Had my worst parenting moment today

[Piglet68]

I'm so very upset about what happened today. I'm posting for support, and some good advice on what I could/should have done...

We go to a music class at a local rec centre.There is a rather large playground right outside, fully enclosed and gated, and we often visit it after class. Because we drive to this class, I don't have my stroller and I'm carrying DS (sometimes I bring my sling, but today I didn't).

We'd been there for about 30 minutes and it was time to get going. I gave DD her five minute countdown, something we've been doing since she was 18 mos old. When it was time to go, she said she didn't want to go. I tried the usual calm approach, explained that her Deda (grandpa) was coming and we had to get home. No deal. She refuses to come with me.

Meanwhile, DS is ready for a nap, and very fussy, wriggly, and screeching. He's over 20 lbs and alot to carry, along with a diaper bag...Normally I would have picked DD up, but I had absolutely nowhere to put DS down, and even if I did I could not have carried both of them to the car. The car was too far away for me to put him in there and come back and get her.

DD walks to the other end of the playground and sits down. I follow her and again try to explain we need to go, being positive, etc...still no deal. She starts screeching "noooo! I don't want to go!!". Now I'm starting to get angry. I've never been in this situation before, and I have no idea what to do next.

So I"m stuck there wondering what the hell I'm going to do. I'm getting angrier, feeling watched by all the '1-2-3-you're-in-trouble" nannies in the corner, feeling that my almost-3 year old is calling the shots here and I'm rapidly losing control of myself. I don't know what to do. I think maybe I should just wait it out until she's ready to go, but that just feels wrong. She's not in charge, I am.

And then words start coming out of my mouth that I hate. "I'm not impressed!", "You are making me so angry." "Everybody is waiting for us at home", "You need to come with me NOW", etc. And while I'm saying these words I'm hating them, hating myself for being such a failure that I can't figure out how to get her to come without scolding. This is not the sort of parent I want to be.

Finally, I decide I'm tired of negotiating. I tell her I'm not discussing it anymore, that I'm goign to walk over to the gate and wait for her there. It's a fair distance, and when I turn around at the gate, my view of her is blocked by the big slide. Part of me thinks "good, maybe she'll come looking for me" but I'm very much against using fear of abandonment as a motivator, so I move to where she can see me. I can't hear her, but I realize from her body language that she is crying hard. I feel like shit. She thinks I disappeared. So I go back to her, thinking all the while that the other parents are probably thinking I'm a sucker by now.....I ask her if she is scared that I was leaving. I tell her I would never leave her, ever, that I was just going to wait at the gate. Now she seems willing to come, she follows me, then halfway there she turns around and starts going off to some other thing.

I lost it. And I did something I feel totally rotten about. I walked over to her and yanked her beloved "train book" out of her hands, then her "baby jaguar" and said something like "you want them? come to the car!". I basically took them hostage. The train book is a lovey, a security item she carries everywhere, sleeps with...you know...it's her special toy. And not only did I grab, something I always tell her we shouldn't do, but I took her precious thing away. So of course she lost it and followed me all the way bawling her little heart out. And I hated myself even more, all the while thinking "why did this have to be the one thing that I thought of that worked? I suck!!!".

I hate myself. I cried all the way home. I'm crying again now. Oh yes, I can say "in the future,..", like "in the future" I will bring a stroller with me to put DS in while I carry her to the car, etc....but the point is sometimes things happen like this that are unexpected and I need to figure out a better way of dealing with this. As someone recently posted on another thread, when I found myself out of ideas and over my head, I resorted back to my childhood experiences. My mother is a fabulous woman but she has one hell of a temper and fear was our primary motivator. I don't want to scold my child into behaving. And that is all I could think of to do. I felt ineffective, helpless, and I spoke to my child in ways I hate...

Any support and suggestions would be much appreciated.

[dharmamama]

The only thing I can say is that I think we all have those moments, and, while it was a crummy situation, I think it's ok that once in a while our kids see us get mad. I think you now have a perfect opportunity for talking to your daughter about expressing anger and highlighting ways NOT to do it.

Yes, your daughter is very young and was probably very upset by this. But I don't think you have done permanent damage to her.



Namaste!

[orangecanoe]

Sorry that you ran out of ideas, mama! It had to have been so hard in the moment to feel so flustered and 'watched' while you were trying to sort out the situation.

In my experience w/ a three year old and park/playground situations with not wanting to leave, one of the few things that seemed to work was to use some humor and kind of agree/empathize w/ her that it was really hard to leave the park because it had been really fun and then recount some of the things we had done---playing with another child, sliding, pushing her brother on the swing, etc. Or sometimes joking about wanting to stay there forever and asking her where she thought we would sleep if we stayed overnight...on the slide? in a swing? under the playscape? under the tree?

