A Poll comparing your childhood to your childrens'

[papabliss]

I have been curious about the fathers that frequent here and their own childhood. How has your own personal upbringing affected your childrearing practices?

I hope my poll responses cover enough options. If not, please add comments below. I know this is not really a black and white issue, but the fathering habits of my friends sure seem to have conscious grounding in the way they were raised, both good and bad.

Moms! If Dad is not posting here, please ask him about his feelings on this issue and vote for him.

Thanks.

[pina la nina]

Hey Papabliss - I'm responding for piepoppa (who hasn't been here since our dd was born, he's got his hands full!) and there may be others in the same boat. He had no poppa himself, he died when piepop was a baby. His mom never dated/remarried. So he is forging new territory, no real dad role models in his life at all. He does know he doesn't want to parent like his mom did though! She was very tough, but we try to cut her slack raising 4 little ones alone.

Great question though!

[Dov]

Hoping to do better and not be paranoid

I put in the Dad tried, but... response. I am vigilant and keenly aware (almost too much sometimes) of how my gut reaction can frequently mimic what I recall my Dad doing to/with me. I've also been realizing and learning a great deal about my own Dad through my own experiences as a Dad myself. I have a lot more forgiveness for him and our relationship has been benefitting from this.... he's also come to realize (though not always openly admit to me) some of the negative things he did with me and seems to really be conscious about it. The result is he's a phenomenal grandad. It's opened my eyes tremendously. I cut him a lot more slack now than I used to.

Having said that, I am very grateful for the mythopoetic mens' circles I'm currently involved with and my close relationships with my two younger brothers, both of whom are dads of two children apiece. They've helped me find positive fathering models on various issues and provided valuable insights for me to fill in the holes my own Dad left for me in terms of fathering. My involvement with these honorable men have also allowed me to really drink deep from the really fantastic things my Dad gave to me -- my strong passion for equity and justice, a sense of awe and wonder of the universe, my deep spiritual connections to the Earth and environment, my desire to learn and ask questions. These are the really valuable things he gave to me despite all the other truly terrible things that hurt.

Between the good stuff and the good stuff from other men/Dads I'm involved with, I hope to achieve some progress with my kids.... I hope someday my own son would be able to vote the Dad was great kind of box in a similar poll.... but honestly I would settle for a notch above my own experience... perhaps his son will then be able to vote a notch about that and on and on until a whole 180 turn is completed in this bloodline of males.

Great poll!
Dov

[papabliss]

Hi Yam,

I think I remember that you have some Asian blood running through your viens. Was your father's parenting a reflection of the norms of the Asian culture?

My dad grew up on a farm in Nebraska so he was also task oriented and more of problem solver than a listener. At least that was years ago. Now he is much more of a touchy-feely fellow as he ages and his kids have their own kids.

Cheers.

[Sagesgirl]

Replying for my husband, who is out to sea at the moment...

From what he has told me of his childhood, he thought then that his dad was great. As an adult, he never really questioned his father's parenting until we got married and I made him question it. He still has not considered his father's parenting enough to have a list of things he will/will not do the same. I think it will be interesting to see how things work out. Whatever his father did...Bobby worshipped him as a child and respects him now, so I'm figuring the man did okay.

[m&m]

Answering for my husband -

He does not parent like his dad - or want to. His dad was carreer-oriented accountant and he worked a lot. When he was home, he did not discipline or take care of his 4 kids (3 boys) in any way - he left that up to their mom. He played with them a bit - when it was convenient - and prefered the sons who were into hockey - not dh. He also expected them to know about all kinds of things but never actually taught them - like money, engine repair, woodworking, etc. My dh helped his mother more with housework and stuff.

That said, dh loves his father and does not feel he is a bad father - just not the type of father he wants to be.

My dh is a sensitive AP dad- intelligent, and knowledgeable - and although extrememly busy - wants to spend every moment he can taking care of, and raising our children. And helping me out with housework etc. He hates having to justify his love for his children - his family wonders why he does not want lots of time off when he is at home - ???

He also feels that the media portrays dads as clueless - or that if men take an interest in children they are weird or psychotic. He hates not being treated as an equal parent.

[FatherDove]

Teacher by example

A thought provoking poll...

I was going to answer "never had a chance" but really it would have to read "never took the chance." My parents divorced when I was five and we all know how difficult long-distance relationships can be!

I always thought my father was completely irresponsible and selfish. When relatives pointed out that I was just like him I would cringe. I had no respect for the man who abondoned his kids. [...enter more harsh feelings here...] The older I got the more difficult it became: our visits were less frequent, our conversations reduced to "how's the weather?" and "pass the mustard.", and countless silent hours watching television.

Then all at once, when I was about twenty-two, I lost it. Every emotion and feeling I supressed for almost two decades erupted. I had no choice but to deal with these feelings in order to keep my sanity.

This forced introspection proved very painful and invaluable. I was utterly amazed at everything I had learned from this man whom I thought never listened or cared. Although we never really talked about anything important his actions spoke volumes. I learned from my father that family is the most important thing — period.

Although he may not have been with me and my sisters, my father has proven to be a caring, loving, supportive, and dedicated father. I have developed a great deal of respect for him now that I can appreciate his subtle and sometimes invisible parenting. He allowed is to watch and learn without influencing our thoughts with his own. It all is so clear now; I finally understand.

I would love to live-up-to the example my father has become, But I prefer to do it the first time around.

[ladylee]

My father did a good job at giving what he thought was important--material possessions, opportunities, privelege, exposure, etc.

None of those were important to me. I needed different things.

I spent many years being angry at him, and have now forgiven.

In parenting dd now I don't think "I'll give her what I didn't have" so much as "what is it that *she* wants and needs."

Great question!

[ninelives]

Nine of you voted the "That SOB..." option.

Even if you don't agree with what your Dad did, why take it out on Grandma?



It seems that people who use swear words don't stop to think what they actually mean.

[PajamaMama]

According to my husband (whose father is now deceased)

'My dad was great when he was there, but that wasn't often.'

My interpretation/elaboration: My father in law was a restaurant owner (medium size chain in S. Fl) and was very involved, spent most evening in one of the restaurants or another (often in the bar) chatting up locals and employees. He also had 4 kids and a busy social life. He was the friendliest, most loved guy. At his funeral there were HUNDREDS of people from all over s. Florida who came to pay respects/offer condolences. My husband has a personality like his dad's (that's good, sweetie, if you're reading this!) but he makes a great effort to actually be here with us and not to be so involved with his work that he misses a lot of important event. His success in that department waxes and wanes but at least he is conscious that it's an issue that deserves thought.

[PigLickJF]

I answered the "Dad was good..." option. I'd actually say my dad was (and is) a great dad, but he of course wasn't perfect and I strive to better than him wherever possible, so I went for the second option. I feel very lucky to have had three excellent male role models growing up in my father and both grandfathers, and I can only hope my kid(s?) will feel the same about me.

PigLick