, and all these things save us quite a bit of money to off set the "costs" of me staying home. And they fill up the time when you aren't doing anything.

Instead of investing financially right now, you are investing in your child. Personally I think its a good investment.

Peace,
Laura

[BathrobeGoddess]

We really are poor...if we didn't have dh student loan money we would never make it...I also feel like we are cheating because we get food stamps and medicaid (I have some issues wit being a SAHM that I have posted about already) and loan money to live. In our case, owning a home has really trapped us. I wish we were renters so we could get a lower housing payment and be more free to move away from our area...

[Mallory]

While it looks like I am actually going to be moving out of debt over the next year or so, we have in the past lived off of credit cards, student loans, and assistance.

I tell myself that people have no problems about going into debt during their college years, and I think the first few years of life are just as important to my childrens lives.

[~Jenna~]

We are very, very, very poor and every once in awhile I do feel guilty like I should be out working so we are not so poor. A lot of it comes from other people telling me I am stupid for not working and that I am not a "real" woman because I don't have a "real" job. We struggle a lot and I never complain but people still try to make me feel stupid for struggling when we don't have to. Honestly I think society has a huge role in making people feel like they have to buy stuff all the time to be happy. I just have to put it out of my mind and know that being with my ds is more important than having money. Plus I think that going through hard times builds character.

[emomama]

we are really poor and barely making it... i did just apply for medicaid because i'm pg and we're seeing about WIC and food stamps so we can try to catch up on some bills and whatnot.

but yeah, wow. i totally feel guilty... here's my list.

1. before we were married, i had a 40K job and full benefits. now dh makes about 11K a year with no benefits.

2. we have to use state health insurance which has so far really, really sucked.

3. we have seriously past due bills that we have no hope of paying off any
time in the near future and our credit is in the crapper right now.

4. our "car" is my husband's band's tour van so while they're out on the road, i have no wheels.

5. retirement? investments? what are those?

6. dh is trying to start a graphic/web design business from home which is going well, but just not well enough fast enough, kwim? he's trying so hard to make it work while helping me with the kids since i've really been struggling with morning sickness... he does so much while some days i can't do anything. before being pg i felt like i was keeping up my end of the bargain by keeping house and taking care of the kids... we CD, buy only thrift store clothes, i make just about everything, we garden, etc. now i'm struggling to keep up with my workload and it's really hurting us. hopefully it'll pass soon!

however, i know for my own family, putting my kids in daycare would be the wrong thing to do and no matter how poor we are, it will be better than letting someone else raise my kids for most of the day. i've also learned that we're extremely resourceful and really happy despite our circumstances.

[Sylith]

We're living paycheck-to-paycheck right now, and DH's salary puts us right on the cusp of the low-income bracket in our area. I don't really consider us poor, though, because a couple years ago we had a taste of "real" poverty brought about by long-term unemployment. We were technically homeless during part of my pregnancy with DS (we moved in with friends,) and we spent a lot of DS's first year trying to cut deals with the landlord and the utility companies, and DH doing any work he could get, and eating peanut butter sandwiches and plain pasta for days, etc. The uncertainty and instability were the worst. (It did serve to sharpen my compassion for millions worldwide whose lives are far worse than anything I've lived with. I hope that's a lesson I can hang onto for the rest of my life.)

I don't feel much regret about our not having money for a lot of "stuff" YK... but it does bother me that if something happens to DH's job we're going to be back at that level very quickly. We're not willing to give up my SAHM status, but I do hope to find a way to bring in a little extra $$ so we can squirrel it away and maybe have more of a cushion against misfortune.

I do feel it's a matter of priorities, though. I would like to think that the kind of "security" I can give my son by being always there for him is more meaningful than the kind of "security" that money in the bank can provide... but the truth is, I'm just not emotionally equipped to leave my child in someone else's care everyday if I see any other way. When you get right down to it, I guess it's as simple, and selfish, as that.

[Greaseball]

We have been poor most of the time we've been together. We depended on food stamps and medicaid for me to stay home. So we were constantly told I was getting a free ride. :

Now, dh is making about $2000/mo as a substitute teacher, and will probably make $2500 when he gets full-time work.

We rent, and I've decided that we can't afford to negotiate on the kind of house we live in. It must be a house, and it must be in a great neighborhood. So that's what we have, but it will cost us. We pay $1000/mo plus all utilities.

Health ins - We get private ins that is state-subsidized so we pay only 5% of the premiums. Dh will get benefits with his job but we don't know how much we will have to pay for them.

Debt - If you count student loans, we have a six-figure debt. But just credit cards and things like that, about $6000. We make minimum payments.