[mama_nomad]

Oh, i've done that. I've also grabbed her under me free arm and hauled her kicking and screaming, while just looking past anyone that might be watching. Yuo have to not care what others think because they don't know whether you do it all the time or if this was your one and only breakdown. I've done lots of mommy no-no's but I 've learned that it's really importnat to apologize to your child when things have calmed down and explain what happened honestly, how you felt and that you made a mistake and will try harder and that you love her very much (which i am sure she knows, but you can never hear it too often.

I guess one thng you could have tried (and I don't often have to patience to do this) is to get her level and ask why she doesn't want to go, agree with what she is feeling "yeah, it is really fun here and what a cool big playground!" get enthused with her,tthen say how sorry you are that you have to leave but that we'll definately come back and play again. Mean what you say, but make a big point to validate her feelings.

After you talk about it, LET IT GO. never forget it but don't beat youself up. you are a loving ,wonderful, compassionate mama which means your little ones are very, very blessed and we all make mistakes.

keep up the good work, mama

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

The only thing I can say is that I think we all have those moments, and, while it was a crummy situation, I think it's ok that once in a while our kids see us get mad. I think you now have a perfect opportunity for talking to your daughter about expressing anger and highlighting ways NOT to do it.

Yes, your daughter is very young and was probably very upset by this. But I don't think you have done permanent damage to her.



Namaste!

I was going to say the exact same thing. I have done so many things that I felt crappy about at the moment, things I couldn't believe I was doing/saying at the time. I make a point to apologize to ds later about it, explain to him that I was angry but should not have acted that way. I also use it as an opportunity to explain to him that it is very frustrating when he doesn't listen to me, and try to coach him into brainstorming with me about what we can do next time that happens (I don't get very far with this, to be honest, but I like the idea of it so I keep trying!).

The only thing I would have done differently is picked her up crying and screaming, with each kid under an arm like a football. I understand if you can't physically do this, but it's the only thing I know to resort to the rare times that we have to leave and ds just won't move. It's not pretty, and it hurts my back, but I figure I can just get him out of the playground/wherever we are, then we can regroup.

Sometimes when the situation has escalated way too far, I give ds the opportunity to try it again. So maybe apologizing for taking the train book, and giving her the opportunity to try again - try listening to you when you say it's time to leave, and walking nicely out of the playground with you.

But more important than what you could have done is that you don't beat yourself up too much about it now. (Yeah, that's a good one coming from me!) If your dd is anything like my ds, she'll be saying things like "Remember when you took my train book?" Or when I get angry "Don't take my train book!" and then I get to feel like crap all over again. But you have to take comfort in knowing that you are doing a fantastic job 99% of the time, which is going to make a much bigger impact on them than the 1% of the time that you lose it. And if you didn't make any mistakes or face any tough situations then you wouldn't continue to grow as a mom and a person.

[Jordansmommy]

Hugs to you mama. We all have our bad days. Your DD knows you are a loving respectful mama because of the five million other moments where you handled things just right

And heck, you are my GD role model!

[LoveBeads]

Huge hugs and welcome to the club of "I've been there"! I know it's not one you wanted to join....

The only thing that has ever worked for me is to suggest a race or just yell out, "I'm the leader!" and start running.

But it's not always easy to think of every single little thing.

Remember, this is gentle discipline. Be gentle on yourself as well. All discipline starts with how you treat yourself so set a good example and forgive yourself, then your kids will know how to forgive themselves as well. The wise words of Becky Bailey: every moment is an opportunity to teach. I think she left out one part: it's an opportunity to learn as well.

I swear, we've all done things we're not proud of. Even those that don't readily admit it (like me).

[Red]

Support coming your way!


It is a rare parenting moment when one of our children test us and we go away feeling like we've handled THAT well. Honestly. Much more often, if the kid really pushes, you are eventually out of options, or at least options that occur to you, and resort to do something less than YOU wish.

Now, be objective. You grabbed, not good. Next time, you'll probably remember not to, if you really try. You didn't mean to scare her. In fact, if she had gone with you, as you asked, she wouldn't have gotten scared in teh first place. Right? She did choose NOT to follow. Not that I'm recommending walking off, or trying to scare anyone, but this wasn't necessarily your fault, YKWIM?


I don't see that taking her lovey or anything else away as a bad move though, under these circumstances. You do need to be able to set boundaries, to NEED to go.

