Loosing a Friend over GD/UP (LONG) - Page 2

[Kaitnbugsmom]

I agree with the mamma who said her response wouldn't have been so polite. Mine would likely have solved the classroom problem, by getting me tossed out. I do not tolerate people of any age name calling, especially not grownups and even less so toward a child. I recently went off on a friend who called her son a retard.. yuck...

I agree with everyone else, especially those who said to get this out in the open, and tell her that you will not tolerate her badmouthing your child.

[meemee]

well for u it is just a 'friend'. i face that all the time with my xh and xfil who get to see my 2 1/2 year old just for a few hours at the most and feel she is who she is because of me. they dont take into consideration she is a person who needs to be treated for who she is esp. since she is an active, high energy and an ex high needs child. if we do that with adults why cant we do that with kids. i mean kids are not empty vessels we are filling in. why does the regular world - at least in this country - see children as negative beings. i can see something becoming habit forming but to be manipulative - which i have heard in reference to even infants - is just prepostorous.

yet it is people like them who sometimes makes me doubt my parenting style. i have left playgroups, broken friendships because they insist i am wrong. some directly some sneakily. i say i am not an ap parent or a np parent or a 'label' parent. i am my dd's parent and she is teaching me what she considers important for her and i meet her need. yes many people may see that as spoiling the child but for me that is fulfilling my dd's need and so building her emotional strength. as a parent i feel who i am as a mom is not determined by how i feel about it. instead i am my dd's mother. somedays i feel she just needs to take a quick shower. but those are the days she wants long, playful baths. now if i dont have anything pressing why should i not let her take a long bath. why would that be manipulative if i let her take a long bath when really i would much prefer a short one. there are going to be enough times when my dd has to follow what i tell her due to circumstances. why should i insist every single time that i have the power and so my word is law. kwim?!!!

i wonder how the mom will take it if u start arguing the point and pointing out what u feel she is doing wrong.

the bottom line i feel is when ur dd is an adult u will be her friend as well as her mom. u dont know what kind of friendship she will have with her adult dd.

i am sure even if she doesnt say anything to or in front of ur dd, ur dd does pick up the tension around u guys. so she might be aware something is wrong. after u part company (do that slowly and gradually so it is not v. apparent u r distancing urself) u might find ur dd asking u questions and u just say u never saw eye to eye if she brings it up.

[meemee]

btw i dont think she is intentionally badmouthing ur child. that is her philosophy and any child who gets away is manipulative. it is more of an indirect criticism of ur parenting style. i am sure she finds her children manipulative too. i am sure she would be horrified in an ap playgroup.

and also moms like that dont feel insecure about their parenting style. they are generally bullheaded in character and so it transfers onto their parenting style. she might be the type who will go thru any lengths to prove her argument is right - even in non parenting issues - who will question others but not herself. u know the know it all. so i am not sure if there is any point in talking to her. she doesnt seem to listen to what u say.

unfortunately i cant blame her for being who she is - because the focus in todays society is independence, let the child alone, he has to figure it out. what i do not understand is she doesnt use her own initiative to see if that is really true to her situation. there is so little awareness of the ap style that most moms dont even know that there is a different way of parenting. many moms dont have acess to things that owuld help them. and then there are moms like ur friends who has the opportunity to see a different way but refuses to admit it.

it does seem from ur post she is seeking u out. ouch!!! u cant even gently ignore her. oh dear!!!

[mommyofshmoo]

Meemee- I agree that she just thinks kids are manipulative in general. Probably the message was more meant as "you are being manipulated."

I just think people de-value children and feel very comfortable projecting mean feelings onto them. I'm just kinda done with people who feel that way.

I don't really beleive kids are manipulative. they want what they want, jus tlike the rest of us. The day in question, dd said early in the day "Mommy, I want you to be close to me." and "Drink me like a baby, hold me like a baby." I don't see how an almost three year old could make their feelings and desires more clear and direct than that.

Today dd was in a much better mood. She seems to be going back to needing a nap lately, so I think fatigue had a lot to do with the mood yesterday. But yesterday made me realize that I have been leaving dd alone a lot. I got used to her being self directed and self entertaining there and kinda did pay more attention to her when she cried or acted up than when she was just playing. I'm realizing that for whatever reason, dd wants me to be closer and more actively involved with her right now.

What's so manipulative about that?

[Embee]

Originally Posted by mommyofshmoo

I don't really beleive kids are manipulative. they want what they want, jus tlike the rest of us. The day in question, dd said early in the day "Mommy, I want you to be close to me." and "Drink me like a baby, hold me like a baby." I don't see how an almost three year old could make their feelings and desires more clear and direct than that.

Today dd was in a much better mood. She seems to be going back to needing a nap lately, so I think fatigue had a lot to do with the mood yesterday. But yesterday made me realize that I have been leaving dd alone a lot. I got used to her being self directed and self entertaining there and kinda did pay more attention to her when she cried or acted up than when she was just playing. I'm realizing that for whatever reason, dd wants me to be closer and more actively involved with her right now.

What's so manipulative about that?

Not one thing. How wonderful that she was able to tell you this in this way.

I'm not a fan of "M WORD" myself, and I don't think it applies to children, period. Children are instinctual, honest. When they need something, they do what it takes to get it. If they can tell you, that's grand, but because they're children (ah, because they're people), sometimes it's difficult to know the best way to ask... i.e., acting out usually is very well a way of getting our attention, and precisely because that's exactly what our they need. It sounds like we have some similar realities. DS is usually very "self-directed" as well. I do indeed get used to him playing so well independently, and then when he goes through a period where he is much more needy (whatever the reason, they're all good ones ), sometimes I find it hard to adjust until I realize what's going on. Then things are more clear, I stop, I focus, I do whatever he needs. His needs met, problem worked through in whatever amount of time it needs.

Hang in there mama.

Em