Things we don't do: buy designer clothes, take trips to Disneyland, eat out more than once every few months, save for college, save for retirement, save anything at all! :LOL

What I find harder to deal with, more so than never having any money, is the attitude that my children don't deserve a mom at home and that I shouldn't even have had children because of our income.

[treemom2]

We are totally poor. All of us are on Medicaid--we can't afford the private insurance the school offers--it would take another $500 out of DH check once a month. DH brings home about $1800 a month as a teacher and it all goes to rent, car payment, power, etc. . .Some months we have to get help from church to pay our power or to buy food (we make $69.00/month too much to qualify for food stamps). We only get paid once a month and I think this month I have budgeted $100 for food, gas, and vitamins. We have way too many debts to think about--we currently have hardship deferrments for DH's student loans and have spoken with an attorney about bankruptcy for our credit card bills. The problem with the bankruptcy it that it is so expensive to file and we don't have enough money to even do that (about $1400.00), but we have to do it within the next 6 months or we won't be able to get relief (Thank you credit card companies for lobbying so we can't ever get out of debt) So, yes, I feel guilty a lot about not working (especially when my friend from highschool sends blueprints of her $275,000 house she is building and we can't even get a loan for any home). The thing is, if I did work we would have to pay for childcare which would cost us about $500/child and I really don't want someone else raising my child. I have thought about working from home taking care of other people's kids-but I think that would drive me crazy and take away from my children. I am a trained doula and I am going to start working again after DS is not bfing as often but who knows when that will be--he's still going at it at least every two hours.

I think I'm beyond "the wants", I just want to have enough for "the needs"!

[mamapajama]

We are very poor. Very poor. We barely, rarely come out even each month. I don't feel guilty. I grew up in a wealthy family with workaholic parents who were never home. I was in daycare from day 1. When I was old enough I watched my sister until my parents came home from work at around 7pm. They worked hardto provide a "good life" for us. I always wished my mom stayed home. IMHO enough money is important, but it is no substitute for staying home, and I hope that my kids will appreciate the sacrifices we made so that one of us could stay home with them. In my eyes, and heart, it is so worth being poor to be home with my kids.

[cjr]

We're not poor, we're not well off. We're smack dab in the middle. We have our own home, but it's small and we most likely won't upgrade because house prices have almost tripled here. If we stay within our budget we do ok. We don't drive a new car, we have house repairs that take forever because we don't have the money up front, no credit card, student loans for both of us. I bought all ds's cloths for the summer off the tp, some of dd#2 and dd#3 got birthday money which she spends on cloths. I make cuts and try to make gifts, but usually they don't turn out too well. :LOL

There, now sit down and figure out what you would make if you worked outside the home. Subtract childcare, veihicle gas. Also, subtract what you would no longer qualify for like medicaid, food stamps and so on. Up here in Canada it would be GST rebate and child tax or family allowance. Add up what would be left over. Would it be worth it?

We (dh and I) go without a new car, big house, cancun vacations, money for fancy home repairs, fancy cloths. With 3 kids if I were working :LOL , there really wouldn't be much left over anyway.

[Felicitymom]

The issue is so here and there... up and down and in and out. Who knows what is really best??? Aaaaa, we moms do!

I am a SAHM with most of the same things going on... student loan bill for a degree I am not using, cc debt, etc.... I KNOW that staying at home with my baby is the best thing for us and her and quite frankly society at large. My husband agrees.

For those who make us feel guilty for doing it... their outburst toward us are really a mirror for them and their own guilt for not doing it. (whether they know it or not).

I read someones signature the other day and it something like 'arriving at your grave in perfect shape with perfect things and looking perfect... is so pointless, I'd rather pull up on a motorcycle with a cigar..." the point here is that I value, most of all, the quality of life emotionally that I live with my family right NOW... there really is nothing else.

[cjr]

For those who make us feel guilty for doing it... their outburst toward us are really a mirror for them and their own guilt for not doing it. (whether they know it or not).

Very well said. I know that my friends and dh's co-workers who make comments about me staying at home, are jelous because they can't/won't do it. Honestly, I would rather cheat and get some help from the government so I can stay at home with my kids (we don't by the way because our single family income is too high , except $200 in child tax each month). Most moms who work get some kind of subsidy for childcare, so why shouldn't SAHM's get subsidy for staying at home? It's all relative. Our job is important and EVERYONE knows it. If I workded we wouldn't get the $200 in child tax and it would cost me $1200 in childcare expenses. I would make $1600/month working full time which would leave $400, minus gas and other expenses. Is it worth less than $400/month for me to leavy my kids with someone else for 50 hours a week? No way. Let them say what they want to.