Now, I'm not a GD expert. I can only say what I hope, hope, I would have done, unser the same circumstances, while sitting in my living room, thinking and drinking wine. i mean, I'm under no pressure! Since picking her up was not a possibility, I would have taken her my the hand and attemped to walk out. I would HOPE, again, that she wouldn't have thrown herself to the ground and made me look as if I were dragging her! These things usually backfired on me! I think I'd try heatherfeathers' idea of humor first!

Next time, your right. Have the stroller. Will she remember this time? If so, I'd impress upon her that if she didn't come when it was time to leave, we'd be skipping this part of the trip NEXT time. But only if she can remember.

DOn't be hard on yourself. YOu had a tough few minutes. It happens to everyone. And many more times.

Congratualte yourself. You didn't scream, throw things, freak out, grab her, etc.


(I said you have til the count of three a LOT to mine!)

[lula]

Ok, .

I think that you just didn't know what to do and so mentally just resorted to some instinct that all mothers seem to have somewhere. It is a new phase and new issues that haven't been experienced yet for either of you. Also, the added pressure of time constraints and the feeling of others evaluating your behavior didn't help your mind/processing. So you snapped, it happens. You are a human. (and frankly a dang fine one if I am any judge, I always look forward to reading your posts for insight and perspective on GD for situations that I am working on)

I don't know the best thing to tell you because I have had these moments and they baffle me at times. My dd does know however the issues I am working on and we have had several conversations about apologies, making mistakes and loving even when mad etc etc because of times like these.

Best wishes

[captain optimism]

Once, before I was a mom, my dear friend and his mom came to our house for a meal. I think he was three or four at the time. We all got up to wash our hands. He said, "Mommy, I don't want to wash my hands." She said, "Okay." He said, "I'm not going to wash." She said,"Honey, I don't want to have an argument about it." He said, "But Mommy, I want to have an argument."

(I'm sure the fact that he could actually SAY that out loud was part of the reason that they were able to cope with it!)

What do you do when your dc wants to have an argument, wants to have a conflict? With two kids, it's much more than twice as difficult. This is something that scares me. I am about 100X more reactive than you are. I am impressed that you kept as much of your cool as you did, and that you have such firm principles about parenting as you do.

I will keep an eye on this thread because I want to hear what people say about how to deal in this situation. In the meantime, I hope you have regained your equilibrium.

[Foobar]

Oh Piglet....HUGS

Listen, I USUALLY have to carry Goo out of the playground. She is given a choice about it and it usually doesn't involve screaming.

We all make a bad decision and with two..well, the dynamic changes...

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Ignore the other moms. I have learned to let them think what they think and screw them! :

HUGS....

[Bearsmama]

Piglet

Please, please don't be too hard on yourself. You are such a good, thoughtful mama. You apologized. You learned how the whole thing made you feel inside. Honestly, in that situation, I've done similar things.: In fact, since my 2nd son was born in August, I've acted in ways I've been ashamed of very frequently (sometimes daily). The key for me is trying to forgive myself. And someone here who I respect a lot talks about having a plan to DO something. It's not a plan to NOT do something. Like you can't say, next time, if the same thing happens, I'll just remain calm. It's flippin' impossible! You have to come up with a plan to DEAL with your escalating anger AND get your child to where she needs to be at the same time. Not an easy task with two or more kids.

Go easy on yourself. We're all learning.

[Piglet68]

Thank you all so much. I was constructing this post in my head while driving home, knowing I could share this with you all.

Oceanbaby, my DD has the same way of reminding me each and every day of past failures. She has started "scolding" things, toys, people, etc...the expressions coming out of her mouth, the tone of voice...a professional actor couldn't do a better job. It's me she's imitating, down to a T. It is sort of interesting to see that this is part of how she processes things, but it's also depressing as hell to see how much it has "sunk in" to her. Like this isn't just a one -time thing, you know?

Bearsmama, before my son was born I'd never even yelled at my DD. I really have to struggle some days for the emotional resources to get through these moments.

Some good suggestions, too, on how I could have engaged her more in conversation. I guess a number of factors combined to rob me of the patience required to work on a toddler's time scale. And my DH pointed out that today DD had basically no input into our schedule. Usually we go for walks and she gets to decide where to go in the neighbourhood, and we generally stay at places until I can see she is ready to go...so maybe this was about her trying to exert some control in her day. I also realized that since I didn't have the ability to just pick her up, I panicked a bit, felt robbed of some "power" and perhaps engaged in a power struggle mentality too readily.

The extra eyes watching didn't help either.

Thanks again, you guys.