[UnschoolnMa]

Rowdypea wrote:

1. We rent when most people in our area are homeowners
We are renters, and we also have section 8 rent assistance.

4. We won't have health insurance until June, and then it's only a major medical plan
Only my kids have health insurance right now. Dh and I may have a shot of getting it soon through a special state program, but we aren't sure yet.

5. At home I often feel like I'm not doing anything, just hanging around in my pj's a lot.
I am in my PJ's about half the time or better! lol. Why not? They are comfy, and I don't dirty any more laundry.

6. Our cars are both over ten years old.
Our truck is 14 or so lol.

7. We have only 2,000 in savings. No invenstments, no retirement, no safety net but the two grand. (I'm 27 and dh is 29)
We have no savings really at all. I am your Dh's age, and my Dh is 35.

9. Dh is in the not-for-profit business in a struggling agency. Job security is not a sure thing.
Dh is currently unemployed here. Long battle with disability after a work injury last year. Now he is faced with having to do a totally different kind of work than he was trained for. I totally hear you on job security fear mama.

Are there any other lower-level income SAHMs that have the same kind of feelings? Where do these feelings come from? It is the "more-more-more" type mentality that leads us to believe that putting family ahead of finances is foolish? Or is it truly a bad choice to compromise your financial security for the sake of staying home?

I know what you mean, and yes I do think that some of it comes from the idea that whatever work someone is doing isn't really work unless you are being paid by someone to do it. Of course work looks like alot of different things. You do laundry, you cook, you clean, and most importantly you are there for your child. As for whether its a bad choice... no one can really say because it's so personal and individual. Anyway no real helpful thoughts here I guess, just wanted to say I understand what you are saying.

[BathrobeGoddess]

I am so glad this thread is here! I sometimes feel like the only sahm in the world who has to get foodstamps, meidcaid and the like. An I ofetn feel guilty! Man, I am really seeing that I have some major issues about staying home (feeling guilty, feeling like I am wasting my education, feeling like I should be working because I would make better money than dh, feeling like I don't deserve help from the feds because I don't work)...I am so glad this board is here!!!!!

[muttix2]

We live paycheck to paycheck also. There is only one daycare in the entire metroplex that I would even consider putting my kids in and it wouldn't even be worth it at the end of the day. I'd be working to put my kids in daycare. Even at the highest amount I could get paid working, I'd still only bring home a couple hundred a month, definitely not enough to make it worth it. Dh is going to school in the fall and once he graduates he'll be able to get a better job. Until then, I'm more than willing to give up the extras to stay home with my kids. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for what you're doing. You're right, a lot of people are just jealous that they "can't" stay home. I know a few people who have dh's that are making as much as (if not more than) mine but because they are so interested in having the best of everything they "can't" stay home with their kids. That makes them a little resentful of me for "being able to". I don't talk to those people much.

[mamamillie]

Well, we are extremely well off, I will even say rich; but in the financial dept, we are well below the poverty line. We got food stamps recently and that is such a relief, so now that we don't have to worry about money for food, things are great. I don't miss having spending money (not often, anyway) and it is definitely worth it to stay home. I LIKE living simply and though we would be more comfortable if we made more money, I don't think we would change our lifestyle (just pay off debt quicker and start saving). We are really living a full and rich existance. I am thankful everyday that I can stay home, but I know many mamas in my position would feel that they needed to work. I value Joy and simplicity and time w my ds and my low stress existance here at home, though; many mamas do value the money and the stuff and their careers and so would not be as happy as I am to relax by the riverside!

[UnschoolnMa]

We are a food stamp family as well

[De-lovely]

Ahhhhhhhhh............how refreshing to read how many wonderful mamas stay home with their babes and sacrifice all the trivial (really!) material things in life to grow their seeds how they see fit! I am poor too....cc debt almost paid off but dh student loan,furniture bill (we had none),car and insurance etc etc it all adds up to NO EXTRA MONEY AT ALL! I currently still work part time (2 days a week) and HATE even working that much but am still working on Dh in that respect......we have no insurance now, down to one car, I have 1!!! short sleeve shirt that fits, I ebay all my kids clothes to buy clothes off ebay, and our credit is crappy from a period when my dh was laid off compounded now by 2 babes and me not working.....hopefully when this lease is up we can rent a house.Groceries and gas seem to eat up any money that might *appear* extra and beacuse my dh makes $12.75 we dont qualify for any aid in good ole Indiana!!! We also pay support on my step son.....so thers another $300 bucks a month and she wants more! Oh but the solice in holding my sweetpeas in enough.......(i am 1 finger pokin holding my dd elena now in my pj's)