[slightly crunchy]

I also want to say that I usually look for your posts and get a lot out of them.
I know you feel bad but if this is the worst parenting moment you have had, you are doing better than 99% of parents out there. s

That sounds like an impossible situation and one I have worried about this whole pregnancy. Because even though I have given 10 and 5 minute warnings since ds was a very young toddler, there are still times at just-turned-three that I have to carry him away from the playground. I feel rotten about it but there it is. He has always had trouble with transitions. And I have been wondering how I will do it with a baby, even in a sling. So I have been trying some variations on the "leaving countdown" and they seem to be helping. Sometimes if I can see that he might have trouble but we really do need to leave, just before I get to the final "we are going" I will ask him "I can see you are really having fun today. We need to go in one minute. What do you need to do to be ready to go? Okay, let's do that now and then we will need to leave". For him it seems sometimes the time warnings are not enough and he needs some more concrete help for deciding how to spend his last bit of time. Or lately, instead of me calling out how many minutes are left, I go and tell him that we will need to go very soon. "How much more time do you need?" He usually says something like "four minutes". Then he goes and does his thing and comes to me and is ready to go, sometimes even sooner than I had needed or planned. :-) I know that none of these things would probably have helped you in the moment, but just sharing what is working here.

I think one of the hardest things for me about GD is learning to forgive myself when I screw it up. And I have screwed it up plenty of times. None of us are perfect.

[candiland]

It's definitely helpful to come up with a set plan for these types of situations. That way, you can do what you need to BEFORE getting to the point where you are losing control.

What I do (when I'm feeling sane, which seems rare these days, lol) is:

first, empathize. "Aww, you know, this playground IS really great. I don't want to leave either." That sort of thing.

Then: the crux of the issue. Stated very firmly: "But I need you to come to the car with me because grandpa is waiting at the house." I've noticed that parents who waver - in their voice or language, using phrases like "Okay?" and a sugary-sweet tone - don't seem to get a message across to a child very clearly.

Then I state it very clearly and concisely a couple more times. Then I give the choice:

"You need to walk or I will have to carry you."

If there's no response or the child is unable to be rational at that point, I simply scoop up with my free arm and carry the freaking-out child to the car.

While driving, I may commiserate about how disappointed she must be, but pop pop is waiting, etc.

After I do this a few times, they realize there *is* no other option and the power struggles cease for a bit.

It's very, very hard, I know. I have an intensely spirited and high needs 5 yo. dd and I'm just finally getting a grasp on all this stuff. Add to the fact that I'm an assistant teacher at my children's preschool and then have a separate job for two hours later in the afternoon taking care of a very special needs child, and I frequently have my less-than-pretty mothering moments, that's for sure.

No one's perfect; it's good for a child to grow up not feeling like they have to live up to some impossible standard of perfection. They learn through these experiences that everyone has a journey, and that everyone has ways in which they can become better people. It can be a very positive thing.

[Laurel]

It must be the age, Piglet. My ds is the same age as your dd, and we've recently also begun experiencing the failure of the "5-minute-countdown". It used to work like a charm. I don't have much advice, because I don't think I've been the best parent either in those situations. I usually give him the 5 minutes, and give him the choice of walking out with me or being carried. I recently carried him screaming hysterically out of Barnes and Noble because he didn't want to leave Thomas the Tank Engine. I consider it a success if I can make it through those events and stay calm. But I always wonder if there is a better way, and why I can't think of whatever it might be.

[JillChristina]

I can't really add anything more than has already been said by the other mamas. I just want to offer a from another mama who had a horrible parenting experience yesterday.

And my DH pointed out that today DD had basically no input into our schedule.

I think it's SO wonderful that your dh is able to give you such great feedback about possible motivations for your dd's behavior. It must feel great to know you can bounce stuff off him and get good input. Sometimes those who can see the situation the best are those not involved directly.

Hang in there!

Jill

[oceanbaby]

I also realized that since I didn't have the ability to just pick her up, I panicked a bit, felt robbed of some "power" and perhaps engaged in a power struggle mentality too readily.

This is always what does me in. When I feel totally powerless, I often do things I regret in a mad grab for power. I have a hard time maintaining faith in my ability to handle the kids when I feel like I don't have control over them.

My parents always told me that kids do a wonderful job of highlighting your weakest areas. And my ds1 has so far done a fantastic job of highlighting my reliance on control and power.

[lilyka]

I think you did ok. Can't say I have done better in that situation. And in all fairness she really could have avoided this. She chose to test the boundries, she knew you were limited and took advantage of it. She chose to engage in a power struggle. Live and learn. you will both do better next time.

[Jennifer3141]

Piglet, my DD is younger than your and I havent of course run into that problem yet but I just wanted to say that I think you are a pretty fantastic mama and offer you a

I hope tomorrow goes much better for you!

Jen